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The 50 Best Jokes For Your Best Man Speech

As the best man, you’re tasked with giving the toast—maybe the most famous one of the evening. For the big speech, it’s important to have some jokes scattered throughout. The couple gets to be sentimental. Her father gets to be sad and nostalgic. You need to bring the funny like it’s showtime at the Apollo. That’s no easy task, either. Luckily, there are dozens of jokes that have already been written that you can plug your buddy’s name into and carry on. We compiled some of our favorites for you here. Good luck!

Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only kidding. We went over the speech 40 minutes ago in the hall.

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

We’ve reached the moment in the evening where we get to watch the groom figet and worry in anticipation. Yes, everyone, I’ve been asked by the staff to give him the bill.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologize for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple Jameson I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…

Before I begin my speech, there’s just one order of business I’ve been asked to take care of. *Hold up pair of trousers with padlock on them* These are Jack’s Chastity Pants. I know he’s given keys out to various ladies over the years, but since he is now a married man, he’d like to get those copies back, so Jill is the only one with access. *Wait for the keys you strategically handed out to wedding guests to be brought up*

My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets.

Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone – leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, kindly pass them up to the front.”

I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!

Sally is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Harry swooped in before she could find one.

I think the main reason we’ve lasted as friends all these years is because you’re geographically convenient…and you had a trampoline.

Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because you forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee.

It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

So I’m the best man, although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.

I can only say in my defense that Mike and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …”

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

I do have to say though how lucky you are Dave, you’re leaving with a beautiful wife whom you love. And you, Miranda, you get to go home with such a nice new dress and beautiful bouquet of flowers, it’s great.

Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.

Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife.

I spoke to both Sally and Paul before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee percolator!

Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

Before proposing, Paul went to ask Linda’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing Paul took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!

I recognize my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.

If you can’t hear me in the back, let the silence in the front assure you that you’re not really missing out on anything.

A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.

I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honor today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

I found the speech length really difficult to settle on. At one point, it ran to almost 70 minutes, so I cut it down to a five-minute speech but I just felt like too many important things were being left out. So I came to a compromise – I’m going to read the five-minute speech. Then straight afterwards, I’ll do 70-minute one and you guys can tell me which speech I should use.

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the top of his industry based solely on his intelligence, grit and willpower? A man whose charisma knows no bounds and who has already distinguished himself amongst his peers? Because I’m trying to write my Tinder profile and I’m having trouble summarizing myself.

When I sat down to write this speech I Googled “perfect best man speech”, but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn’t think it was worth it, so I’m gonna wing it.

I admit, I’m extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.”

I must admit, I’m not used to speaking in public. Until now I thought a toastmaster was a kitchen appliance.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honor but you don’t really want to do it!

I’ve been anxious about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes ago, I had to ask a complete stranger to burp me.

Dave was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted.”

Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.

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Your Inspiration

The Most Hilarious Best Mans Speech Jokes

Author: Hollie Bond

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Best Man Speech Opening Jokes

Jokes about the newlyweds, self-deprecating best man jokes, jokes to end the best man's speech.

Feeling the pressure to deliver a best man’s speech that will make every guest in the room laugh? Keep guests young and old entertained for the whole speech with these funny best man’s speech jokes.

It’s such an honour to be asked to be a best man and this VIP role comes with many fun and important tasks (if you’re not sure what they are check out our guide to being a brilliant best man here). One of the tasks many best men dread though is writing and delivering the best man speech on the wedding day. Unless you’re a natural public speaker or have spent time on stage, it can be a pretty daunting prospect, especially when you consider that the best man speech is traditionally known to be the funniest and most looked forward to of all the speeches.

The good news is, you’re not alone and thousands of other best men before you have sat and stared at a blank piece of paper for hours before finally getting the inspiration to write an awesome best man speech.

We’ve got a comprehensive guide on how to write a brilliant groom’s speech here to help you with the structure, format, and length. But, once you have the general gist and bare bones of the best man speech jotted down, it’s time to insert some funny jokes into each section, to keep all the guests chuckling with laughter from start to finish.

