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3 Things to Do When Your Kid Cries over Homework

“Noooo… I can’t do it.  I don’t have the time!!”

Have you heard this from your child when she sits down to do homework?  My gosh, it wrecks me.

I can feel her overwhelm. What can I do but jump in and try to help?

“It’s ok sweetie, let’s write down all the things you have to do to get it out of your head.”

“NO!” she pouts back, “That won’t help.  I don’t know any of this and I have to get started now.”

What do you do with that? 

You see the problem, you know the steps to take to fix it and yet your child pushes you away like you couldn’t possibly know what she’s talking about or what she’s dealing with.

I have a feeling its what our parents used to think about us.

Homework can become one neverending nightmare.  What do we do when our kids struggle with it and yet refuse our help?

Second, we need to prepare with a great response.

Read : How to Stay Calm and Win the Homework Battle

#1 We step back.

Kids want autonomy.   They want control over their lives.

Sometimes our well-meaning suggestions threaten that sense of control – especially as they get older.

FYI: This post contains affiliate links to products I love and recommend.  It costs you nothing extra if you purchase through my link, but I may get a small commission .

In her book Untangled: Guiding Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D. tells the story of a girl Trina, whose mom tried to control her homework.  Well-meaning mom would stand over Trina making sure every problem was answered and correct.

Well, Trina did her homework.  But then, she refused to turn it in.

Only after Trina’s mom stepped back from homework to make it truly her daughter’s responsibility did Trina start turning in assignments.

Read: How to stop the homework fight even if your kid outright refuses to work

How to step back effectively

How did she do this?  She offered her help, but then tied Trina’s grades to the level of maturity she showed.  The more maturity she showed by her participation in school, the more privileges she had outside of it.

This consequence makes sense because 1) Trina’s parents needed to know they could trust her and 2) They truly wanted Trina to succeed.  It wasn’t punitive but rather a stepping stool to growing up.

With homework, we can offer our help but then we need to step back when our kids refuse to take it.

#2 We can’t reason with emotions

When I don’t want to do something—like, really don’t want to do something—I get emotional. You may do it, too. If you ever want to cry just thinking about doing all the dishes piling up in the sink, this will speak to you. 

We’re stressed. We’re overwhelmed. It’s a natural reaction and some people are better handling it than others.

Our kids get this way, too. After all the after-school activities and demands on their time, kids get understandably tired.

Kendra, a mom from Chandler, Arizona, says this is exactly how her son reacts to homework. She explains that, “if he’s mad and tired, he’s writing mad and tired.”

When our kids cry and look miserable, it triggers a huge protective instinct in us parents. We hate seeing them this way and think of any way we can make it better. Sometimes that means giving in and releasing them from homework for the night; or maybe it means you’re by their side as their personal cheerleader – cheering them through math, one painful equation at a time.

“C’mon you can do it. Just one more. Just one more.”

I release you from that responsibility. Not only does it stress you out, but your kiddo can feel your stress as well.

When emotions get high…

Instead, take a break.  There is no reason that kids need to power through homework in elementary school and middle school.

Is your kid overwhelmed? Take the homework away.

One of two things will happen:

• Either they’ll keep crying and break down further which gives you the chance to swoop in and give some serious cuddling.
• Or they’ll stop the crying to get their homework back. 

When this happens, you know that the tantrum was manipulative.  It was to get something out of you, whether it was the answers or your step-by-step coaching. 

#3 We need to teach kids to motivate themselves

We ‘re all forced to do unpleasant tasks (hello, pooper scoop in the backyard!) And yet, by the time we’re adults, we know how to push through those less-than-desirable tasks to achieve the results we’re after.

Read: The Four Skills Kids Must Master in Elementary School Homework

In fact, this is a necessary qualification to be successful. If success were all fun, everyone would get there.

We must treat homework the same.

• Those twenty math facts need to be practiced.
• Those spelling words you don’t know how to spell need to be written.
• That math worksheet you’re scared of: the quicker you’re into it, the quicker you’re out. 

As a parent, we don’t have the time or energy to be a constant cheerleader to our kids. 

And, even if we did, it wouldn’t serve them in the long run. 

That’s OK because I’ll teach you strategies that you can then teach your children on how to motivate themselves through difficult (and boring) assignments. 

The Answer to Homework Hell

When our kids complain through nightly homework, it digs into us.  I’m hesitant to say it causes us physical pain, but it kind of does.

However, by stepping back, not trying to reason with emotions and teaching our kids how to motivate themselves, we will see improvement.

Our kids will fight us less.

Homework time will be less of a dreaded task. 

If homework is a struggle and you need support as a parent, go get my book Drama Free Homework: A Parent’s Guide to Eliminating Homework Battles and Raising Focused Kids. In it, I walk you through creating a homework routine that’s right for your family.

Want me to PERSONALLY teach your child the necessary homework skills?  Then, Homework 911 is for you. 

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Why Is My Child Crying During Homework?

School and academic issues can be a challenging part of parenting. Kids with ADHD are more apt to face various school-related challenges at any grade level. These can include but aren't limited to a higher prevalence of learning disabilities, overwhelm, trouble starting homework or maintaining focus on homework, and more.

It isn't uncommon for kids to dislike homework, but what if your child cries during homework? In this article, we'll discuss tips to try when a child cries over homework, reasons why kids might cry over homework, and how Joon can help.

Things To Try When Your Child Cries Over Homework 

When parents see their kids tearful or angry during homework time, it's not easy. However, although changes to a child's workload or homework assignments might be viable if you discuss it with school staff, homework is unavoidable to some degree for most kids. Parents can use a range of tactics to make homework time easier. Here are some tips to try.

Try Joon App

Say goodbye to homework battles with Joon app! Help your child build better habits and conquer their homework with fun, interactive activities. Our app rewards your child for completing tasks and staying focused, helping them feel proud of their achievements. No more tears or frustration, just happy, confident learning. Try Joon app today and see the difference it can make in your child's academic success Claim your 7-day free trial here .

Give them space

Give children space when they cry so they can let it out and reach a calmer state. Rather than leave children alone to cry without context, talk with them first and say, "It's okay to rest. We'll get back to your homework after." 

Once your child is ready to talk, listen to what they have to say. Your child may give you insight into why they don't want to do homework or feel upset during homework, which could help you find a long-term solution in some cases. 

Even if you can't throw the homework out the window, you can teach children that their emotions matter and that you can help them approach homework differently using the other strategies below.

Have a homework-time plan

Routines help children get into the habit of completing homework, chores, and other tasks. Create a homework routine so your child knows exactly what time of day they need to do their homework. Explain the schedule you create for your child clearly.

Let your child take breaks

When you create your child's routine for homework time, add regular breaks. Frequent, short breaks where kids have time to get up and move (even if just for a few minutes) are ideal.

Kids with ADHD, especially those with primarily hyperactive/impulsive symptoms or combined type ADHD, might feel calmer after they're unseated for a little bit. Movement and breaks can aid focus and help kids feel less frustrated.

Try body doubling

Many people find body doubling valuable , especially with ADHD. If you're able to sit with your child during homework time, it can help them stay on-task. When you're next to your child during the homework process, it also gives you an opportunity to notice patterns. When do they start crying? What do they say when it happens?

Teach self-motivation

Motivation generally falls into two categories: Intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic means "internal," and extrinsic means "external."

If kids don't like school and don't see an immediate reward in doing homework, they might not feel internally motivated . External rewards like experiences (time to play outside when homework is complete, screen time, etc.), sticker charts , and small toys or objects can help.

Remind kids that once they're done with homework, it's all over for the night. It won’t last forever. While school is important, putting in effort at the right time means that homework will be out of the way. Many kids can learn to self-motivate from that perspective. 

Empower kids with problem-solving skills

Help children problem-solve when they run into a problem during the homework process. For example, let's say that a child is overwhelmed by a large school assignment. They have 20 questions to answer, and it feels impossible.

A parent can help their child problem-solve by showing them how to break the assignment down into smaller pieces. Think of it this way: If your goal is to clean the house and you decide to tackle one room at a time, it's less daunting than it would be to try to clean the whole house at once with no plan.

Additionally, let your child know they can always ask for help. Communicate that school is about learning, and they're not expected to be perfect or know the answer already. They're only expected to try and act honestly. Kids shouldn't worry if they don't know the answer or need more support. 

Create a positive learning environment at home

When your child's doing homework, what else is going on in the home? What does the environment look like? Look out for potential distractions, like television or video games playing in the background. 

Not only do kids with ADHD get distracted more readily than other kids, but if they hear or see something going on in the home that's more fun, they might feel left out and get upset.

Try to make homework time a soothing, positive experience. Stim toys, white noise (which can aid concentration, unlike louder or less "even" noises like the television), or turning lessons into a game can all be helpful.

Note : If your child's struggling with homework, try Joon. Joon is a to-do app for children with ADHD that doubles as a game. It encourages motivation, self-esteem, and task completion. With over 3.6k reviews, Joon is rated an average of 4.7 out of 5 stars in the App Store. 

Click here to try Joon for free.

Communicate with their teachers

As a parent, it's essential to have an open line of communication with your child's teacher. Tell their teacher what's going on during homework time and discuss how you can work together to address it. Ask the teacher what they recommend. Schools may be able to extend options your family will find helpful both for homework time and general academic success.

A 504 plan, which can provide various accommodations including differences in school assignments, can be valuable for some kids with ADHD.

