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Mastering communication: paraphrasing and summarizing skills.

Two very useful skills in communicating with others, including when coaching and facilitating, are paraphrasing and summarizing the thoughts of others.

How to Paraphrase When Communicating and Coaching With Others

Paraphrasing is repeating in your words what you interpreted someone else to be saying. Paraphrasing is powerful means to further the understanding of the other person and yourself, and can greatly increase the impact of another’s comments. It can translate comments so that even more people can understand them. When paraphrasing:

• Put the focus of the paraphrase on what the other person implied, not on what you wanted him/her to imply, e.g., don’t say, “I believe what you meant to say was …”. Instead, say “If I’m hearing you right, you conveyed that …?”
• Phrase the paraphrase as a question, “So you’re saying that …?”, so that the other person has the responsibility and opportunity to refine his/her original comments in response to your question.
• Put the focus of the paraphrase on the other person, e.g., if the person said, “I don’t get enough resources to do what I want,” then don’t paraphrase, “We probably all don’t get what we want, right?”
• Put the ownership of the paraphrase on yourself, e.g., “If I’m hearing you right …?” or “If I understand you correctly …?”
• Put the ownership of the other person’s words on him/her, e.g., say “If I understand you right, you’re saying that …?” or “… you believe that …?” or “… you feel that …?”
• In the paraphrase, use some of the words that the other person used. For example, if the other person said, “I think we should do more planning around here.” You might paraphrase, “If I’m hearing you right in this strategic planning workshop, you believe that more strategic planning should be done in our community?”
• Don’t judge or evaluate the other person’s comments, e.g., don’t say, “I wonder if you really believe that?” or “Don’t you feel out-on-a-limb making that comment?”
• You can use a paraphrase to validate your impression of the other’s comments, e.g., you could say, “So you were frustrated when …?”
• The paraphrase should be shorter than the original comments made by the other person.
• If the other person responds to your paraphrase that you still don’t understand him/her, then give the other person 1-2 chances to restate his position. Then you might cease the paraphrasing; otherwise, you might embarrass or provoke the other person.

How to Effectively Summarize

A summary is a concise overview of the most important points from a communication, whether it’s from a conversation, presentation or document. Summarizing is a very important skill for an effective communicator.

A good summary can verify that people are understanding each other, can make communications more efficient, and can ensure that the highlights of communications are captured and utilized.

When summarizing, consider the following guidelines:

• When listening or reading, look for the main ideas being conveyed.
• Look for any one major point that comes from the communication. What is the person trying to accomplish in the communication?
• Organize the main ideas, either just in your mind or written down.
• Write a summary that lists and organizes the main ideas, along with the major point of the communicator.
• The summary should always be shorter than the original communication.
• Does not introduce any new main points into the summary – if you do, make it clear that you’re adding them.
• If possible, have other readers or listeners also read your summary and tell you if it is understandable, accurate and complete.

For many related, free online resources, see the following Free Management Library’s topics:

• All About Personal and Professional Coaching
• Communications Skills
• Skills in Questioning
• Team Building
• LinkedIn Discussion Group about “Coaching for Everyone”

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Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD – Authenticity Consulting, LLC – 763-971-8890 Read my blogs: Boards , Consulting and OD , and Strategic Planning .

Carter McNamara

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Effective Conversation: The Power of Active Listening and Paraphrasing

In today’s fast-paced world, effective communication is more important than ever. Whether you’re engaging in a personal conversation or a professional discussion, the ability to actively listen and paraphrase can make all the difference in the quality of your interactions. In this blog post, we will explore tips on how to have an effective conversation by mastering active listening and paraphrasing.

The Power of Active Listening

Active listening is a fundamental skill that allows you to fully understand and engage in a conversation. It involves giving your full attention to the speaker, both verbally and non-verbally. Here are some tips to enhance your active listening skills:

• Maintain eye contact: By making eye contact with the speaker, you show that you are fully present and focused on what they are saying.
• Use non-verbal cues: Nodding your head, smiling, or leaning in slightly can encourage the speaker to continue and feel heard.
• Avoid interrupting: Let the speaker finish their thoughts before interjecting. Interrupting can disrupt the flow of conversation and make the speaker feel unheard.
• Ask clarifying questions: If you are unsure about something the speaker said, ask for clarification. This demonstrates your genuine interest and ensures that you have a clear understanding of their message.

The Art of Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is the process of restating what the speaker has said in your own words. It shows that you are actively listening and helps to clarify and confirm your understanding. Here are some techniques to master the art of paraphrasing:

• Summarize the main points: After the speaker has finished talking, summarize the main points they made. This not only shows that you were paying attention but also helps to reinforce the key ideas.
• Reflect the speaker’s emotions: Pay attention to the speaker’s tone of voice and body language. Try to reflect their emotions when paraphrasing to show empathy and understanding.
• Avoid using the same words: Instead of repeating the speaker’s exact words, rephrase their message using your own language. This demonstrates that you have processed their message and are providing your own interpretation.