Remember you’re not expected to be a professional stand-up comedian, Michael McIntyre style, and a wedding is often an emotional day, so it’s absolutely fine to make jokes that are unique to the couple or situation and also to include a heartfelt sentiment or two in between all the gags. To help you on your way to going down in history as the best best man ever, we’ve rounded up some of the greatest tried-and-tested best man speech jokes and one-liners that’ll easily fit into most wedding speeches. Feel free to tailor them to fit the newlyweds you’re talking about. Good luck!

What shouldn’t the best man joke about?

When it comes to writing your best man speech, there are certain topics that are strictly off-limits. It’s important to spend time thinking about things that will come across badly or offend any guests and really consider every sentence carefully before it makes the final edit.

Mentioning the groom’s ex-girlfriends or a previous wife is a definite no-go, as is talking about the groom’s sex life in any way. So that means no mention of the impending wedding night too. Anecdotes about the groom can be best man speech gold, but you need to get to the punch line within a few sentences otherwise you’ll lose the audience and always make sure any anecdotes will amuse all types of guests.

The best man should always avoid joking about the bride too. Unless you’re really good mates with her and know her well enough to have a giggle with her, then it’s best to just say something heartfelt and lovely about her.

Jokes containing swear words should also be avoided. While the younger generation of guests might not flinch when you swear, older members of the audience could be extremely offended. Finally, it’s best to steer clear of making a joke about how long it took for the groom to propose if that was the case. Not only does it make the bride look like all she wanted was a ring on her finge, it also might be an area of contention between the couple so won’t come across as funny to them.

And remember, you’re not the next Al Murray or Michael McIntyre so you don’t need to pepper your speech with one-liners worthy of a stand-up routine. Only joke about things that are genuinely amusing and specific to the groom at the wedding you’re attending rather than anything too generic that you’ve found on the internet.

Starting the best man’s speech is the most difficult part. Once you’ve said a few words, shaken off those nerves, and realised the crowd isn’t full of people about to throw tomatoes at you, you’ll get into your stride, but those first few sentences can be pretty scary.

The trick is to get the audience on your side from the off with a short and easy-to-understand joke that sets the tone for the speech to follow. Here are some great opener ideas for best man speeches.

1) If there’s anybody here today who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [NAME OF THE GROOM].

2) Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.

3) Everyone here who knows Sophie will know that she is a wonderful and kind person, who deserves a good husband. Thank god Theo married her before she found one.

4) We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the Groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right, I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.

5) It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

6) I just heard there was a competitive sweepstake on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 45 minutes, so settle in…

7) My name is James and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but you’d do well to keep quiet – I know your secrets.

8) I’d like to congratulate the Groom on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right – I could hardly follow a word of it.

9) Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it, but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.

10) I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

11) I’ve been told I can’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast in this speech. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

12) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it’s only hard for the first minute.

13) You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with the Groom, he has at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.

14) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologise for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple vodka I’m going to down as soon as this is over.

15) Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

16) I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about Matt. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.

17) It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.

18) Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about Arthur!

19) For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Sam and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Sam-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

20) Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?

21) Now, before I start, the venue manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

22) I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And, as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.

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Once you’ve opened the best man’s speech and given the guests an idea of the tone and also helped them relax, knowing that you’re not about to deliver a complete car crash of a speech, it’s time to get personal.

Remember, the best man’s speech is mostly intended as an ode to the groom and your friendship and to give the guests an idea of what the main man at the wedding is really like behind closed doors!

You can also include some jokes about the bride (or another groom at a same-sex wedding), although keep these minimal as the father of the bride will have spent a large part of his speech talking about his daughter. As well as these tried-and-tested quips, try to include a few jokes that are specific and personal to your friend, to ensure the groom and his guests feel like you do actually know and love him!

23) So where do I start about Ben? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry… Ben, I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.

24) The bride and groom have asked that I don’t talk about Mike’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me!

25) I do have to say though Rowan just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring. And Margot, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

26) Helen please put your left hand flat on the table. Paul please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Paul because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.

27) We all know the bride is a wonderful lady who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.

28) Well, I do hope that Meghan and Harry enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked Harry what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.

29) I’ve been instructed by the bride and groom to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.