Find out why

Find out why your child struggles with homework if possible. Every child will have a different battle or reason. However, discovering the underlying cause allows parents to address the problem directly.

What Causes Crying Over Homework Assignments?

Finding out why a child cries over homework will be a unique process for every child and parent. While reasons vary, there are some common triggers for kids who cry over homework. For one kid, it could be as simple as boredom, in which case, making homework assignments more fun or stimulating can help. Another child might be tired after school, which affects their mood. While it's not an extensive list, other kids might face causes such as:

Specific learning challenges

Some kids have trouble with school or homework assignments as a whole. Others might find trouble primarily with specific subjects. If a child struggles with math facts, for example, they might cry over a math worksheet. The same child might be okay with art or reading.

Some children find a particular subject more difficult without a learning disability. For others, diagnosable learning disabilities make at least some parts of school substantially harder.

If you notice signs of learning disabilities like dyscalculia, dyslexia, or dysgraphia, speak with a medical provider or school staff. 

ADHD symptoms

Trouble paying attention, urges to move around, difficulty engaging in activities quietly, and other ADHD symptoms can all make homework more difficult. Most of us don't like to do things that we find frustrating. If ADHD symptoms make homework frustrating for a child, it makes sense that they react emotionally.

Strategies we discussed, like turning homework into a game, letting a child know that homework will take a small chunk of their time and they don't have to think of it for the rest of the night once it's done, creating a routine, and adding breaks can all help.

Anxiety and stress

Some kids experience anxiety or stress surrounding homework. Homework anxiety may show up in kids who struggle with perfectionism and similar challenges. Again, teach kids that homework is an opportunity to practice and that the point of school is to learn - not to be perfect or know it all already! 

It is tough to see kids cry over homework. However, it's possible for parents to help their kids with homework skills. Understanding why your child cries over homework can be helpful. Kids might feel overwhelmed by the material, worry about getting the right answers, get distracted, or something else. Parents can use a number of strategies to help their children, such as creating a realistic routine, taking a short break, giving a child space when they're upset, and talking with a child's teacher to troubleshoot.

How Joon Can Help

Joon can help kids complete homework assignments and a range of other tasks. Parents sign up first and create a customized task list for their child. When children finish their tasks, also called quests, they get rewards that allow them to take care of a virtual pet.

90% of children who use Joon complete all of the tasks parents assign. Even better, the app is backed by teachers, child psychologists, and occupational therapists.

Click here to download the app.

Sarah Schulze MSN, APRN, CPNP

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Homework Emotions in Children and Parents

Negative emotions can help get homework done..

Posted December 23, 2015

Most kids and their parents hate homework, or at best don’t see the point of it. Teachers are not that fond of homework either, but they are expected to assign it. I will not be reviewing the merits and disadvantages of extended learning—what homework is supposed to be—since this has been done for decades. Let’s assume, for the time being, homework is here to stay regardless of the fact that many children and parents believe it makes their lives miserable. Since homework assignments can activate negative emotions, let’s take a look at how to effectively use those feelings to get it done.

A homework assignment can be a stimulus for any number of emotions. Erroneously, many children, parents, teachers, and even psychological researchers believe that children should be interested in doing their homework or enjoy doing it. However, in most cases, that’s just not going to happen. This belief is rooted in the notion that only positive emotions such as interest, excitement, or enjoyment are what motivate us. Granted, positive emotions are motivating because that’s their purpose, just as it is with negative emotions or neutral ones. In fact, at the core of our motivational system is emotion . Through their creation of bodily feelings, core emotions motivate us by directing our attention and giving us information about what’s going on. Thoughts and images (cognitions) that arise at the same time, make more specific the information provided by emotion.

Yet how many kids have a motivational system that will trigger the emotion of excitement in response to a stimulus consisting of 2 pages of math problems? I predict the numbers will be low. Perhaps there are some children who learn for love: they are interested in doing their homework because they desire approval from a teacher, or because they want to please them. And how many parents consider their role of helping their child with 2 pages of math problems to be an interesting job or anticipate with excitement reminding their child to do it? Few, if any. Nevertheless, some researchers suggest that a parent should maintain positive emotions in the homework context to counter the child’s negative response, since children are supposed to enjoy homework as well. Essentially, they are suggesting a parent should fib, as well as negate what the child feels, since it is likely most parents are not so positive about homework and how their kids are feeling about it. Why would anyone want to teach a child that it’s okay to lie or dismiss how a child feels? Let’s consider an alternative strategy that may be more in alignment with human motivation ; essentially, helping a child effectively use the motivation provided by his negative emotions to get his homework done.

Most often, what motivates a child to do his or her homework (or a parent to oversee it) are negative emotions. Negative emotions, like distress, fear , anger , disgust, and shame , will motivate a child to do something to avoid them, or urge a child to do something that will relieve their effects.[1] This does not imply that a child should ever be threatened by a parent or teacher with a behavior that activates negative emotion. It’s punishment enough for a child who experiences negative emotion in response to pages of math problems, be it anger, disgust, fear, or the anticipation of shame. Parents who recognize how to help the child make use of negative emotion can provide their child a lifelong gift: understanding human motivation.

So here is my point: Essentially, all humans are motivated by a desire to turn on emotions that are positive or to turn off the negative ones. A child may not be interested in or excited about doing homework, regardless of your efficacy as a cheerleader. And you don’t have to offer rewards as incentives, which can lead a child to expect that he or she should only do something for an external reward. And they don’t really understand the concept of intrinsic rewards in 3rd grade. But they do understand the notion of relief. The reason to get homework done, from the perspective of negative emotions, is to feel better. Relief from an emotion that is negative does feel better and it represents a primary reason why humans take care of many tasks in their lives. There is also another important component to this process. That is, the child should have a choice about timing and be helped to maintain that commitment. She may prefer to seek immediate relief by getting the work done as soon as possible so that it is off her mind and she can play. Or she may prefer to specify a later time when it will be done and engage in other activities until that deadline appears. Either way, the focus is on being effective and efficient, doing one’s best work, and relieving the negative emotion either now or later. Like adults and their tasks, children develop such preferences and you may even want to help them experiment with each way, without imposing your own style of getting things done.

Unfortunately, instead, researchers emphasize that negative emotions, especially on the part of a parent, will undermine a child’s motivation.[2] [3] Granted, I completely agree about the importance of a parent keeping their interactions with their children fun and loving around homework.[4] However, fun and loving does not involve lying and pretending to be positive about homework when you’re not, including feigning how exciting and interesting it is. Besides, some amusing moments with a child can occur when together you can laugh about something evoking a negative emotion, such as disgust. Yuck! Homework is disgusting! As well it can make you feel angry, distressed, and afraid that you'll experience shame if it isn't done well. Thus, a positive fun and loving relationship between parent and child can happen around seeking relief from homework emotions that are negative, and learning at the same time how to effectively use the emotions that evolved to motivate us.

[1] Tomkins, S. Affect imagery consciousness (1962/2008), New York, NY: Springer.

[2] Pomerantz, E.; Wang, Q.; & Fei-Yin Ng, F. (2005), cited above.

[3] Hokoda, A., & Fincham, F. D. (1995). Origins of children’s helpless and mastery achievement patterns in the family. Journal of Educational Psychology, 87, 375–385.

[4] Pomerantz, E.; Wang, Q.; & Fei-Yin Ng, F. (2005), cited above.

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My Son Melts Down & Cries During Homework

It's upsetting for any mother to see her child distressed 1 . If your son routinely cries when doing his homework, as a parent you might feel responsible, as though you're the cause for his distress or you're not doing enough to help him. However, don't immediately jump to letting him off homework or offering to do it for him--this will only bury the problem rather than solve it. Homework is important for a child's educational development, so if it makes him upset, you have to find a way to work through it with him.

Determining the Cause

Determine the problem in order to help your child avoid getting upset during homework. Talk to your son and try to understand why he cries whenever he needs to do his homework. Boys need to express emotion as much as girls and therefore a parent should not get angry with her son if he finds completing his homework an upsetting time. There is always an underlying cause.

Academic Pressue

Children feel the strain of academic pressure, especially if they have exams coming up. Some teachers are tougher than others and they might have inadvertently scared your son by discussing the downfalls of incomplete or failed homework. Perhaps the teacher has strict consequences for poor homework, or maybe your son struggles with schoolwork and without a teacher at home he finds it difficult to complete his homework. Discuss these problems with your son and, if necessary, arrange a meeting with his teacher to see if you can reduce the pressure your son feels.

Social Pressue

Your son might have friends who excel at school and homework and they are perhaps making him feel inadequate because he has trouble understanding the material. Other children in his class might have picked up on his difficulties and use them as a method of bullying or peer pressure. Social pressure can be overwhelmingly influential in a child's life and negative pressure can make your child feel stressed and emotional.

Sensitivity

Your son's difficulties might not have anything to do with the homework at all. Consider his sleeping patterns and determine if he might be overtired. Perhaps he's overloaded with too many other commitments and responsibilities and doing his homework only reminds him of how much he has on his plate. He could be stressed from other things, such as problems with his friends or family issues. Problems outside of homework can make your child over-sensitive which then manifests when he tries to concentrate on the task at hand 1 .

Help Him Overcome It

Help your son overcome his distress over homework by learning what the teacher expects and helping your child reach his goals. Set up a dedicated study area for him and set specific times so he doesn't feel as though he has to sit there all evening. Stay positive and engage your child--talk to him about his homework and show interest. Praise your son for completing his homework on time and offer appropriate assistance when he gets stuck. Make homework something your son can control and get through; don't add pressure by insisting he does it a certain way.

