book review courage to be disliked

The Courage to Be Disliked – A Controversial Book Review

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is certainly… controversial.

I kept seeing this book pop up as a recommendation by people like Ali Abdaal and Aperture , so I figured I’d give it a try. In this review , I will spell out why people will likely hate this book, what makes it so controversial, and why I absolutely loved it.

If you’re interested, check out the book The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change your Life and Achieve Real Happiness here (affiliate link).

The Courage to Be Disliked Book Summary

The entire premise of this book is that it is essentially a Socratic conversation between an older philosopher and a younger man who comes to him ready to fight. The young man is dissatisfied with life, frustrated with his circumstances, and feels like the world is entirely unfair. The older man adheres to Adlerian psychology and is ready to (verbally) throw down with the young man, neither of whom is ever named throughout the book.

This book covers a lot. A big part of the book discusses the idea of trauma and the fact that trauma, according to Adlerian psychology, does not exist. Other topics include the idea that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems, and what other people think of us is none of our business. Many roots of unhappiness come back to the concept of ego, caring what people think, and comparing ourselves to others.

Much of The Courage to Be Disliked relates to the idea that our past is the narrative that we use to justify our choices in the present. In fact, many of our choices and even emotions are exactly what we want in the moment (even things like anger and sadness) and we create narratives around our emotions and trauma to justify the emotions and actions we choose. We don’t change because we build up this idea of our own victimhood based on what we think of as trauma. Like I said, pretty controversial stuff.

The Courage to be Disliked & Trauma

Probably the part of the book that stood out to me the most, and will likely stand out to most people, is the approach to trauma and our past. As somebody who identifies as having experienced trauma in the past, the idea that trauma doet exist and it is a form of predeterminism rubbed me the wrong way… at first. The authors make a compelling case for this concept, however, and I found myself won over to the idea that trauma, at least in the way that we understand it in the West, is not completely real and does not have the power to shape our lives like we think it does.

What does this mean? Well, the author gives an example of a man who is essentially an agoraphobic shut-in. He is too afraid to leave his house and get a job, so he lives with his parents and feels like a loser. The book posits that he isn’t experiencing agoraphobia because of trauma, but that the agoraphobia and trauma are his justification to remain inactive in his own life. He can claim that his mental health is preventing him from moving forward, or is it that he doesn’t want to move forward, and his mental health is just a very convenient excuse?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in my own life. We all create mental structures around this sort of identity we want to have, but can’t for some reason or another. I want to be somebody who exercises. I want to be somebody who has a clean house. I want to be somebody that takes risks and does cool and brave things. But for some reason or another, I don’t do those things, and I create mental structures for myself that preclude me from taking responsibility for the things that I’m not doing.

Frankly, it’s a little bit of a kick in the gut. The Courage to Be Disliked is a pretty damn compelling antidote to the “blame anybody but yourself” mindset of the modern world. It seems like in our current culture of victimhood, it’s perfectly fine and totally valid to live a life of mediocrity, as long as you have enough victimhood points to justify it.

While I disagree that all trauma is invalid and genuinely believe that there are things like PTSD from war and other serious abuses, I think that we have completely stripped the concept of trauma of all meaning to the point of being effectively worthless.

Why The Courage to Be Disliked is so controversial

After finishing The Courage to Be Disliked , like when I finish most books, I went through and perused the ratings and reviews, and one of the most common themes that I saw was that this book is “victim blaming.” I understand what reviewers saying. The book (and Adlerian psychology) does put the absolute complete responsibility for a persons happiness directly on the person. This is very easy to say when you have not had a life of mistreatment and trauma. I would be lying if I didn’t say I had an issue with that part at first.

However, the book makes the clear point that not everybody who experiences trauma and abuse are defined by it. If trauma really held the power that people give it, almost everybody would be completely immobilized by fear and past experiences. But that’s not the case. Many people who have experienced horrific atrocities go on to live full, happy, complete lives.

When we excuse away our choices because of our past, we bring the past into the present and let it control us. It’s pre-deterministic, and completely disempowers people from their own personal agency. At a certain point, we let our trauma continue to justify our inaction and ruin our lives if we don’t make the conscious decision to move past it. And what a waste of a precious life.

I will say one negative thing about this book, which is that I really did not like the writing style. I found the young man to be pretty obnoxious and the general back-and-forth between the two characters to feel quite awkward. It could’ve been partly the translation, as this was originally written in Japanese, but regardless, I did not particularly like the whiny young man and their obnoxious conversational tone.

That being said though, I think that the conversational approach to the content in The Courage to Be Disliked did a great job of addressing and counterbalancing the controversial topic and how the reader likely feels. The author knew that the majority of readers would take umbrage with the approach to trauma and Adlerian psychology , so the reader is reflected in the young man’s perspective.

What is the meaning of The Courage to Be Disliked?

The Courage to Be Disliked essentially means that, to live happily and make your way in life, you have to be okay with not everybody liking you. In fact, not being liked takes a decent amount of strength and courage that most people don’t have. It’s far easier, more convenient to simply blame everybody else for your problems and never take personal responsibility. Trust me, I did it for a long time.

the courage to be disliked means that you are opting out of taking on the responsibility of making other people happy. In choosing not to engage with other people’s happiness, you are free to do what you want and make the choices you want and live the life you want to live. In the same way that you are responsible for your own happiness, other people are responsible for their happiness, and ultimately how they choose to live is not your problem.

Is The Courage to Be Disliked worth reading?

I’d say The Courage to Be Disliked is worth reading. It’s a challenging but accessible look at the narratives we tell ourselves that keep us stuck in unhealthy, unfulfilling lives. I have and will continue to recommend it to the people in my life who want to shake themselves out of mediocrity and excuse-making. I do personally believe my life has already benefited from this book and will continue. to as I reflect more on the concepts and ideas presented.

I hope you enjoyed this The Courage to Be Disliked summary. What are your thoughts on Adlerian psychology and the book in general? Share below!

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12 May 2021

A book review of “the courage to be disliked” an introduction to adlerian psychology through a japanese philosophical lens.

As one of the inspirations for this project, The Courage to be Disliked, is a book that had an impression on me last year. You must excuse the title, it in no way attempts to make you be a dislikable person, but it does instil with you something great; courage. Truthfully this isn’t really a self help book, rather it’s a cunning ploy to introduce people to Adlerian Psychology under the lens of Japanese philosophy. Yes, it does offer plenty of advice on how to see yourself and the world and will certainly give you insights into making your life better. This book is a great read, fun and interesting, I would recommend everyone give it a shot.

The book follows two Japanese men, an elderly philosopher and a disgruntled young man.

The young man is tired of the world, angry with life and has fallen into despair. Through their discussions the philosopher opens the young man's mind to the world of Alfred Alder, one of the founding fathers of Psychology. The story takes place over five different nights and covers a lot of content, but they can be broken down into five themes, Myth of Trauma, Interpersonal Relationships, Separation of Tasks, Importance of Community and Living in the Here and Now.

Returning to the title, a recurring theme within this book is that of tasks and whose responsibility it is to do those tasks. Part of gaining courage is to properly separate tasks and coming to terms that sometimes some tasks aren’t yours to be burdened with, such as what other people think about you. Despite it being intertwined within many of us; other people’s opinions of ourselves are none of our business. You need to reflect heavily on your life tasks, what are yours, what are other peoples, which of your own are you neglecting and which of other people’s tasks are you burdening yourself with too much? It’s about getting your priorities straight. It’s tough because as much as you might try and organise your tasks, other people will always come along and make a problem out of that, but you must have the courage to say no when the time comes whilst also stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for your tasks.

The importance of the present is brought forth in this tale. Many of us live in the past alongside either trauma or happier times, or we gaze into the future and fixate on potential problems or fantasise about better times. The issue with the past is they’re no longer real and the future's not ours to see. The present is what matters and too many of us forget that. Ground yourself in today and stop holding so deeply onto yesterday or tomorrow. The past might teach us lessons and the future might hold our goals, but it’s the present that is reality, where life actually plays out.

The authors of the book, who the two characters represent, are Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Mr. Kishimi has translated much of Alfred Alder’s books into Japanese and does lectures teaching his works. Mr. Koga is an award winning author with other non-fiction works in psychology and business.

The teachings of this book will provide you introduction to Adlerian Psychology whilst offering a grounding to make real change in your life. I have yet to read the sequel, The Courage to be Happy. The premise continues with our two characters, the young man has become successful but is unhappy and his anger at the world has returned, so he returns to the philosopher for another argument, but will he get more answers and finally find happiness?

I hope you consider reading The Courage to be Disliked. It is a fantastic read and kept me going at the start of the pandemic in 2020. I will be sure to be writing more about the concepts found within this book including the works of Alder in the near future. The book can be purchased on Amazon here with this referral link.

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The Courage to be Disliked – A Book Review

The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga combines Greek philosophy with German psychology in a distinctly Japanese package. Don’t let that put you off to it. The book uses the old Greek discussion format: a young man argues with an older philosopher about Alfred Adler’s psychological ideas. Adler was an opponent of Sigmund Freud and set up his own psychological theory. Whereas Freud focused on past causes to current behavior (don’t forget all his writings on penis envy!), Adler bases his psychology on our ability to change.

Adler posits a few key points:

The past doesn’t matter on your present choices.

Everyone can be happy., all problems are relationship problems..

Self acceptance is key to happiness.

Contributing to others is key to happiness.

Claiming your life tasks is key to happiness..

The authors of the book take time to explain each point using concrete examples of people and situations. I’ll just briefly explain each point.

At first, this struck me as counter intuitive. Neuroscience states brain cells grow in certain patterns based on habits–that is, past behaviors. However, they can also reshape themselves by changing your present behavior, creating a new pattern. Adler and the authors say we can choose to allow the past to influence our behavior or choose a different action in the present. We are not fated to behave in a certain way because of our pasts. Rather, we use the excuse of the past to reach our current goals.

The book spends a fair bit of time discussing the idea of life goals. The idea sits under all of the points of Adler’s theory. We act toward goals we set for ourselves. So a NEET will remain shut in (regardless of how much they may want to be social) because his goal is to avoid the pain interpersonal relationships cause. Adler reverses the cause-effect model. The cause results from the desired effect. Basically we make reasons to reach our goals.

This reversal of cause-effect chains suggests we can choose to be happy or unhappy based on the goals we set. Unhappiness results from a skewed goal and lack of self-acceptance. It doesn’t come from outside influences, which Zen also confirms. Reality is neutral. How we approach it determines whether or not we are happy.

This statement is backed in the book with many different examples that I will leave for you to read. The gist of it, all problems come from disagreements and skewed perspectives of how we relate to other people, ourselves, and the world around us. The idea leaves the solution to problems in our hands. No matter how challenging a problem appears, we always have half the solution. And as the authors discuss, that half is the one that matters.

Self acceptance is the key to happiness.

How we relate to ourselves lays the foundation for how we relate to other people and the world around us. The authors don’t pull their punches in this. Learning to accept your abilities as they are in the present–again without regarding the past–allows you to set realistic goals for yourself. It requires a hard, clear-eyed view. The authors make it clear that it is an uncomfortable, sometimes painful process. In the book the “youth” character hates himself. Much of the book is spent addressing this self hatred many of us carry. Slowly, the authors tear apart this hatred as misguided and based on what they authors call life-lies–lies we tell ourselves to avoid responsibility.

All of Adler’s ideas refer back to each other. Self acceptance allows you to contribute to others and contributing to others allows you to accept yourself. Contributing to others doesn’t involve self-sacrifice or getting involved in others’ business. Rather, it is offering assistance to others without intruding, and otherwise contributing to society and the well-being of others. The book uses the example of work as a contribution to others.

I found this idea the most interesting. Adler and the authors discuss life tasks as actions that belong to you. The hard part is defining what belongs to you and what belongs to others. The authors use the example of people liking you (hence the name of the book) or not. Making people like you isn’t your life task. It’s up to that person to decide, and that decision is out of your control. In fact, the authors suggest that people will dislike you if you live a genuine, earnest life. These people will be jealous of you or otherwise think you too odd.