30) Harry is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because I forgot about it until late last night at the bar!

30) Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

31) I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

If the groom is known to be a bit of a tech geek or a gamer…

32) Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff online. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until I told him the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

33) Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Jane, I expect you had a similar experience when David asked you to be his wife.

34) Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

35) When I saw Kate heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

36) Before proposing, William went to ask Kate’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing William took the hand that had spent 25 years fishing into his wallet.

37) I’ve been asked by many how I’m going to cope with my best friend being married and spending all of his time loved up at home. I’m thrilled! I’ll finally be able to talk to women without him cramping my style.

It’s a classic and winning tool in British humour – the self-deprecating joke, where you take the mick out of yourself in order to make the crowd both laugh and also get them on your side straight away. Here are some of the best ways to put yourself down in hilarious fashion.

38) I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Charles and Camilla’s wedding. Charles made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the barman over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!

39) The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

40) I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out.

You’ll probably want to end the speech on more of a heartfelt note or with some sort of thanks and advice for the newlyweds, but there’s always time to get a couple of more jokes in at the groom’s expense beforehand…

41) Ryan was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

42) I’ve just got some last messages here to read out: one from Greg’s football team to Jacqui: “Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with Greg, we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.”

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Hollie Bond

Hollie is a lifestyle journalist with over ten years’ experience working in the wedding industry as Lifestyle Editor for You & Your Wedding magazine Also a Regional Editor for Muddy Stilettos, Hollie has written for Square Meal magazine, Family History Monthly, BBC History magazine and Homes & Antiques. In her spare time you can find Hollie in a dance studio practising ballet…

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80 Hilarious Jokes for Best Man Speech (And How to Deliver Them Effectively)

Best man speeches are best known for being the funniest speech of the night — not to mention the most anticipated. While you don’t have to be a stand up comedian to pull off an amusing speech, it’s always a good idea to have a few funny comments up your sleeve.

Even if you don’t enjoy speaking in front of others or are feeling nervous about delivering your speech, you can hide that with the right content — and the right jokes.

Our jokes for best man speech guide will help you find the right openers as well as jokes for the remainder of your speech. Just remember to only use a handful so your speech doesn’t come off cliché.

In This Article

80 hilarious jokes for best man speech opening jokes

Opening Jokes for Best Man Speech

Saying something amusing at the beginning of your speech is a great way to engage your audience from the get-go. If you want to kick off your speech with some humor, here are 10 funny ways to do so:

I’d like to start by congratulating Scott on his excellent taste in speech givers.
It’s strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents taught me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should say nothing at all.
Scott knew I was a bit nervous about giving this speech, so he gave me some great advice. He said “Don’t try to be too charming, witty or intellectual — just be yourself!’”
The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me, and, after turning him down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse again.
Each one of us gathered together in this room has something really important in common: none of us have a clue what I’m going to say next!
Good evening everyone! I’m Mike. I’m sure you all know me as Scott’s younger brother, but if you don’t, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!
Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and wondrous that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the free booze.
Scott and I have always loved each other like brothers. Hopefully he’ll feel the same after he hears my speech.
Good evening everyone, today you are witness to a unique and important event in history: the first and presumably last time anyone will ever trust me to give a speech.
If your speech is following someone else’s, you can say, (Name) gave a great speech and I agree with everything he/she said. Then sit down.

Jokes Involving the Groom

The groom is always fair game in the best man’s speech. Just make sure you don’t go overboard. Be sure to balance your jokes at the groom’s expense with at least a bit of flattery. It is his big day, after all.

Where do I start with Scott? He’s kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming… sorry, I’m having trouble reading Scott’s writing, (turn to groom) you’ll have to tell me the rest later.”
A few months ago, Scott called me up and asked, ‘What are your feelings on marriage?’ I had to tell him that, while I was very flattered, I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet.”
Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about Scott!
Let me tell you about the groom. I’ve known him for 15 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic… Oops, sorry, wrong wedding.
I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!
I’m Mike, best man, but I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.
I can only say in my defense that Scott and I share a common sense of humor so if this speech isn’t funny, blame him.
I’d like to focus on the groom for a few minutes. Enjoy it, Scott, because this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention.
I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about Scott. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.
As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.