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What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?

Q: Is there any way to get through to a 7-year-old in second grade that the amount of time she spends melting down and yelling about a simple school assignment that she could've mostly finished during class time and chose not to is longer than the amount of time it would take to do the assignment? We have never been super strict about homework, mostly because we thought it was inappropriate before, but now it's actually classwork and not homework, and her teachers are overall understanding. But occasionally, she needs to be able to accomplish some schoolwork without falling apart, right?

A: What a great question. Has there ever been a way to convince 7-year-olds that they have wasted their time screaming? In my time of working with families for about 20 years, as well as parenting three children, the answer is no, not really. The essence of what you want, which is what every parent wants, is for your child to understand your point of view, and hence, obey you without fits or questions. A wonderful dream, really. And I’m with you: It’s maddening to watch your child “waste” their time melting down when you know it is well within their power to just do the work. But we aren’t really talking about homework here. Allow me to explain.

How can I get my third-grader to focus on online school?

I don’t know whether this is a learning-at-home pandemic issue or whether your child is in school and this is spillover, but I can assure you either way: Your child is not making a conscious choice to melt down or be a quitter. I don’t know why, but your child is overwhelmed and needs support. It could be that she has an undiagnosed learning issue. It could be hunger. It could be a reaction to your pushing and pushing to complete the assignment. It could be that she’s bored and doesn’t want to revisit the material. I have no idea why your daughter is upset, but you need to reshape your goals.

To move forward, you have to admit that just because you now care about the schoolwork doesn’t mean your daughter does. To go from zero attention to now expecting enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be working, so stop expecting that from her.

We see that she’s resisting this, so get down to the why.

First, call the teacher and clarify what’s happening in school, as well as what the teacher expects. Ask if the teacher sees any executive functioning issues. Explain the behaviors you’re seeing at home, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Next, be sure that the timing of the classwork makes sense for your daughter. Has she had downtime? Is she fed? Has she moved her body?

Finally, call a mini-meeting with her, and set up a plan. Your ultimate goal isn’t to raise a child who completes classwork; your ultimate goal is to raise a child who enjoys learning and is motivated to do it. Let’s go slow and steady on this classwork issue; she’s only 7.

Step back and reassess. You’ll get there. Good luck.

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How to Deal with Homework Frustration As a Parent

Last Updated: June 22, 2022

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS . Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 7,532 times.

When your child struggles with their homework, they may become frustrated or upset. In turn, this may cause them to act out, and you may wind up frustrated yourself. Fortunately, there are ways you can help your child calm down when they begin to become agitated. There are also strategies you can use to help them work through challenging assignments, and to help ensure homework sessions go more smoothly moving forward.

Overcoming Homework Frustration Together

• Instead of becoming frustrated yourself, try talking to your child calmly. Start with a brief, sympathetic statement. For instance, say “I’m sorry your homework is stressful today,” or “I know it can be frustrating when an assignment is hard to understand.”
• Then, let your child know that there is more than just one way to accomplish a task and that you will help them to find a way that will work for them. Say something like, “There is a way for you to get this done that will be less frustrating and I will help you figure it out.”

• Direct them to breathe in through their nose deeply and slowly for five seconds, and then release slowly through their mouth.
• If you do lose your temper and shout at your child, apologize to them and remind yourself they need your help.
• Once everyone is relaxed again, say something like, “Alright let’s have a look at this homework together.”

• Listen to your child's response and respond with a way they can handle a similar situation differently in the future.
• For instance, if they say, "I got mad because it was too hard," point out that they were able to complete the assignment, and had just gotten stuck on one problem. Then say, "Next time, you know you can always ask me or your teacher about parts of your assignment that don't make sense, right?"

• Furthermore, anticipate and accept the fact that you will likely have a verbal battle about homework at one point or another.
• If you find yourself getting frustrated when your child struggles with homework, take a moment afterwards to reflect. In particular, remind yourself that growing up involves plenty of challenges for children, and that your patient support will help them immeasurably. It is very important to work through challenges with your child rather than expecting them to figure it out on their own.

Helping Your Child Work on Their Homework

• If they are not clearly able to explain the assignment, look it over yourself and see if it makes sense to you.
• If you are able to understand the assignment, help them get started - but only enough to ensure they understand what they need to do. Then allow them to finish the assignment themselves.
• Talk with your child’s teachers about the assignments and encourage your child to talk to their teachers when they don’t understand something. Let your child know that their teachers are there to help them.

• For instance, correct your child when they something like, “You’re wrong!” by saying, “It’s okay to think that I’m wrong, but try saying it differently.”
• Offer them examples too, such as “Mom, I don’t think that’s how I’m supposed to do it.”
• If your child starts to berate themselves, then correct them. For example, if your child says something like, “I am so stupid! I am never going to understand this!” reframe it by saying, “You are smart and you can figure this out.”

• For instance, maybe a grandparent can help more peacefully.
• Alternatively, consider searching for an older student to help tutor your child after school. Your child’s school may be able to help facilitate this arrangement.

• If you think the homework your child is bringing home may be too challenging for them or for students their age, don't hesitate to mention this to their teacher.
• If your child's teacher is not receptive to your input or does not provide adequate responses to your questions, speak with an administrator at the school about any unresolved concerns you have.

Encouraging Good Homework Habits

• A half an hour will often be more than enough for grade school children, while an hour may be better for middle and high school aged kids.
• Early evening is usually ideal. Avoid asking your child to do their homework right after school, unless this works for them. Some kids do better with homework on an empty stomach, while others may need to eat a meal and wait a bit before they can focus.
• Make sure to give your child a chance to relax and decompress after school before they get into their homework. For example, you might make your child a snack and let them play a game or play outside for about 30 minutes to an hour before starting their homework.

• Avoid watching television or messing around on your phone while your child is working. Not only are these potentially distracting, they may also seem unfair to your child.
• Set up a workspace for your child that is free of distractions. For example, you could clear the kitchen or dining room table so that your child can complete their homework there.

• Favor language that praises their effort, as opposed to their ability. For instance, say things like, “I can see you’re working very hard on your homework. Good job!”

Expert Q&A

You might also like.

• ↑ http://www.pbs.org/parents/education/going-to-school/supporting-your-learner/struggling-academically/
• ↑ http://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/deal-with-homework/
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pride-and-joy/201209/battles-over-homework-advice-parents
• ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/help-teen-homework.html?WT.ac=en-p-homework-help-a#

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Why Your Homeschooler is Crying (And what to do about it)

Confession : Somebody cried in our homeschool this week and SPOILER ALERT :

it wasn’t me…this year 🙂

It wasn’t our preschooler.

And it wasn’t our kindergartener.

It was our 8-year-old.

Wait, Aren’t Tears a Sign of Homeschool Failure?

I used to think that.

The first time my daughter started to cry during a homeschool lesson, I thought, “Well, that’s it. I knew this homeschooling thing wasn’t going to work. She would never be crying in real school.”

It took a lot of effort and self-control on my part to learn how to handle tears and other signs of frustration.

I have come to realize that tears (and other strong emotions) are teaching moments and can be their own blessing in homeschooling

I’ll explain why it’s a blessing in a moment, but first let’s talk about…

Why Kids Don’t Cry in “Normal School”

You probably think that your homeschool is a failure because you don’t remember anybody crying in the school you grew up in.

There is a reason for that.

Traditional school is a completely different social atmosphere . It is not a safe place to express emotions.

Kids that cry are ridiculed and ostracized.

Emotions have to be stuffed down until the child is in a safe place to let them flow – usually when they get home.

Don’t believe me?

G0 ahead and ask your kid why they don’t cry at church, play dates, sports practices, or co-op classes.

I asked my kid that and she blurted, “Moooom, that would be sooooooo embarrassing!”

There you go.

Your kid cries at home because it is an acceptable, safe environment. Not because you are a terrible teacher. 

What to do when your homeschooler cries (or has an outburst)

Well obviously we don’t want our kids to be crying all day, so let’s talk about the steps to take when those emotional storms hit:

1. Pause School

Don’t cancel school for the day, but do take an immediate break.

If you try to continue pushing the grammar lesson or math problem, you are just going to exasperate the situation. More importantly, you dramatically increase the chances of YOU having an outburst.

That is a homeschool situation you want to avoid like the plague.

You need to remain calm and neutral at all times.

2. Find out why your homeschooler is crying

There are 5 main reasons I have found that cause my kids to have breakdowns during a lesson.

It is often NOT the reason they are saying they are crying.

It is really important for you to use the break to figure out what exactly the problem is, so that you can fix it.

• Low Blood Sugar:

Kids need to eat pretty regularly. It is very easy for moms to be buzzing around the schoolroom and bouncing between kids.

You don’t realize how much time has passed and how hangry your kids are becoming.

Or maybe you do realize how hungry they are, but you just want to finish one more lesson before stopping (guilty!).

Bad idea. Feed the people and that last lesson will go so much better.

• Lack of Sleep:

If your child had a bad night’s sleep or got to bed late, be gentle with them in the morning. They can still do school, but be understanding.

A combination of lack of sleep, and an accidentally missed snack break was actually the culprit that brought my daughter down this past week.

My husband was out of town, so there was no adult to tell me to put the kids to bed. We stayed up way too late playing card games and eating fudgesicles.