By mastering active listening and paraphrasing, you can have more meaningful and productive conversations. These skills not only help you to understand others better but also enable you to express your own thoughts and ideas more effectively. Practice these tips in your everyday conversations, and watch as your communication skills improve!

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The Power of Communication: The Principle of Paraphrasing

This lesson is a part of an audio course the power of communication: learning to communicate effectively by hans fleurimont.

Let's talk about paraphrasing and why in my view it is a very important principle to know and to understand. A paraphrase is an accurate response to the person who’s speaking, which states the essence of the speaker’s words in the listener’s own words. To put it another way to paraphrase is to express the meaning of something written or spoken using different words in order to achieve greater clarity. (And that what I just did was an example of paraphrasing).

So if I’m talking to someone and they’re explaining something to me, what I would do is paraphrase what they just said but in my own words. For example, let’s say that my wife is talking about her day and what she did at work and she is explaining the process of doing someone's taxes to me. So she says:

“One of my clients got all upset because they didn’t receive the whole amount they expected from their tax return and they threw a fit in the office.”

And then I would say “So they got mad because it was less than what they thought.” It’s as simple as that. You can paraphrase what someone says to you and you can also paraphrase something you said (Like how I did earlier). So now let’s talk about what goes into paraphrasing.

The Essential Elements of Paraphrasing Are:

• Condensed. A good paraphrase is accurate. When people begin using this technique, they tend to be too wordy. A paraphrase should be shorter than the speaker’s statement.
• Only the essentials. An effective paraphrase reflects only the essentials of the speaker’s message. It cuts through the clutter of details and focuses on what is central in the original message.
• Focus on the Information. Another Characteristic of a paraphrase is that it focuses on the content of the message. It deals with the facts or ideas rather than the emotions the sender is expressing. Even though a firm distinction between facts and feelings is artificial, paraphrasing focuses on the content of the message.
• Stated in the listener’s own words. The listener summarizes their understanding of what they heard in their own words. Repeating the speaker’s exact words (which is parroting) usually stifles or dry’s up a conversation, while paraphrasing, when used appropriately, can contribute greatly to the communication between people.

Example of Paraphrasing

Here is another example of paraphrasing:

Person A says “I want to bring you up to speed on a particular project. I talked with Claire, and she has been meeting with people at the state level for weeks about the funding. Things sound really up in the air. We should proceed with caution until we know more.”

One way we can paraphrase this statement is by saying “So the whole project is dependent on whether or not state funding goes through.”

This is just a quick example but there are many ways you can use paraphrases.

Always remember paraphrasing is very useful because it shows the person or people we are talking to that we are actively listening to them and that we understand what they are communicating with us. It is also helpful when you are teaching or giving instructions to a group of people. To paraphrase, it's a great principle to use when communicating. Believe me, the ability to paraphrase helps a whole lot especially in meetings with important people in your career and life.

Hans Fleurimont

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The Power of Communication: Learning to Communicate Effectively

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Mastering The Art Of Paraphrasing For Effective Communication

Have you ever been in a conversation where you felt like the other person just wasn’t getting your point? Or have you ever been in a situation where you misunderstood what someone else was trying to say? Miscommunication can be frustrating, and it can often lead to conflicts or missed opportunities.

However, mastering the art of paraphrasing can help you become a more effective communicator and avoid these kinds of misunderstandings.

Consider this scenario: You’re in a meeting with your boss, discussing a project you’ve been working on. Your boss suggests that you make some changes to the design, but you’re not sure you understand exactly what she’s asking for.

You could nod your head and pretend to understand, or you could ask for clarification. But what if there was a third option? What if you could paraphrase what your boss said to make sure you understood correctly?

This is where the art of paraphrasing comes in. By restating what someone else has said in your own words, you can demonstrate that you are actively listening and processing the information, and you can avoid any misunderstandings that might arise from miscommunication.

Table of Contents

Key Takeaways

– Paraphrasing is a valuable skill for effective communication in both personal and professional settings. – Successful paraphrasing involves restating the message while maintaining its original meaning and checking for understanding. – Understanding non-verbal cues and asking clarifying questions are important in active listening and mastering the art of paraphrasing. – Poor communication can lead to conflicts, missed opportunities, and workplace mistakes, making effective communication strategies crucial for success.

Understanding the Importance of Effective Communication

Misunderstandings, missed deadlines, and conflicts can all be traced back to communication breakdowns. On the other hand, when people communicate well, businesses thrive, projects are completed on time, and personal relationships flourish. The benefits of effective communication in the workplace are manifold. It fosters teamwork, boosts morale, increases productivity, and leads to better decision-making.

Moreover, communication is also essential in personal relationships. A lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings, mistrust, and resentment. On the other hand, effective communication can help build stronger, healthier relationships by fostering understanding, empathy, and connection.

Whether you’re dealing with colleagues, clients, or loved ones, effective communication is key to building trust, resolving conflicts, and achieving your goals. With that said, let’s move on to the basics of paraphrasing.

