child keeps lying about homework

Adolescence

What to do if your child or teen lies about schoolwork, helping your child be truthful when he does not want to be.

Posted October 11, 2014

"That teacher is a jerk!" thirteen-year-old Alex yelled at his mother. He continued, "Mom, you always blame me for everything. Lots of people in my class did not turn those assignments in. And, anyway, that teacher hates me and is out to get me!" Sadly for Alex, after I spoke with the school counselor and some of his teachers, it became clear that Alex, like many other students with schoolwork avoidance problems, was quite distorted in his way of looking at things.

Sara, age ten, sitting across from me in my office blankly stared away when her mother pleadingly stated, "I thought you told me you were keeping up with your schoolwork okay. Then today I get that upsetting note from your teacher. I thought things were going to be better this year, Sara, but it is already starting not to look that way."

Jason, age fifteen, yelled at his father, "You always expect me to be perfect." His father replied, "No, that's not true, but I do expect you to be honest with me. I just wish mom and I could trust you to tell us when you are having problems at school." Jason answered, "Why should I trust you when all you and mom do is yell at me!"

As I discuss in my book, 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child , children and teens who lie about their school work only slip deeper into emotional quicksand! Like many children or adolescents with AD/HD, the examples above illustrate those who may otherwise desire to be responsible yet fall into a pattern of avoiding schoolwork and not being truthful about it. Being overly stressed out and desperate, such kids often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents and teachers. These children and teens are usually not trying to be bad or malicious, but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. For many children and adolescents, lying to avoid schoolwork demands is self-serving in the short term (e.g., avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions) but creates long-term pain and chaos.

What to do if a child or adolescent lies about schoolwork:

• Probe for and validate the child/ teen 's underlying fears without condoning the lying behavior.

• Acknowledge and praise when your child/teen is up front and open with you by expressing appreciation for it.

• Remember to be vigilant for CANNOT versus CHOOSE NOT. There may be an underlying learning disability or AD/HD problem lurking below the surface.

• Be mindful of the stresses that your child/teen is facing in or outside of school. Remember that students often act out social, substance abuse , emotional, and home adjustment issues by shutting down on their academics.

• Realize that as gamey and manipulative as your child or teen appears, deep down he or she is not feeling good about things.

• Watch how you speak. Avoid being critical and shaming .

• When necessary, seek support from school resources, including guidance staff, and teachers.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy . He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books 2007), Why Can't You Read My Mind? , and Liking the Child You Love, Perseus Books 2009).

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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Why kids lie and what parents can do about it.

How to help kids find honest alternatives to bending the truth.

Writer: Beth Arky

Clinical Expert: Matthew H. Rouse, PhD

What You'll Learn

• What are some reasons kids lie?
• What can parents do about lying?
• How can parents help their kids avoid lying to begin with?

We know kids sometimes lie to get what they want, avoid trouble, or get out of things. But there are plenty of other reasons kids might not tell the truth.  

Young kids might lie to see what happens. Kids who feel bad about themselves might lie to seem cooler. Depressed or anxious kids might lie because they don’t want others to worry. Sometimes kids with ADHD just talk before they think. 

What parents should do depends on how bad the lying is and where the lie comes from. If a kid lies every so often for attention, it’s best to ignore it and move on. If it keeps happening, you might gently call them on it. Say, “Hey, this sounds like a tall tale. Why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?”   

When older kids lie about something serious, the punishment should fit the size of the lie. Kids also need to deal with what they lied about to begin with. Say your child lied about not having homework all week. They need to do all that work. Plus, they should face a consequence like temporarily losing screen time.   

To avoid lies , let kids know they’ll be in less trouble if they tell the truth. Then follow through on that. You can also give your child a second chance to tell the truth. Walk away for a few minutes and let them answer again. And putting kids on the spot can set them up to lie. If you know what really happened, skip to that.

Finally, never call your child a liar . That causes more hurt and makes your child think you don’t trust them.  

Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework .

Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “It’s a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying about a lot of stuff,” he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.

Why kids lie

  Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth — or at least the whole truth.

To test out a new behavior

Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?” he says. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”

To enhance self-esteem and gain approval

Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.  Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: “They were kind of incredible experiences that weren’t within the bounds of plausible at all.” For instance, the boy would say he’d gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.

To get the focus off themselves

Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr. Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.

Speaking before they think

Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD , says they may lie out of impulsivity. “One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think,” she says, “so a lot of times you’re going to get this lying issue.”

Sometimes kids can really believe they’ve done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. “Sometimes they’ll really just forget. I have kids who say, ‘To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn’t remember I had that extra work.’” When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.

And then there are white lies

Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

What parents can do about lying

Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it’s first important to think about the function of the lie. “When I’m doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies,” Dr. Rouse says. “It’s something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?” He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem . “There are no hard and fast guidelines,” he says. “Different levels mean different repercussions.”

Level 1 lie

When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.

This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. “So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions.” For these kind of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.

Level 2 lie

If that doesn’t work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. “I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie,” he says. “I’ll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’ ” It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.

Level 3 lie

If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence . Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore

Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said they didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out they had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and they also have to sit down and do all the work. If they’ve hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you would also have your child write an apology letter to the other child.

Ways to help your kids avoid lying in the first place  

Let them know the truth reduces consequences.

For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. “There’s a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary,” Dr. Rouse says.

In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.

Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. “Sometimes the kid will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’” he says. “They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.’” Parents shouldn’t give in at that point.

Use truth checks

Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do their homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If they doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”

This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because they’re scared of consequences or they don’t want to disappoint a parent, they have the chance to really think about whether they want to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.

Use the preamble method

Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection, Dr. Brady notes. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.

Give kids with ADHD more time to think

Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at their paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check their work.

What parents s houldn’t do

Don’t ever corner your child.

Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if they didn’t do their homework, a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”

Don’t label your child a liar

It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what they lied about in the first place. It causes the child to think, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes them feel bad about themselves and may set up a pattern of lying.

Frequently Asked Questions

Children lie for several reasons, such as testing out a new behavior or gaining approval. Children who lack confidence may tell lies to make themselves seem more impressive to their peers. Children with anxiety or depression might lie about how they’re feeling so their parents don’t worry about them. Children with ADHD may lie out of impulsivity, speaking before they think.

To deal with a lying child, you can give them a chance to tell the truth, praise them when they do, and remind them that perfection isn’t expected. Parents can give children with ADHD more time to think things through before speaking, as they tend to speak impulsively.

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Why Kids Lie about Homework (and How to Handle It)

Editorial Staff · July 7, 2018 ·

When you were young did you lie about homework? I certainly did. I’m not always sure why I lied to my parents about homework, but thinking back after all of these years it occurs to me that one reason for doing so was that it seemed like a huge amount of work. There were so many other things that I wanted to do and see but all I was told to do was homework. I went to school for hours and hours a day only to come home to do hours and hours of more work. This got worse and worse as I got older and found myself doing three to four hours of homework everyday in highschool. Do your children lie about doing their homework? Do they tell you that they don’t have any work, or do they tell you that it is already done or almost done? There are few children who have not lied at least a little about doing their homework. The question for you as a concerned parent is what to do about this situation. Should you punish them severely? Should you yell and scream at your children, regardless of their age or level of maturity? Perhaps you should do nothing at all and let them suffer the consequences of getting bad grades. These are all different ways to handle the situation, but none of these options is particularly good. Let’s face it, you need some sort of strategy or plan to deal with this situation, and you need to implement it now. The less homework your child does the worse their grades are, and in the long run that turns into missed opportunities that they will very much regret. While it is good to not be too severe, and especially with a young child, you need to help your child see what homework is all about and why lying about it is wrong.

Keep track of her homework.

Your children are probably lying about their homework both because they simply don’t want to do it and because they have other things that they would like to do. Confront your child both about the lying and not doing homework. Don’t be angry or confrontational. Show them that you understand why a person might not want to do homework. If they say it is because it is hard then you might be able to get them some tutoring help to make it easier. If it is because there are other things they want to do, then use those other things as an incentive for getting the work done. Suggest that you will help them get what they want, whether it is play time or some sort of special toy if they can get their homework done. Explain to them that they can’t pull the wool over your eyes, and that you know when they are lying. This should convince them that lying is not an effective way to get what they want. By replacing a negative strategy with a positive one you should see quick results.

The other thing you need to do is help your children see why homework is a good thing and why lying is a very bad thing. Help them to understand that lying harms people. Many children don’t realize the long term consequences of the things that they do. If they could see how their actions actually affect someone they would be sorry for them. Help them to understand that it hurts you when they lie and they will be far less likely to do so.

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10 Steps to Stop a Child From Lying

• Establish Rules

Role Model Honesty

• Talk About It
• Explore Reasons

Give a Warning

• Provide Consequences
• Discuss Results

Reinforce Honesty

• Re-Establish Trust

Seek Professional Help

It's common for kids (and adults) to lie sometimes and occasional dishonesty usually shouldn't be cause for alarm. However, when lying becomes a regular occurrence, it can turn into a significant problem. One big issue is that if your child is known to lie, then you may not believe them when they are telling the truth. Teaching your child the value of telling the truth establishes the importance of personal responsibility, trust, and caring.

From preschool age on up kids begin to use lying for a variety of prosocial and covert purposes, using increasing sophistication the older they get. Lying can become a bad habit when kids see it's an effective way to get out of trouble or shirk responsibility. So, when your child tells a lie, address it in a straightforward manner and discourage it from happening again.  

Here are 10 strategies that stop a child from lying.

Make Telling the Truth a Household Rule

As a part of your family rules and values, create a clear household rule  that stresses the importance of honesty and truthful communication. This will ensure that your children understand that you value the truth, even when it's hard to tell.

Talk about the different kinds of lies and the damage each type can cause. Explain the various reasons people have for lying and why you expect honesty.

Role model the behavior you want to see from your child—that means telling the truth all the time. Kids can’t distinguish “little white lies” from other lies. So, don’t lie about your child's age to get them the cheaper meal at a restaurant, and don't say you aren't feeling well to get out of a social engagement you don't want to attend. Your child will imitate what they watch you do.

Discuss Telling the Truth vs. Lying

No matter how old your child is, it’s important to explain the difference between telling the truth versus telling a lie. Be aware, however, that up until around the age of four, little children won't fully understand the difference between lies and truth.

With young children, it can be helpful to say things like, "If I said the sky was green, would that be the truth or a lie?" Talk about the potential consequences of being dishonest, such as that people will stop believing what you say.

It's equally important to talk about telling the truth versus being brutally honest. Kids need to learn that they don’t necessarily need to announce, “That’s an ugly shirt," or "You have pimples," just because it’s honest. Balancing honesty with compassion is a sophisticated social skill that you should aim to start teaching early.

Additionally, talk to your child about what will happen if they are caught lying. Discussing consequences for dishonestly before it happens can act as a deterrent and will also help you both know exactly what to do if/when lying occurs.

Distinguish the Reason for the Lie

There are three main reasons kids lie are fantasy, bragging, and to prevent negative consequences . When you distinguish the likely reason for the lie, it can help you develop a plan to respond to it.

Preschoolers often tell fantasy lies. If your child says, “I went to the moon last night,” ask, “Is that something that’s really true? Or something you wish was true?” This can help kids understand the difference between reality and make-believe. However, if your child is simply playing pretend, it's OK to indulge in the fantasy—as long as everyone is aware that it's fiction rather than fact.