Joseph Campbell called this following your bliss. It sometimes comes off as selfish, but selfishness works against the other elements of Adler’s philosophy–namely, self acceptance and contribution to others. In order to follow your bliss you have to separate yourself from others a little. In fact, the authors call intervention in life tasks of others selfish. I can see that–it is essentially meddling. Instead, you are to offer assistance if asked for it. I’ll admit that this is something that I struggle with. I am overly helpful and often intervene where I’m not asked. These sections in the book resonated with me because of this habit.

The Negative Aspects of the Book

The book sometimes delves into philosophical terms that can be off putting for people. Some readers may not like the conversation style.

The translation I read often used the term comrade to refer to neighbors in life. As an American, the word made my hackles rise; it has negative connotations because of its close association with communism and dystopias like 1984 and Brave New World. “Neighbors in life” became my substitute for the word, but ally is perhaps a better substitute.

The book has a distinct Japanese flavor that some readers may find odd. Collectivism and Japanese cultural ideas are inevitable considering the authors are Japanese. They color some of the questions the youth in the conversation raises, which could leave some Western readers why the concern is a problem in the first place (such as going against the group).

As with any book of this type, some of the examples are airy, but for the most part, the examples ground the ideas in realistic situations. The translation can be a little awkward. As with this type of book, expect the same ground to be revisited several times.

As a Christian, I found many of Adler’s ideas compatible with my morals. The section on life tasks and horizontal versus vertical relationships may prove to be useful tools for me. If you find German psychology interesting or want a new set of tools to help you change your habits, give The Courage to the Disliked a read.

book review

7 thoughts on “ The Courage to be Disliked – A Book Review ”

I see. Yes we are losing much of the people who live through that time period. I never though to ask my grandpa about what he did during WWII. In fact I might not have been that aware he was once a soldier nor did it cross my mind to ask when I found out. However I was told a bit about what he did during his time in Germany but not much. Just that he had a girlfriend from there at one point. I can imagine the stories he must have told you about his time as the bars in Japan and the atoll test being funny. The fact you mention he is still kicking reminds me of an acquaintance who is also an elder but he seems physically healthy enough to play sports. We play picklball often weekly.

Concerning the book I understand. I guess you would have to ponder those questions on your own.

Also, I would not say I am a long time reader. I discover your blog this year so I would say for the past couple of months now. ^_^

At my library, we try to encourage different generations to mix, but it’s hard to get young people and older people together sometimes.

Thank you for reading. ^_^

I can understand! Generally people like to spend time with their own peers. Also you’re welcome! 🙂

This looks like to be a nice book to check out, and the fact this was written by people from Japan is an added bonus as it means I get a much different perspective from what I usually receive. It would be interesting to see how Western Philosophy and German Psychology gets mix with a Japanese perspective. Also from checking out the sneak peek a bit on Amazon I would say I have a good feeling of this book by the idea of the information being presented through dialogue (basically a story like format). It’s reminiscent of what I read during my time taking a course in Western Philosophy when reading of the Greek philosophers.

Concerning what is discuss in the book, I am familiar with points 1, 4, and 5, and point 2 is something I am already aware of, but point 3 was the most different to me. I never thought that every problem was tie to relationships, but I get the gist of it.

The cons of the book you lay down do not seem much of an issue for me either; especially the part you mention that the writers tend to use the word comrade. I actually thought it was odd for a second that you got triggered by that word (and we live in the same country), but given your explanation I can understand why. Given the time period I grew up in I guess I was not as heavy indoctrinated, or maybe not at all, on the evils of communism. Plus, I hardly consume dystopia stories as they do not resonate with me. The word has more of a positive association for me as a character, whom I had a crush on, from an anime I watch years ago (but never finished) had the tendency to refer to her friends as comrades, and it left me with a different way of viewing friendships be they close and/or intimate. It also relates to the word camaraderie that I first heard from a video game year ago, and from learning the meaning of the term it resonated with me and my views on friendships.

The conversation format won’t be a problem for many people, but I know of a few that would find the format off-putting. The Youth in the story sometimes frustrated me by not asking deeper questions I would ask, but that’s not unusual in this format.

You will enjoy the section of the book that explains why all problems are interpersonal problems.

Some of my best friends during my teen years were from the WWII generation. It seems some of their issues with the word rubbed off on me. Whereas, you have a more positive history with the word. It shows how the stories we consume can influence our thoughts, even when dealing with a single word ^_^.

Given from what I have sample the youth seems to be one of those characters who only see things in the surface level, so for that reason it might explain why he does not probe deep as enough.Also, I I’ll look forward to reading the chapter that touches on why all problems are relationship problems.

Another thing that is neat you have friends who fought during WWII. It means you got some history from their perspective. 🙂 My late grandpa serve in WWII. And yes what we consume does have an affect on our outlooks. In fact you wrote about that before hand. I have been reading your blog for a while now, but this is the first time commenting. I have been meaning to do so for a while.

The youth gets into some depth, but not the areas I wanted him too. But the book isn’t really a philosophical treatise or anything, so I didn’t really expect deep questions.

I learned a lot from them. Sadly, they are all gone now. WWII is falling out of our living memory. I hope you managed to learn about the War from your grandfather. Luckily, I know of one gentleman who visits my library who was in Hiroshima shortly after the bombing and at the Bikini Atoll during those tests. He used to be an engineer’s assistant on the earliest submarine reactors. He’s had a lot of problems with cancer, as you can expect, but he is still kicking. He has some hilarious stories of their antics in Japan’s bars and at the atoll before the tests.

Thanks for commenting and being a long-time reader. ^_^

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi [Book Review]

by Eliza | Mar 7, 2022 | Book Reviews | 0 comments

One of the books that I put on my TBR for 2022 was the nonfiction book, The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change your Life and Achieve Real Happiness by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. I listened to the audiobook version of the book, so this review refers specifically to that version.

Book Description:

T he Courage to Be Disliked , already an enormous bestseller in Asia with more than 3.5 million copies sold, demonstrates how to unlock the power within yourself to be the person you truly want to be.

Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 20th-century psychology, The Courage to Be Disliked follows an illuminating conversation between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher explains to his pupil how each of us is able to determine our own life, free from the shackles of past experiences, doubts, and the expectations of others. It’s a way of thinking that is deeply liberating, allowing us to develop the courage to change and to ignore the limitations that we and other people have placed on us. The result is a book that is both highly accessible and profound in its importance. Millions have already read and benefited from its wisdom. This truly life-changing audiobook will help you declutter your mind of harmful thoughts and attitudes, helping you to make a lasting change, achieve real happiness, and find success.

An Unconventional Style of Writing

I added this book to my list for the year because I kept seeing people mentioning it and I read a lot of reviews. I wasn’t sure if I would be into the style of writing since it is somewhat unconventional. The book is written like a conversation between an older, wiser man and a younger, curious man. They go back and forth about philosophy and what these concepts truly mean. This style was interesting and I think it made some of the concepts feel more digestible. If I felt like I didn’t agree with one idea and the “younger” man also had hesitations, it opened the door for me to openly question that idea.

I think that this is why the authors chose to use this method of teaching because it allows you to separate yourself from the book. Instead of feeling like you are frustrated by some bizarre idea, there is already a voice in the book that demonstrates that frustration. Then the wiser man takes the time to quell your discomfort with the ideas. But when listening to the narration, there were some issues with this format. I will get into that in the next section.

Overall, the concepts introduced in this book were really interesting. There were definitely philosophical concepts that I had never heard of before. I took psychology and sociology classes in college, and I’m surprised we didn’t spend more time discussing Adler’s ideas (or at least not that I remember.)

The Narration

Narrated by: noah galvin, graeme malcolm, january lavoy.

This book has three narrators. There is the main narrator, who introduces and reviews concepts at the start and end of some of the chapters. She sometimes repeats concepts for emphasis and she did a great job. Her voice was very easy to listen to. Both men that narrated the young and old men did a good job as well, but it was sometimes a struggle for me to listen to them go back and forth.

The younger man, whose voice sounds almost identical to Jesse Eisenberg (so I ended up picturing him this way for the entire book), is very annoying. I don’t know if this was intentional or not. But his reactions to concepts that he doesn’t agree with are really over the top. He responds in anger and sometimes will “walk out” of the chapter because he is so disturbed by the concepts. This felt very unrealistic and exaggerated. I don’t know if they chose to write him as super dramatic so that people felt their own reactions were accepted or if they really think “young” people respond to philosophy with that much anger and discomfort. If they do, I certainly haven’t seen or experienced it!

Does This Book Deliver On Its Promise?

The premise of this book is that it will give you the courage to be your true self. To no longer care about what anyone thinks of you. It will give you the courage to be disliked. So, did it work?

In some ways, yes. Some of these concepts seemed upside down compared to what I was used to reading in self-help and psychology. I really enjoyed that and while I might not be a whole-hearted convert, I found it helpful to reframe the way I think about situations.

One of the most controversial ideas in this book is the idea that trauma is not real. Trauma has no control over you and if you feel that you behave a certain way because of your trauma, you are wrong. It is actually our own choice to behave that way. An example the authors give is of a man who had a poor relationship with his dad. Classic Freudian thinking would say that he doesn’t have a good relationship with his father because he was abusive to him when he was young. This trauma prevents them from bonding now that they are both adults.

However, this book suggests that we look at the situation as a choice that the son is making. That his true goal is to not have a relationship with his father, so he makes the choice to bring up thoughts about the trauma in order to prevent that relationship from working. He could just as easily choose not to bring up thoughts about the wrongdoings of the past and simply move on if he decides that his goal is to have a relationship with his father.

I was pretty much blown away by this concept. On one hand, it does put the power back in your hands. I don’t believe that we must be controlled by our trauma. However, I think it is pretty extreme to say that trauma itself does not exist. I have read studies about trauma remapping our brains. There is certainly a lot of research into childhood trauma and the ways that we can actually see it manifest itself in the body. Trauma is real. But I can make the choice to take away from this book the concept that trauma does not remove our ability to make choices for our own lives.

There are other examples in the book that felt a little extreme to me. Overall, I really enjoyed the book and I would recommend it to anyone that is interested in philosophy, behavioral studies, and self-improvement.

I believe The Courage to be Disliked does deliver on its promise and you might be surprised by some of the statements within it (such as children should never be praised.) I found many of the concepts useful, and I am glad that I read it. I probably won’t refer to it again in the future, but it was definitely worth a read!

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Review: The popular self-help book The Courage To Be Disliked is a bit of a Trojan horse

This article was published more than 5 years ago. Some information may no longer be current.

Title: The Courage To Be Disliked

Author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Genre: Self-help

Publisher: Simon & Schuster. Pages: 288. Price: $29.99

On a wall in my bedroom, I have taped up a piece of jaundiced yellow note paper that bears a quote by Hungarian novelist George Konrad. It reads, in part: “Have a lived life instead of a career. Put yourself in the safekeeping of good taste. Lived freedom will compensate you for a few losses.”

It’s the sort of wisdom that affords one a modicum of comfort, on par with that afforded by a “Hang In There, Baby!” kitty cat poster or an inspirational coffee mug embossed with that “Try again, fail again, fail better” Samuel Beckett quote. And for me, it’s enough.

Yet for the ballooning industry of self-improvement, which takes in an estimated US$10-billion annually, enough is never enough. Where once a poster about missing 100 per cent of the shots you don’t take or a feel-good, Chicken Soup for the Soul -style anecdote may have sufficed in buoying spirits, now the work of eking through modern life demands something far more assiduous. It demands a system. Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga’s The Courage to be Disliked , billed as “the Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness” offers such a system. The book – which, as the marketing boasts, has sold more than 3.5 million copies in Asia – is something of a Trojan horse.

Simon and Shuster

While it’s presented as a self-bettering cure-all imported from the East, its actual subject is the work of Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler. A colleague of Sigmund Freud, Adler focused on the role the social world played in constituting the individual, opposing Freudianism’s more egocentric view of personality development. So while The Courage to be Disliked presents as something like “Eastern philosophy,” it’s really a book dedicated to a psychoanalytic framework of a relatively obscure mid-20th century Austrian doctor.