Jokes Involving the Bride

While it’s never a good idea to make a joke at the bride’s expense, you can still certainly include her in your humor. Here’s a few examples:

Claire is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Scott swooped in before she could find one.
It’s not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She’s not marrying the best man.
Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I’m sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.
Scott, you’re leaving tonight with a beautiful wife. Claire, you get to go home with a beautiful new dress. So it’s win-win.
Claire, the next time you think work keeps you apart too much, remember to enjoy the time apart. All too soon you’ll both retire, but you’ll still have a full-time job — dealing with him.
Claire did actually tell me Scott has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off…but it amounts to the same thing, right?
They married for better or for worse. Scott couldn’t have done better, and Claire couldn’t have done worse!
Good evening. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan. Of course, I’m only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.
Claire please put your left hand flat on the table. Scott please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Scott because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.
It can be said that a bride’s attitude toward her betrothed can be summed up by three words associated with weddings: Aisle, altar, hymn.

The best jokes for your best man speech.

Jokes for a Married Best Man

If you’re already married, you have the chance to share your insight with the groom, but you may as well make him laugh while you’re doing so. Here are a few ideas that are good for a giggle.

I asked my wife if she still fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and doing the dishes.
There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. 2) When you think you’re right, remind yourself of rule No. 1.
A wise man once said, “I don’t know… ask my wife.”
My wife says I’m too competitive. I told her I already knew that.
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
My wife asked me earlier: “Are you even listening to me?” Which is a very odd way to start a conversation…
My wife asked me if I wanted dinner. When I asked what my choices were, she said, “Yes or no.”
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she’s giving me lately.

Advice Jokes for Best Man Speech

If you can offer advice to the newlyweds and get a laugh at the same time, why not kill two birds with one stone? Here are some wise words that will be sure to elicit more than a few chuckles.

Scott, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”
The four most essential words for a healthy and happy relationship are “I’m sorry” and “You’re right.”
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Leave the toilet seat down. Enough said.
The beauty of your youths may fade over time, but don’t worry, so will your eyesight.
Marriage is an ‘as is’ deal. Don’t try to change your spouse. That’s as good as it gets.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them.
Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening anyway.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.

80 hilarious jokes for best man speech best liner jokes

Best One-Liner Jokes

Who says a joke needs to be long to get a laugh? Sometimes a one-liner is exactly what you need to break the ice and get people laughing. Here are a few to choose from:

Marriage is like a walk in the park — Jurassic Park, that is.
I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”
Today’s wedding is a love match, pure and simple — she’s pure, and he’s simple.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
Last night my wife was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
I’m not a “yes” man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Here are the top three situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

Best Cheesy Jokes

If you want to use a groaner or two in your speech, these corny jokes will make your listeners smile in spite of themselves.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
It has been a very emotional day today. I’m sure some of you have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So, I had to put my foot down.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married? I heard the reception was perfect.
My wife found out the hard way that I had changed the bed in our master bedroom with a trampoline — she hit the roof and hasn’t talked to me since.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff! It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

Funny Quotes for Your Speech

If you’re looking for a way to make your speech amusing, throwing in a funny quote or two can’t hurt. Here are some of the best love-related quotes sure to make your audience chuckle.

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”

— Brendan Behan, Irish poet

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”

— Maryon Pearson, wife of former Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

— Jim Carrey, actor

“Men wear the pants in the relationship, but women control the zipper.”
“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”

— Terry Pratchett, English author

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”

— Ogden Nash, American poet

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”

— George Burns, American comedian

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”

— Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist and psychoanalyst

“It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner, American comedian

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”

— Ann Bancroft, American actress

Our Top 5 Best Man Speech Tips for Including Jokes

Writing a speech isn’t easy. That’s why we’ve put together some essential tips to keep in mind. If you need more help, take a look at our article on how to write a memorable best man speech.

1. Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm

No matter what style of speech you plan to write, you should always start by brainstorming. If you’re going for something funny, making a list of amusing memories of the groom can help you decide what stories to tell as well as what jokes will go with them.