If a child lies because they are bragging, it may be because they have low self-esteem or want to gain attention . They may benefit from learning new social skills and from engaging in positive activities to boost their self-esteem.

Avoiding Responsibility

Many kids lie to get out of trouble sometimes. It’s important that their lies aren’t successful. Instead, make it clear to your kids that you will be double-checking the facts.

Another component of using lies to avoid responsibility is that kids may use lying to workaround expectations or to get to do what they want. Examples include lies of omission, ignoring, or partial truths, such as a child who may claim to need to use the bathroom to get out of unloading the dishwasher—they may use the toilet but then never return to the kitchen.

Additionally, be aware that children with attention-deficient/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are more prone to lying. The common ADHD symptoms of forgetfulness, impulsivity, and disorganization can result in a predisposition to dishonesty—often magnified by misunderstandings.

For example, you might ask a child to put away their toys, then when they haven't done it, they might stubbornly insist you never told them to do it. This may not really be a lie—they may actually have forgotten about your directive.

However, don't let their diagnosis become a free pass. Simply remember to consider how ADHD may impact your child's honesty and aim to bolster the skills and support they may need more help with.

Give kids one warning when you are fairly confident you caught them in a lie. For example, calmly say, “I’ll give you one more chance to tell me the truth. If I catch you lying, you will receive an extra consequence.”

It's also helpful to reiterate what the consequence will be for dishonesty. But focus on teaching responsibility and honesty, rather than on blaming or shaming your child. Keeping your tone calm and compassionate also helps. If you are angry, yelling, or threatening, your child will feel less comfortable coming clean.

Provide an Extra Consequence

Give your child an extra consequence when you catch them lying. For example, instead of just taking away their electronics for the day, give them extra chores to do as well. Take away privileges and/or use restitution as a consequence for telling a lie.

Make sure the consequence is appropriate and fair. Avoid the temptation to go overboard on punishments. If you heap on consequences or are prone to overreacting, your child is likely to walk away thinking about how unfair their parent is rather than focusing on their misdeed.

Discuss Natural Consequences

Talk to your child about the natural consequences of lying. Explain that dishonesty will make it hard for you to believe them next time, even when they're telling the truth. And other people don't tend to like or trust people who are known to tell lies.

Catch your child telling the truth and provide positive reinforcement . Praise them by saying, “I know that must have been hard to tell me that you broke that dish, but I’m so glad that you chose to be honest about it.”

Help Your Child Re-Establish Trust

If your child has a bad habit of lying, develop a plan to help them re-establish trust. For example, create a behavior contract that links more privileges to honesty. When they tell the truth, they'll be one step closer to earning back more privileges.

There are times when lying can become a serious problem for children. If your child’s lying seems to be pathological, or it causes problems for your child at school or with peers, seek professional help to address their lying.

A Word From Verywell

All kids will lie occasionally but it's vital to nip dishonesty in the bud so that it doesn't become habitual. Kids have a variety of reasons for lying but the most common, and worrisome, one is keeping out of trouble. Once your child knows you expect the truth (and you consistently back up this expectation with consequences), you'll likely see much more honesty in your home.

Evans AD, Lee K. Emergence of lying in very young children .  Dev Psychol . 2013;49(10):1958-1963. doi:10.1037/a0031409

Lee K. Little liars: development of verbal deception in children .  Child Dev Perspect . 2013;7(2):91-96. doi:10.1111/cdep.12023

American Academy of Pediatrics. When children lie .

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Role models and children .

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Lying and children .

Evans AD, Lee K. Verbal deception from late childhood to middle adolescence and its relation to executive functioning skills .  Dev Psychol . 2011;47(4):1108-1116. doi:10.1037/a0023425

National Institute of Mental Health. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder .

American Academy of Pediatrics. What's the best way to discipline my child? .

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Praise, imitation, and description .

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Lying and Children .

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, an international bestselling author of books on mental strength and host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time.

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Why do kids lie?

All kids lie sometimes, for different reasons and at different ages. Here's how to encourage your child to be honest.

Why kids lie: Ages 3 to 4

Age-appropriate consequences for lying: ages 3 to 4, why kids lie: ages 5 to 8, age-appropriate consequences for lying: ages 5 to 8.

It's impossible for your 2- or 3-year-old to grasp the concept of lying: At this age, children don't yet understand the difference between fantasy and reality. They don't realize that fibbing can help them, say, avoid doing things they don't want to do.

By the time they're about 5 to 6 years old, however, kids understand both that lying is wrong and that it may get them something they want in the moment – and your strategies for managing untruths will probably need to change.

Many lies stem from a lack of social or problem-solving skills, which young children have yet to learn. Remember that every child lies – it's just a matter of when you'll catch yours spinning a tall tale or denying a misdeed you caught them in the act of committing.

Try to resist the impulse to punish or get angry, which will only escalate the issue without solving it. Instead, see lying as an opportunity to work on the cause behind the lie.

Lying usually begins at around 3 years of age, though your child's first lie may come a bit earlier or later.

When children this age lie, they aren't trying to deceive you on purpose. Your child may simply grasp that you can't read their thoughts – and it's exciting to realize that they can say something that's not true and you won't realize it's a lie. At the same time, they don't realize that lying is wrong.

At 3 and 4 years old, lies may stem from:

• Wishful thinking – or an active imagination. Children have a rich fantasy life, and they may think that what they conjure up in their heads is actually true. In other words, your child may not understand the moral concept of lying, or the difference between truth and falsehood. For example, when your child firmly declares that they didn't break your vase, they're not really trying to get away with something. They're just wishing it didn't happen – so much so that they're convinced they had nothing to do with it.
• Exploration and curiosity. When kids discover that they can lie, they might simply be curious to find out what happens when they do. Your child might hide their scarf and tell you they have no idea where it is just as you're heading out the door, just to see how you react. In that situation, fibs are part of an exploration of ideas.
• A need to test limits. Kids are knee-deep in testing parental boundaries and their own power at this age. Your child might come to you and, without batting an eye, ask to watch TV, claiming they haven't watched anything today – meanwhile, you already know they used up their daily screen time hours ago. As frustrating as it is, this kind of truth-stretching is normal.
• A desire to avoid disapproval. Your youngster knows that a misdeed will disappoint you. Rather than face your displeasure, they may choose to lie about it.
• Fear of punishment. Similarly, if you saw your child spill their juice, but they deny it, your little one naturally wishes they hadn't made a mess and doesn't want to face consequences for the slip-up.
• A craving for attention. Your child has figured out that telling a tall tale is a surefire way to get a response out of you – even if it's a negative one. For example, saying they swam all the way across an Olympic-sized pool alone is a way of seeking approval for an impressive (though unlikely) accomplishment, rather than an act of conscious lying.

Punishments for lying at this age aren't useful. Instead, use your words to help your child understand the difference between right and wrong and develop problem-solving and communication skills.

Your goal is to set boundaries, encourage open communication, and provide a safe and supportive environment for your child to express feelings and needs.

Here are some strategies to try when you catch your child lying:

• Try to understand your child's point of view. If your little one sneaks a candy bar and then denies eating it (with chocolate smeared on their mouth), they're not a bad person; they're simply trying to get around the fact that they can't have everything they want.
• Offer an alternative. Model how you would have liked your child to respond. For example, if they deny responsibility for spilling their juice, offer a paper towel and say, "Let's clean up the juice." This way, you avoid getting into a battle about who spilled the juice, and you turn your child's attention toward the issue of getting the mess cleaned up.
• Talk about why lies are bad. Once you've addressed the unwanted behavior that led to the lie, explain why lying is hurtful. It's good to get into the habit of discussing these issues, but keep it brief to avoid making your child feel guilty or ashamed.
• Be consistent. Be sure you stick to the rules you've set out for your family, every time. This is especially important when a child's lies are linked to testing boundaries and limits.
• Avoid labels. Never call your child a liar – it will just make them feel bad about themselves and possibly lead to a self-fulfilling repetition of the behavior in the future.

Equally as important in dealing with lying is gently nurturing your child's instinct to be truthful and fostering an environment where honesty is prized. Some ways you can do that:

• Minimize the opportunities for lying. Instead of asking your child whether they forgot to clean up their toys, state what you already know to be true: "I see a lot of toys on the floor. Please help me pick them up and put them away."
• Be a good role model. It's a parent's job to be a role model of trust. Make honesty your best policy, and try to avoid telling half-truths yourself. For example, if your child's due for a vaccine, don't tell them the shot won't hurt. (They'll know in a second that it does.) Also keep your word – and when you can't, apologize for breaking a promise.
• Foster an environment of love and trust. Kids may worry that you'll love them less when they make mistakes. Explain that you'll love them no matter what, including when they do something wrong.

Between the ages of 5 and 6, kids lie more often – though they'll usually 'fess up quickly if you ask for more details. With age, lies become more complex, as children begin to understand how other people think and can use more words to express what they want. At this point, it's often harder to catch them in a lie.

Just like younger kids, older kids may lie to avoid getting in trouble, test your limits, or get your attention. They may also lie to:

• Get what they want. Kids may realize that they can avoid doing their homework or cleaning up their room – at least initially – if they say they don't have these responsibilities in the first place.
• Cope with social pressure. As kids get older and have more complex social interactions, they may lie to boost their confidence and seem more impressive to their peers.

Starting at around age 5 or 6, kids understand the difference between fantasy and reality – which means they know that it's wrong to lie. At this point, it's especially important to help foster an environment of trust, where your child feels loved and supported and doesn't feel inclined to lie to avoid harsh punishments.

If you do catch your child lying:

• Introduce the option of telling the truth. If your child occasionally tells a knee-jerk lie because they're scared of getting in trouble, you might consider offering them some time to think before responding. For example, if your child says they didn't accidentally spill paint on the floor, you might tell them, "I'm going to the kitchen for five minutes to start dinner. If you change your mind and decide you did spill the paint, you can tell me and I won't be upset." Remember, this tactic will only work if used infrequently. Don't let it become a default response that allows your child to avoid consequences.  
• Address the lie. Let your child know that you know they haven't told the truth, and that lying isn't okay because it makes it more difficult for people to believe them in the future.
• Put it in context. Try to get your child to think about the consequences of lying. For example, you might say, "How do you think Mommy would feel if I told her I made dinner for us tonight, and then she came home and we had nothing to eat?"
• Lay out the future consequences. Let your child know it's okay to make mistakes, but if lying continues to occur in the future there will be specific consequences. Then be sure to stick to your word.
• Follow through with appropriate consequences right away. For more serious or habitual lies, follow through immediately with separate age-appropriate consequences for lying and rule-breaking that align with the behavior. For example, if your child repeatedly forgets to clean up their toys and lies about it, you may ask them to put away their toys (the rule-breaking consequence) and then take the toys away for the rest of the day (the lying consequence).

For relatively harmless, fantastical-style lies, there are a couple of other tactics you can try:

• Know when to ignore it. If your child occasionally tells an innocuous lie to boost their self-confidence, sometimes it's best to ignore the untruth and divert the conversation to another topic.
• Offer a do-over. If your child regularly makes up stories or exaggerates the truth, you might call these yarns "fibs" and point them out upfront every time they come up. "That sounds like a fib. Let's start over from the beginning."