The Courage to be Disliked takes the form of a dialogue between a Youth and Philosopher, a format familiar to anyone who has ever skimmed a Socratic dialogue or Boethius’s The Consolations of Philosophy . The Youth, described as a “young man who was dissatisfied with life,” begs for a road map to a happier life while the Philosopher (who is identified as such despite merely parroting the talking points of a psychologist) waxes on about horizontal relationships, how the fear of being disliked can hamstring social affairs, how all problems are interpersonal relationship problems, how the key to life is to “live like you’re dancing” and how you’re the only one who can change yourself (an insight I had already gleaned during a recent, zonked-out viewing of the movie Daddy’s Home 2 ). Over 200-plus pages, The Courage to be Disliked dusts off such cornball bromides and remounts them as deeply profound wisdom, bridging Eastern and Western traditions.

Never mind the fact that our dissatisfied young man may feel frustrated, adrift, alienated, burnt out etc., not because he refuses to live like he’s dancing, but because of more pressing material conditions wrought by previous generations. Adler was himself a committed socialist who psychoanalyzed Leon Trotsky, a tantalizing historical detail unremarked upon in Kishimi and Koga’s book. Adler’s focus on horizontally oriented community relationships was not just woozily spiritual, but political and economic. This seems to be deliberately obfuscated when the philosopher remarks that the extremely wealthy pursue wealth not out of shameless greed, but “so they are able to contribute to others, and also to confirm their sense of belonging.”

Taken individually, the advice provided by Kishimi and Koga is good enough. What needles about The Courage to be Disliked is not that it offers mostly welcome (if largely banal) bits of wisdom, but a totalizing worldview. To be happy, the book posits, one must be an Adlerian. And maybe it’s just my hard-earned skepticism (or more easily won cynicism), but any happiness achieved through ascription to one-or-another closed system feels like a cultish panacea.

In the book’s afterword, Kishimi describes how he discovered Adler’s work and the subsequent obsession with it that led in turn to The Courage to be Disliked . “In life,” he writes, “there are encounters in which a book one happens to pick up one day ends up completely altering one’s landscape the following morning.” There’s genuine understanding there, too. But what such modest wisdom forgets is that the pleasure of finding such a book is in the finding itself – in the brief and serendipitous encounter with a book, an author, a particularly well-turned phrase that can, however briefly, bring the hurly-burly into focus.

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Picture this: You’re at a party, and someone asks, “What’s the book about?”

Well, it’s not your typical self-help manual. Instead, it’s a conversation between a philosopher and a young man exploring the tenets of Adlerian psychology.

It’s like eavesdropping on a life-changing tête-à-tête – without the awkward stares.

Alfred Adler is highly recognized and influential in the field of psychology. His brainchild, the Adlerian approach, isn’t just a psychological whisper; it’s a roaring testament to individual psychology.

Scholars and practitioners are nodding in agreement – Adler’s ideas are the secret sauce in the psychology mix!

2. Courage, Coffee, and Comfort Zones

The central theme revolves around the courage to embrace your own path, even if it means being disliked. Sounds easier said than done, right?

Well, the authors sprinkle a dash of humor and wit that makes this philosophical rollercoaster a joyride.

The book argues that seeking approval is a hamster wheel we’ve all been running on for too long. Imagine breaking free from that exhausting cycle.

Liberating, isn’t it? It’s like trading in your cramped cubicle for a corner office with a view – a view of your authentic, unapologetic self.

3. A Symphony of Ideas

One of the book’s strengths lies in its presentation. Instead of the usual sermon-style self-help book, “The Courage To Be Disliked” unfolds as a series of conversations.

It’s like attending a philosophy TED Talk where you’re not just a passive observer but an active participant.

The authors challenge popular beliefs, offering a symphony of ideas that’ll make your mental gears turn.

It’s like shaking a snow globe – your thoughts might be a bit scattered at first, but as they settle, you gain clarity on the life you truly desire.

Unlocking the Toolbox of Adlerian Wisdom

Now, let’s delve into the treasure trove of Adlerian principles that “The Courage To Be Disliked” unfolds.

It’s like getting the keys to a secret toolbox – a toolbox that’s been hiding in plain sight, just waiting for you to unlock its potential.

1. Goal-Oriented Living: The North Star of Happiness

One of the jewels in this philosophical treasure is the concept of Gemeinschaftsgefühl – a mouthful, I know, but bear with me. It’s the idea of social interest or community feeling.

book-review-the-courage-to-be-disliked-by-ichiro-kishimi-and-fumitake-koga-self-help-book-quotes

Picture it as your compass guiding you toward a life filled with purpose and connection.

Suddenly, the pursuit of happiness becomes less about selfies and more about contributing to the greater good.

The authors challenge the notion that our past dictates our present.

Sure, we all have a backstory, but the power lies in how we interpret and use it.

It’s like turning a stumbling block into a stepping stone – a mental karate kick that’s as empowering as it sounds.

2. Taking the Driver’s Seat: The Fiction of Finalism

Ever felt like life’s steering wheel is in someone else’s hands?

Kishimi and Koga give you a crash course in fictional finalism – the idea that we each have our own fictional goals driving our actions.

It’s like realizing you’re not just a passenger but the captain of your destiny.

Who knew philosophy could be so liberating?

3. Courageous Conversations: Navigating the Sea of Relationships

The book doesn’t just stop at empowering individualism. It extends its helping hand into the realm of relationships.

It’s like a guidebook for decoding the intricate dance of human connections.

The authors argue that our interpersonal dynamics are more like a dance than a chess game.

So, lace up your dancing shoes and waltz your way to more meaningful connections.

Applying the Wisdom in Real Life: A Practical Playbook

Now that we’ve uncovered the philosophical treasures within “The Courage To Be Disliked,” let’s talk about applying these nuggets of wisdom to the real world.

After all, what good is knowledge if it remains trapped between the pages?

1. Embrace Your Uniqueness

Imagine a world where authenticity is the currency, and fitting in is so last season.

The book encourages you to ditch the cookie-cutter mold and embrace the quirks that make you, well, you.

It’s like trading in your black-and-white TV for a technicolor life.

So, go ahead and flaunt your uniqueness – it’s your superpower.

2. The Liberation of Letting Go

If seeking approval were a sport, many of us would be Olympic champions.

“The Courage To Be Disliked” challenges the notion that popularity is the ultimate prize.

It’s like a detox for your soul, releasing you from the shackles of external validation.

Picture it as a mental KonMari method – decluttering your mind from unnecessary approval-seeking baggage.

3. Conquering Conflict with Compassion

The book’s wisdom extends into the realm of relationships, offering a revolutionary perspective on conflicts.

It’s not about winning or losing but understanding and connecting.

It’s like upgrading your relationship toolkit from a hammer to a Swiss army knife – versatile, effective, and surprisingly practical.

4. Your Life, Your Script

Ever felt like life handed you a script you didn’t sign up for?

“The Courage To Be Disliked” hands you a pen and says, “You’re the author now.”

It’s a call to rewrite your narrative with intention, purpose, and a touch of rebellious flair.

So, grab that pen and start drafting the chapters of a life you’ll be proud to call your own.

The Final Act: A Standing Ovation for Fearless Living

As the curtains draw on our exploration, “The Courage To Be Disliked” isn’t just a book review; it’s an invitation to embark on a transformative journey.

It’s not a one-time read but a companion in your quest for fearless living.

So, dear readers, let this be more than just a post. Let it be a catalyst for change, a spark that ignites the flame of courage within you.

Whether you’re sipping coffee in your favorite bookstore or scrolling through the virtual aisles of an online platform, make sure to add this gem to your reading list.

Your future self might just send you a thank-you card.

In a world that often values conformity over courage, let’s raise a virtual toast to the courage to be disliked.

Here’s to embracing your uniqueness, letting go of approval, and rewriting the script of your life with intention.

May your journey be as bold, vibrant, and extraordinary as the philosophy that inspired it.

Happy reading and even happier living!

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Having the courage to be disliked is the key to happiness, says Japanese best-selling book—here's why

M ost people are terrified at the thought of someone disliking them and often go above and beyond to ensure that they're likable; but that mindset may be shifting due to a best-selling book in Asia that is trending on social media called " The Courage to Be Disliked ."

Written in the format of a hypothetical conversation between a young person and a philosopher, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, the authors of the book, explore why it's important to understand, and accept, being disliked in order to be happy.

The book's premise is centered around Adlerian theory , a decades-old psychology coined by Alfred Alder, an Austrian psychotherapist.

At the heart of the book, and Adlerian theory, is the idea that "freedom is being disliked by other people." The authors emphasize that when you follow where life is leading you, not everyone will be on board with what you're doing.

DON'T MISS: My No. 1 takeaway from Oprah’s new happiness book: It’s ‘one of the greatest gifts you can give to anybody’

Being disliked by someone "is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles," according to the book. On the other hand, when you shift your desires to match that of what other people think you should do, to avoid being disliked, then you are living an unfree life.

While you shouldn't go out of your way to be disliked, you should avoid being afraid of being disliked because it is inevitable.

To truly live life on your own terms, the book says you need to:

Be unconcerned with other people's judgments
Not fear being disliked by other people
Accept that you may never be recognized by others for your contributions

Recognition is nice, but it isn't necessary

This may sound too good to be true, especially as social beings who crave recognition. But feeling positive emotions as a result of recognition from others isn't an issue; it's feeling a need to be recognized by others that can cause unhappiness, Kishimi and Koga note.

"Being recognized by others is certainly something to be happy about. But it would be wrong to say that being recognized is absolutely necessary," they wrote.

"Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be 'this kind of person.' In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people's lives."

This leads into one of the biggest lessons that the book touches on, which is that "happiness is a feeling of contribution."

As long as you feel that your contributions to the world are useful, then you won't need validation from others to affirm that, they explain. Your contributions actually can be small or not even seen by others, and as long as you feel that you've made a difference, that can lead to true happiness, according to the book.

"All we need is the subjective sense that 'I am of use to someone,' or in others words, a feeling of contribution," and that breeds happiness, the authors wrote.

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Having the courage to be disliked is the key to happiness, says Japanese best-selling book—here's why

The Courage to be Disliked Summary

The japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness, the power to change, we accept the world as we see it, nobody is perfect, so why do we struggle with imperfection, comparisons are odious, live for yourself, the taming of the ego, in conclusion, continue your learning.

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The Courage to Be Disliked

The japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness.

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About The Authors

Ichiro Kishimi was born in Kyoto, where he currently resides. He writes and lectures on Adlerian psychology and provides counseling for youths in psychiatric clinics as a certified counselor and consultant for the Japanese Society of Adlerian Psychology. He is the translator, into Japanese, of selected writings by Alfred Adler— The Science of Living and Problems of Neurosis —and he is the author of Introduction to Adlerian Psychology , in addition to numerous other books.

Fumitake Koga is an award-winning professional writer and author. He has released numerous bestselling works of business-related and general non-fiction. He encountered Adlerian psychology in his late twenties and was deeply affected by its conventional wisdom–defying ideas. Thereafter, Koga made numerous visits to Ichiro Kishimi in Kyoto, gleaned from him the essence of Adlerian psychology, and took down the notes for the classical “dialogue format” method of Greek philosophy that is used in this book.

Product Details

Publisher: Atria Books (May 8, 2018)
Length: 288 pages
ISBN13: 9781501197277

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Raves and Reviews

"Marie Kondo, but for your brain."

– Hello Giggles

“Adlerian psychology meets Stoic philosophy in Socratic dialogue. Compelling from front to back. Highly recommend.”

– Marc Andreessen, venture capitalist and founder of Andreessen Horowitz

"A nuanced discussion of a complex theory, with moments of real philosophical insight.... [It's] refreshing and useful to read a philosophy that goes against many contemporary orthodoxies. More than a century since Adler founded his school of psychology, there’s still insight and novelty in his theories."

“[ The Courage to be Disliked guides] readers toward achieving happiness and lasting change… For those seeking a discourse that helps explain who they are in the world, Kishimi and Koga provide an illuminating conversation.”