Once you’ve finished brainstorming, choose one or two stories to work with. Which memories would be both easy to share and amusing for your audience? How long will each memory take to recount?

Once you’ve chosen either one longer memory or two shorter ones, it’s time to add some supporting details. Once that task is complete, look to see which jokes would best support the stories you plan to share and how you can integrate them.

If you plan to tell a story about the groom’s mischievous sense of humor, you could say something like this:

Good evening everyone. I’m Mike, the best man and Scott’s younger brother. Before I dive into my speech I just want to say that Scott and I share the same sense of humor so if this speech isn’t funny, it’s all his fault.

Speaking of having a crazy sense of humor, I’d like to tell you about the time Scott decided it would be a great idea to dye our cat’s tail green for St. Patrick’s day. He was eight and I, his willing helper, was only five…

2. Choose a common theme to keep your speech cohesive

Having a recurring theme in your speech will help it to flow naturally, making it easier to deliver. It will also make it easier for the audience to follow, and will be more apt to hold their attention.

If your goal is to make your speech funny by telling amusing anecdotes about your friend, then jokes will work very well with your toast. If you plan to make your speech a mixture of funny and sincere, however, make sure you confine the jokes to the amusing part of your speech.

Offering advice to the newlyweds may sound serious, but it can be pretty funny if done right. This will be especially effective if you are already married. For instance, you could say:

As Scott’s one and only married friend, I’m the only one of his peers who can offer advice on how to make a marriage successful. So, Scott, here’s my advice to you; as a married man, there are three phrases you must master: “Yes, dear,” “I’m sorry” and “You’re right.”

Memorizing those words will save you a lot of heartache, Scott. Remember, marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

80 hilarious jokes for best man speech be funny but show emotion too

3. Be funny, but show emotion too

Even if your goal is to have the crowd in tears from laughter, at least a small portion of your speech should include a heartfelt sentiment or two.

Whether you talk about how blessed you are to be friends with the groom or about how happy you are for him to have found the love of his life, be sure to get in a few sincere comments.

But how do you transition from a joke into something more heartfelt? Here’s a good example:

It’s been said that a man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him, but I’m pretty sure Scott fell for Claire before he even spoke to her. I don’t think he believed in love at first sight until that moment.

4. Make mention of the groom’s spouse

As the best man, most of your speech will be about the groom, but it’s still important to mention his new bride or groom.

Your speech will be mostly about recounting memories of your friendship with the groom, but it’s important to transition into talking about the other half of the newlywed couple. And yes, you can do that by starting with a joke. You could say something like:

Claire is a bright, charming, wonderful woman, who deserves a good husband. It’s such a shame Scott swooped in before she could find one. But seriously, Claire, I am so happy that Scott did indeed find you. I’ve never seen him happier and it is all because of you.

5. End your speech with a toast

No pressure — but, as the best man, your speech is usually the most anticipated of the night, so end it right by offering congratulations to the newlyweds. You can even slip in one last joke. Here are a few examples:

Scott, you’re leaving tonight with a lovely wife. Claire, you get to go home with a gorgeous new dress. So it’s win-win. To the lucky groom and his beautiful bride! Cheers!

Yes, folks, this wedding is a love match, pure and simple — she’s pure, and he’s simple. Seriously though, a great love like theirs is one to be celebrated, so everyone lift your glasses with me and toast the bride and groom. To Claire and Scott!

By remembering these tips and choosing the right jokes , you can be confident of delivering a successful best man speech.

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Budget & Planning , wedding-speeches

No pressure, but the best man speech can really set the tone for the evening.

The best man – along with the other speech makers – is tasked with setting the mood for the night ahead, making sure to give the wedding guests a good laugh. He’ll need to strike the balance between funny and a little cheeky (remember the listening ears of older relatives!) and he may also like to throw in a little sentiment – it is a wedding after all.

RELATED TO: Have you bought your tickets for The Wedding Journal Show ? Get exclusive VIP & discounted tickets online now!

If you’re looking for a little bit of inspiration for your best man speech, then we’ve got in spades, from funny one liners to quips that’ll leave the guests in stitches.