To prevent lying in the future, it's critical to foster an environment where your child feels safe telling you when they did break the rules or made a mistake. In addition to sticking to the same strategies that you used when your child was younger, try these tips:

• Don't beat around the bush. If you know your child made a mistake, sometimes it's best to avoid the opportunity to lie in the first place. Say, "I know you hit Sam. Let's talk about why it happened and how we can avoid it in the future."
• Let your child know it's okay to make mistakes. Before confronting a child about breaking a rule, establish the importance of telling the truth. You could say, "I'm going to ask you something. I may not like your response, but everyone makes mistakes. I will always love you. I want you to think about telling me the truth before responding."
• Reward truth-telling. In addition to praising your child when they do tell the truth, let them know that they will always face fewer consequences if they tell the truth about a misdeed than if they lie about it.
• Talk about your own mistakes. Tell your child about a time that you messed up and how you dealt with it – for example, when you didn't finish a work project in time but talked to your boss about the situation honestly. Because your boss trusted you, they helped you to come up with a plan to get your work done. If you lied or made excuses, your boss may not have been so understanding. This helps your child begin to understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that honesty is the best policy.
• Help your child to think strategically. Now that your child is beginning to understand the difference between wrong and right, explain that every choice has options – and that making decisions can be difficult. Talk through a specific example and how different decisions can result in different outcomes. For example, not doing their homework may mean they have more time to play tonight. But by not doing their homework, they'll miss out on an important learning opportunity.
• Build your child's self-esteem. If lying seems linked to self-esteem issues, try tactics to boost your child's confidence. Teaching your child new skills, such as how to play checkers, can be an opportunity to bond while offering your child a confidence boost. Pay attention to your child's strengths, such as in music or physical activity, and provide opportunities to work on those skills by signing your child up for a singing or gym class. And offer positive praise for their efforts, not the outcomes, such as "I'm proud of you. I can see you've been practicing your spelling – you haven't given up."
• Connect with your child. A great way to prevent behavior problems of all kinds is to connect by regularly spending quality, uninterrupted time with your child. Try to set aside 10 or 15 minutes every day that you label "Mommy/Daddy and Henry time" (you can even set a timer, to avoid debates about when it's over). Put away your phone and let your child decide what to do. Then really be present in that moment with your child, whether that's building a Lego tower together or just watching them play.
• Read a book together. Children's stories that deal with the issue of honesty can be a great way to bring home the concept of truth-telling. Some good ones for this age group are Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire , by Diane DeGroat; Arthur and the True Francine , by Marc Brown; and Sam, Bangs, and Moonshine , by Evaline Ness.
• Know when to ask for help. If you've tried all of these tactics and your child's lying is regular and automatic, it's a good idea to reach out to their pediatrician. A mental health professional can help a child establish the boundaries between right and wrong, as well as establish if lying is linked to other issues.

Was this article helpful?

The honest child: How to teach honesty (ages 6 to 8)

Lying: why it happens and what to do about it (age 5).

I try to discipline my grade-schooler, but he doesn't seem to care. What should I do?

Lying: Why it happens and what to do about it (ages 3 to 4)

BabyCenter's editorial team is committed to providing the most helpful and trustworthy pregnancy and parenting information in the world. When creating and updating content, we rely on credible sources: respected health organizations, professional groups of doctors and other experts, and published studies in peer-reviewed journals. We believe you should always know the source of the information you're seeing. Learn more about our editorial and medical review policies .

Nationwide Children's. 2022. Why Do Children Lie? https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2022/05/why-do-children-lie Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

Child Mind Institute. 2022. Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It. https://childmind.org/article/why-kids-lie/ Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

American Psychological Association. 2022. Speaking of Psychology: The truth about why kids lie. https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/why-kids-lie Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

Raising Children Network. 2022. Lies: Why children lie and what to do. https://raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/behaviour/common-concerns/lies Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

Cleveland Clinic. 2019. How to Handle Your Child's Lying at Every Age. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-handle-your-childs-lying-at-every-age/ Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

American Academy of Pediatrics. 2015. When Children Lie. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/When-Children-Lie.aspx Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

Child Mind Institute. 2021. What are appropriate consequences for bad behavior? https://childmind.org/article/what-are-appropriate-consequences-for-bad-behavior/ Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

Raising Children Network. 2020. Negative consequences: how to use them in behaviour management. https://raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/behaviour/rules-consequences/consequences Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

American Academy of Pediatrics. 2018. What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child? https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

KidsHealth from Nemours. 2018. Your Child's Self-Esteem. https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/self-esteem.html Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

South Dakota State University Extension. 2019. Why Spending Quality Time With Your Children is Important. https://extension.sdstate.edu/why-spending-quality-time-your-children-important Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

Child Mind Institute. 2022. Managing Problem Behavior at Home. https://childmind.org/article/managing-problem-behavior-at-home/ Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

Child Mind Institute. 2022. How to Make Time Outs Work. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-make-time-outs-work/ Opens a new window [Accessed March 2023]

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A Parent's Guide to Lying and Age-Appropriate Consequences

Yes, kids lie—and so do adults. The good news: If parents take a strong lead on a no-lying policy, most children will learn to walk the straight and narrow.

Why Do Kids Lie?

• Toddlers and Preschoolers
• School-Age Kids

Age-Appropriate Consequences for Lying

Getty Images / A. Chederros

As the primary role models in children's lives, parents and caregivers play a vital part in showcasing honesty. They also have the most influence on instilling a deep-rooted commitment to telling the truth. As children mature and acquire a more sophisticated understanding of social etiquette, parents must help children differentiate between little white lies told to spare people's feelings and downright dishonesty .

For maximum influence at each developmental stage, address the subject of lying in an age-appropriate way. Keep reading to learn how to respond when kids are caught telling a lie, including age-appropriate consequences for lying.

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, children and adults lie for similar reasons: to get out of trouble, for personal gain, to impress or protect someone, or to be polite. At a young age, kids will experiment with the truth and continue doing so through all the developmental stages, with varying degrees of sophistication and elaboration.

Kids might also be more likely to lie if their parents lie to them during childhood. Research shows that when parents lie to their kids, those kids have a significantly higher risk of growing up with maladapted behaviors such as externalizing blame and telling lies to avoid consequences.

"Teaching children about the importance of honesty early and teaching them how to resolve situations so they don't need to rely on lying will ensure they will be honest—most of the time," says Victoria Talwar, PhD , associate professor in the Department of Educational and Counseling Psychology at McGill University in Montreal.

Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2 to 4)

Because toddlers' language skills are just emerging, they don't have a clear idea yet of where truth begins and ends. At this age, toddlers also have a fairly shaky grasp on the difference between reality, daydreams, wishes, fantasies, and fears, says Elizabeth Berger, a child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with Character. "Strong emotions can make a 2- or 3-year-old insist, 'He ate my cookie!' when a baby brother clearly did not do anything of the kind," says Berger.

Remember that toddlers are trying to exhibit their independence , and they can make a power struggle out of any disagreement. So try a mild, diplomatic response that interjects doubt, such as, "Really? Then those must not be crumbs I see on your chin." Saying this helps avoid a battle of the wills.

Toddlers are too young to be punished for lying, but parents can subtly begin to encourage truthfulness. Consider reading a lighthearted book such as Nicola Killen's Not Me to illustrate the issue of truthfulness.

Around age 4, as children become more verbal, they can tell obvious whoppers and respond "No" when you ask simple questions like, "Did you pinch your sister?" Use every opportunity to explain what a lie is and why it's bad. Introduce the subject (ideally, soon after your child tells the lie so the memory will still be fresh). Start with, "Let's talk about lying and why it's not OK"

"It may not be a long conversation, but give them the message that honesty is important," says Dr. Talwar. In response to a lie, be firm and serious, and say, "That sounds like you're not telling the truth," or "Are you absolutely sure that's what happened?" Make it clear that you are not taken in by the lies, but move on gracefully after listening to and gently correcting your child. Avoid confronting the child further or digging for the truth unless the situation is serious and demands more attention.

School-Age Kids (Ages 5 to 8)

Children between the ages of 5 and 8 will tell more lies to test what they can get away with, especially lies related to school such as classes, homework, teachers, and friends. Maintaining the lies may still be difficult, even though they're becoming better at concealing them. "The regulations and responsibilities of this age are often too much for children," says Berger. "As a result, children will often lie to appease the forces that seem to demand more performance than they can muster."

But, thankfully, most lies ("We didn't get any reading homework today") are relatively easy to detect. Talk openly to your children and continue reading stories together, such as Be Honest and Tell the Truth by Cheri J. Meiners. Also, notice when a child is being honest and provide praise and positive feedback .

Most importantly, because school-age children are keen observers, parents should continue to be good role models. Be careful about what reflexive lies you may be used to saying—even something as small as "Tell them I'm not at home" when you are—can send a very mixed message to a school-age child. "No matter how much you talk about the importance of honesty, you undermine the message if children see you being dishonest," says Dr. Talwar.

But not all lies are all bad. Groundbreaking and widely cited research from the 1970s has shown that, in some instances, telling the truth is viewed less favorably than telling a lie, and that knowing when to tell a white lie is a signal of social intelligence.

As a parent or caregiver, you may find it especially challenging to explain tricky social situations where a white lie might be more appropriate than the honest truth. Consider when your child must offer thanks for a gift that they don't like. Help them focus on the positive aspects of the gift. Explain to your child, "I know you don't love your new sweater, and it makes your neck itchy, but think about all the hours Grandma put into knitting it. That's the really special part about this gift, and that's something you can honestly thank her for."

Tweens (Ages 9 to 12)

Most tweens are well on their way to establishing a hardworking, trustworthy, and conscientious identity. But they're also becoming more adept at maintaining lies and more sensitive to the repercussions of their actions—and they may have strong feelings of guilt after lying.

Forthright and longer conversations about honesty are definitely necessary, as there will be rare "little white lie" moments when some dishonesty is acceptable in order to be polite or to spare another person's feelings. When situations like this arise, be straightforward with your child to avoid sending mixed messages.

Start a conversation with, "You know how always telling your parents the truth is very important, right? Well, there are also times when it's important to be polite and not hurt another person's feelings. If we're visiting friends and they serve a lunch you don't like, it's not polite to make a big scene and refuse to eat. You should eat the food and say 'Thank you.' You're being a thoughtful guest who will get invited over to play again next time!"

Good role models are still crucial for your kids, so consider enlisting close family members or caring neighbors to guide your children through challenging social interactions. It's going to get harder before it gets easier, but there is a silver lining. "Children who have an established relationship with their parents, where they feel comfortable talking and disclosing information, are more likely to tell the truth," says Dr. Talwar. "But also realize that your children are not always going to tell you the truth. Taking a moment to think about why they are lying should help you respond to their lies appropriately."

You may be wondering if you should punish your child for lying, and the answer is no, not exactly. While there should be age-appropriate consequences for lying, it might be best to consider them as opportunities to teach your child about the importance of honesty as opposed to relying on punishment, which can cause feelings of humiliation.

The problem with punishment is that it doesn't teach a child a lesson in how to correct and avoid a specific behavior. Instead, punishment uses power to teach a child fear. Studies have shown that punishing children through force and shame can have profound negative psychological consequences.

Try using natural or logical consequences to help your child learn a lesson about lying. In other words, if your child lies and gets caught, use that moment to dole out a consequence that fits the crime. For example, if your child lies and says they cleaned their room when they really just shoved everything under their bed, a logical consequence would be to pull everything out and ask them to start over and put their things away where they go.

Afterward, reinforce the lesson by talking with your child about why lying isn't so great. By showing your child compassion, patience, and a willingness to listen and communicate with them, they are far less likely to take up a habit of lying.