– Library Journal

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The Courage to Be Disliked Summary

1-Sentence-Summary: The Courage to Be Disliked is a Japanese analysis of the work of 19th-century psychologist Alfred Adler, who established that happiness lies in the hands of each human individual and does not depend on past traumas.

Favorite quote from the author:

Table of Contents

Video Summary

Free audio & pdf summary, the courage to be disliked review, who would i recommend the courage to be disliked summary to.

In 2016, people found conclusive evidence to prove Einstein’s theory of general relativity . For over 100 years, an entire branch of physics operated under the assumption that this idea was true. Working off of an assumption might sound risky, but science has always worked this way. Everything is a theory , waiting to be proven wrong.

Hence, the resurgence of old ideas shouldn’t surprise us. In psychology, the works of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung have dominated for a long time. But now, an opposing contemporary of theirs is resurfacing: Alfred Adler . The Japanese authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga have analyzed his work for decades and now present an adapted version of it, ready to serve us in our quest for happiness .

The result is The Courage to Be Disliked , an instant bestseller in Japan and now a global phenomenon, with over 3.5 million copies sold. The book tells the story of an unhappy young man, who visits a philosopher on the outskirts of his city. Throughout five conversations, the teacher helps him take control of his own life and happiness.

Here are 3 lessons this book teaches:

It’s dangerous to believe that your past determines your future.
If you focus on what’s wrong with you, you might be looking for reasons to hate yourself on purpose.
Most of what we think of as competition is just made up and hurting our happiness.

Let’s see how Adler’s ideas can help us live true to ourselves, and become happier!

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Lesson 1: Your past does not determine your future.

The key word in Freudian psychology is ‘trauma.’ It asserts that most of our self-image takes deep root in our psyche at a young age. Therefore, bad experiences then will lead to much trouble later. As a result, Freud assumed most of our adult lives is spent trying to fight, unravel, and overcome our limiting beliefs from the past.

According to Adler, this isn’t true. While he agreed that we form a style of life early on, whether that’s being an optimist or a pessimist , for example, he didn’t believe this was a fixed point of our character. Adler defended the idea that we can change who we are in any given moment .

Even if you could trace all your flaws back to two or three instances in your childhood, so what? You can only change them now, in the present. You have to believe that something different can happen in order to break old patterns . And you can choose that new outlook at any time.

So why not choose it right now?

Lesson 2: Hating yourself is usually a way of shutting out others, rather than actually warranted.

One of the author’s students once admitted that he disliked himself because he was too aware of his own flaws. Adler categorized such flaws into two categories: objective and subjective inferiorities. Objective ones are those we can measure and confirm, like being shorter than someone else or having less money. In contrast, we fabricate subjective inferiorities.

While talking to the student, Kishimi too realized that the flaws the young man saw weren’t real . In essence, he made up reasons to hate himself in order to seek isolation from others and, thus, avoid getting hurt . His loneliness was the cause of his misery, not the effect of any actual shortcomings.

Adler said the only inferiorities we have to actively deal with are the objective ones, and only if they really hinder us in reaching our goals . But the subjective ones aren’t even there, so be sure to probe them before you deem yourself unworthy.

One wonderful antidote to this problem is, as author Kamal Ravikant puts it, to Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It .

Lesson 3: A competitive mindset destroys your mental health.

In one of my most popular posts , I wrote:

Mark Twain remarked that “comparison is the death of joy.” But, and this is worse, it’s also the birth of misery.

This is something Adler would agree with. He saw competitive societies as detrimental to our mental health and well-being . Today, this is a prominent topic in debates around Western vs. Eastern culture. Countries like Japan and China also have competition, but are, overall, more focused on cooperation , whereas nations like the US and Germany really focus on individual winner types .

The problem is that if you believe in order to be happy, you need to come out on top of some game, like earning money, getting likes, or having friends, you’ll be sad either way. The losers feel bad for losing, the winners constantly worry about their success.

Adler sought something much more productive to be the purpose of psychology: to help humans be courageous . Once you let go of a narrow, competitive mindset and embrace abundance , you’ll never feel like anyone is holding you back. After all, there’s enough to go around for everyone and as long as you work on yourself, you can achieve anything you want!

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What an empowering, rational, thoughtfully crafted book. The Courage To Be Disliked comes in the calm, cool-headed style you would expect from Eastern philosophers. By shining a light on Adler’s work, it fills a gap in our current pop psychology conversation. It provides a useful, level-headed approach to living a happy and fulfilled life.

The 14 year old girl with braces, who has to deal with bullying at school, the 23 year old grad student, who worries about his future career, and anyone who feels like their past continues to haunt them.

Last Updated on March 15, 2024

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The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness is a self-help/philosophy book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Published in 2013, the book encourages people to stop worrying about how others think about them, but to embrace and liberate themselves. Taking the readers through the 19 th -century teachings by Alfred Adler, the authors offer insights into relationships, happiness, and personal growth.

The book is written in dialogue form between a young man and a philosopher offering advice on how to live a happier life. Through their dialogue, readers get lessons from various topics, including the importance of relationships, personal responsibility, and the power of self-reflection, among others. From the below book summary, one learns that the book is based on a simple principle: We have the power to find happiness within ourselves. In this case, no complicated formula can be used to find happiness. This book summary will capture the book’s key concepts, central ideas, and practical advice from the five nights that the young man spent with the philosopher.

Table of Contents

The First Night: Deny Trauma

The most controversial topic during the first night, or maybe the whole book, is that trauma does not exist. Interacting with the young man, the philosopher shared about the Adlerian psychology concept. This psychology is based on Alfred Adler, the Austrian psychotherapist and philosopher. According to him, No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining .

The above statement is hard to swallow, given the traumatic experiences we face in day-to-day activities. However, Adler wanted to convince us that trauma only affects our lives when we give meaning to it. When the philosopher shared the above, the boy narrated a case of his friend who had anxiety and fear linked to leaving the house. According to the young man, the boy never wanted to leave the house because of the trauma he had earlier experienced. Challenging this statement, the philosopher argued that the boy created the goal not to leave the house.

The Second Night: All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

One week after the first night, the boy returned for more philosophy lessons. During the second night of meeting the philosopher, the boy argued that he disliked himself. The young boy argued, No matter what I do, I can’t find anything but shortcomings, and I can see no reason why I’d start liking myself. According to the authors, You notice only your shortcomings because you’ve resolved not to start liking yourself .

In this chapter, the authors also touched on the concept of lifestyle. In most cases, lifestyles are shaped by our inferiority feelings that are primarily rooted in our childhood experiences. How do we overcome such feelings? According to the book, overcoming the feelings of inferiority and creating the lives we want requires us to embrace uniqueness and individuality.

The Third Night: Discard Other People’s Tasks

During the third night of the book , the authors discussed how to achieve real happiness. In most cases, we get engaged in activities that make us loved by others. According to Adlerian psychology, we cannot live trying to satisfy other people’s expectations. On the contrary, we should discard the human need to be recognized. What happens when we seek recognition from others? In most cases, it leads us to follow what they expect from us. If we get consumed with satisfying other people’s expectations, it becomes a difficult life to live.

The book also emphasizes that we hold the cards for our interpersonal relationships. The philosopher shared about his bad relationship with his father. According to the young man, the poor relationship probably resulted from a bad encounter in the past. Challenging this statement, the philosopher argued that such a thought cements the Freudian etiology way of thinking, where past trauma impacts the future. Instead of blaming his troubled relationship with his father on past experiences, the philosopher argued that he had the responsibility of mending the relationship.

The Fourth Night: Where the Center of the World Is

A week after the third night, the young man called the philosopher for more lessons. He was concerned about the previous lesson on freedom and needed clarification. He argued, The idea of separating tasks is certainly a useful one. You had me completely convinced last time. But it seems like such a lonely way to live. Separating the tasks and lightening the load of one’s interpersonal relations is just the same as cutting one’s connection to other people. And, to top it off, you’re telling me to be disliked by other people? If that’s what you call freedom, then I’ll choose not to be free! From this statement, the young man was struggling with the idea of loneliness occurring after the tasks’ separation.

During this night, the philosopher emphasized the importance of self-acceptance toward leading a meaningful and fulfilling life. In most cases, we are prone to conforming to societal expectations and norms that leads to unhappiness and frustration. However, the authors encourage readers to embrace their individuality and uniqueness. When receiving praise from others becomes our goal, we are more prone to choose their way of living and neglecting our path. From this night’s conversations, we learn that a sense of belonging is something we acquire through our efforts and not something we are endowed with at birth.

The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest in Here and Now

During the fifth night, the book offers practical guidance towards creating a meaningful and fulfilling life. According to the philosopher, the key to fulfillment and happiness is taking responsibility for our lives, staying true to ourselves, and developing a sense of social interest. To have the courage to be disliked, we have to look at others as equals and not above or below us. In this context, redefining our hierarchy in the world can change our lives for good.

Key Lessons from the Book

No experience, including trauma, is a cause of failure–past traumas should not be viewed as excuses for failure.
The courage to be happy hinges on the courage to be disliked.
Your unhappiness and challenging life should not be blamed on the environment or past experiences; it should be blamed on your lack of courage to be disliked.
Avoid working hard to satisfy the expectations of others.
We determine our future by the meaning we give to our past experiences.
Loneliness is defined as having other people, society and community around you while feeling excluded from them.
Interpersonal issues come after we intrude on other people’s tasks or have ours intruded.
Do not live your life to please others.
You have the power to choose your life’s path.
Comparison is a trap–we all have our unique life paths.

The Courage To Be Disliked

The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a guide that helps us to accept ourselves as we are. With all the goodness and bad things, that we all imbibe, the need is to accept and embrace self. If you are the one who gets bothered by other's opinions, then you are at the right place.

Do you like yourself? Your way of living? Or, do you harbour doubt on acceptance by others? What others think? You care more for their approval than yours?

If these are important questions for you, then I must congratulate you on dropping here as this is the place where you will get all your doubts cleared.

Introduction

Today we will discuss the book “The Courage To Be Disliked” by “ Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga “.

This book explains how you can change your life and find happiness. The book discusses Adlerian psychology, which changes your attitude to lead an easy and happy life. The book tells you how to harness the power within you to be your best and most authentic self, change your future and find everlasting happiness.

The author explains that we all can free our future from past experiences, doubts, and expectations of others. It sets us free, gives us courage, and allows us to ignore the limitations we and those around us may place on us. This book will help you to change your whole life.

To understand the book better, we are going to discuss this book in 11 essential chapters.

So let’s get started.

Chapter 1. How to Change Your Life?

You can change at any time. But you cannot do this because you do not choose to do so. Meaning you do not take the necessary steps for change. And remain entangled in his past. “Adlerian Psychology” tells us we should consider our current goals, not past causes. Remember, your past does not determine your present ; it is the meaning you make of your history.

You can’t change just because you don’t decide to change. It’s easier to leave things as they are. But if you stay like this, you can face more bad troubles. Your life can be painful and anxious if you choose not to change. You can’t even fulfill your dreams when you don’t decide to change. So, to make a change, you must tell yourself, “If I can try, I can do it”. Also, it would help if you made changes with full courage.

If your past experiences were not good, it does not mean that you cannot improve your present. You create your gift through whatever you do to fulfill your objectives or dreams. This means you create the meaning and experience of your life yourself, so never hold back from making changes. Persevere, and eventually, you can change your life.

Chapter 2. You Create the Feelings

As you know, your change begins with the decision to make a change. Therefore, you must see the obstacle between the changes, so you cannot continuously change. The answer is your feelings. Yes, it is your feelings due to which you face difficulties and cannot complete the change.

This means that you start shouting angrily when something in your life does not go according to you. And your emotions overwhelm you; in other words, by yelling, you create a feeling of anger.

Anger is a feeling that makes you uncontrollable. And you start making wrong decisions; that’s why it is said that decisions taken in anger are like trouble . You get angry over small things like the waiter spilling coffee on your jacket, then you yell at him, while you know that shouting or getting angry will not clean your jacket.