Anyhow, I didn’t realize how much that late-night affected my little 3rd grader. Once we paused school, had a snack, and played a game of Uno to lift her spirits – she was right back at it and finished the day with flying colors.

• Just Need a Break/Overwhelmed :

As homeschool parents, we may have our eye on the prize and get really focused on checking things off our list. We may inadvertently push our kids too hard and they start to become overwhelmed.

You might also have a kid that is super motivated and wants to plow through the day as fast as possible. Initiative is good, but their minds still need pit stops to perform at their best.

Regular 15 minutes breaks are a great thing for kids to look forward to and depend on. Encourage your kids to move around and play during these breaks – not just watch a screen.

Gross motor movement is a huge help to get their brain back in gear for the next set of lessons.

• Development Not Matching Expectations:

This is a tough one and can be difficult to pinpoint.

My daughter cried way too much in our first year of homeschooling because I just didn’t realize she was not ready to learn math facts.

Her brain would just not bend that way. I had to back off.

Fast forward to this week, and she just easily completed a math fact exercise I gave her – 97/98 problems correct! And she even smiled when it was done!

If you think this is the issue for your child, start reaching out and researching other options for what your child is struggling with.

Continuing to force your kid to do something he can’t developmentally do – whether it’s early reading, math facts, writing skills, memorizing, etc. – can have far-reaching effects down the road.

• Teacher/Parent Conflict:

This is oh so common, so don’t feel bad about it.

The issue is that you have to parent your kids while also teaching them.

It is really rough on your kid to receive a consequence for poor choices, and then have to sit down with the same person who handed out the consequence and do a lesson.

If you think this is going to be a hurdle for your homeschool – please, please, please read “ How to Reset Your Homeschool Day ” It speaks very specifically to this issue.

Why Homeschool Tears are a Blessing

Please don’t miss the hidden gem here.

If your child is tired, hungry, needs an extra break from lessons, or is struggling to complete a lesson in “normal” school…what do you think is going to happen?

Will the teacher bring out a snack tray? Tell the class to take a break because Johnny needs one? Offer a cot for a nap? Adjust the curriculum requirements to your child?

Um, nope. Teachers can’t customize their classrooms to your student.

But your homeschool can!

When your homeschooler cries, know that you have a unique chance to meet them where they’re at and help them work through their struggle.

You have also provided a one on one situation where it is safe for your child to cry and express how they feel (something they would probably stuff down at school to avoid ridicule from their peers).

Even the teacher/parent conflict has become a blessing to us. My daughter and I are so much closer after taking the time to really talk through certain issues and understand each other better.

If she were in school, those talks wouldn’t have happened, and I know we would not be nearly as close.

Recap Why Your Homeschooler is Crying

So if the emotions start flowing – Pause , Find the problem, and Take joy in being the one to solve it!

No longer allow yourself to feel like a failure because your child is working through something.

You are the solution – not the problem!

If you are looking for more encouragement on your homeschool journey, subscribe to The Simple Homeschooler (no spam, unsubscribe anytime) today!

You will receive Monday morning emails full of homeschool tips, support, blog updates, and laughs that will start your week off with awesome!

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Does not work for a 4 year old. I keep asking her, “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Why are you crying?” and she literally cannot explain why. I think she’s frustrated that she can’t do it or that she will get in trouble if she makes a mistake. I have explained over and over that it’s ok to have mistakes, that she won’t get in trouble. I’ve aknowledged her feelings saying it’s hard to learn new things and sometimes scary. It makes no difference what I say or how i say it. We have a melt down everytime no matter what when I teach her anything new.

Shannon, Thanks for dropping a comment. I agree with you that this would be very difficult to do with a 4 year old. In my experience of homeschooling, I have found formal school work to be ineffective and even damaging during the preschool years. There are exceptions if a kid has a strong desire to learn. I write extensively about this in “Why I Quit Homeschool Preschool.” There are research articles listed there about early learning and updates about my own children who have soared academically after being allowed to just play during their early years of school.There was a reason school used to *start* with 1st grade, but now kids have to endure Kindergarten, Pre-K, and preschool. https://www.thesimplehomeschooler.com/why-i-quit-homeschool-preschool-and-what-i-do-instead/

I would agree. The issue might actually be “Development Not Matching Expectations,” meaning we think because our child is 4, they should be able to handle preschool curriculum. If school is making my child cry every day, I would back off and reevaluate. Is it the curriculum style? Is it that my child really isn’t ready for school? Am I expecting too much of my child?

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Mom-Tested Tips for Ending Homework Battles

Posted: August 27, 2023 | Last updated: August 27, 2023

Back-to-school season means a return to making lunches, signing field trip permission slips, planning for 127 different spirit day outfits, and having to face the prospect of taming the homework beast once again. Although some experts think homework shouldn't exist at all, the truth is that most kids will face reading logs, worksheets, and book reports at some point in the near future. For some kids (and their VERY lucky parents), getting homework done is a "no drama for their mama" situation.

For other kids, on the other hand, the struggle is all too real.

There are lots of reasons homework can become a battle, so we are super grateful for the advice of other moms who've figured out how to end those fights before they start. Read on for some genius tips, including knowing when to call it quits and when to get some help.

More from CafeMom: Utah Middle School Faces Backlash Over Forcing Kids To Eat Bugs for Assignment

Different Kids, Different Needs

"My best advice is to remember what works for one kid might not work for the other. My son has always wanted to come home and do homework right away so he can get it over with and have the rest of the day to play. I learned the hard way that it is MELTDOWN CITY if my daughter doesn’t get a snack and some play time before she has to do homework. Set them up for success by figuring out what time of the afternoon/evening is best for them." – Martha D., Iowa

"Homework was so awful with my son. Like, it was taking him almost two hours to do basically two 3rd grade workbook pages and 20 minutes of reading and I was yelling, he was crying. It felt like ‘wait, this shouldn’t be so hard’ and that was accurate.

"The homework challenge was the thing that kind of clued us in that there was something more going on. He eventually got diagnosed with a learning difference and ADHD, so I think my advice is to ask for help if the level of homework battle is just beyond normal." – Lara R., Colorado

Make a Cozy Space

"I made a little homework nook in our kitchen with all the supplies they might need, comfortable chairs, and some snacks that they can help themselves to. I feel like it helps to have a welcoming space, and I usually make dinner when they are doing homework, so I can get that done but still be close by if they need help." – Jenny N., California

Watch the Screens

"Ugh. My kid’s school has them do homework on their school iPads, which I HATE. Last year it was taking my 2nd grade son forever to get his homework done and staying up too late, not getting chores done because ‘I still have homework, Mom!’.

"I eventually clued in to the fact that he was only spending like 40 minutes on homework and the rest of the time was screwing around on the iPad. Now he has to do his homework in the dining room, so I can see that he’s actually doing it. He gets done in less than an hour now." – KayCee C., Minnesota

Do the Hardest Thing First

"My suggestion is sort of basic, but it works for us: do the least fun/hardest thing first. Have a snack, do something relaxing, and then tackle the hard thing first when the brain is fresher. A lot less of battle when the worst is out of the way first." – Annie P., Arizona

Ditch the Log

"Can we just, as parents, band together and put an end to freaking reading logs? For whatever reason, all of our homework battles were around reading logs. As someone who loves reading, I hated seeing how much having to log it sucked the joy out of reading for my kids. So I just told my kids we’ll skip them.

They still read every day but not having to log it took the pressure off. It’s second grade! Who cares if they don’t turn in a reading log! Let that stuff go!" – Sasha W., Washington

More from CafeMom: Mom Puts Entire Family on 'Screen Detox' & Daughter Has Already Jumped 5 Reading Levels

"I’m strict about screen time (even for my high school kids) and our rule is simple: no screens until homework is done. We’ve done this since day one of having homework and the kids just know that we don’t budge on it. Consistency of expectations is the key!” – Laura W., Michigan

Homework Isn't Everything

"One of the things that helps our family is having a clear sense of how important homework is to us. The truth is that, with kids who are still in elementary school, it isn’t that important to us. Outside playtime, doing Legos, having fun with friends is more important to their development than homework is. So, I make it optional: they can do it when they want, if they want." – Blake E., Colorado

Always Start With a Snack

"My parenting lightbulb moment was realizing that fully 90% of my kid's post-school meltdowns (including homework ones) were because she was STARVING after school. I've started packing car snacks for her to eat on the way home and it makes everything easier once we get there." – Jamie J., Arizona

Be Realistic About Time

"Sometimes you have to give your kids permission to skip homework. Like, for us we are crazy busy on Wednesdays. We have soccer and church and there's just not time to do it. If I try to rush my 8 and 10 year olds to get homework done, everyone just gets stressed and cranky. I told their teachers that we just don't do homework on Wednesdays and they were fine with it. Saved so many tears!" - Melody D., Minnesota

Practice With a Planner

"Every Sunday, my son (he's 16) and I sit down and do his planner. He needs that extra support to help figure out how to break down doing bigger projects and how far in advance to start studying. Remember that teenage brains aren't fully developed! They don't just automatically know how to do tasks like this! Help them build the habit now so they are ready to do on their own in college." – Amy S., California

More from CafeMom: 5 Essential Conversations Moms Need To Have With Their Teens

Ask the Teacher

"When my first kid started getting homework, we were struggling. It was taking him at least two hours to get through all of it. In 1st grade! Of course there were awful meltdowns. I just assumed that was normal until I mentioned it to another mom and she was like 'uh, it should be taking like 15 minutes ..'