Whether you’re a skilled public speaker, a natural comedian or a total novice, littering your best man’s speech with a few of these jokes will really pack a punch.

Opening jokes

The key to a killer best man speech is to kick it off with a great opening line!

“Good evening everyone. I’m so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn’t plan.”

“It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers!”

“[GROOM’S NAME] was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming¦”

“Leading up to today [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use the wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of [GROOM’S NAME] and [BRIDE’S NAME] thank‐you very much for the teaspoons.”

“Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!”

Jokes about the groom

A best man speech is an opportunity to give the groom a bit of a roasting!

“On their first date, [GROOM’S NAME] thought he’d make an impression, and promised a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!”

“I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So raise your glasses to the happy couple!”

“Just some last messages here to read out: one from the Groom’s football team to [BRIDE’S NAME] – ‘apologies we couldn’t all be here today, good luck with [GROOM’S NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.”

“As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”

“Twenty years ago, the Groom was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about.”

“[BRIDE’S NAME] please put your left hand flat on the table. [GROOM’S NAME] please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment [GROOM’S NAME] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”

“You are both so lucky. [GROOM], you get to leave with this amazing woman. And [BRIDE], you get to leave with that beautiful dress and wedding bouquet.”

Jokes about the bride

Aim for a gentle ribbing when it comes to the bride – don’t take the jokes too far!

“Isn’t it funny how history has a habit of repeating itself? Twenty-nine years ago [BRIDE’S NAME]’s parents were sending her off to bed with a dummy. And tonight they’re doing exactly the same thing again!”

“When I saw [BRIDE’S NAME] heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

“Everyone who knows the bride knows she’s a wonderful person. She deserves the best husband out there. Thank god [GROOM’S NAME] married her before she found one.”

“Before proposing, [GROOM’S NAME] went to ask [BRIDE’S NAME]’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing he took the hand that had spent 20 years fishing into his wallet!”

Jokes about the best man

When it comes to the best man speech, guests will love a little self-deprecating humour

“A Best Man is like a dog. You love him, care about him, and he’s only thrown up and ruined your upholstery twice.”

“I recognise my place here; being best man at a wedding is like being the dead body at a funeral. You’re expected to be there, but if you say too much people start freaking out.”

“Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. [BRIDE’S NAME], I expect you had a similar experience when [GROOM’S NAME] asked you to be his wife.”

“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”

What else goes into the perfect best man speech?

Okay, so you’ve the gags sussed. What else do you need to include in a best man speech?

– Thank the other speakers who have gone before you – Congratulate the newlyweds – Remember to say a few kind words about the bride – Don’t forget to compliment the bridesmaids – Read out messages from guests who couldn’t attend – Propose a toast!

Check out our guide here for even more advice on perfecting the best man speech.

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The Wedding Toaster

"show me the funny", wedding speech jokes.

If you somehow found this page it's probably because you're trawling the internet looking for jokes to put in your wedding speech.

Please Notes: I do not advertise this page and I do not link this page back to my main website.

Because it is just a list of dumb wedding jokes. If you want to craft a really good wedding speech, pay more attention to stories than jokes

WARNING: These jokes are to be used very sparingly, if at all! Most of them aren't great. And the good ones have already been used hundreds of times before. But hey, maybe it will give you a bit of inspiration!

If you are still stuck with giving a speech. Perhaps you need a professional public speaking coach. Come visit my me at Gravitas Training where we provide public speaking courses in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane.

Anyway that's enough from me. On to the list...

Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.

I don't believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won't contain anything controversial or embarrassing about Paul. Instead I'll refer only to the pleasant, loving side of his character. Thank you and goodnight. (Sit down)

Paul is always thinking of others, an attribute welcomed by Linda in every place except the bedroom.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see Paul drinking alone.

Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life.

Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.

I will admit to you that I am slightly nervous making this speech in front of all these people. All day people have been coming up to me and wishing me luck. Someone even gave me flowers, which made me feel a little bit like I was the bride! Well, I say flowers, they looked more like a wreath.

Paul is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why Linda didn’t worry about introducing Paul to hers until today.

Now I know what you’re all thinking, doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.