That’s why you should stay calm and learn to control your emotions. Remember, emotions do not govern us. Instead, we should keep our emotions under control.

If you cannot control your emotions and anger, you will not be able to manage your life, either. To get out of all this, accept yourself now, don’t let your emotions overwhelm you, try to remain calm, forgive yourself and others for mistakes regardless of the consequences, and go ahead and Have the courage to grow. You can manage your whole life if you learn to control your emotions.

Chapter 3. Use Adlerian Psychology

We all do the determination of our life according to our experience. And sometimes, this makes our lifestyle, which decides how we see the world and ourselves.

A boy named Sam had to face a problem like an accident when he came out of the house once in his childhood, due to which fear remains in his mind, so he has trouble coming out of that shock.

Adlerian Method: It turns out that Sam doesn’t aim to go out, so he faces anxiety and fear of coming out. Similarly, he also sees the world as a scary world. But this fear is just an excuse because if Sam never tried to get out, how could he escape that shock?

Similarly, to know the result of any work in your life, it is necessary to do and see it; only then will you be able to see its positive side. Whatever has happened so far should have nothing to do with how you live from now on. Remember, you are living in the present, and you are the one who decides your own life. Therefore, with full courage, move ahead confidently and achieve your goals.

Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage . According to this, do not blame the past or your environment for your problems and do not believe that you lack eligibility, but the truth is that you cannot achieve your goals simply due to a lack of courage.

Therefore, you must have courage and do your work confidently to get happiness. Only then will you be able to come out of your every shock and achieve the absolute joy of your life.

Chapter 4. You use an inferiority complex as an excuse

As we know, when we use our emotions as an excuse, we get into trouble. Similarly, feelings of inferiority are subjective rather than objective facts, which comparing oneself arise solely from there’s a good thing about subjectivity: it allows you to make your own choices, which means you can improve your attitude towards something by changing your relationship with it, etc.

Although we cannot change the objective facts, objective fact implies that the thing remains as it is by nature, but we can change the subjective as much as we want.

We come into the world as helpless creatures and universally desire to escape that vulnerable state. This is called the pursuit of superiority. The feeling of inferiority, by using it correctly, can be made a good source for development. However, unsuccessful people lose the courage to step forward and only accept that some situations can be changed by making realistic efforts.

Before doing anything, they give up and say, “I’m not good enough anyway ,” or “Even if I tried, I wouldn’t stand a chance.” So it is called an inferiority complex. People often use feelings of inferiority as an excuse not to. Something like this: “I’m not well educated, so I can’t be successful,” or “I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get into a good relationship.” It is said to use an inferiority complex.

Whereas successful people are those, who have excelled. And they do everything as if they are great and move forward with the spirit of excellence. To keep moving forward, keep the inferiority complex away from you and keep moving forward by using your goodness.

You will need the courage to move forward continuously so that you will be able to face the obstacles firmly. With this, you will surely achieve success, and your life will be filled with happiness. Therefore, leaving the feeling of making excuses from today and now, focus on moving forward and getting the desired results.

Chapter 5. How to Find Real Happiness?

Most of us cannot be happy because we see the happiness of others as our “own defeat” and want to change others accordingly. But if you want to be satisfied, you have to focus on yourself. Adlerian psychology is the psychology of changing oneself, not the psychology of changing others.

Instead of waiting for others to change, the first step is to take yourself forward . Because the world can never change, you can be the change you want to see.

If you want to try to move ahead with excellence, you must take a step forward; no one else will do it for you. Also, to achieve happiness in your life, you have to create a healthy sense of inferiority, which does not come from comparing yourself to others but comes from comparing yourself with your ideal self today so that you get the inner motivation to improve yourself and move forward till you become like your perfect person.

Many people are unhappy while making their successful life in the eyes of society because they are just living in competition. But, when you realize that “people are my companions,” your way of looking at the world will change, and you will be able to achieve your happiness.

Adler believes in the pursuit of excellence, a universal desire to strive to be great, which teaches you to take steps to move forward, for which you need to compete to make the goal of being more significant than others.

Remember, we are all different from each other, and we all have our unique qualities. We do not walk to compete with anyone. Instead, improve yourself, so try to move forward from what you have now. Your competition should be with yourself so that you can develop yourself best.

You are thinking about yourself, worrying, making decisions, and making your happiness depend on you. So move forward with courage, focus on becoming better today than yesterday, and keep moving towards your ideal goal till you achieve it.

Everyone is running towards their goal; the wife is looking for parenting tips, and the husband is looking for business and finance tips. Siblings are looking for mental/physical fitness, teen mythology, and biography.

Chapter 6. Recognition rejects the wish

Most of us often expect others to do what others want. Due to this, he leaves his life and starts living the life of others. Changing it is essential; you can only live your life with success and happiness. Therefore, you must deny your desire for recognition.

You are not living to meet the expectations of others, and others are not living to meet your expectations. We are all living our lives, so we must develop them.

If we talk about your relationships, everyone in the relationship has the freedom that those people can like or dislike each other or any other thing, habit. This is proof that you are free and living according to your principles.

As long as the decisions of others bind you, and you are afraid of being disliked by others, you can never live your life your way, and thus you will never be free. So make the decisions of your life for yourself, and in the end, you will become what you think.

Someone who doesn’t think well of you is their problem, not yours. It is not your job to change his mind. All you can do about the relationships in your life is choose the best path you trust. What else will people think of that? Go ahead without thinking about it? When someone doesn’t like you and tells you to act accordingly.

So it would help if you refused their talk as soon as possible. And don’t give any answer to their words. That’s the only thing you can do. Only when you are wrong, accept your mistakes and apologies; none of this is giving up. Instead, by doing this, you will move forward on a positive path with truth and kindness.

Make your own decisions and act on your expectations ; ultimately, you can achieve the results and happiness you want more quickly.

Chapter 7. Human Behaviour

Human Behaviour is affected by others. This is the reason why we work according to others. But you can control your behavior and use them accordingly. To use human behavior properly, you have to fulfill its two objectives:

Be self-dependent
Work in harmony with society

To bring these behaviors into your life, you have to develop an understanding in yourself that: you have abilities and people are your companions. I can achieve whatever I want in my life. It would help if you also concentrated on doing the critical work of your life. Adler has divided “life’s work” into three tasks you can face to achieve your objectives.

Work: All your work is related to professional life.
Friendship works work related to your friends and relatives.
Deeds of love: The deeds of having love for your loved ones.

If your friends or loved ones seem happy, celebrate that happiness well. This is the way of expressing love. Relationships in which people hold on to each other end up breaking down. So support your loved ones in their decisions and be happy for their success.

Adler never sees the work of life as good and evil. They say that life is not ethics or good and evil which we should discuss, but life is an issue of courage. That’s why it is very much needed for success. If someone does the right thing, he gets happiness. But if someone does wrong, he gets punished. We are taught to seek reward and punishment.

This leads us to the wrong lifestyle in which people think that if no one is going to brag about them, their work is useless. And this idea of reward and punishment suggests that if someone does the right thing, he will be praised. Due to this, people also think that if I do not do the right thing and no one will punish me, then I will also do the wrong thing.

Instead of thinking like this, you should do those things which will give you good results. You may be successful with lousy work, but you can never be happy, so you should do good things to achieve happiness and success. Of course, whether there is someone to watch or not, you are living your own life, and it should be your responsibility to improve it.

Chapter 8. How to do separate tasks

To care about others is to use the correct human behavior, so don’t act without caring about others. To understand this, it is essential to understand the idea of Adlerian psychology called “Separation of work”. We have to ask, “Whose job is this?” There is a need to think from this point of view. And to constantly separate your work from the work of others.

Do not interfere with each other’s work. Generally, all relationship problems are caused by people interfering in the creation of others or interfering in their work. It’s an easy way to tell whose job it is—thinking about who is going to get the results of the work that has been chosen. And then the one who is about to achieve must work together.

Adlerian psychology does not recommend an intrusive point of view. Non-interference is the attitude of not knowing, and it doesn’t interest you to understand what someone else is doing. Instead, you help them by knowing what the other person is doing.

This means that instead of interfering in his work, you help him, and all the decisions to make are of the same power. The act of trusting is also a “separation of work”. In which you trust your partner, and that is your job. But how that force works for your expectations and trust is their job.

Interfering with other people’s work and making other people’s work your own can make your life heavy and full of trouble. If you’re living a life of worry and pain made up of your relationships, you need to know your limits: “From here on out, it’s not my job to say.”

And stop doing other people’s work. It is the first step toward lightening the burden and making life easier. Remember, the three functions of life are work, friendship, and love. Doing work for these and moving forward in your life. With this, you can easily find happiness and success in your life.

Chapter 9. Real Freedom

For humans, it is an entirely natural desire to face the desire not to be disliked by others. Modern philosophers have called this desire “inclination” like a stone without life. Once it starts rolling downwards, it keeps rolling because of the laws of gravity. But we are not stones. Resist that we can stop ourselves from falling and climbing up.

The desire for recognition is natural. So do you keep rolling down to get credit from others? Can you sink like a rolling stone until all is well? No, then why do you get so sad when others dislike you? When you start adopting yourself differently and with your merit, you achieve your life’s absolute freedom.

Other people dislike freedom. It is that you are living according to your principles. Creating yourself so no one dislikes you is one of the most accessible ways to live, but it is also impossible. When a person wants to use his freedom, he has to pay the price.

And the price of space in an interpersonal relationship is that one person is liked and disliked by others. Therefore, if you want to adopt absolute freedom in your life, you have to assume dislike, and only you will be able to work according to yourself. And find your true happiness.

Chapter 10. Self-affirmation, Trust in others, Contribution to others

When switching your well-being to concern for others (the good of society) and gaining a sense of community. Right now, you need three things that help you: “self-affirmation”, “trust in others”, and “contribution to others.”

Self-affirmation: It is related to giving suggestions to yourself, in which you make yourself feel for your good. Like “I can do this” or “I am strong”. It is a belief that can bring excellence and a way of living in which one speaks to himself as he wishes. To put it simply, let’s say you scored 60% on the exam; tell yourself, I just got unlucky this time, as the actual score is 100%. So this is called self-affirmation.

Conversely, if one accepts himself as 60% and thinks to himself, how should one get closer to 100%? So this is called self-affirmation. This means the situation assumes everything about one, and you will become what you believe, so do the same things to yourself as the results you want. That is the essence of self-affirmation.

Trust in others: Trust comes without any made-up conditions. Even if one does not have enough grounds to trust someone, he still counts, just like the things we trust without bothering ourselves – unconditionally about things of security.

This is our Self-confidence . If someone can accept themselves as they are and figure out what others can and can’t do, they can also understand how to trust and work with others. Having trust in others means seeing others as a partner. By which one can find a sense of belonging and are convinced that “it is okay to be with you”.

Contribution to others: The most easily understood contribution to others is work. It is through work that one can help others. Contributes to the cause and results for your community.

By using these three, you can work for the betterment of the world or society and attain self-peace, making you feel innumerable happiness.

Chapter 11. The Courage Of Being Modest

We all want to be exceptional in our lives, but have you ever thought about why it is essential to be unique? Answer: This happens because one does not want to consider himself mediocre or average.

And for this reason, when a person finds it very difficult to become very good, they make all efforts to become exceptional by becoming very bad. But is being modest such a bad thing? Is this something less? Isn’t everyone mediocre?

But, if you choose the first important step of self-affirmation. So you can keep the courage to be modest, which will change how you see the world. One does not need to show his superiority without need. You can become great even by looking modest; you should keep working to improve your community.

Everyone can show the courage to be unique, but in reality, notable is the one who, despite being unique, can show everyone the courage to be a minor.

Our life is a chain of moments that is neither present in the past nor the future. It is in the present, so live in the here and now. Enjoy your today without worrying about the past or the future. Life is always easy; there is nothing in life that you need to be very serious about. If you live honestly every moment, you do not need to be too serious.

Just remember that your life is yours – so the decisions to improve this life should be yours too. When you adopt this point of view, your life can always be full of happiness. And you start living your life with success, joy, and peace. So from today itself, make this new point of view a part of your life and get ready to live better today and tomorrow.