"I finally talked to his teacher and she confirmed that she'd never want him to be spending two hours a day on homework. We figured out some strategies around it and it got better. My advice: talk to the teacher if every home sesh is a struggle or if it is taking hours a day." – Kelly C., Indiana

"First, unless you are a single mom, don't act like a single mom! Dads need to help with the homework BS too! When we are gearing up for a homework fight, sometimes it's best if I tag out and he takes over. Some fresh parenting energy can help." – Olivia T., Rhode Island

Make Reading Fun

"For early grades, the bulk of their homework time is probably going to be reading, so finding ways to make that fun is clutch. We take reading outside or in the hammock, or even at a park just to mix it up." – Melissa H., Texas

Set a Timer

"With my ADHD kid, we do the 20-10-20 method and it helps reduce the tension a lot. He has to do 20 minutes of homework, gets a 10 minute break, and then another 20 minutes. We use a timer and he knows he can do whatever he needs to do in those 10 minutes. We say 'Anyone can do anything for 20 minutes' and I think that's true!" – Alice S., Minnesota

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Q: Homework Triggers Epic Tantrums from My Child

Sometimes, the mere thought of buckling down for homework after a long day of school is enough to invite meltdowns and anguish from students with adhd and executive function challenges. you know they are tired and worn out, but still the work must be done — and without nightly terrors. try these tricks to defuse the situation..

Q: “Many nights, my son falls apart at the mere mention of homework. Or, he convinces himself an assignment is too difficult and gives up – after a major meltdown. He doesn’t want to get a zero for not completing work, but is completely blocked emotionally. He feels like he’s too stupid. How can I help him recover after an emotional breakdown?”

When a child suffers a meltdown at 7pm, we as parents focus on getting through the meltdown. But what we need to do is rewind the day back to 8am, and think of all of the things that led to this point. Where is the break down beginning? What is leading us to this point? Typically these major tantrums don’t happen out of the blue.

Homework doesn’t start when your child sits down to do homework. It starts when he first walks into his first class of the day. Does he hear what the teacher had to say? Does he have his homework from the night before? Does he even know what is being asked of him? Does he need some systems and strategies in place to refuel his executive functions after depleting them all day at school?

My son had a similar issue. He was explosive about getting homework done. Here are a couple things that worked for us:

[ Free Download: How Well Does Your Teen Regulate Emotions? ]

• Play “I Spy” and focus on what is getting in the way of your child’s work . Is it using Twitter during homework time? Or difficulty sustaining effort?
• Engage your child in the process of getting started . While you are having a snack after school, ask, “What’s your plan?” Or, “What are your priorities for tonight?” This can prepare his brain for what’s next for the evening without nagging him.
• Make it easy to get started . I tried to make things as simple as possible to avoid overwhelm. A sheet of 20 or 30 problems – even if they were simple computations – would put my son into a tailspin. Instead, I would put out one math problem or one vocabulary word at the beginning just to get the ball rolling. Remove barriers to entry by starting small and simple. If your child gets stuck, ask, “What’s your first step?” This can help dial back the overwhelm.
• Stop distractions and procrastination . I would sit in the room with my son while he worked. I wasn’t communicating, or helping after he got started, just being there – doing something else, and sometimes re-directing him back to work. Act like a force field to keep your child focused and anchored to whatever task he’s trying to complete.
• Get moving . Grab the flashcards and take the dog out for a walk. Ask them as you move around the neighborhood. By the time you get home, the assignment is complete, but it didn’t feel like studying . Do math problems with sidewalk chalk – anything to break up the emotion of the moment.

Not every strategy works for every student – throw a few things against the wall and see what sticks. This advice came from “ Getting It Done: Tips and Tools to Help Your Child Start — and Finish — Homework ,” an ADDitude webinar lead by  Leslie Josel  in September 2018 that is now available for free replay.

Do you have a question for ADDitude’s Dear Teen Parenting Coach? Submit your question or challenge here.

The opinions and suggestions presented above are intended for your general knowledge only and are not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your own or your child’s condition.

Dear Teen Parenting Coach: Read These Next

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The Parents’ Guide to Dismantling Oppositional, Defiant Behavior

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8yo daughter cries over homework constantly

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

By janet lehman, msw.

For many parents, getting their kids to do their homework is a nightly struggle. Some kids refuse to do their homework. Others claim that they don’t have homework, but then the report card comes out, and you realize that their work was not being done.

So why is homework time so difficult? In my opinion, one of the major reasons is that it’s hard for kids to focus at home. Look at it this way: when your child is in school, they’re in a classroom where there aren’t a lot of distractions. The learning is structured and organized, and all the students are focusing on the same thing.

But when your child comes home, their brain clicks over to “free time” mode. In their mind, home is a place to relax, have a snack, listen to music, and play video games. Kids simply don’t view the home as the place to do schoolwork.

If the homework struggles you experience are part of a larger pattern of acting out behavior, then the child is resisting to get power over you. They intend to do what they want to do when they want to do it, and homework just becomes another battlefield. And, as on any other battlefield, parents can use tactics that succeed or tactics that fail.

Regardless of why your child won’t do their homework, know that fighting over it is a losing proposition for both of you. You will end up frustrated, angry, and exhausted, and your child will have found yet another way to push your buttons. And, even worse, they will wind up hating school and hating learning.

A major part of getting your child to do their homework lies in establishing a system so that your child comes to see that homework is just a regular part of home life. Once they accept that, you’ve already won half the battle. Accordingly, my first few tips are around setting up this system. If you get the system right, things tend to fall into place.

Put this system in place with your child at a time when things are calm and going well rather than during the heat of an argument. Tell your child that you’re going to try something different starting next week with homework that will make it go better for everyone. Then explain the system.

You’ll find that this system will make your life easier as a parent, will make you more effective as a parent, and will help your child to get the work done. And when your child gets their work done, they’re more likely to succeed, and nothing drives motivation more than success.

Structure the Evening for Homework

When your kids come home, there should be a structure and a schedule set up each night. I recommend that you write this up and post it on the refrigerator or in some central location in the house. Kids need to know that there is a time to eat, a time to do homework, and also that there is free time. And remember, free time starts after homework is done.

Homework time should be a quiet time in your whole house. Siblings shouldn’t be in the next room watching TV or playing video games. The whole idea is to eliminate distractions. The message to your child is, “You’re not going to do anything anyway, so you might as well do your homework.”

Even if your child doesn’t have homework some nights, homework time should still mean no phone and no electronics. Instead, your child can read a book or a magazine in their room or work on longer-term assignments. Consistently adhering to the homework time structure is important to instill the homework habit.

Start the Evening Homework Habit When Your Kids are Young

If your children are younger and they don’t get homework yet, set aside quiet time each evening where your child can read or do some type of learning. Doing so will help children understand that evening quiet and study time is a part of everyday home life, just like chores. This habit will pay off when the real homework begins.

Use a Public Place for Homework

For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake. Many children need your presence to stay focused and disciplined. And they need to be away from the stuff in their rooms that can distract them.

You know your child best. If you think they’re not being productive in their room, then insist they work at the kitchen table or in some other room where you can monitor them and where there will be fewer distractions.

If they do homework in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around. Take the phone and laptop away and eliminate electronics from the room during study time. In short, you want to get rid of all the temptations and distractions.

Give Breaks During Homework Time

Many kids get tired halfway through homework time, and that’s when they start acting up. If your child is doing an hour of homework, have them take a 5-minute break every half-hour so that they can get up, have a snack, and stretch their legs. But don’t allow electronics during the break—electronics are just too distracting.

Monitor the break and ensure that your child gets back to work promptly.

Be sure to encourage your child when they’re discouraged. It’s okay to say things like:

“I know it’s a drag, but think of this—when you get your work done, the rest of the night is yours.”

“Look, if you do your work all week, you’ll have the whole weekend to do what you want.”

Show your child empathy—how many of us truly enjoyed homework every night? It’s work, pure and simple. But your child will be encouraged when they begin to have success with their work.

Help Your Child Get Started With Their Homework

Some kids have a hard time getting assignments started. They may be overwhelmed or unsure where to begin. Or the work may seem too difficult.

There’s a concept I explain in The Total Transformation® child behavior program called hurdle help . If you have a child who has a hard time getting started, spend the first five minutes with them to get them over the first couple of hurdles. Perhaps help them with the first math problem or make sure they understand the assignment.

For many kids who are slow starters, hurdle help is very effective. This doesn’t mean you are doing their homework for them—this is simply extra help designed to get them going on their own.

Help Your Child Manage Long-Term Assignments

If your child has a big, long-term project, then you want to work with them to estimate how much time it’s going to take. Then your child has to work within that time frame. So if your child has a science project, help them manage and structure their time. For instance, if the project is due in 30 days, ask them:

“How much time are you going to spend on it each night?”

They might say, “15 minutes a night,” and you hold them to that.

Don’t assume that your child knows how to manage their time effectively. As adults, we sometimes take for granted the habits we have spent a lifetime developing and forget that our kids are not there yet.

Make Sunday Night a School Night

The way that I structure the weekend is that Sunday night is a school night, not Friday. So if your child has homework for the weekend, and as long as they’re done all their work for the past week, they get Friday and Saturday night off and can do their homework on Sunday night.

If there’s a project or something big to do over the weekend, then work with your child to budget their time. They may have to put some time in on Saturday or Sunday during the day. But other than that, your child should have the weekend off too, just like adults do.