I’d now like to focus on Paul for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you'll ever be the center of attention.

For those of you without the internet I'll update you on (Bride’s) Facebook account, which she's secretly using under the table as I speak. (checks phone) Her status has been changed to 'married', both of her parents immediately 'disliked' this, and 32 guys in this room have already poked her.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jason, and I am the best man. Let me just say that the groom has a splendid set of friends and to be chosen from such esteemed company was something of a surprise. And since that moment I have struggled almost daily with an uneasy sensation, which I can compare only to the first disagreeable feelings which usually precede a fit of sea-sickness.

Paul and Linda began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together - during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume Paul had her wings clipped.

Of course, the Groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?

The groom is a very talented man. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd business man, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. He’s so talented he can fake all of that.

Some of you will be wondering why it’s me stood up here today, when Paul has always made friends so easily. It’s because, out of the two of us he didn’t make out of plasticine, I drew the short straw.

The Groom has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

It has been a very emotional day ……..as some of you must have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you're either me (because I am) or you just married Mark Owen.

I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn’t take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Owen. (Take drink and sit down).

Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech. “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that then!”

Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. That was a messy one!

Well, I do hope that Howard and Mary enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked Howard what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight…

Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve know him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.

There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank our ushers Dave and Parry for sticking to that rule to the letter. I’m not quite sure that saying “You’ll sit where you’re ruddy well put” was really in the spirit of the day, but we’ll let that pass.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.

I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went well,they all peed themselves anyway.

- Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment, I think you”ll all agree Mike is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don’t know Mike is actually one of the hairiest men in Britain, with that in mind I’d like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo’s Ape and Monkey House on Mike’s behalf for their help in getting him ready for today.

I can only say in my defence that Mike and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

During the service today I couldn’t help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 years ago David and Pam were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it’s happening all over again today.

Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5 cms a year. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Sam Davies scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Sam

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ollie and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Ollie would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

Firstly I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

I decided to look up Dan’s date of birth on the Internet to see what momentous events took place on his birthday. Unfortunately nothing much seems to have happened. Although the nurses on the ward where Dan was born still refer to that day as Ugly Thursday!

Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however Gav was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.

Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:

John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

So where do I start with Marc? Well for starters he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…Marc …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.

What are these you ask yourselves – well they’re Tom’s Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer shorts & padlock] Sarah has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by Tom and he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Sarah knowing. If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Tom is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Sarah. [Wait for keys to come back in, after being given out strategically to men, aunts etc] You dark horse Tom!

Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

There was one time when Mike was asked, ‘What is Emma’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway’

So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons

I’ve also spoken to some of Mike’s work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it’s usually a miracle.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …

On their first date, Sam took Julie to dinner at one of the poshest restaurants in [location]. All was going splendidly and Sam was delighted when Julie asked him seductively after the main course, if he would like some a little sweeter to follow. Blushing he said, “Oh yes please…” Julie, finding Sam to be the well-mannered chap that he is, said “It’s okay, you needn’t be so polite”, to which he replied “oh, well, in that case, yes please….you, you cow!”

Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Sarah has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Tom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.

Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐ The Aisle: it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take The Alter: the place where two become one The Hymn: the celebration of marriage. I think Sarah must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”

So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no‐one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about Dave.

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

On Richards first date with Ally he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!

I spoke to both Sally and Pete before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee perculator!

But I do think you owe me some thanks too Sarah.. For it was part of my extensive list of duties on this amazing day… To keep Simon’s ex Girlfriends away… Although I must admit Ladies and Gentleman… That I did get some help on that… from the recent foot and mouth outbreak…

For those of you on the Bride’s side who are just getting to know him; here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.

His colleagues describe him as a first class banker – I may have misheard them.

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honour but you don’t really want to do it!

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Then, having duly accepted the honour, I spent a long time wondering how to describe Chris – with the respect due to a man on his wedding day; how to strike the right tone of sincerity, praise and warmth. You see, Chris is a man who truly defies description. I could speak for an hour about him (don’t worry, I’m not going to) and when I’d finished we’d be no closer to grasping the essential essence of my very dear friend… And yet, miraculously, he can be very neatly summed up with a single, internationally recognised hand gesture.