Key Takeaways

When we think of lying, we usually think of someone being dishonest for nefarious reasons, but the truth is that kids (and adults) lie for many reasons, like avoiding confrontation. Teaching your child the importance of telling the truth and how to navigate situations when being honest might feel uncomfortable is an excellent way to help your kid build character—and self-respect.

Children and Lying . American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry . 2017.

Parenting by Lying in Childhood Is Associated With Negative Developmental Outcomes in Adulthood . Journal of Experimental Child Psychology . 2020.

Growing Independence: Tips for Parents of Young Children . American Academy of Pediatrics . 2021.

Telling It Like It Isn't: A Review of Theory and Research on Deceptive Communications . Human Communication Research . 1979.

Liar, Liar…Sometimes: Understanding Social-Environmental Influences on the Development of Lying . Current Opinion in Psychology. 2022.

Shaming School Children: A Violation of Fundamental Rights? . Sage Journals . 2019.

Related Articles

What to do when your child lies about schoolwork

Many children desire to be honest, yet some slip into a pattern of trying to dodge their schoolwork and covering up about it. After all, who wouldn’t want more playtime?

Why would children lie about schoolwork?

What are some other possible causes, how to break the cycle of lying.

Nonetheless, schoolwork plays an important role in a student’s learning process. In class, it’s part of the guided practice with the teacher, and when assigned as homework, it allows your child to gain some reinforcement of skills and independent practice. Another important aspect of schoolwork is that it helps your child to build up a work ethic and self-discipline.

However, what do you do when your child or teen lies about schoolwork? Here are a few factors and some tips to think about as you navigate through this important issue.

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According to Matthew Rouse, Ph.D., of the Child Mind Institute , the first step toward resolving this issue is to look at why it’s occurring in the first place. At times, children who experience difficulty with grasping a new concept or skill might make up excuses to get out of doing schoolwork, but there are other factors that might affect your student’s academic performance such as:

• Lack of motivation (common in some tween or teen phases)
• Too many social (or electronic) distractions
• Dislike for a particular class
• Feeling self-conscious about asking questions

Either way, figuring out the cause behind the behavior helps parents to support their student’s academic success. Usually, the first and best step is to conference with the teacher to share insight into the matter and to work in a partnership to help your child to overcome this obstacle.

However, if the previously mentioned possibilities don’t apply, you and your child might be dealing with other matters that hinder progress in the classroom such as:

• The possibility that your child has been bullied at school or online
• Changes at school such as a staff or administration turnover, since the readjustment period for both students and faculty can strike an emotional nerve
• Issues related to family where you might need to “check in” with your child to see how he or she is doing if there have been difficulties at home
• Issues related directly to learning and processing information

When you dig a little deeper to rule out any other possible causes that contribute to the change in academic performance, you will rule out some if not all these causes. Also, depending on your situation, you can look to teachers, school counselors, and even your family doctor for help. Possibly, your child is having trouble hearing or seeing in the classroom, which might warrant a change of seating or an eye exam and glasses. Or you might need to enlist the help of a tutor to help with learning strategies and mastery of the skill that your child is having trouble with at the moment.

If by some chance, you’ve determined that the problem is simply your child’s way of testing boundaries or expressing boredom with schoolwork, then a different course of action becomes necessary. Here are some tips to consider:

• Recommend to the teacher a change of seating if your child is visiting with classmates instead of focusing on schoolwork
• Change the study location at home to decrease distractions such as TV, siblings who have no homework, or a game system. For instance, your child can sit at the kitchen table while studying as you’re preparing dinner, which makes monitoring and offering assistance much easier.
• Institute some age-appropriate consequences for lying such as loss of playtime or playdates, or other privileges.
• Create a schoolwork log where the teacher initials each assignment after it’s been completed

So when you’re dealing with a lying child , try to remain calm, but at the same time let your child know the very second that you’re aware of the dishonesty. When you consistently ask children to “come clean” with the truth, they soon realize that simply completing the task is a lot easier than trying to come up with a story to get out of doing it. Finally, remember that this phase won’t last forever if handled right away, and your child will learn the value of being trustworthy.

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Marking baby milestones is certainly not a new trend. Parents have been capturing baby's first steps and words for ages. Baby milestones are always a big focus because they pinpoint important developmental achievements of little ones as they grow. The lack or delay of certain baby milestones is often a red flag for pediatricians, which is why so much attention is placed on them.

A new parenting trend taking hold recently is celebrating inchstones. While inchstones isn't a contemporary term, it may be unfamiliar to many parents. Inchstones is typically a word used by parents of children with special needs as they inch their way toward bigger milestones. So, why is the practice of recognizing inchstones growing in popularity, and why should parents get on board?

How much time kids spend in front of a screen is always a hot-button topic for parents. Constantly questioning how much is too much, how young is too young for handing over a tablet, and whether there should there be limits on devices are a few worries a parent has to think of. Although parents can monitor screen time more easily when their children are younger, by the time kids become teenagers, parents feel a lot less in control of limits, and the average screen time for teens could become a battle.

So how much is too much screen time for teens? Parents may be surprised to learn just how long the average teen is spending in front of a screen. There are ways to help manage teen screen time without making kids feel like it's a negative thing, especially if you sit them down and explain some of the effects staring at a screen has on their productivity and development. We'll break down the teen screen time battle to arm parents with the knowledge needed to set boundaries at home.

If you've made the decision to bottle-feed your baby, then you're probably wondering about soy formula. Soy formula is one of the formula options available to parents. Formula is for babies up to 12 months of age and is designed to provide growing babies with the nutrients they need.

Baby formula options include milk, protein hydrolysate, specialized, and soy. The protein hydrolysate formulas are typically for babies unable to digest milk or soy-based formulas, while specialized formulas are for premature babies and infants with certain medical issues. Soy is a popular formula for babies, but many new parents may be wondering what exactly soy formula is and if it's a good choice for their baby.

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Q: “Why Is My Child Lying to Me About Everything?”

Children with adhd don’t lie to hurt our feelings or to spite us or because they lack a moral compass. they lie because they are lacking some critical skills, and it’s our job to help them develop the tools they need..

Q: “When does the ADHD lying stop — or how can we correct it?” – VA Beach Dad

Hi VA Beach Dad:

I can’t offer an accurate “deadline” for when the lies will end since I don’t know all the circumstances: What specifically does your son lie about? Are the lies significant — cheating? stealing? — or are they more about everyday occurrences such as doing homework or responsibilities around the house? How often does this happen? Instead, I’m going to focus on the best way for you to help your son.

First, please know that children with ADHD may lie more often than other children. Their lying doesn’t typically stem from a place of defiance. It comes from feeling overwhelmed or challenged by what is being asked of them. Let me give you an example: You ask your son to clean his room. A little time goes by, you ask if he cleaned his room, and he says yes. But when you go into the room, it still looks like a complete mess and you’re left standing there completely bewildered why he would lie about something as benign as cleaning a room.

The issue isn’t that he intended to lie, but that the task he was given to do was either too hard, too big, or too complicated — he didn’t know even where to begin, so he froze. And when push comes to shove, some kids would rather lie and face those consequences than try to do what is being asked. Bottom line? For some kids with ADHD , lying is just easier.

[ Read This: The Truth About Your Child’s Lying ]

Second, know that how you respond to the lying makes all the difference in the world. I know this is going to be hard to hear, but I learned a long time ago not to take the lying personally. Again, I don’t know what your son is lying about, but in my experience, ADHD lies have little to do with disrespect or even hostility. They come from a place of confusion or lack of problem-solving skills.

Here are a few tools to help you help your son.

• Take the emotionality out of the equation. To be clear, I’m not saying you can’t be upset or pose a consequence. But shaming your child or even asking why he lied is going to get you nowhere. In my experience, it only escalates the situation and steals time from focusing on the reasons behind the behavior.
• Instill appropriate consequences. I 100% believe in consequences that fit the crime. So a natural consequence to your son not cleaning his room might be that he can’t go see his friends until he does. However, focusing on the root of the issue and helping your son overcome those challenges is just as important. In other words, telling your son he can’t go see his friends until he cleans his room isn’t going to get you anywhere unless he knows HOW to clean his room.
• Set up an appointment to discuss. This strategy is one of my favorites. When your child is caught with his hand in the cookie jar, the most typical response is for him to get defensive and deny! The next time your son tells a significant lie, present this option to him instead: “I understand that you might need to gather your thoughts to explain to me what happened today. Let’s talk at 8 pm so you have some time to prepare what you are going to say.” This strategy allows your son to have some space to remember the circumstances leading up to the behavior and to get his thoughts and emotions in order.

[ Read This: How to Reinforce Honesty in Kids With ADHD ]

Organization guru Leslie Josel, of Order Out of Chaos, will answer questions from ADDitude readers about everything from paper clutter to disaster-zone bedrooms and from mastering to-do lists to arriving on time every time.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / Lying

“How Dare You Lie to Me!“ How to Deal with a Lying Teen

By megan devine, lcpc.

“My 17 year old son lies all the time,” a mother said to me recently. “He lies about his schoolwork, what he ate for lunch and whether or not he’s brushed his teeth. He also exaggerates to make his stories more dramatic or to make himself sound bigger.

It’s come to the point where I don’t take anything he says at face value. He’s not a bad kid, but I just don’t understand why he lies so often, especially when telling the truth would be easier. What should I do?”

By acknowledging the lie without moralizing or lecturing, you are sending a powerful message to your child that being dishonest won’t get them what they want

Dealing with lying is frustrating and confusing for many parents. Unfortunately, teens and pre-teens often lie or tell only part of the truth. James Lehman explains that kids lie for many reasons: to cover their tracks, to get out of something they don’t want to do, and to fit in with their peers.

Sometimes kids tell white lies to protect other people. I’ve heard my stepson claim a “bad connection” while speaking to a relative on the phone, rather than simply telling them, “I don’t want to talk right now.” When asked, he says he doesn’t want to hurt that person’s feelings by saying he wanted to get off the phone. Simply put, it was just easier to lie.

Some teens develop the habit of telling half-truths or exaggerating about things that seem completely irrelevant or unnecessary. They might think it will get them what they want, or get them out of a sticky situation. Like many adults, kids can also be less than honest at times because they think the truth isn’t interesting enough. They may lie as a way to get attention, to make themselves seem more powerful or attractive to others, to get sympathy or support, or because they lack problem-solving skills.

Lying about Risky or Dangerous Behavior It’s important to differentiate here between lies that cover up for drug use or other risky behavior, as opposed to “every day lies” that some teens tell just as a matter of habit or convenience. Make no mistake, lying that results in, or covers for, unsafe or illegal behavior must be addressed directly. If your child is lying about things that might be dangerous, involving drug or alcohol use, stealing, or other risky behavior, seek resources and support in your local community.

Why Doesn’t My Child Care that Lying is Wrong? Adolescence is such a tough time: trying to fit in, feeling unfairly judged or limited, wanting to be seen as powerful even while you feel completely powerless. Teens and pre-teens are navigating some pretty challenging waters. For some, lying can seem like an easy way to deal with the stress of being a teenager. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology, an occasional fib from a child is nothing to get too concerned about. Chronic dishonesty and exaggeration, on the other hand, should be addressed – but maybe not in the ways you think.