With this book’s help, we learned about changing our life into a life full of happiness. Learn how to live with dignity and joy despite being disliked by people.

Remember that life is not as difficult as it seems; you must change your attitude and make the decisions to improve your life with courage. When you develop a new attitude of courage, living a life full of happiness becomes easy enough. And you can bring a change full of happiness in your life.

The Courage To Be Disliked Book Review

“The Courage to Be Disliked” is a transformative book that explores the teachings of Adlerian psychology through a compelling dialogue between a philosopher and a youth.

Written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, it challenges readers to embrace their true selves, letting go of the need for approval and societal validation. The book empowers individuals to take responsibility for their choices, cultivate meaningful relationships, and find happiness within.

Through its engaging narrative and profound insights, “The Courage to Be Disliked” encourages readers to break free from the shackles of past traumas and live authentically, fostering personal growth and self-acceptance. A must-read for anyone seeking fulfillment and liberation.

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Book Review

The courage to be disliked by ichiro kishimi and fumitake koga.

by SB Sarah · Oct 30, 2021 at 4:00 am · View all 13 comments

The Courage to Be Disliked

by Ichiro Kishimi

May 8, 2018 · Atria Books

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Genre: Nonfiction

This is a very odd book that I have read one or two chapters at a time, and then told people about, usually starting with, “Can I tell you about this weird-ass book I’m reading that I can’t stop thinking about?”

The format follows a dialogue between a student and a philosopher, a follower of the Adlerian theory of psychology . While the subtitle reads, “The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness,” the phenomenon itself isn’t Japanese. Alfred Adler was a German contemporary of Freud. So that was a little weird.

Usually the chapters begin with a discussion of a concept, then the student gets all pissed off and comes back in the next chapter to challenge the concept before moving on. I would find this style of writing irritating except that sometimes, the student’s “WTF” reaction echoed some of my own, so I kept going. The dialogue can be a little stilted and strange, but skimming ahead when it got awkward helped a lot.

I’ve highlighted and re-read several sections because there’s a solid thread of, “Wait, what? ” in my reactions. The parts I find most interesting include the idea that all problems stem from interpersonal problems (i.e. our relationships with other people) and that true freedom is found in having the courage to be disliked. In other words, if a person dislikes me because I am making choices for myself that are in alignment with my own personal goals, that dislike does not matter and I don’t need to be concerned with it. Any other person’s dislike of me or of my choices isn’t my problem; that is their task to deal with, and not my own. (The concept of tasks, and invading someone else’s tasks and responsibilities, is a big theme, too.)

The specifics of those choices, however, aren’t really addressed, and the lack of practical examples can lean the book towards a more esoteric series of platitudes, the type you’d find in an Instagram post atop a fuzzy-focused photo of a pier with some flip flops. And there’s room for me to question the idea of disregarding all opinions about my actions. For example, if someone dislikes me because I’m behaving like a raging bigot, I do need to take that dislike into account, and take responsibility for that behavior as it’s harmful to others, especially if a personal goal for my life is to not be a raging bigot.

That said, there are so many highlights in my copy. The conundrum of most human problems is that, if I’m reading correctly, we’d have no problems if we didn’t interact with other people, but we cannot live in complete isolation. There’s a lot of discussion on inferiority, the futility of living to satisfy the expectations of other people, and the uselessness of comparing oneself to others:

All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you believe in. [And] what kind of judgment do other people pass on that choice? That is the task of other people, and is not a matter you can do anything about.

Removing judgment between two people means that interpersonal relationships then become horizontal – made of a community of equals – instead of vertical (in which there is a hierarchy) once an individual has learned to like themself as they are. The concept of “horizontal relationships” (joke here you may insert, plus joke about insertion as well, if you like) was something my brain has chewed on for days now, especially as it pertains to adults and their relationships with their parents.

There are some hurdles to this book that I want to warn about. The philosopher struggled, I think, when trying to explain the difference between etiology, the study of causation, and teleology, which is the study of a purpose of a particular choice, not the cause. Teleology is goal-focused, as the philosopher explains:

“We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

While I like the idea of looking forward rather than back, often the dialogue and examples seemed to blame victims for their own circumstances. Early on, the philosopher makes the assertion that trauma isn’t real (which I heartily disagree with and think is irresponsible and cruel as a chapter heading, especially in a book that talks so much about validating the individual). There’s an example of an agoraphobic person that was explained very poorly, and in a way that I found thoughtless and unkind. Moreover, some of the described solutions or realignments of thinking are not so simple when the cause of a problem is, for example, massive, structural, and entirely outside of one’s control.

I have been hesitant to review this book in part because I’m not sure what to say beyond, “This was a really weird reading experience for me, but it’s interesting, and despite some flaws may be of interest,” and in part because I’m not entirely sure I have understood all of it. In some respects, it’s about setting boundaries and identifying what is and is not my task. It’s also about identifying communities of people whose goals align with my own, and setting aside my own feelings of inferiority in order to foster more equitable and supportive relationships.

The part where I most stumble with this text, aside from my great dislike of the victim blaming sections, is the reality of interpersonal interactions. What other people think of me is, according to this book, “not my task,” but in reality, sometimes I do need to manage and consider the expectations and feelings of other people about my choices. The practical application of some of the concepts inside this book remain somewhat tenuous for me. That said, I am still thinking about this book, questioning what I learned, and examining how much of it can reframe how I see the world.

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The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi

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Interesting. I’ve been conscious for a few years of the difference in how I feel about myself in isolation (fine) versus when I have to “perform” for others (stressed, anxious, depressed, doomed to fail). I obviously prefer one to the other and sometimes have the luxury of choosing an option that prioritizes my wellbeing rather than pleasing others, but it’s not feasible in every situation because there is always a cost. To the surprise of no one, the consequences of “being true to yourself” diminish with each level of privilege. Every choice that doesn’t align with what others want from you cuts off support (emotional, physical, financial, etc.), and one has to be pretty well-situated to weather whatever loss accompanies every instance of saying “I don’t need approval.”

If I could financially afford to opt out of interpersonal interactions, the only people who’d ever see me would be the crack-of-dawn clerk a the grocery store and the guy who schleps out to my Baba Yaga house to repair the solar panels. Alas, you need somebody’s approval to acquire become-a-cryptid money, be it one rich uncle or a million patrons, so managing others’ opinions (to the extent possible) is actually a task most of us are burdened with.

Besides, we already live in a world where an ultra-privileged class does whatever they want with no regard for anyone else, so we have plenty of examples, presently and historically, that this is Not Good, Actually. If “liberate yourself from others’ expectations” doesn’t extend to “others are liberated from your expectations,” you just want to redraw the master-serf line so you’re on the side that takes and never gives.

Not the place for a whole screed about balance, but… BALANCE!

I’m getting weird Ayn Randian vibes from this. It’s one thing to free yourself from the social pressures that come with wanting to please others for no good reason other than you want people to like you, it’s quite another to basically do whatever you want with no thought to how that is going to play out on an individual or social level. Although the book seems to claim it helps the reader achieve the former, it comes across as the latter to me.

Clearly, an old privileged man wrote this book. The comments above said it better than I possibly could.

My brain went to that classic of the internet, a Vine video of a little girl saying “I don’t care if you don’t like me, I LOVE me.” I’d say many of us less privileged aspire to that attitude but can’t really afford it.

And the final random association brought to you by my fuzzy brain this morning – “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. – Lao Tzu” So, love (and presumably relationships) give one the strength and courage to be disliked and escape the problems caused by interpersonal relationships. Hmmm. Guess it might be fun to watch the old Chinese dude argue this out with the old German dude (Adler) via their modern day Japanese disciples.

Definitely a priviledged man that wrote this, many women do so much of the emotional work of families that at the moment they don’t have the luxury of saying “I don’t care what you think, I am happy with my decision” about much that is significant.

I agree with all the observations above about the absolutist nature of the examples described (and of a lot of philosophy in general) as well as the thought that this perspective can certainly come from a place of privilege.

However, it also reminds me of a quote I heard Laverne Cox say, which I draw strength from regularly: “Everyone else’s opinion of me is none of my business.”

To channel a classic quote – “In boundaries there is strength”

This made me think of a phrasing I have found useful several times: What you think of me is none of my business.

It’s helped me in removing myself from judgement people have about me, and the actions I take. It’s helped me be OK with having my own opinion and feelings about a thing which at times might be different from what society in general or family members or friends think-feel.

I also agree with Sarah that this is not a one size fits all situations guideline. For instance, I trust my husband to call out on my BS. In that case, what he thinks of me is actually very helpful. However, it is a very useful adage generally. It is very helpful in not getting all balled up about general societal judgement and should-s and should-nots.

And, to add just a bit to the above excellent comments, sometimes it *must* be your business to be aware of dislike, and hate, from a pure safety perspective. While I am cis and cannot speak from the lived experience of a trans person, I do know that it is deeply unsafe to move through the world without paying attention to how others perceive someone who is a trans bodied person. It very much does matter what other people think because they may act violently on their opinions.

OTOH not allowing the opinions to stop one from perusing their goals and finding fulfillment is also a valuable insight.

Philosophy is very much a discipline that is informed by the people who have been able to both access the education and to voice their theories In a way that is heard and received. In Bio Ethics/Medical Ethics there is a push to be more inclusive because there are vital issues that need to be addressed, and we need to have these discussions and need to include people who have different lived experience and insight than, say, Kant. I used to think philosophy was dry and unnecessary before my midlife career path change (still a student, which has been a super effing weird experience in my mid forties in the middle of a global pandemic). Now bioethics has been added to one of the many things I’m interested in and kind of keep up with, because holy crap are things messed up…

@Penny, Let me echo your comments about the great discussion. I did want to respond to your observation about the potential dangers of ignoring the responses of others. You are absolutely right that an awareness of others’ reactions can be critical to safely moving through the world, and even outside of the safety question, it is essential for building and maintaining community and growing our relationships with others.

I am a person with trans experience, and I see Laverne Cox’s comment and the similar sentiment posted by @Juhi not as a warning against being aware of, or even against responding and reacting to others’ perceptions, perspectives, dislikes, or even hate. Instead, I use it as a reminder not to internalize their response. Their reaction is about them. I may have to deal with it, but it’s not mine.

And if I chose to respond, I respond on my own terms, not on theirs. This is something I have been working on as I’ve tried to get better at navigating conflict in intimate relationships – staying on “my side of the fence.”

Also, I want to take a minute to thank Sarah and the rest of the community for building a space where we can have these kinds of discussions. I’ve shared that sentiment with Sarah privately, but I want to repeat it here for the whole Smart Bitches community. Thank you all for being who you are!

– Rachel

There are many times when you have to give up your autonomy. I think that in a perfect world, it shouldn’t matter, but I want my doctor, my nurse, my dentist, even my hairdresser to like me. In the real world, people who like you will go the extra mile instead of giving the minimum their job requires. For example, at an airport, I was waiting for a long delayed connecting flight. I was in line to ask a question at the counter. The man ahead was belligerent. He got the information he needed. I was polite and friendly. I got the information I needed plus several coupons for meals and other amenities and some friendly conversation.

And as an aside, I think it makes a big difference in life if your children like you.

Life is full of compromises.

I’m probably being too literal, but the whole philosphy kinda falls down for me, because I can totally break my leg without having any interaction with other people. And then I have a very real problem.

(I mean, maybe this is addressed in the book, but I spent half this review coming up with problems that could occur independently of ‘other people’ and then having to reread things because I missed the whole paragraph while I was being like ‘Drought! Flood! A wolf eats your face!’)

I’m sure there’s still worthwhile stuff in there – for someone else; if I tried to read it, I would definitely just end up yelling at the book a lot, and I suspect it would be too frustrating to make anything else I got out of the experience really worth it. Honestly, this review was super helpful and just what I needed for exactly that reason.

(Chronic pain! Overslept and missed my bus! Dropped my perfectly dressed corncob on a dirty floor! Seriously, there are SO MANY other kinds of problems.)