The Weekend Doesn’t Begin Until Overdue Work Is Done

If your child has overdue homework, their weekend shouldn’t begin until those assignments are done. In other words, Friday night is a homework night if their week’s work is not complete.

Believe me, this is a highly effective consequence for kids because it creates a great incentive to get their work done. Indeed, each minute they’re doing homework is a minute they could be hanging out with friends or playing video games.

If you can hold to this rule once and deal with the complaining, then next week the homework will be done.

By the way, if they say they can’t do their homework because they didn’t bring their school books home, they should be grounded for the weekend. You can say:

“I don’t want to hear that you can’t do it because you don’t have your books. You’d better call around and find a friend who you can borrow them from. Otherwise, you’ll be staying in this weekend.”

Make Homework a Higher Priority Than Activities

Kids are involved in a lot of after school activities these days. I understand that. But my priority has always been “homework comes first.”

In my opinion, if the homework isn’t done on Monday, then your child shouldn’t go to football on Tuesday. It’s fine if he misses a practice or two. You can say:

“Here’s the deal. We’re not going to football today. You need to get your work done first.”

If your child says, “Well, if I miss a practice, I’m going to get thrown off the team,” You can say:

“Well, then make sure your work is complete. Otherwise, you’re not going to practice. That’s all there is to it.”

I personally don’t put football, soccer, or any other extracurricular activities above homework and home responsibilities. I don’t believe parents should be going from soccer to karate to basketball with their kids while homework and school responsibilities are being neglected.

Use Rewards for Schoolwork, Not Bribes

Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. Nevertheless, it’s important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering an incentive for getting good grades. For instance, my son knew that he would get a certain reward for his performance if he got all B’s or above. The reward was an incentive to do well.

One of the shortcuts we take as parents is to bribe our kids rather than rewarding them for performance. It can be a subtle difference. A reward is something that is given after an achievement. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with them over something that is already a responsibility.

If you bribe your child to do their homework or to do anything else that is an expected responsibility, then your child will come to expect something extra just for behaving appropriately. Bribes undermine your parental authority as kids learn that they can get things from you by threatening bad behavior. Bribes put your child in charge of you.

The appropriate parental response to not meeting a responsibility is a consequence, not a bribe. A bribe says, “If you do your homework, I will extend your curfew by an hour.” In contrast, a consequence says, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re grounded until it’s finished.” Never bribe your kids to do what they’re expected to do.

Use Effective Consequences

When giving consequences, be sure they’re effective consequences. What makes an effective consequence? An effective consequence motivates your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be successful.

An effective consequence looks like this:

“If you fall below a B average, then you can no longer study in your room and must study at the kitchen table until you get your average back to a B.”

For the child who prefers to study in their room, this is an effective consequence.

Another effective consequence would be the following:

“If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.”

And the next day, your child gets to try again to earn the privilege of electronics. Short-term consequences like this are very effective. Just don’t take away this privilege for more than a day as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.

For more on consequences, read the article on how to give effective consequences to your child .

Be Prepared to Let Your Child Fail

Failure should be an option, and sometimes you just have to let your child fail . Parents often do their kids a disservice when they shield them from the consequences of their actions. If your child chooses not to study enough and they get a failing grade, that’s the natural consequence for their behavior. And they should experience the discomfort that results from their behavior.

Let me be clear. If you interfere and try to get your child’s teacher to change their grade, your child will learn the wrong lesson. Your child will learn that if they screw up enough, Mom and Dad will take care of them. And they don’t learn their math or science or whatever it is they failed.

To be sure, failing is a hard lesson, but it’s the right lesson when your child fails. And it’s not the end of the world. In fact, for many kids, it’s what turns them around.

Don’t Fight with Your Child Over Homework

Don’t get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don’t do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child:

“Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.”

Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. Again, it’s important not to get sucked into fights with your child. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. If your child refuses to do his or her work, then calmly give the consequence that you established for not doing homework.

Also, trying to convince your child that grades are important is a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do. The truth is, they don’t typically think that way. To get your child to do homework, focus on their behavior, not their motivation. Rather than giving a lecture, just maintain the system that enables them to get their work done. Often, the motivation comes after the child has had a taste of success, and this system sets them up for that success.

Stay Calm When Helping Your Child With Their Homework

It’s important to be calm when helping your child with their homework. Don’t argue about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and won’t help them get the work done. It’s better to walk away than it is to engage in an argument, even when you’re just trying to be helpful.

For couples, it may be that one of you is more patient and acceptable to your child. Let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. And don’t take it personally if it isn’t you.

Remember, if you can’t stay calm when helping your child, or if you find that your help is making the situation worse, then it’s better not to help at all. Find someone else or talk to the teacher about how your child can get the help they need. And try not to blame your child for the frustration that you feel.

It’s Your Child’s Homework, Not Yours

Remember that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself; your job is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s job to do their assignments. And it’s the teacher’s job to grade them.

Know the Teachers and the Assignments

Build good relationships with your child’s teachers. Meet with the teachers at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationships with your child’s teachers will pay off if your child begins to have problems.

And if your child does have problems, then communicate with their teachers weekly. If they’re not handing in their work on time, ask the teachers to send you any assignments that they didn’t get done each week. Many schools have assignments available online, which is a big help for parents. Just don’t rely on your child to give you accurate information. Find out for yourself.

The bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work, and you can only do that if you know what the work is. If you keep yourself informed, then you won’t be surprised when report cards come out.

Work with your child on a system to keep track of assignments. I recommend an old-fashioned paper calendar simply because we already have too many distracting electronics in our lives—experiment and use what works best for your child.

Finally, try to see your child’s teachers as your allies. In my experience, most teachers are dedicated and caring, but I realize that this isn’t always the case. So, for your child’s sake, do your best to find a way to work with their teachers.

If You Think Your Child Might Have a Learning Disability

Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may struggle. If your child is having an especially hard time, talk with their teacher. Ask if it’s typical for your child to be struggling in this area.

In some cases, the teacher may recommend testing to see if your child has a learning disability. While this can be hard to hear as a parent, it’s important to find out so that you can make the necessary adjustments.

If it turns out that your child does have a learning disability, then you want to get an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) set up with the school.

Most kids don’t enjoy homework, and for some, it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders.

I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It was overwhelming at times. Often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed.

Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work feel unending at times. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility. But even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives, and our expectations to make sure our son did his homework as expected.

Life would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down, and dug into their homework without being asked. This is hardly the case, though. Therefore, you need to set up a system that is right for your child, and it’s going to be easier for some kids than for others.

We’re trying to raise our kids to be responsible and accountable for their homework. And we’re trying to avoid fighting with them over it every night. When I had parents in my office, I would take these concepts and show them how they could make it work for their families in their own homes. The families I worked with were able to turn the nightly homework struggle around successfully time and time again.

Related content: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program , The Complete Guide To Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ .

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Hello, my grandson recently moved with me from another state. He is currently in 8th grade (but should be in 9th). He basically failed the last 2 years and was promoted. I would say he is at a 6th grade level. It's a daily fight with him to do his homework. He won't even try. I know a lot of this is because no one has ever made him do his homework before. I thought he would just have to get in a routine of doing it. He's been in school for a month now and its a fight every single day after school. I have lost all the patience I had. I am tired of being a broken record and being the "bad guy". I don't want to give up on him and send him back to his mom, where I know he will never graduate. I have made so many sacrifices to get him here, but I am literally at my wits end with this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

My rule is homework after school. If he comes home and does his homework after school, it was easier for him to complete. That lasted a week and a half. Now, he just sits there and does nothing. Does anyone have any suggestions? I couldn't live with myself if I sent him back and he became nothing but a drop out. I know I am not one to have patience, and I am trying but at the same time, I am almost over it. I don't like going to bed crying and knowing that he is crying too. I am open to all suggestions. Please and thank you.

I'm so sorry you are facing these struggles with your grandson. We here from many caregivers in similar situations, so you're not alone in your frustration. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for managing these homework struggles, which can be found here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/school-homework/

We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

Jessicar Thank you for this article and strategies. I echo many of the frustrations expressed by other parents here, including my opinion (as an educator) that homework should not exist. I agree that teachers and parents are in a struggle about which adult is responsible for supporting the child in getting More homework done. The best thing for my son was a free "homework club" in fourth and fifth grade where a teacher monitored completion of homework. He has nothing like this in middle school so far. Where I really disagree with the article is about extracurricular activities. Kids need physical activity through sports! They need enrichment beyond academics through the arts, theater, music. Many families send their children to religious, language, and/or cultural programs after school. If I sat in school all day, I'd want to move my body and interact with others too. The solution is not removing extracurricular activities that are healthy or motivating or valued. The solution is for schools to limit homework. Given that there is still homework as a reality--I'd like advice on when to have child do homework AFTER sports or extracurricular activity. When is the best time for homework if the goal is to go to bed on time (in my house in bed around 9 pm)? Between extracurricular and dinner--when the kid is tired? After dinner? My child is in 7th grade and I still can't figure it out. What do others do/think?

I found school to be extremely boring, as a teen. Looking back I realize that I hadn't found the work challenging enough. Personally, I struggled with this all through high school. I was completely disinterested in school, as a result.

I noticed that there wasn't a section addressing situations where children, who are motivated by challenges, do poorly as a result of boredom.