We talk with many people on the who feel that lying is a moral issue. But even so, as James advises, treating it that way is not likely to help solve the problem. When your child tells a lie, giving a lecture about why it’s wrong is probably not going to help them change their behavior. Most of the time, they’re tuning out our words of wisdom anyway! On the other hand, if you feel that your child is making a habit of lying, you need to acknowledge what you see happening. Open a discussion with them and find out what problem they are trying to solve. Are they trying to avoid trouble? Do they think it’s easier to lie than to risk hurting someone else? Do they believe that saying something dishonest helps them fit in? When they answer you, listen to what they have to say carefully.

Related content: How to Deal with Lying in Children and Teens

When Kids Lie to Get out of Trouble In The Total Transformation Program, James points out that most kids lie because it’s expedient—it seems like the best decision at that time. Once you understand what your child is hoping to gain from lying, you can help them come up with a better problem-solving strategy. If your child is being untruthful to get out of trouble—for example, telling you that they took out the trash when they really didn’t—clearly state the rules of your house, and the consequences for breaking those rules. Remind them that they don’t have to like the rules, but they do need to comply with them. You might also tell your child that if they break a rule and lie about it, there will be a separate consequence for lying. (For more information on how to do this, please see James Lehman’s article Why Kids Lie and What To Do About It .)

Exaggerating and Lying for the Sake of Lying If your child isn’t simply lying to keep out of trouble, you might have to dig a little deeper to find out what’s going on. Start by saying, “I notice that you often lie about things that seem strange to me. For example, when I asked you where the phone was, you said ‘I don’t know, I don’t have it,’ and then I found it in your room. You wouldn’t have been in trouble if you’d told the truth. Can you tell me why you lied about it?” If your child is exaggerating a story, you might ask, “I was interested in your story, and then it seemed like you started to add things to it that weren’t true. Can you tell me why you decided to do that?”

Now I realize you may not get a great answer from your child. From some teens, a shrug is the best response you can hope for. But by acknowledging the lie without moralizing or lecturing, you are sending a powerful message to your child that being dishonest won’t get them what they want. You are also letting them know that you are aware of the fact that they were being less than truthful.

Kids often don’t understand how hurtful lies can be. Still, you need to remind them that not knowing doesn’t make it okay. Start a discussion with your child about honesty and dishonesty, and why they choose to lie. And remember, focus on the problem your child is trying to solve instead of on the morality of lying. You may not be able to stop your teen from creating those every day lies, but you can send the message that there are other options available.

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify, Google

About Megan Devine, LCPC

Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com , where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.

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Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I can understand your distress. Lying is a big button issue for a lot of parents and it can cause them to have great concern for their child's future. As Janet Lehman explains in her article (https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/), two reasons kids may lie is to establish identity and for attention - that may be what you're seeing here. Lying can be a tough behavior to address head on, after all, you're not always going to know when your son is lying, especially since it seems most of it is online or with his peers. You can hold him accountable for choices or behaviors he lies about to you. You want to focus on the behavior not the lie. You can read more about how to do that in these articles: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-lying/.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.

My son is 12 and will be 13 in Sept. For the last three years or so we have had issues with him lying, stealing and showing no remorse for any of it.

We have tried everything we can think of and are lost at this point. We love our son, my husband has given up on helping him, but he is our child and I feel I can't give up. I feel I have to find a solution for the lying, stealing and no remorse.

My husband believes at this point he is a pathological liar and nothing can be done. We have banned him to his room with nothing but a blanket, pillow, ater bottle, Bible and another book, telling him he can only come out of his room to use the bathroom. (Now of course he comes and sits at the dining room table for his meals.)

We have talked to our youth pastor and our son also attends youth group, but that is not working.

He has stolen money from me, sneaking my bank card out of my purse after we are in bed at night and used it to purchase an item for an online video game. He recently used his 9 year old brother's Walmart gift card to buy a gaming remote.

Any resources to help us help our son would be greatly appreciated 🙏

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can understand your concern. It sounds like your son is exhibiting several concerning behaviors. It will be most productive to focus on just one behavior at a time. Trying to address too many things at once can be overwhelming, for both the parent and the child. Because getting started can be challenging for many parents, I often recommend making a prioritized list of all the behaviors you are dealing with, and then focusing on just 1-2 of the most disruptive behaviors at a time. This allows you to be consistent with limit setting and accountability, without becoming overwhelmed. For more helpful tools, please check out this article: How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home (https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-create-a-culture-of-accountability-in-your-home/).

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

Julissa C My son Liam will be 15 in July.He lies eveyday for his life.He lies about whether he did homework or not. He lies whether he did his morning routine. I never believe what he does. I read him the story "The boy who cried wolf" all the time for More him to learn his lesson. And I also say to him "Behave like a 15-year-old, not a 5-year-old." I want my Liam to always tell the truth and never lie. Any ideas about this? Let me know.

My daughter (18) has been lying to me and her step-dad in what seems like almost everything and I do mean everything. We've taken her phone for a set amount of time, we've taken her car and even said no to events or plans that she originally had planned. She is lazy, having trouble making/keeping friends and then as expected gets mad/angry/disrespectful when we take things from her.

She lies about the smallest of things and big things as well. She tries to manipulate me and will say sorry and cry but doesn't change her behavior. She does great in school, she will be going off to college in the Fall 2023. She doesn't want to take responsibility for the simple chores or daily activities that she partially does or just doesn't do at all.

She behaves great and is adored by everyone else outside of the house. She has low self-esteem, despite being beautiful (when she tries). She is showing laziness in the extreme and serious lack of motivation except for school work.

I am scared of loosing my daughter, I don't want to have a bad relationship with her, as a daughter of a diagnosed NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) Mother who had to set hard boundaries and after 45 years choosing to not have a close relationship with my Mother it makes me super sensitive to that possibility.

Everyone keeps telling me that "that is just teenage girls these days" or "That is just how they are, they will grow out of it". But can the destruction and pain be healed that she leaves me and her step-dad with?

He is ready for Tough Love and taking away just about everything except the very basics. She is hiding in her room pouting and feeling sorry for herself.

Any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to Empowering Parents. I can understand your frustration and concern. The transition from minor child to adult can be a challenging one for both parents and older teens. We hear from many parents of adult children experiencing similar issues. We have a few articles (including a free living agreement) that you may find helpful here:

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/. Thanks for reaching out. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

It's a small ray of hope to find that I am not the only parent dealing with chronic lying in a teen. My daughter's lying started around 6th grade. And while we've had numerous discussions with her, she still lies. When caught in the lie, she simply shifts - but never backs down from her falsehoods.

Though she lies about things large and small, it's the outrageous lies that have brought us to grief. It seems like she uses these lies when she is stressed and when she wants peers to see her as special. So many of these outrageous lies -- it seems like no one would ever take them seriously (her ethnicity, her wealth, her travels, a Cinderella-type story where her younger sibling is preferred and she is being mistreated and sent to a foreign boarding school).

But as she has aged, her outrageous lies have taken on a more sophisticated tenor, but she has not foreseen their consequences. One of these was reported to her school counselor. After a concerned call from the counselor (my daughter denied the lie when directly questioned by the school counselor and got angry at the person who reported it to the school counselor), I took my daughter to a therapist. I was very honest with the therapist about my teen's stresses and her history of lying. We need help!!! Help with the stresses, help with my teen being authentic, and a safe place for my teen to get help and advice from a trusted adult because my parental advice is shrugged off.

But *presto*, three sessions in, my daughter has painted a picture for the therapist that she's homosexual and living in a fundamentalist Christian family (we attend church about twice a year). It's like some magic words have been spoken, and the therapy immediately shifts its focus to the big-bad parent. I get called into the office for a shared session, without being forewarned of the topic, and counselled about allowing my daughter to be herself as to her sexuality! I don't care what my teen's sexuality is--I just want her to be authentic and deal better with stress.

It's crazy-making! The therapist cannot tell me what my teen is saying in therapy without my teen's permission, but apparently feels free to counsel me (in front of my teen) to just let my teen experiment because that's what teenage years are for. Well, therapist, last year my daughter was telling people she was President Trump's disapproving niece spending the summer on a yacht in the Mediterranean!

Flash forward a grade, and now my teen has proclaimed herself *straight.* She's still telling small lies and exaggerations regularly. And she continues with big lies, too. I feel so let down--we needed help. We still need help. Everyone in the family is suffering in some degree. But I don't know where to find a therapist who is experienced in this. We are beyond discouraged and tired.

SalemTraveller Thank you for sharing your story. It looks like it has been a hard road for you and your daughter. I can imagine how frustrating it is to live with a child that comes up with stories that are simply not true. it looks like a better qualified therapist will More help your daughter identify the reasons why she is coming up with the ridiculous stories to draw attention to her or maybe something else. The incident with the therapist lecturing you about not letting your child be her “authentic self” is outrageous but not uncommon in these days. You daughter also seemed to figure our the “get out of jail card” with her therapist. So be sure to find one that is more qualified. One thing for sure, it not your fault and with a better therapist and hopefully your daughter’s cooperation, she can get help she needs and you get some peace.

F mcgee Perhaps you need to seek someone to talk tomlike a therapist as I am sure there are reasons you feel like this, perhaps you where bullied too or where lonely. For him find someone for him to talk to to be an outlet. Doesn't make you bad More in fact it shows you care enough to build him a support system

Loving Mama I am so sad right now! My son just turned 13 and boy am I being tried just about every week. Just a few weeks into the school year he was bullied in the restroom by three sophomore students who video taped him in a bathroom stall and uploaded it More to Snapchat. I was upset with the school for making light of the situation so I went to the media...and I have been very active trying to ensure this never happens to him again or any other child. My child has always felt I was overprotective and said I make it hard for him to talk to. I know that I am the Peter Brady type mom, I will discipline him but also explain why I upset and how he needs to pay attention to how he handles himself because he is entering manhood. My son is my heart, I truly am wondering what I have done wrong. If he can't talk to me, does that mean he is experiencing issues and feels alone.....I sadly feel that is the case. I try to talk about things alot calmer than I used to but I'm afraid he just remembers the past when I probably would be way more aggressive with discipline than I am now, I truthfully acknowledge that. I am on the fence because I know he is a good kid, he really is, but he is going through some growing pains that are causing him to not know how to handle his emotions I feel. I am trying my best to guide him in the correct direction but he takes my words like I'm just fussing for nothing. I know when he is lying, I know when he is being sneaky, he is my kid I know! He just feels so convicted when I call him on it, and as I tell him, he should! We are not supposed to feel good when we get caught up for making a bad decision! We should feel bad, and try not to do it again! That's the goal! I need help...I really love my baby, and I don't want a strained relationship with him

I am a working mom & I have 2 sons, elder one 10yrs

& younger 6.5yrs. My parents stay with us to take care of my kids.

My elder son is fairly decent in his studies, in the top 30%

of his class. He rarely lied about anything & even if he did, he could not sustain

it & used to blurt out the truth. Recently I am seeing a change in his

behaviour & today, it broke my heart. My elder son, some 4-5 days ago, came

back from school telling that some prize winner’s list has been put up in

school & the teacher has told he has come 3rd in his class &

he is might get a prize.  We were

pleasantly surprised & wondered how it was possible but still believed him

& asked him to check the list properly & come & tell us. He came

home next school day & told us that he has come 1st in class

& the teacher has made everyone clap for him. In fact, he told he has come

3rd in the entire standard in school. He also told all the teachers

congratulated him except his English & History teachers (he told that its

because they don’t like him). He also told the Prize distribution day is in

January & the teacher will inform the date. He said his classmate who came

2nd told him that he will beat him the next time & that his

other friends were angry with him as he came 1st. We genuinely

believed all what he told us. Today, out of curiosity, I went to check on the school

website where they update every child’s progress report. I was shocked to see

that he is not 1st in his class, he is 17th. I thought

maybe he has won for something else, so went to check in his school &

though, there was a list of the toppers of every class, his name was not there.