On fairly shallow opinion matters between equals? Sure, you can make this concept work. Even small power imbalances or more complicated matters? Not always that simple anymore. And I agree with everyone saying that trying to apply this idea broadly across all parts of life is highly unlikely to get rid of all your social problems, let alone many other problems.

It is important and healthy to recognize that your thoughts & emotions are yours, and another person’s are theirs, and it’s often OK for those to be in conflict, although we are socialized to avoid that happening. Many of us, especially those who have historically had less power, and super especially those who fall into multiple categories of less powerful, have been taught early and often to at least pretend to change our opinion to avoid conflict with anyone who holds more social power than us.

But if someone thinks your favorite movie made for the most miserable viewing experience they’ve had? That’s OK, they’re allowed that, it’s a place where you have stopped, and they have begun, and you can choose to not mind that they feel that way as long as they can not mind that you liked it. If they look at your career and say “Wow, I would never have chosen to do that.” that’s OK too. They don’t have to want the things you want. They also should not be telling you that you can’t want those things.

I have met people who could not separate out “what you feel about a small thing I like” from “what you feel about me”. One of the more important lessons in my life has been that if someone doesn’t have those boundaries, they probably have difficulties with many other boundaries as well.

Having a 2-way street is very important here, and is often where this sort of philosophy goes wrong in the real world, because of situations where one person has the power to say “I don’t care” but the other person does not.

It sounds like the book has provided an opportunity to think and talk about these ideas though, and the resulting posts here have been interesting! So thanks for sharing about the “weird-ass book I’m reading that I can’t stop thinking about?”! 😀

@Malaraa Having dealt with a fair number–enough, really–people who feel the need to immediately sneer at what I love, not just say “it’s not for me”, I personally do get jumpy at someone trashing what I enjoy. Certainly it’s partly because I know *some* people do judge you by what you like (if you get all your self worth by judging others, what media they enjoy is easy low hanging fruit) or feel the need to make *their* complaints about what you love *your* business. (Saying I enjoyed a movie and then having one or more people trot out their every dull whinge like it’s my responsibility to answer for the film, like that conversation is going to be fun for me… Ugh.) Certainly it’s also partly my insecurities, my own defective brain. But if I’m not going to look after my own mental health by not engaging with people who care more about their own complaining than being considerate, who will? They’re not going to be there for the after effects of the situation, so I don’t owe them my very limited energy. I know I have to set boundaries about that, but that doesn’t make me disrespectful even if they’ve decided it’s their god-given to moan about whatever, any time.

And I’ve also been on the flip side: politely said, when asked, that despite having tried a certain super popular author multiple times, he’s not for me and left it at that…and cue the person (who again, ASKED) basically having a mini freakout in shock & dismay(!) But that’s her fault for presuming, and I know I acted in a way that’s consistent with my values and how I want to be treated. I would definitely tell her to back off, if she should keep harping on it…maybe that’s what you mean, idk.

Anyway, I generally agree with the comments here. IMO there’s a lot of good to be found in not making your own sense of self worth dependent on whether other people like you and everything you like or do, but wanting to be true to yourself, do your best at whatever you’re passionate about or whatever you happen to be doing at the moment, consider feedback without the negative being the end of the world or the positive being your life’s blood, wanting to be kind to others and form good connections, be true to your word and your beliefs…none of that HAS to come from some desperate, flimsy-boundary need for everyone everywhere to please like you and everything you do, anyway. That actually hinders all the good stuff.

(tldr I’m not reading this book–if nothing else, victim blaming is a big NOPE for me. I keep seeing it pop up lately, subtly and overtly, even outside the screeds of obvious trolls and abusers. I’m creeped out, tbh.)

I’m with @D3. As I read this interesting review I began thinking of Ayn Rand’s The Virtue of Selfishness. And also with @Riley because good f*ing luck living a life without having interaction with other people.

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Mar 22, 2022

Book review: the courage to be disliked by ichiro kishimi and fumitake koga.

I first came across this book in one of Ankur Warikoo's book recommendation videos on Youtube. The title piqued my curiosity and I ordered this book a few weeks back. Over the last weekend, I was engrossed in this brilliant writing, that dispels many of our commonly held notions and beliefs about life.

" The courage to be disliked " has a narrative style, similar to that of Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie. It is written in a dialogue format, between a young man and a philosopher, who engage in a conversation for five nights. This provides a perfect foundation to anticipate and answer questions that would run in a reader's mind. I could resonate with the young man's questions at multiple points throughout the book.

Statements like "People fabricate anger", "Desire for recognition makes you unfree", "Do not rebuke or praise" etc seem unbelievable at first sight, but as the philosopher slowly explains and answers the young man's follow-up questions, the reader gains a lot of clarity on how these make a lot of sense. Some of the lessons from this book are applicable across multiple aspects of our life - work/career, parenting, goal setting, relationships, community, etc.

I felt mind-blown with some of the examples and the following lessons. For eg,

how we give meaning to our experiences and use our past to our advantage
the role of horizontal relationships (we are equal, but not same)
how praising someone puts us on a pedestal, thereby enforcing a vertical relationship
how our desire for recognition robs us of our freedom
the importance of separating one's tasks

The principles outlined in this book are based on Adlerian psychology, put forth by Alfred Adler. It opened my eyes to a new line of thinking. Felt like a new room door has been opened in my mind🙂

As always, a few favorite quotes from the book!

We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.

All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. If one really has confidence in oneself, then one doesn't feel the need to boast.

Wishing so hard to be recognised will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be "this kind of person".

All interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people's tasks or having one's own tasks intruded on.

Freedom is being disliked by other people.

In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being "the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability".

If one is shining a bright spotlight on here and now, one cannot see the past or the future anymore.

Adding this to my favorite list of books. If you love self-help, philosophy, or psychology, I highly recommend this one.

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The Courage to be Disliked (Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi) – Book Discussion

In this episode, we summarise "The Courage to be Disliked" by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi.

In this episode, we summarise “The Courage to be Disliked” by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. It’s one of the very few books that Taimur’s actually read, and the concepts it presents are provocative and go against a lot of the dominant narratives of the current cultural milieu.

The book provides an accessible overview of the psychology concepts of Alfred Adler – a psychologist from the 19th century. The two authors wanted to make ‘Adlerian’ psychology more accessible and is written as a dialogue through a conversation between a youth and a philosopher. There is a plethora of enlightening points but here are a few that we discussed in the podcast:

There is no such thing as trauma. This is quite a controversial point but in Adlerian philosophy there is no such thing as trauma – cause and effect relationships about past life events don’t exist. In Adler’s words, ‘no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure, we do not suffer from the shock of our experience but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences but the meaning we give them is self-determining’. In essence, the self is determined not by our experiences but by the meaning that we give them. This philosophy sits in stark contrast to some of the contemporary discussion around issues of trauma but the point that is being made is that we have agency in how we react to events in our lives including trauma.

Our emotions don’t happen as a result of things, we have emotions in order to serve our own goals. Emotions are manufactured because we choose to experience those emotions. Once again, this framing is opposite to that which we hear more generally. On a recent Invisibilia podcast, there was a discussion around recent research that suggested that there are only 4 internal emotions that we’re born with – pleasant, unpleasant, arousal and calmness – and other emotions and reactions are based on societal learning. Certain societies that don’t have words for these particular emotions don’t experience this emotion because they haven’t got the concept of it. It’s a very liberating thought – all of the positive/negative emotions that we feel in our lives are a result of societal conditioning and the story that we’re telling ourselves in order to manufacture that emotion of anger, loyalty or sadness. Hence if we want to change that, we can; it’s not hardwired into our brain.

Unhappiness is something that we choose for ourselves. When we’re unhappy we want our circumstances to be different to what they actually are. We are using our circumstances as a justification for our unhappiness.

“At some stage in your life you chose to be unhappy, it’s not because you were born into unhappy circumstances or ended up in an unhappy situation, it’s that you judged the state of being unhappy to be good for you”.

One of the points made in the self-help realm about negative emotions is to think about how someone else in that situation would feel given the exact same circumstances. If they would react in a different way, that shows that it’s not really the circumstances themselves that are making you unhappy – it’s how you’re choosing to react to them.

All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Everything will eventually come down to a relationship issue. The invasion of tasks is the idea that we each have our own tasks and problems arise when people intrude on each other’s tasks. There is some nuance to this concept but every interpersonal relationship problem comes from either someone else intruding on a task that is ours or from us intruding on someone else’s task.

“All you can do with regard to your own life is to choose the best path that you believe in, on the other hand what kind of judgement to people pass on that choice that is the task of other people and it’s not a matter you can do anything about”.

“Remember the words of the grandmother – you’re the only one who’s worried about how you look – her remark drives right to the heart of the separation of tasks – what other people think when they see your face, that is the task of other people and is not something you have any control over”.

Viewing other people as your comrades . This is not a political point but is examining the idea that society has constructed a competitive mindset within people but acknowledging and embracing a sense of camaraderie with other people opens up a whole new way of living.

“It does not matter if one is trying to walk in front of others or walk behind them it is as if we are moving through a flat space that has no vertical axis. We do not walk in order to compete with someone – it is in trying to progress past who one is now that there is value”.

“When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way”.

Happiness is a feeling of contribution to something. Happiness is a nebulous concept and has been defined in various ways but if you feel that you are useful to something or someone else, then you are happy and the pursuit of that feeling of contribution is the pursuit of happiness.

Ultimately, the reasons that the book is called the Courage to be Disliked and the point that the authors are making is that, in order to be free, you need to have the courage to be disliked.

“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked – when you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change int things of lightness”.

The Courage To Be Disliked

Invisibilia: “Emotion” — the podcast about emotions that Ali mentions

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Book reviews, you can get rid of anger right now, it’s making the switch from attachment to self (self-interest) to concern for others (social interest) and gaining a sense of community feeling. three things are needed at this point: “self-acceptance,” “confidence in others,” and “contribution to others.”, subjects: psychology.

This book The Courage to be Disliked is a rare combination of self help and psychology book. It is written in a conversation format. As the authors say “ The youths engaged in dialogues with Socrates never agree with what he says at the outset. They refute his statements thoroughly. This book is continuing in the tradition of philosophy since Socrates, and that is why it follows the format of a dialogue between a philosopher and a youth.” Also as “Socrates’s thought was conveyed by Plato. Kishimi (author) would like to be a Plato for Adler,”

Some of the interesting ideas presented in the book are:

Emotions according to Goals

If you have anxiety and fear of going out. Then according to teleology, because you had the goal of not going out beforehand, you are manufacturing a state of anxiety and fear as a means to achieve that goal. According to Adler, “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.” In another example, in order to fulfil the goal of shouting, you create an emotion of anger. In a word, anger is a tool that can be taken out as needed.

Inference: It means you can get rid of anger, or anxiety or any other emotion, right now if you want to.

When did you decide to be unhappy

“At some stage in your life, you chose “being unhappy.” It is not because you were born into unhappy circumstances or ended up in an unhappy situation. It’s that you judged “being unhappy” to be good for you. How do you justify this? Why did you choose to be unhappy? I have no way of knowing the specific answer or details. Perhaps it will become clearer as we debate this.”

You choose to be happy or unhappy. You think unhappy is the most convenient way in this situation. You are trained to be unhappy according to a situation. If you choose a new lifestyle, no one can predict what might happen to the new self, or have any idea how to deal with events as they arise. It will be hard to see ahead to the future, and life will be filled with anxiety. A more painful and unhappy life might lie ahead. Simply put, people have various complaints about things, but it’s easier and more secure to be just the way one is.

“I have a young friend who dreams of becoming a novelist, but he never seems to be able to complete his work. According to him, his job keeps him too busy, and he can never find enough time to write novels, and that’s why he can’t complete work and enter it for writing awards. But is that the real reason? No! It’s actually that he wants to leave the possibility of “I can do it if I try” open, by not committing to anything. He doesn’t want to expose his work to criticism, and he certainly doesn’t want to face the reality that he might produce an inferior piece of writing and face rejection. He wants to live inside that realm of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it if he only had the time, or that he could write if he just had the proper environment, and that he really does have the talent for it. In another five or ten years, he will probably start using other excuses like “I’m not young anymore” or “I’ve got a family to think about now.”