They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!

Fornication… [silence]… cough… Forni-… cough… FOR-AN-OCCASION, such as this, I like to start with a joke.

It’s been said that the best man speech should only be as long as it takes for the groom to orgasm during sex. (Look at watch, scowl to yourself) So, have a great night everybody!

When it came time for the Best Man speech, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and began reading about what a wonderful husband the Groom was going to be, how he was loyal, handsome, kind, how he was loved by everyone, etc… Then, the Best Man squinted at the paper, stumbled over the words, then turned to the Groom, handed him the paper and announced, "I can’t read your handwriting!"

The Groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me and after turning him down the first three times I couldn’t refuse again.

At my twin brother’s wedding I opened with: "When I first met the Groom I didn’t really like him. He was always crowding my space and stealing my nutrients, but after we busted out of that uteran prison we were perpetual partners in crime…

When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.

I’m pleased to announce that [Bride] and [Groom] are expecting… …you all to have a good time tonight!

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.…May all your ups and down be between the sheets!

Best Man asks for anyone with keys to the Groom’s apartment to step forward and return them. Of course, there’s a giant line of women (Grandmoms make it hilarious). Then the call is made if there’s any for the Bride’s. It’s just her Dad.

There are 3 rings in marriage. The engagement ring , the wedding ring and most importantly the cate ring.

Hello I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic… Oh wait! Wrong speech!

The Bride deserves a wonderful successful loving husband. Thank goodness the Groom married her before she found one.

To the Bride, I hope this is the best moment of your life, because it’s going to be followed by the most awkward three seconds of your life when you get back to the hotel room.

And so today the single men of the world lost another catch. On the ladies side, not much has changed…

During your best man speech, ask the Groom to put his hand over the Bride’s; then joke that it’s the last time the Groom will have the "upper hand."

Women are like… Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped.

After you get married you go through three phases when it comes to sex: All-over-the-house sex, bedroom sex, and hallway sex. Obviously all-over-the-house sex comes first after the wedding, you can’t keep your hands off each other, you do it in the kitchen, the bathroom, wherever. Bedroom sex is just the ordinary sex that happens when you’ve settled down a bit. Hallway sex… That comes years into the marriage, and it happens when one of you is leaving the house, the other one’s just coming home, and you shout "Screw you" in the hallway.

I've been warned not to go into detail about *insert grooms name*' s past record. But what a coincidence 146 is his lucky number!!"

Ive been asked to prepare a few lines (sniff and hold your nose) and now ive snorted them i feel great.

Firstly, i would like to say that (insert grooms name), i'm sure every body here today believes, that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert brides name) hand in marriage. We all know that (insert brides name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.

See you can use that to your advantage, if whatever gag you open with doesn't go so well, just say "see I told you we should have had the speeches after the meal when everyone was ******"

When they made <bridegroom's name> they threw away the mould. Unfortunately for <bride's name>, it has, apparently, since grown back'

As you can probably see, I am as nervous as a kid at a Michael Jackson sleepover

Giving a best man's speech is a bit like making love to Camilla Parker Bowles. It's a privellage, but no one wants to do it!

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in…….

No seriously this speech will be a bit like Clive short and not very funny…..

Stuart’s had some dodgy girlfriends over the years. I never forget a face but in their case I’d be glad to make an exception

Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. That was a messy one!

Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment, I think you”ll all agree Mike is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don’t know Mike is actually one of the hairiest men in Britain, with that in mind I’d like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo’s Ape and Monkey House on Mike’s behalf for their help in getting him ready for today.

Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐ The Aisle ‐ it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take The Alter ‐ the place where two become one The Hymn ‐ the celebration of marriage I think Sarah must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”

Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life. Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

I spoke to both Sally and Pete before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.”

When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee perculator!

Well, she actually said a “perky populator” but I knew what she meant

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It always settles the nerves when you get a laugh so here’s a few best man speech jokes and one liners to give you a bit of inspiration. You will obviously have your own style and sense of humour so you may wish to adapt or not use at all! Hopefully they give you a bit of food for thought for the wedding day.