Nor was there any other list for any other prize winners. I went to his class

& asked him to show where the list is, he told me it has been taken down

& he doesn’t know whether he has won any prize & he will explain after

he comes home. He told me to go away & asked me why I had come there. I

told him I will ask his teacher what prize he has won but he begged me not to.

However, after he went back, I went to check with his class teacher & she

told that the prize winners list is on the notice board & if his name is

not there, he has not won any prize.

I am shocked & feeling completely low right now. We have

never pressurized him to get any rank or prize. Yes we told him we want him to

do well & get prizes but we never did we scold him if he has not got any

prize. I am unable to understand why did he cook up such a big story? We were

not even aware that any prize winners are going to be announced nor did we ask

him anytime about it. I don’t know how to handle this issue now!

I hear you. 

It’s normal to feel hurt and shocked when you discover that your child has lied

to you for no apparent reason.  At the same time, I encourage you to try

your best not to take his behavior personally.  The truth is, lying is a

pretty normal behavior which many kids (and adults) will engage in from time to

time to solve some kind of problem, such as avoiding a consequence or to smooth

over a social situation.  It’s also not uncommon for kids your son’s age

to tell stories such as this, because they wish the story was true or because

they desire the attention that comes along with such achievements.  At

this point, it could be useful to talk with him during a calm time about his choice

to lie, and how he could have handled this situation differently with more

honesty.  You can find more tips on how to address this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/.  Please be sure to write

back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take

EdaPrincess 

Lying can be such a

challenging issue for many parents, so you are not alone.  As Megan points

out in the above article, it tends to be more effective to view lying as a

faulty problem-solving skill, rather than a character issue or a moral

failing.  The truth is, all of us (adults and kids alike) lie from time to

time to resolve some kind of issue we are facing.  Helping her to develop

more https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/ can be useful in addressing the ongoing

dishonesty.  You might also find some useful tips in our article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/.  Please be

sure to write back and let us know how things are going with you and your

daughter.  Take care.

I'm a 15 year old going into sophomore year this September and last night I took my moms charger because I need to borrow it but forgot to put it back when she confronted me I lied saying a didn't take it. I don't understand why i didn't just say that I had borrowed it? Later she told me

She knew I had lied and I got defensive and almost lied again. She wants to know why i lied but i don't honestly know. Any advice or comments?

We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and

sharing your story. I hear how confused you are by your decision to lie to your

mom, and how much you want to understand the choice you made.  Because we

are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are

limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct

parenting role.  Another resource which might be more useful to you is the

Boys Town National Hotline, which you can reach by calling 1-800-448-3000,

24/7. They have trained counselors who talk with kids, teens and young adults

everyday about issues they are facing, and they can help you to look at your

options and come up with a plan.  They also have options to communicate

via text, email, and live chat which you can find on their website, http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ We wish you

the best going forward. Take care.

sharing your story. I hear your concern about your sister’s constant lying, and

how much you want this to stop.  Because we are a website aimed at helping

people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and

suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. 

Another resource which might be more useful to you is the Boys Town National

Hotline, which you can reach by calling 1-800-448-3000, 24/7. They have trained

counselors who talk with kids, teens and young adults everyday about issues

they are facing, and they can help you to look at your options and come up with

a plan.  They also have options to communicate via text, email, and live

chat which you can find on their website, http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ We wish you

I recently discovered that my 15 year old son is telling lies to his friends. He's said we went on holiday to Greece and we went to Devon. Said he's  been to lots of rock concerts and he's been to one and also said he's got 10 guitars and loads of equipment when he hasn't.

He doesn't know that I've found this out.

How do tackle this, please help.

It is understandable you are

looking for ways to address your son’s lying and exaggerating. It can be very

confusing and frustrating for a parent when they discover their child has been

lying. While lying is not okay, it is a pretty common way kids try to fit in

with their peers and try to be accepted. We would recommend being upfront and

honest with your son about what you found out. Then let him know that lying is

not an effective way to solve his problem. With it comes the potential

consequence of his friends finding out the truth and not trusting him anymore.

Focus on the ineffective problem solving aspect of this rather than making it a

moral issue. Have a conversation about what he can do instead when he is

tempted to exaggerate the truth or try to impress his friends.  Another

great article to check out on this topic is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/. I hope this helps to give you

some direction in dealing with this. Thank you for writing in. Take care.

Sophie I don't think she's necessarily describing at all the life she wants or is moving towards. I think she's lying to try and seem mature, interesting, and worthy of sympathy (one of kids' favourite forms of attention). My 15-year-old sister does slightly similar things - she has tons of online More friends (all girls her age), and they all make claims to each other that they are from abusive homes or they have serious mental/physical illness or are suicidal, and almost all of it is lies. My sister told her friends that she was hospitalized 4 times for suicide attempts (complete lie) and that we abuse her (also complete lie, we are a very close and caring family) and I think that after lying so much, she's starting to believe her own lies (that she's an abused child with a monstrous family) and create a fake life that she lives out through her contact with those friends. While doing so, she's become more detached from us. I think your step-daughter is enjoying weaving stories about herself and getting attention from that, and is becoming absorbed in it. She's 12, she doesn't need a phone at all, and clearly isn't near mature enough for one. Being too strict can make teenagers worse, but giving them what they want (even when it's bad for them) isn't the answer either. I'm no expert, but I think you need to break through that fake life she's created, and sit her down with you and her mother to discuss things with her. Tell her what you know about what she's been saying, why you're so concerned, and that you love/support her; sometimes deeply hurt honesty will shake kids out of their lie and encourage them to tell you the truth, or at least admit the lies. Try to spend more family time together to enforce the fact that she has support.

Sherry family 

Thank you for writing in.  It must have been quite

disconcerting to hear your daughter speak of having a troubled relationship

with her father when that has not been your experience in raising her.  As

Megan points out in the article above, kids and teens will often use lying as a

way to solve some sort of social problem, such as fitting in with others, or

portraying a certain image of themselves.  The most effective way to

address this with her will be to talk directly and calmly about what she

said.  For example, you might say something like, “I was surprised when I

heard you talk at church about your relationship with Dad.  Can you tell

me a bit more about what was going on for you when you decided to say

that?”  I recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I hope you

will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.

BethCaroline This is my son exactly!!! Please email me. I don't even care I'm putting my email out there. I am at my end. He is the same started lying about insignificant things at 5 or 6. Still to this day, he's 11, does the same. I have tried it More all. I feel he has very little remorse and doesn't truly grasp the concept of "it was the lie that got you in trouble, not the action." I have said this until I am blue! I am on the counseling question too. I have 3 other children that don't behave or act this way. I would love to chat. My email is [email protected]..

Colleen2680 

It can be so frustrating when a child seems to lie

constantly over small issues.  You are not alone in feeling this

way.  As Megan points out in the article above, it can be helpful to talk

with your daughter during a calm time after you have caught her in a lie. 

You might say something like, “I’m curious about what was going on for you when

you lied to me about washing your hair.  Could you tell me about

that?”  In addition, you might also consider coming up with a standard,

small consequence you can implement each time you know for certain that she has

lied to get out of trouble.  As for your question about counseling,

sometimes it can be helpful to work with someone locally when you are trying to

address a long-standing issue such as lying.  For assistance locating

someone in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.  Please let us know if you have any additional

questions.  Take care.

Mollyesmirh 

Empowering Parents, we receive many questions from concerned parents about

lying. The reality is, lying is often a faulty problem solving tool designed to

cover up for another rule or rules that have been broken. Despite how it may

feel, lying is not a personal attack on you, or a moral or character issue in

your child. I would encourage you to take a look at the behaviors your daughter

is lying about, rather than putting

all the focus on the lying, itself. Rather than focusing on the fact that she

lied about being late or lied about the websites she was on, focus on the fact

that she broke the rule about what time she was supposed to be home, or broke

the rule and went on restricted websites to begin with, and hold her

accountable for those. Lying about those behaviors is merely her way of

covering up the fact that she broke those rules, to begin with. James Lehman,

creator of the https://www.empoweringparents.com/product/total-transformation-program/ program, talks more about this in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-kids-tell-lies-and-what-to-do-about-it/. Good luck to you and your family as

you continue to work on this with your daughter.

My daughter is a beautiful 15 year old. I found out she had a boyfriend. I was upset but felt that I had to be OK with it.

We then talked formally about it (with my daughter and wife) to help be open with everything so she wouldn't feel the need to lie or do anything behind our back.

School ended for summer and my daughter has a female friend who often comes over.

Within a week of school being out, her friend spends the night. The following morning they ask if they can go to the mall (after all we're all being honest about everything right). I said yes as long as my mom (who lives with me) can pick her up from the mall in 2 hours because I work graveyard and I had just got home from work.

On my way to taking the girls I asked her sarcastically "your not meeting any boys over there are you?" They both said no.

About 2 weeks later my wife finds her on the phone late at night when she shouldn't be, my wife takes away the phone and grounds her from it.

My wife begins to go throw all messages and it turns out that my daughter and her friend have both lied to me to my face. They both met up with their boyfriends.

My wife and I took all privileges away from our daughter and she cried and said sorry (which I'm sure the apology was a lie too).

Now just tonight my wife calls me while I'm at work stating that my daughter had dug up 1 of our old cell phones... connected it to the WiFi at the house and has been communicating with her boyfriend and female friend for the past 3 days.

During this time she managed to sneak out of the leave the house to walk our dog, not knowing that she still has means of communicating with her boyfriend, and meets with him for about 15 minutes while I'm sleeping.

I'm afraid of what might become of this and could really use some advise.

I can understand your

frustration and concern. It certainly is not okay that your daughter is lying

to you, but it does not surprise me that she is. It sounds like she is in a

situation where sneaking and lying is worth it to be able to communicate with

her friends and boyfriend  because in her mind she does not have an

alternative way to solve her problem. When kids are grounded, or everything is

taken away for an indefinite period of time or a long period of time, it is not

uncommon for kids to sneak and lie as a way to solve their problem. At your

daughter’s age, her social interactions with friend’s and her boyfriend are

going to be her priority. Instead of taking everything away as a way to get her

to change her behavior, we recommend keeping consequences short term and

coaching her on ways she can solve her problem differently. You may want to

consider allowing supervised time with her boyfriend, that way you can monitor

the situation, and she will be less likely to lie to you about where she is or

who she is with. Another article I would encourage you to check out on this

topic is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/. I know this is difficult to be

dealing with. Thank you for reaching out. Take care.

My boyfriend has huge anger issues, he's been divorced for almost 15 years and has 3 kids. He teenage daughter is a real problem, but I think he's caused a lot of it. Anyway, I've left my boyfriend because of his anger issues and just today I found out the reason he was raging mad this last time. Turns out his 16 year old daughter was jealous and angry at me for catching her in a lie. So she turned around and lied to her mother, accusing me of saying bad things about her mother, her mother then called my then boyfriend and ripped him a new hole, he then stewed and steamed and became enraged at me so I left the relationship, before I found out the cause of his anger. So now this kid , had his anger not been an issue, has destroyed her father's relationship and of course he let it.