All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.

If all interpersonal relationships were gone from this world, which is to say if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.

Pursuit of Superiority

When we refer to the pursuit of superiority, there’s a tendency to think of it as the desire to try to be superior to other people. Adler says that on the same level playing field, there are people who are moving forward, and there are people who are moving forward behind them. Though the distance covered and the speed of walking differ, everyone is walking equally in the same flat place. The pursuit of superiority is the mind-set of taking a single step forward on one’s own feet, not the mind-set of competition of the sort that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people.

So one of the implications is that when you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction. That is the only thing we can do. Again coming to anger, you don’t need to rely on the tool of anger. Irascible people do not have short tempers—it is only that they do not know that there are effective communication tools other than anger.

At some point the reader might relate to the youth in the book:

“Youth: Maybe what you are saying is right. Actually, I’m sure it is, and courage really is what I am lacking. I can accept the life-lie as well. I am scared of interacting with people. I don’t want to get hurt in interpersonal relationships, and I want to put off my life tasks. That’s why I have all these excuses ready. Yes, it’s exactly as you say. But isn’t what you are talking about a kind of spiritualism? All you’re really saying is, “You’ve lost your courage, you’ve got to pluck up your courage.” It’s no different from the silly instructor who thinks he’s giving you advice when he comes up and slaps you on the shoulder and says, “Cheer up.” Even though the reason I’m not doing well is because I can’t just cheer up!”

The conversation goes on till the philosopher clears all doubts of the youth or the reader. You would eventually begin to think you are the youth and these are your doubts

“YOUTH: So you are saying that the reason I am not happy is that I don’t have a feeling of contribution? PHILOSOPHER: That is correct.”

Separation of Tasks

Remember the words of the grandmother: “You’re the only one who’s worried how you look.” Her remark drives right to the heart of the separation of tasks. What other people think when they see your face—that is the task of other people and is not something you have any control over.

Live in the Moment

The Book ends with the message that the greatest life-lie of all is to not live here and now. It is to look at the past and the future, cast a dim light on one’s entire life, and believe that one has been able to see something. Until now, you have turned away from the here and now and shone a light only on invented pasts and futures. You have told a great lie to your life, to these irreplaceable moments.

This message Here and Now is there in lot of self help/spirituality books, probably most difficult to implement.

Complement this with authors another book ‘ The Courage to be Happy’

Book Review: Deep Work by Cal Newport

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The Courage to Be Disliked

The japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness.

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Product Details

Publisher: Atria Books (May 8, 2018)
Length: 288 pages
ISBN13: 9781501197277

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"Marie Kondo, but for your brain."

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The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Chang…
The Japanese phenomenon that teaches us the simple yet profound lessons required to liberate our real selves and find lasting happiness. The Courage to Be Disliked shows you how to unlock the power within yourself to become your best and truest self, change your future and find lasting happiness. Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 19th-century psychology alongside ...
The Courage To Be Disliked
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is certainly… controversial. I kept seeing this book pop up as a recommendation by people like Ali Abdaal and Aperture, so I figured I'd give it a try. In this review, I will spell out why people will likely hate this book, what makes it so controversial, and why I absolutely ...
The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How
An international bestseller and TikTok sensation with more than 10 million copies sold worldwide, The Courage to Be Disliked is a transformative and practical guide to personal happiness and self-fulfillment. Now you can unlock your full potential and free yourself from the shackles of past traumas and societal expectations to find true personal happiness.
Book Review: The Courage To Be Disliked
Anyone who reads it will walk away with insights about themselves and the habits that hold them back. The Courage To Be Disliked also offers a re-packaged philosophy of Adlerian psychology, which ...
A Book Review of "The Courage to Be Disliked" An Introduction to
A Book Review of "The Courage to Be Disliked" An Introduction to Adlerian Psychology Through a Japanese Philosophical Lens Yes the cat does indeed have an Instagram. As one of the inspirations for this project, The Courage to be Disliked, is a book that had an impression on me last year. You must excuse the title, it in no way attempts to ...
Lynda's review of The Courage to Be Disliked
5/5: I enjoyed reading this book a lot and I am surprised I had not heard of Adler beforehand (whereas I've heard of Freud who I quite dislike, and now I understand why). The book is broken down into five sections: 1. Deny Trauma 2. All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems 3. Discard Other People's Tasks 4. Where the Center of the World Is 5. To Live in Earnest in the Here and ...
The Courage to be Disliked
The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga combines Greek philosophy with German psychology in a distinctly Japanese package. Don't let that put you off to it. The book uses the old Greek discussion format: a young man argues with an older philosopher about Alfred Adler's psychological ideas.
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi [Book Review]
Book Description: T he Courage to Be Disliked, already an enormous bestseller in Asia with more than 3.5 million copies sold, demonstrates how to unlock the power within yourself to be the person you truly want to be. Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 20th-century psychology, The Courage to Be Disliked follows an ...
BOOK REVIEW: The Courage to Be Disliked
Book title: The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness Book author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga Favorite part of the book: What I really loved about this book is that I was introduced to an additional founder of psychology that I had never heard of before: Adler.
Review: The popular self-help book The Courage To Be Disliked is a bit
What needles about The Courage to be Disliked is not that it offers mostly welcome (if largely banal) bits of wisdom, but a totalizing worldview. To be happy, the book posits, one must be an Adlerian.
Book Review: The Courage To Be Disliked
As the curtains draw on our exploration, "The Courage To Be Disliked" isn't just a book review; it's an invitation to embark on a transformative journey. It's not a one-time read but a companion in your quest for fearless living. So, dear readers, let this be more than just a post.
Having the courage to be disliked is the key to happiness, says ...
The book's premise is centered around Adlerian theory, a decades-old psychology coined by Alfred Alder, ... Having the courage to be disliked is the key to happiness, ...
The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How
"Marie Kondo, but for your brain." — HelloGiggles "Compelling from front to back. Highly recommend." —Marc Andreessen Reading this book could change your life. The Courage to Be Disliked, already an enormous bestseller in Asia with more than 3.5 million copies sold, demonstrates how to unlock the power within yourself to be the person you truly want to be.
The Courage To Be Disliked: happiness at hand
Updated: 7 October 2023. Book reviews. Tip jar . In The Courage to be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga argue that the good life is closer than you think. The Courage To Be Disliked attempts to answer why so many of us feel unhappy or suffer trauma in life. To do this, it flips some of the ways you may be used to thinking about life.
The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi Summary
The Courage to be Disliked has sold over 3.5 million copies, and Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga have become household names in Asia. The book explains how we can apply Adlerian philosophies to contemporary life, in a bid to play a more active role in our lives, and exercise a greater sense of control. Up until fairly recently, we've avoided ...
The Courage to Be Disliked
An international bestseller and TikTok sensation with more than 10 million copies sold worldwide, The Courage to Be Disliked is a transformative and practical guide to personal happiness and self-fulfillment. Now you can unlock your full potential and free yourself from the shackles of past traumas and societal expectations to find true personal happiness.
The Courage to Be Disliked Summary
The Courage to Be Disliked Review. What an empowering, rational, thoughtfully crafted book. The Courage To Be Disliked comes in the calm, cool-headed style you would expect from Eastern philosophers. By shining a light on Adler's work, it fills a gap in our current pop psychology conversation. It provides a useful, level-headed approach to ...
Book Summary Review: The Courage to be Disliked
The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness is a self-help/philosophy book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Published in 2013, the book encourages people to stop worrying about how others think about them, but to embrace and liberate themselves. Taking the readers through the 19 th -century ...
John's review of The Courage to Be Disliked
2/5: This is honestly a torturous book of maxims that don't really offer anything but quips about changing our perspective. In some ways it wors, but its pretentious mode of explanation is just not a well-done presentation. There is some good learning about Adlerian psych, but almost from a complete behavior perspective and I think Adler would disagree with missing information and much of the ...
The Courage To Be Disliked: Book Summary and Review
The Courage To Be Disliked Book Review "The Courage to Be Disliked" is a transformative book that explores the teachings of Adlerian psychology through a compelling dialogue between a philosopher and a youth. Written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, it challenges readers to embrace their true selves, letting go of the need for approval ...
The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
The parts I find most interesting include the idea that all problems stem from interpersonal problems (i.e. our relationships with other people) and that true freedom is found in having the courage to be disliked. In other words, if a person dislikes me because I am making choices for myself that are in alignment with my own personal goals ...
Book Review: The Courage to be disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake
Book Review: The Courage to be disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. I first came across this book in one of Ankur Warikoo's book recommendation videos on Youtube. The title piqued my curiosity and I ordered this book a few weeks back. Over the last weekend, I was engrossed in this brilliant writing, that dispels many of our commonly ...
Amazon.com: Customer reviews: The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese
Hello! My name is Monica, and I am a people pleaser. When I saw The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga I knew I needed to read it. The courage to be disliked is something I need in my life! The cover of the book is simple, yet elegant. Peaceful. I like the colors and the image. It's definitely inviting.
The Courage to be Disliked (Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi)
In this episode, we summarise "The Courage to be Disliked" by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. It's one of the very few books that Taimur's actually read, and the concepts it presents are provocative and go against a lot of the dominant narratives of the current cultural milieu. The book provides an accessible overview of the ...
Book Review: The Courage to be Disliked
This book The Courage to be Disliked is a rare combination of self help and psychology book. It is written in a conversation format. As the authors say " The youths engaged in dialogues with Socrates never agree with what he says at the outset. They refute his statements thoroughly. This book is continuing in the tradition of philosophy since ...
The Courage to Be Disliked
An international bestseller and TikTok sensation with more than 10 million copies sold worldwide, The Courage to Be Disliked is a transformative and practical guide to personal happiness and self-fulfillment. Now you can unlock your full potential and free yourself from the shackles of past traumas and societal expectations to find true personal happiness.
Netflix blockbuster '3 Body Problem' divides opinion and sparks
Many compared it to a Chinese television adaptation released last year — a much lengthier and closer retelling of the book that ran to 30 episodes and was highly rated on Chinese review platforms.

The Courage to Be Disliked – A Controversial Book Review

The Courage to Be Disliked Book Summary

The Courage to be Disliked & Trauma

Why The Courage to Be Disliked is so controversial

What is the meaning of The Courage to Be Disliked?

Is The Courage to Be Disliked worth reading?

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The Courage to be Disliked – A Book Review

The past doesn’t matter on your present choices.

Contributing to others is key to happiness.

Self acceptance is the key to happiness.

The Negative Aspects of the Book

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The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi [Book Review]

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An Unconventional Style of Writing

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Does This Book Deliver On Its Promise?

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Review: The popular self-help book The Courage To Be Disliked is a bit of a Trojan horse

Interact with The Globe

2. Courage, Coffee, and Comfort Zones

3. A Symphony of Ideas

Unlocking the Toolbox of Adlerian Wisdom

1. Goal-Oriented Living: The North Star of Happiness

2. Taking the Driver’s Seat: The Fiction of Finalism

3. Courageous Conversations: Navigating the Sea of Relationships

Applying the Wisdom in Real Life: A Practical Playbook

1. Embrace Your Uniqueness

2. The Liberation of Letting Go

3. Conquering Conflict with Compassion

4. Your Life, Your Script

The Final Act: A Standing Ovation for Fearless Living

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The Courage to Be Disliked

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The Courage to Be Disliked Summary

Video Summary

Lesson 1: Your past does not determine your future.

Lesson 2: Hating yourself is usually a way of shutting out others, rather than actually warranted.

Lesson 3: A competitive mindset destroys your mental health.

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Book Summary Review: The Courage to be Disliked

The First Night: Deny Trauma

The Second Night: All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

The Third Night: Discard Other People’s Tasks

The Fourth Night: Where the Center of the World Is

The Fifth Night: To Live in Earnest in Here and Now

Key Lessons from the Book

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The Courage To Be Disliked

Introduction