I enjoy reading many of the articles; even those which don't necessarily apply to my current situations with my child. One never knows what obstacles or challenges one may come across. Thank you

Here's what I know. Correcting our children when their behavior is displeasing is what most parents focus on. Without a lot of explanation I'm going to try to get you to change your focus. All children have 4 emotional needs:

1. A sense of belonging

2. A sense of personal power

3. To be heard and understood

4. Limits and boundaries

Rather than focus on your child's behavior, focus on meeting these needs. Meet the needs, change the behavior. There a 25 ways to meet these needs. One of the most effective is to spend regular one-on-one time with your child doing what your child wants to do. How do you spell love? T-I-M-E. It seems counter-intuitive, but just try it for a week. Do this for 1/2 hour every day for a week. See what happens.

Frustrated Confused Parent, I went through similar challenges with my son when he was in high school. As a grade school student his grades were always B and higher. The changes began when his mother and I separated; my son was 12yo. Prior to our separation I was the one who maintained, and enforced the habit of completing his assignments before extracurricular activities could be enjoyed. His mother never felt she had the patience or intelligence to assist him with his homework assignments and upon our separation she completely ignored his school work. Although he continued to follow the structure I had established through grade school, he soon began to realize that no one was showing interest any longer and, thus, began shirking school related responsibilities. My son and I were, and still are, close. I am certain that the separation likely had some affect on him, but it was more than that. He was reaching his teens and becoming more self-aware. Friends began to play a more integral and influential part in his life. Unfortunately my son's grades began slipping as he reached his early teens. For me, this was extremely frustrating since I was aware of how intelligent he was and of what he was capable. After many aggravating, lengthy, heated, and unyielding conversations with his mother about maintaining the structure established through grade school, it became clear she was incapable or simply unwilling. Essentially, he was on his own. Of course I would do whatever I could to help. For starters, I facilitated a transfer to a Charter School, realizing that he needed more individualized attention than that which a public school could provide. It seemed as though he was getting 'lost in the shuffle'.

Unfortunately the damage had already been done. After two years under his mother's lack of tutelage my son had developed some poor habits.

He struggled with maintaining good grades throughout his high school career. By 'maintaining good grades' I mean that he would take a grading of 45 in math and bring it to a 70 within three weeks of the end of a marking period. He ALWAYS passed, though. He would somehow get his grades to or even above passing by the end of the period. As I began to see this, I began to have more faith knowing that when the going got tough he would step up and take charge. It also indicated that he did well with what might perceive as an impossible goal. So, I started to have faith that he'd find his way.

He has since graduated, he has a good-paying job, and he is beginning school to become an electrician within the next month or so. In two weeks he moves into his own apartment, also. He's never done drugs, never drank alcohol, and never started smoking cigarettes. All of which I have done as a teen and well into my adult years. I am in recovery. My son is aware of my own struggles. Most importantly, I believe, is that he has a complete understanding that we all struggle in our own ways. Working through the difficulties, challenges, and obstacles are what makes us stronger and it's our compassion for others, and ourselves, which help us grow into decent adults.

I came to realize that the 'grades' he received in school had nothing to do with the amazing adult he's become; it was literally everything else.

NanaRound2 My 6 year old grandson has just taken 2 hours to write a list and write 3 sentences. He thinks if the words were shorter it wouldn't take so long. Already went through this with his dad. I celebrated more than he did when he graduated. Can't drag More another kid through school. Losing my mind and like the previous comment have tried EVERYTHING.

Yeah -been there, done that. Doesn't work. At least not for my child. I've read every *actual* parenting book out there ( You know, the books publishes by Harvard & Stanford professors who've been studying parenting and child psychology for the past 30 years?) ... and you're all missing something - because I've tried it all.

My kid DGAF. This was almost painful to read. "oh, yup - tried that one. That one too. Oh, hey - I've tried that as well."

This is so frustrating; tell me something I haven't already tried 50 times.

Psych Fan I'm with you my sophomore son DGAF . I tried so much stuff even set time stuff and he just doesn't go get his work out. He's 5'9 so I am 5'1 and I can't move him to do stuff . All he does is debate with me that More Grades really don't matter that he's like I'm just going to get D's because I'm not going to care to do better because I do not like school. He doesn't understand why I don't approve of D grades because I know he has better potential but he's like D grades I will pass and get my diploma .

The first thing on the list is to try and stay calm. While doing homework with my children I'm usually very calm. When I do get frustrated I'll leave the room for a moment, wash my face, and take a few deep breaths until I calm down. Or I'll make hot chocolate to help calm my nerves. It's not a perfect system, but what is?

Number two is to set clear expectations around homework time and responsibilities. We have a standard homework time at our house, with a timer and everything. If our kids meet the homework time goal they'll be rewarded later in the evening with family time. Each of our kids know their roles and responsibilities in the house whether the work gets done before dinner or not.

Number three is a relationship with the teachers, each of whom e-mail us, some two or three times a day. Contact with them has never been better. They're teachers are all pretty awesome too.

Number Four, play the parental role most useful to your child...I have three kids. One needs no help at all, one needs minor help and advisement, while the third requires constant supervision or their e-mail might 'accidentally' open up. This we've provided through double teaming. One parent works with them until the other gets home, then they switch while the other goes to make dinner.

Five, keep activities similar with all your kids. We all live on the same schedule, if one of them finishes homework early they get the reward of extra quiet reading time-my kids are ALL book worms.

Six, Set up a structured time and place for homework. Done. Homework table with a supplies basket right in the middle of the room. Big enough for all of them to work at and then some, it's an octagonal table which my husband built. I also always have their 'homework snacks' waiting for them when they get home, and I usually try to make it healthy-even if they don't realize it.

Seven, start early. My kids have been doing 'homework' with me since they were babies, and (as I pointed out to them yesterday) they loved it. We'd learn about cooking, dinosaurs, amphibians, insects, math, English, chemistry, even the periodic table came up. We'd do work pages every day and they'd love it.

Eight, hurdle help, works in area's like math, but not so much with history or English when the problems aren't as straight forward. But we do use this method where it applies.

Nine, choose the best person for the job. I'm best at English and my husband at math. When I get stuck on math I know who to go to, and I'll even study in my spare time to get better at it so I can be more useful in case he has to work late. That being said, we both devote a lot of our time to helping our kids with their homework.

Ten, show empathy and support. Done, not only can I relate to my kids, but I've pointed out that not getting their work done will make them feel bad bad enough, and that that's why we should work on getting it done together, so they have something to be proud of.

Use positive reinforcement and incentives. :) There was this one time I sat my son down at a table with a work book about 400 pages long. He was young, not even in school yet. Next to the book I placed a giant bag of M&Ms. I told him for every page he got done, he could have one m&m. About ten minutes later he finished the workbook and grinned up at me. When I found out he'd finished the book, I quickly checked it to see if it was done well, and then pushed the bag of M&M's towards him and told him he could just have it...Now they get rewarded in video games and computer time...

It seems that according to this article I'm doing everything right...So why is my child still struggling with homework/classwork? They've literally just refused to do it. Have seriously just sat in their chair without saying a word and stared at the table, or desk, or screen- as the majority of work is now done on computers...I'll sit with them, ask them if they need help, try to help them with problems. They will tell me the right answer to the questions being asked and then refuse to write it down. I feel like I've done everything I can as a parent to help them, but despite all my efforts, it isn't working. So...when all of these things fail, when a parent has done everything right, and there is nothing more they can do short of taking the pen or pencil into their own hands and doing it themselves, (but that would be cheating their child out of an education) what then should the parents do?

When our kids don't get their homework done before dinner, they're sent down the hall where it's quiet so they can finish it at the desk there, while the other kids have family time. They are told to come and get us if they really need help after that. But at this point it's like ostracizing our child for not doing homework.

I agree with most of what's on this page, and our family lifestyle reflects that, but I will disagree with one thing it said. It is our job to help our kids and be supportive of them yes, to nurture them and help them get the skills they need to take care of themselves and their home when they're older...but it is not our job to do the teachers work for them, they get paid for that. Some days it seems like that's what's expected of parents. Some even send home classwork if the kids don't finish it in class. Which means the child now has even more work to do on top of their homework. Though I understand that the teachers want the child to finish the lesson, and were the homework not a factor I probably wouldn't mind it as much. I don't even mind them sending home study guides to help kids before tests (Which is what homework was originally) but to send home overwhelming piles of work each night for parents to help kids with, (Each child with different homework so that parents need to bounce from history, to math to English) it's unreasonable. When teachers send home homework, they're dictating what the parents can do with the little time they have with their child. Which is wrong. We once had to cancel a trip to a science museum because our child had too much homework to finish and there was no way to make it in time and get their homework done. They could have had an amazing educational experience which would overall help them get excited about learning with new and fun tactile experiences, but their schedule (and therefore our schedule) was being dictated by the teacher while they weren't even in class. Of course I try not to talk bad about homework in front of my children, because that would make it even more difficult to get them to do it. But children NEED family time, they NEED to be kids. To be allowed to get away from their work and be themselves, to go outside and play with their friends, or even go out to dinner once in a while with their parents. Homework has made it difficult to grow a relationship with our children beyond the confines of what the teachers are dictating. It's violating in some ways and frustrating in others. It's grown into this monstrous thing which it was never meant to become, and the funny part about it is that most studies done on it show that schools who don't have homework have higher test scores and graduation rates. Not to mention better mental health rates. Studies also show, that after a child is taught something, they'll only really learn it after a good nights sleep, and that no amount of homework will change that. Sleep is what our bodies need to absorb important information we learn throughout the day, so staying up late with homework might even be harmful to a child's education...