But now I'm really upset. I've been made out to be some villain. How do I let this go and not get it resolved? I have no intention of returning to that relationship plus he would never support me against his 'princess' and yet my brain wants justice. Irrational I know but there you have it.

sharing your story.  I can hear how upset you are with the way you were

portrayed by your ex-boyfriend’s daughter to her mother, along with his anger

issues and the way this was communicated to you. Because we are a website aimed

at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice

and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may

be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for

addressing your particular issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral

service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on

the types of support services available in your area such as counselors,

therapists, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach

the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org. We wish you

Thank you for writing in with your question.  Because

our site is designed for parents who are experiencing behavior issues with a

child, we are limited with the advice we can offer to you for your

situation.  Another resource which could be more helpful is the Boys Town

National Hotline.  Their staff are better able to answer questions which

arise for teens in their families, and could talk with you about your options

for how you can be more honest in the future, as well as how to handle conflict

with your parents.  You can call 24/7 at 1-800-448-3000, or visit their

website at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. 

They also offer chat, text and email options for support through their

website.  Take care.

I hear you. It can feel very defeating when your child makes

choices that are so completely the opposite of how he’s been raised. I think it

can be helpful to know that behaviors such as lying and stealing aren’t really

reflections of poor morals or poor upbringing. They’re linked to a child’s poor

problem solving and/or coping skills. When a child is faced with the probability

of getting in trouble and being given consequences, he will often lie in an

attempt to avoid that. While lying is never OK, it’s also not uncommon. The

most effective way of addressing this situation is by holding him accountable

and also helping him develop better problem solving skills. We do have a couple

articles that you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/. Best of

luck to you and your family as you work through this tough issue. Take care.

I understand your concern. It can be worrisome when your

child makes choices you know could result in serious consequences. The

unfortunate thing is you can’t make someone else see things the same way you do

nor understand things from your perspective. The best you can do in this

situation is hold your daughter accountable for her choices while also working

to help her develop the skills to handle these situations more appropriately in

the future. We have a couple articles that may offer you some useful tips for

dealing with this situation: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/. We appreciate you

writing in. Take care.

There are millions of parents (single & married) experiencing the same, similar, or worst scenarios. I commend you for trying everything you have been equipped with and learned in handling your situation.

I do believe in couseling, setting standards, and the "time will tell" stages, however, this generation is not like when we grew up. They are exposed to so much so soon and so fast. Threats, punishment, discipline, kicking out the house, etc. may not work for ever household.

What I will tell you is to not be an enabler and stand your ground. Everyone tells you to be patient and don't lose your temper but they are not going through it.

Kids tend to continue their behavior when they have a safety net. That safety net can be a small bedroom in a barn but if it means "I don't have to go home", "I'll prove my point", and "this will show them", it's good enough for them.

Sometimes as parents we need to understand that it's hard to let go but in some cases it's a must. It's like the prodigal son in the book of Luke. When you remove the safety net (set standards and dont sway) they have two choices.....listen/obey or test society. Either way, their true inner being will come out.

Don't give up but set an example. Do you think society is going to allow their reckless ways without consequences? Do all you can as a parent then step back and trust GOD. A boxer needs an opponent to fight with. Without an opponent, there is no fight. Fight by showing love, standards, and morals. Everything else, step back and just pray.

Sometimes we fight so long and they still go their reckless route, then we are left bruised, barely making ends meet, emotional distraught or numb, mentally drained, etc.

Fight and set your standards...what you will and will not tolerate...don't deviate. They run away, call the police and make a report. It's a must if they are under 18. Other than that, just prepare yourself for when they come back for you to put the pieces together. TRUST ME ! Some dont...but again, that was ineveible.

WHEN YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN DO, STEP BACK AND TRUST GOD.

J9 Words are Seeds

Thanks for posting this.  I want to give up on my daughter that is 16 that has been having sex, drinking and lying.   She has always lied about things that do not make since.  Her father and I have taken her car, phone, money and all social media from her.  I want so bad to give her those things back (because I know those things make her happy)  put I know I have to stick to my guns.  I have been in prayer for her non stop this week.  Her Father and I just found out of the things that she has been doing.  So much more I can say about the situation.  So thankful that you are telling people to trust in God.  My daughter has always been raised in Church and to know who God is and I am praying with everything I have in me that this behavior that she has stops.   All  I can do is Trust In God and fight by showing her love, standards and morals.  Trusting in God! Thanks

"Inevitable"

Sorry for any typos. ..

This article hit home. ......

Those of us with other kids.....how you handle the "difficult one"....sets an example and shows a standard. Keep fighting, don't doubt yourself or your parenting skills. If you need help or extra coping tools, reach out to friends, other parents, and professionals. When can learn alot from other stories. Keep fighting the good fight. Always pray !

It can be very upsetting when your teen lies to you about

where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing. Many parents feel betrayed and

wonder if they will ever be able to trust their child again. It may help to

know that it’s not unusual for teens to lie, especially if they believe you

wouldn’t give them permission to do something they really want to do. Lying is

a poor problem solving skill, even though it may feel like a personal betrayal.

Having your daughter leave your home may have been a knee jerk reaction to a

stressful situation. Something to keep in mind is that in most jurisdictions, it’s

not legal for a parent to make a minor child leave the home. You might reach

out to your local police department to find out what the laws are in your area.

In the meantime, we have several articles that give great tips for how to address lying and other

teen behaviors. One in particular you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/risky-teen-behavior-can-you-trust-your-child-again/ Good luck to you and your

daughter moving forward. Take care.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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• 4. How to Talk to Your Child About Lying
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What To Do When Your Kid Starts Lying

Parenting reporter

One of the delights of talking with a young child is that they will tell you anything that pops into their mind, completely unfiltered — be it a frank assessment of someone’s personality, or a piece of sensitive information it never occurred to them to hold in secret.

Children wear their hearts on their sleeves and inspire unconditional trust, so it’s jarring when your innocent little one utters something patently untrue.

Do they understand that they are lying? Did something happen that shifted their reality? Are they on their way to becoming a sociopath, or a salesperson?

How you react to your child’s untruthfulness will depend on their age and the circumstances. Kids don’t lie for no reason, and if you can figure out what’s driving them, it can be an opportunity to teach them important life skills.

At what age are kids aware that they are not telling the truth?

Toddlers “don’t understand the difference between fantasy and reality,” said Ann-Louise Lockhart , a pediatric psychologist practicing in Texas.

Throughout their infant, toddler and preschool years, children also don’t know that their perspective is unique, that other people have separate thoughts and feelings. They develop this skill, known as theory of mind , around ages 4-5. Until they understand that others may not know the same things they know — for example, who took the last cookie — they aren’t really capable of lying.

Once they are able to grasp this idea of competing perspectives, they become capable of understanding lies, as well as sarcasm and figurative language.

“For kids that are more developmentally mature, 5, 6ish, certainly, for most kids by 7, 8, they understand not telling the truth,” said Cindy Graham , a Maryland-based psychologist who works with children, teens and parents.

While lying is generally a negative thing, the fact that kids are capable of lying shows that their thought process is maturing.

“We want kids to have that awareness of, ‘Oh, I may get in trouble if I admit to this.’ It’s a recognition that there’s a negative outcome that may happen for me here,” said Graham.

Although we don’t necessarily want children to lie, Graham said, “those particular skills are really important for navigating adulthood.” It would be concerning if a child never lied under any circumstances.

“I don’t know of a single person whose kids haven’t lied,” she added.

Why do kids lie?

Once kids are capable of understanding what a lie is, “a lot of the lying is more based on avoiding punishment, and avoiding pain,” said Lockhart.

A child may be more likely to concoct a lie in order to avoid punishment that they view as particularly harsh. So parents who think they are preventing secretive behavior with big threats may inadvertently be encouraging further lying in the hopes of avoiding such punishment.

Of course, some lies are dangerous and do merit serious consequences — but the punishment doesn’t need to be harsh simply for saying something untrue.

Kids and teens also have a need to test boundaries. They will want to press against limits and see how far they can stretch them. This kind of lying doesn’t need to be tolerated, but it also shouldn’t be unexpected from a parent’s point of view.

If a lie is successful, kids may feel emboldened to try again. When lies are repeated in this way, “they’re not necessarily doing it compulsively,” said Graham. Their behavior isn’t good, but it makes sense on a certain level.

“They’re not doing it to get at you — that is one of the things that parents often struggle with,” said Graham.

A flood of emotion can also trigger lying. “Kids might have the cognitive capacity to understand they’re lying when they are regulated. But when they’re dysregulated ... if they’re afraid they’re going to get in trouble, or they’re afraid that someone might be mad at them, they will do anything to preserve that sense of safety,” said Sarah Bren , a psychologist who works with parents in New York.

In this kind of a situation, she explained, “That’s not, ‘I know I’m lying, but I’m going to do it anyway.’ That’s, ‘I’m not thinking about the fact that I’m lying. I’m impulsively saying this thing to try to make myself feel safe again.’”

There are times, however, when lying can be a sign of a bigger problem.

“For some kids, especially teenagers, it could be indicative of a mental health issue, if it is a consistent pattern of lying,” said Graham.

But in most cases, lying is a normal, expected part of kids’ development.

“A lot of lying is more based on avoiding punishment and avoiding pain,” said Lockhart.

When should parents call kids out on lying, and how?

Even when it’s obvious that your child is lying — when the crayon scribbles are, literally, on the wall, and they’re saying it wasn’t them — confronting them immediately isn’t always the best idea.

Kids are likely anxious if they know you’re suspicious of what they’re saying, and they probably won’t fess up if you challenge them in public, especially if they’re around their peers.

“Reducing that defensiveness, reducing their fear of a negative outcome is an important way to approach it,” said Graham.

“Sometimes we gotta go underneath the lie and get in and help them to feel safe with us,” said Bren. Rather than making the accusation, “You’re lying!” a parent could say, “Hey, I think you want me to believe that that’s the truth.”

Coming in like a TV lawyer and asking leading questions in an attempt to trap them in their lie won’t establish the trust or safety needed for them to speak with you openly.

Bren suggested letting kids know, “I’m not going to be mad at you if you tell me the truth. We’ll figure this out together.”

If they’re lying about completing homework, maybe the homework is too hard, and they need help. If they’re lying about their whereabouts, or who they’re with, ask yourself, why do they feel the need to keep this information from you? If they’re engaged in a dangerous behavior, your response will be very different than if they’re simply testing limits.

“Occasional lying is normal, but when it’s an issue, it’s because they’re missing some skills that need to be developed,” said Lockhart, adding that kids may need help with judgment, decision-making or problem-solving.

“Coaching them through the problem-solving that put them in a bind where that lie felt like their only choice” builds skills that “will reduce lying over time,” Bren said.

Graham suggested choosing a “neutral time” to talk to them, not the heat of the moment. Pick a time and place where they can feel safe opening up about why they lied.

Starting off with “lying is bad” won’t help your child feel safe to speak openly with you. In a separate conversation after the fact, you can talk to them about how lying erodes trust and damages relationships. We do want to teach kids that lying causes problems, but this will likely come after working through our child’s particular lie.

If they’ve lied because they feel vulnerable, accusing them of lying or lecturing them about it will make them feel “more vulnerable, more dysregulated, flooded with a feeling of shame, which turns off the prefrontal cortex, it makes it very hard to learn new strategies,” explained Bren.

You want to be emotionally neutral. Storming through the door after parent-teacher conferences and yelling, “Why have you been lying to me about doing your homework?” is going to make a child feel unsafe and act defensively.

But if you wait until you have had a chance to cool off and really consider where this particular lie is coming from, you can knock on their bedroom door and say, “I hear that you haven’t been handing in your homework at school. You’ve been telling me that you’re doing it every day. What’s going on?” you increase the likelihood that they will open up, and then you can problem-solve together.

For an older child, Bren says you might want to ask, “What was going on for you that you felt you couldn’t tell me that?”

Lockhart suggested using language that will help them build up the missing skills that may have led them to lie in the first place. If you think they may have copied an assignment, for example, you might say, “I noticed that you told me that you finished your homework, and didn’t need any help. ... I’m just having a hard time understanding how you finished it so quickly.”

You could then lead your child to reason why copying an assignment isn’t a good strategy, as they still won’t understand the material, and offer to help them redo the assignment honestly. In this scenario, the “punishment” is doing the work over again — no additional punishment for lying is necessary.

In this example, “the lesson that needed to be learned is that you can be honest with me, and then I will support you when things are hard,” said Lockhart. We don’t want a child to conclude, “I’m going to lie more to avoid the pain because she’s going to freak out over it.”

“The goal here is to get your kid to talk to you about things,” added Lockhart. You don’t want to add punishments that will prevent them from feeling comfortable coming to you.

“We have to decide at this moment, what is my bigger goal?” said Bren. “Do I want to make my kid feel bad that they’re lying, because I’m mad at them for lying to me? ... Or is my goal to help my child not to lie in life?”

We may have to put our own anger aside and ask, “Do I want to have a battle over this lie? Or do I want to build skills to not lie?” she said.

Sometimes, Bren added, this may involve pushing past our own fears, such as: “My kid is going to be a liar. My kid doesn’t have any respect, my kid isn’t going to have any friends. If they keep lying, everyone’s going to judge me.”

Instead, we can decenter our own emotions to see that “my child is telling me something here, they’re feeling motivated to lie right now, probably because they’re feeling vulnerable,” Bren said. “They’re feeling shame, they’re feeling fear.”

In some cases, a child might not be comfortable talking to you or another parent, and you may need to find a school counselor or a therapist whom they do feel they can be open with. Try not to take this personally. Remember that it’s more important for them to be able to talk through things with someone than it is for you to know every detail.

“Generally speaking, kids are not doing this to be manipulative or to be hurtful, to get over on their parents or anything like that. It really is coming from a place of fear. And that’s what you really want to get to the bottom of and to help them through,” said Graham.

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clock This article was published more than  3 years ago

My bright teen is skipping homework and failing classes, and I don’t know what to do

Q: My 15-year-old son, a high school sophomore, has stopped doing his homework when he doesn't like the subject or the teacher, or when he thinks it's stupid, and he's now failing two classes. He has also lied to me about it; he got away with the lies until the school sent notices, so he has all but destroyed my trust in him. This has been going on since grammar school, but it's getting worse as he gets older. I've tried everything I can think of: therapy, taking away the Xbox, using the Xbox or other things as rewards he can earn, letting him handle it on his own, partial involvement, hovering, crying and screaming — and I feel awful about those last two. I'm trying to take your advice to be careful not to damage our relationship over things, but I don't know what else to do. Failing major subjects in high school seems like a problem. Am I wrong to be so concerned? He won't work with a tutor anymore, either. He's a smart kid, so it's not a lack of ability. Please help.

A: I am going to be honest with you: I relate to your son. I started to check out of school around sixth grade and stayed checked out well through high school. I was bright but had stopped caring about most of my classes, and nothing changed my mind. Paid for good grades? Nope. Punishments? Nah. Rewards? Didn’t care. Threats? Didn’t matter. I was only affected by a handful of people, and otherwise, I couldn’t be reached. And this wasn’t even in a pandemic; this was just the ’90s.

Send questions about parenting to [email protected]

As I see it, your son is a puzzle (as we all are), and we have a couple of the puzzle pieces in front of us. He is bright (a word that doesn’t carry much meaning), he doesn’t do his homework when he is disinterested in the subject and/or teacher, he lies about it, this behavior has been happening since grammar school, every manner of behavior modification has been attempted (and failed), you have tried therapy, and he refuses a tutor. There are many other things I don’t know about your son, including his health, any transitions or traumas for him or the family, possible learning disabilities or differences (yes, you can be bright and have a whole host of learning issues that prohibit learning in a “typical” way) and family structure. I could go on and on!

The big question is why. Why did your son begin to disconnect from school?

Although I can do little to help you in this note, I do want to keep guiding you to the “why” instead of the “what.” Of course we don’t want your son failing courses — no one wants that for their children — but our parenting goal is not getting him to pass classes. It is to understand him, so he can understand and help himself. At 15, he is well on his way to becoming a young man, and whatever is causing his disconnect from school is what needs your attention.

As you discover the “why,” you need to understand why rewards and punishments don’t seem to work with some children, especially when it comes to schoolwork. There is a time and place for typical behavioral techniques. Take something away that children love, they stop the unwanted behavior. Give them something they love, they repeat wanted behavior. Fine. But this only really works when children already care about school, their teachers and, yes, maybe the work. Caring about your integrity, what you produce and how your teacher feels about you is the primary driver of working hard, not rewards or punishments. If you have a teen who is accustomed to not caring about what his teachers or you think, then he is immune to your punishments and rewards. “Not caring” runs both ways; you don’t feel the “bad stuff,” and you also don’t feel the “good stuff.” As a person who didn’t care about a lot of things for a long time, I can say that it is a horrible way to live. I was wretched to parent and educate.

Let’s pause all the behavior-modification shenanigans. Let’s pause the fear of all this failing and what it means for his future. Let’s pause shoving him into therapy or tutoring. Let’s. Just. Stop. Repeat after me: “My son is not a project. He is a fully human young man, and he needs my support and love.” Repeat this over and over and over, then start getting curious. Invite him to eat with you, go on a hike with you, learn a video game with you, anything, and try to get to know him without an agenda. Every single class he is failing can be made up. Every single thing he hasn’t learned can eventually be learned, and I want you to tell him that. I also want you to highlight and discuss what he does well. He is passing classes! He is (maybe) doing chores! These failed classes are not the sum of his person, so stop treating them as if they are.

10 ways to take the struggle out of homework

I also want you to tell him that it’s typical to not want to do well for people to whom we don’t feel connected. My spidey sense is that something (or things) happened in grammar school that caused him to armor up, and the armor has grown thicker. And of course he’s lying to you. When people feel ashamed of their actions (not doing homework and failing), they lie, then they get in trouble for the lie (adding on more shame), which adds to more lying. Let’s just assume he isn’t going to do the homework for some of these classes. We can take out the extra shame layer.

I can hear you having a panic attack, and I know I have not told you what to do to fix this situation, but it is not going to get fixed. Your son is not broken; he just needs support. Please call your pediatrician for a good work-up, and peek around at possible learning issues. (Giftedness is on the table, too.) Please personally reach out to a teacher whom your son loves and respects, and ask for support. What got me through high school? A choir teacher, an AP English teacher, my Mom Mom, my aunt, and the fact that my parents didn’t give up and send me out of the house. That’s it. Find someone your son cares about, and have them start talking, hanging out, checking in, etc. As a former teacher, I did this and was never burdened by it; it is called community, and we all need it.

The most encouraging part about your note is that you know this is a relationship-first issue. Keep that as your North Star, and as your son begins to thaw, you can add other strategies, such as rewards and punishments. Check out Cara Natterson’s “ Decoding Boys ” and think about seeing your own parent coach or therapist. You are doing hard parenting work, and you need a safe place for your fears and big emotions.

More from Lifestyle :

What to do when you feel your teen starting to slip away

My son is sick of being online all day for school. How do I get him to do counseling — online?

What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?

Distance learning not working? Here are strategies to try.

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Let’s Call the Golden Bachelor’s “Divorce” What It Really Is

Gerry and theresa weren’t married long enough to intertwine their lives..

I was still foggy at 8:32 this morning from the rush of lunch-making, dishwasher unstacking, and child-to-school shepherding that I do on weeks when my daughter is with me, when my phone chimed with a text: “Who woulda thought? The Golden Couple already split. I didn’t think they would stay together forever but I would have guessed they’d be too embarrassed to quit so soon. I forgot; it’s reality tv.”

The incoming was from my friend and mentor Ann, who had gotten hooked on the Golden Bachelor at Slate’s suggestion (and wrote this great piece about being 67 and single when the show’s finale aired last November). It took me a second: Who was she talking about? Ah, Gerry Turner and Theresa Nist, the senior citizen–aged lovebirds who had emerged triumphant at the end of Gerry’s turn as the septuagenarian Bachelor. Officially donezo. Talk about out of sight, out of mind. As Scott Nover wrote in Slate on Friday about the end of the pair’s three-month marriage, “the American attention span for Gerry and Theresa’s abbreviated love story had ended.”

Well, I guess I have a little more room in my personal attention span because I spent most of the day trying to figure out why these headlines about the Golden Couple’s divorce were bothering me so much. Yes, I admit, I followed the ins and outs of the whole season . I had even found peace with their match at the end. But I found their wedding—broadcast live on TV—to be both boring and ick . And, as they gave follow-up interviews about their future together, I did keep wondering: Were these two really going to move away from their respective grandchildren in Indiana and New Jersey and settle in … Charleston , South Carolina, as they claimed they would ?

Now we know the answer is no. Per their rehearsed announcement on Good Morning America on Friday morning, they are splitsville. But I refuse to call it a divorce. At best, it is a “divorce,” the same way their relationship was a “marriage.” A divorce entails a splitting of assets. Discussions around family holidays and time spent with children. Decisions around who gets how much of the retirement funds, or the shared compact car. A divorce requires difficult decisions—notably, to end a marriage! There’s no way Gerry and Theresa had enough time together to assemble anything that requires a divorce as we commonly think of it. And even if they had to have some big talks about breaking up—deciding to get divorced can take some couples years!—how many discussions could there have truly been? They got married in January!

Now, it’s possible they’ll have an argument over that Golden Bachelor money , but I doubt it. Seems like the kind of thing that was worked out in reams of paperwork with ABC months ago. Surely they didn’t have a shared bank account at the time they were married, so they probably each got paid via ACH right into their own coffers—no stress there!

In case it is not clear by now, I’m speaking from experience. I am divorced. And I probably have one of the best divorce stories you will ever hear, in that my ex-husband and I are incredibly close, devoted co-parents and forever family. We have keys to each other’s houses, and we see each other all the time. Last weekend, our daughter stayed home with my (second) husband while I went to see a concert with my first husband. Can you follow that? It confuses people all the time!

But it wasn’t easy to get here. It was hard, because getting divorced is really hard! Even if, like us, you don’t own a home and things are relatively simple, the years of shared life and things and feelings are hard to parse. In the best case, you can end up like us. But often, the ending of a life together brings up so much stuff we try to shove in the back of the proverbial closet that the mess can never totally be cleaned up. Every divorced person I know tries their best. But there is a specific kind of lasting sadness—and often much worse—even when things are as amicable as humanly possible.

I am not sorry that Gerry and Theresa will be spared this lasting rubble. But let’s call the end of their “marriage” what it is: a breakup. They couldn’t decide on where to live , and things didn’t work out. It may legally be a divorce, but it amounts to little more than a short-lived, broken engagement.