Sorry I guess that turned into a bit of a rant...In the end I was hoping to find something useful in this article, something I hadn't tried that might work, but I've done it all, and will probably continue to do all of it in hopes that consistency might be the key...It's just that even after years of already doing All of this consistently, it's still not working. It's as if my child has made a conscious decision Not to work. He's not unintelligent, he understands it, he's even been tested and found to have an above average ability to learn. He just not doing it..So what now? What more can I do to actually inspire him to do the work?

AshumSmashum Out of all of this, most of which I've read and tried a billion times, your comment hit deeper. My son scores in the 99% on tests but cannot sit down and do the simplest homework. He does have autism and adhd so when he freezes up on homework, despite More knowing it, I'm lost at how to help him get it done. He knows the work so why does he need to show it with 20 math problems after school that take forever to complete one? (whatever honors algebra stuff he's in, I was lucky to learn division lol) He has a high IQ and excels in all subjects and yet is being tutored, so far, in English just to get the work done. I'm so done with the emotional toll it takes on me and him at home. Nobody wants to go to work for 8 hours and come home and do the same for another 5 so why do we think our kids want to come home and do more classwork? I'm so appreciative of your comment!

JC Hi Barb, thank you for bringing this up! My son sounds a lot like you...and he really wants to get good grades and go to an Ivy League school. What could someone do to help an 8th grader in the moment of struggle, while making sure they don't get more More anxious from falling behind for the rest of the year?

Tb Hi Barb, I'm the parent of an 8th grader and I want to thank you for the comment you left here. You helped me look at the deeper issues and I really appreciate that. I'm going to approach the conversation with my son differently, thanks to you. Thank More you!

My 11 year old daughter, Alice, has always helped her 7 year old sister, Chole, with homework. But just recently Alice has been giving Chole the wrong answers. We have been trying to get her to give Chole the correct answers

but she always yells at us. She has a baby sister 2 months named Ray and ever since Ray was born she has been giving Chole wrong answers. I once overheard her and Kevin, my husband, talking about how she felt left out. She came and talked to me and said exactly what she had told Kevin. She also told me she has been getting bad grades and doesn't get her homework. Me and Alice talked and she said "All the cool New York girls get straight A's and ever since I started getting D's and F's they said I wasn't cool anymore." We started having her grandparents come over and she would yell, hit, scream, and talk back to them. She is a great student but she spends all of her time on her phone. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even at school she is on her phone. All I'm asking is that 1. How do I make her stop screaming, yelling, hitting, and back talking? 2. How do I make her feel cool and get A's again?and 3. How do I get her off her phone?

sounds like you have a number of concerns around your daughter’s behavior, and

it certainly can feel overwhelming. We would suggest https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/ and focusing on just one or two of the most serious, to get

started. Behaviors like verbal or physical abuse would be of top priority,

while behaviors like https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-walk-away-from-a-fight-with-your-child-why-its-harder-than-you-think/ we would recommend ignoring, and not giving it any power or control.

Empowering Parents author Sara Bean offers some great insight into the reason

for poor child behavior in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/.It sounds like your daughter is struggling to

find more effective ways to solve the problems she is facing, and the result is

the acting out behavior. Keep in mind, you can’t make your daughter do anything, but what you can do is help her to

learn better tools to solve whatever problems may come her way. Best of luck to

you and your family as you continue to work on this.

Emma Reed Alice also swears at school and she swears to teachers. Please we have tried everything, even her sister at age 18. What have we done wrong?

Being away from loved ones when they are struggling can be

distressing. It may help to know that it’s not unusual to see changes in

behavior as kids move from the tweens into adolescence, as Janet Lehman

explains in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/adolescent-behavior-changes-is-your-child-embarrassed-by-you/. Normally responsible

kids can start to push back against meeting expectations and disrespect towards

parents and other authority figures can become quite common. The behavior you

describe isn’t OK; it is normal though. I can hear how much you want to help

your daughter and granddaughter

work through these challenges. If your daughter is open to it, you could share

some Empowering Parents articles with her, such as the one above and this one, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you writing in. Best of luck to you and your family moving

forward. Take care.

mphyvr Thanks for all these "strategies", they might work for some parents, but quite simplistic and just plain old common sense for more defiant kids... Thanks anyways and hope this article helps many.

Psych Fan I'm a mom of a sophomore he's also a swearing boy and will have quite a tantrum even with consequences of take away all he does is sleep. He doesn't like school says school is a waste of time and that grades won't matter in his adulthood . He says More it over n over about how schooling won't help him in the future as I go it will help you do good on a ACT and SAT he is like getting good scores on those are only good if your going to college. He also is like jobs won't look at my grades . I tell him homework teaches him responsibility once a job sees your amount of effort in school your going to have a heck of time getting hired. I even ask him how is he going to succeed to work real well at a job when he doesn't work hard at school he goes I don't need to work hard at school but I will need to work hard at a job.

dcastillo68 If it was only this simple, but, in reality it is not.  Middle school syndrome is the worst.  Kids don't want to be labeled as nerds so they do everything to try to fail.  I went through that with my first born, and now again with my youngest.  It is More very frustrating when I was the total opposite when I was growing up.  I cared about my grades an I took it for granted thinking they will feel the same way.  Now seeing how they are happy with just getting by is really frustrating to me because I am such an over achiever.  They didn't even get an ounce of this.  Very very frustrating.  And I wish I have never invited video games to this household.  That is all they want to do.  I keep using this an incentive to bring them back on track, but as soon as I give them their games back, they are back to their old habits.  Sorry, but I can't wait until they are finished with school and hopefully moving out of state to hopefully a college career.  I may change my mind later, but at the moment, this is just how I feel.  It is very hard too when you don't get any help.  I find today's teacher to be lazy and pushing on more responsibility to the parents.  Who has time to do a full day's of work, only to do additional work at home?  okay, enough venting.

@frustrated single dad Diane Lewis Hi there - I have a son adopted out of foster care.  He is 6 1/2 and has been in 5 homes.  He is totally the same!  They learn this behavior and are incredibly manipulative.  They are so insanely smart.  I worry about exactly the same thing.  They turn on and off the behavior depending on who they are with and what they want.

We did Parent Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) at the Mailman Center (Jackson Hospital Miami).  It made a huge difference in the short-term.  They basically taught us to be full-time behavioral therapists with my son.  The effects wore off after a few months as my son adapted and found ways to circumvent the consequences techniques taught to us.  He is like the Borg!  I am going back to get more ideas on how to adapt and change and stay one step ahead of my son.  The gals there are really smart!

So, that being said - we have to be Jean Luc Picard and constantly change and adapt and outsmart them - just like changing the phasers on a laser gun!  It is bloody hard work.  And, harder the older they get -

eg.  He drops like a dead weight - throws his book bag and will not get in the car to go to school - response - next morning I headed it off by calling out to the kids "LAST ONE IN THE CAR IS A ROTTEN EGG!"  This has worked for 2 days now.  

Wont do homework 2 nights ago - response - "ooh I like doing word puzzles - Im going to do them and win" - this worked one night but not the next - he just then just left me to do his work - so I have told his teacher that there will be no school party for Alex next week unless he gets his homework finished - we will see if this works.....

It is totally exhausting and you have to be on your A game all the time.  Im telling you this but - I have to tell myself this too.  We have to stay really fit (like cross fit) and work out like a marine.  We have to be very disciplined with ourselves - a healthy body is a healthy mind - we cannot let up at all.  We have to stay calm at all times (again self discipline).  

Im always looking for concrete reactions to situations with my son.  Like I said - the entire day goes on like this with everything except what he wants to do.  Wont get dressed in the morning - put out his clothes in dining room where there are no distractions or toys - tell him that if he gets dressed and ready for school quickly - he can spend the left over time on the trampoline.  That worked this morning.

STAY STRONG MY BROTHER IN ARMS!!!  If you can get into a PCIT program - do it.

Love to you - R

My child comes home and says he doesn't have homework, does something easy to make it look like he's doing his homework, or says he did it during free time in class.  How do you combat this without going to the school everyday?  Neither my husband nor I can do More this because of work, and the we asked the teacher's if it was possible to send us the assignments via email or let us come pick them up once a week with no cooperation.  He is a very smart kid and gets "A's' on the work he does, but he is failing all of his core classes because he won't do homework.

@atmywitsend  , my child is the same way.  I'm at my wits end.  I feel like I'm a failure as a parent because I thought I taught my smart kid to succeed - and instead she's lying to me.

Psych Fan NinaMays I'm with the same feelings as my son can be above a C student but he choose to go oh I rather just get F's on this work than to actually get at least a B or A on these many assignments.. I ask him why he chooses F's More in many assignments when he could get a grade to bring his grades up and me telling me he's not being his full potential as by making him not do his work how can I truly believe he's going to be successful and he's like I have big brains . Then I'm like why not show me by doing your school work he goes I don't need do that and I show you of my big brains by telling you school isn't important. Telling me I am brainwashed. He is a sophomore in high school.

FRUSTRATED PARENT NinaMays This is my reality too - "relationship" with teachers is difficult when they won't co-operate with homework expectations, or follow up email - the schools complain that kids are on the internet - yet its them providing wifi passwords - so kids are playing in class - lying about More homework - and since I'm not in the class, I have no idea until report cards surface.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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Disrespect... defiance... backtalk... lack of motivation...

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