The Basics of Paraphrasing

Then, you should use synonyms and different sentence structures to rephrase the information in your own words.

Finally, it’s crucial to avoid plagiarism by ensuring that your paraphrase isn’t too similar to the original text.

By following these guidelines, you can effectively communicate complex ideas without copying someone else’s work.

Identifying Key Points

Identifying key points is crucial for effective paraphrasing, as it allows for a clear understanding of the main ideas being presented. When identifying keywords, it’s important to keep in mind the overall message that the author’s trying to convey. This means reading and re-reading the text to ensure that you have a good grasp of the main ideas and concepts being presented.

Once you have identified the key points, you can then begin to summarize the information in your own words. Summarizing information involves taking the key points and presenting them in a concise and clear manner. This requires a deep understanding of the text and the ability to rephrase the information in a way that accurately reflects the author’s intent.

By identifying key points and summarizing information, you can effectively communicate the main ideas of a text to others. In the next section, we’ll explore how to use synonyms and different sentence structures to further enhance your paraphrasing skills.

Using Synonyms and Different Sentence Structures

Once you’ve got a firm grasp of the main ideas in the text, it’s time to start using synonyms and different sentence structures to give your paraphrasing a bit of flair and personality.

Using synonyms is one of the most effective techniques in paraphrasing. This method involves replacing words with their equivalents, which helps to enhance your understanding of the text and gives you the freedom to express the same idea in different ways. Synonyms also help to avoid repetition, which can make your writing sound monotonous.

Another effective technique is using different sentence structures. This involves changing the order of words in a sentence or using a different grammatical structure while maintaining the meaning of the original text. This technique not only adds creativity to your paraphrasing but also helps to clarify complex ideas. By using different sentence structures, you can convey the same idea in a more concise and easily understandable way.

These techniques of using synonyms and different sentence structures are essential for effective paraphrasing and creative expression, which helps you to communicate your ideas more effectively.

As you continue to hone your paraphrasing skills, it’s important to remember to avoid plagiarism. One way to do this is to always give credit where it’s due by citing your sources. This will not only help you avoid plagiarism but also show that you’ve done your research and can be trusted as a reliable source of information.

Avoiding Plagiarism

To avoid getting into trouble with plagiarism, it’s crucial to always give credit where credit is due by citing your sources. Plagiarism prevention is an essential part of mastering the art of paraphrasing for effective communication. When you use someone else’s words or ideas, you must acknowledge the original source in your writing. This is not only an ethical responsibility but also a legal requirement.

Different citation guidelines exist, such as APA, MLA, and Chicago, and it’s essential to follow them accurately to avoid plagiarism. By doing so, you demonstrate your respect for the work of others and establish your credibility as a writer. Incorporating citation guidelines into your writing may seem complicated, but it’s worth the effort. There are various online tools and resources available to help you with citations, such as citation generators and writing guides.

Knowing how to avoid plagiarism and cite your sources correctly is an essential skill in academic writing, professional communication, and even everyday life. By doing so, you demonstrate your integrity and commitment to ethical behavior. As you develop your paraphrasing skills, remember to keep these guidelines in mind to ensure that your writing is both effective and ethical.

Transitioning into the next section on listening skills, it’s important to remember that effective communication involves both speaking and listening.

Listening Skills

Additionally, it’s important to pay attention to non-verbal cues such as body language and tone of voice, as these can provide valuable insight into the speaker’s emotions and intentions.

Finally, asking clarifying questions can help ensure that you fully understand the speaker’s message and avoid misunderstandings.

Active Listening

If you want to become a better communicator, active listening is crucial. You should try to actively engage with the speaker, making eye contact and giving nonverbal cues like nodding. This will show the speaker that you’re fully present and interested in what they have to say.

To actively listen, you should also avoid interrupting the speaker or thinking about your response while they’re still talking. Instead, focus on understanding their message and ask clarifying questions if needed. By doing so, you can gain a deeper understanding of the speaker’s perspective and build stronger relationships.

Understanding non-verbal cues is also an important aspect of effective communication skills.

Understanding Non-Verbal Cues

You can truly connect with others by paying attention to their body language and facial expressions. Body language interpretation is a crucial aspect of effective communication. It involves understanding the non-verbal cues that people give off, such as their posture, gestures, and facial expressions. By interpreting these cues, you can gain insight into their thoughts and emotions, and respond accordingly.

This skill is particularly important in situations where verbal communication is limited, such as in a noisy environment or when communicating with someone who speaks a different language. Developing your emotional intelligence is key to understanding non-verbal cues. Emotional intelligence involves being aware of your own emotions and those of others, and using this awareness to guide your behavior.

By developing your emotional intelligence, you can become more attuned to the emotions of others, and better able to interpret their non-verbal cues. This can help you to build stronger relationships, resolve conflicts, and communicate more effectively.

In the next section, we’ll discuss how asking clarifying questions can further enhance your communication skills.

Asking Clarifying Questions

Asking clarifying questions can be a game-changer in improving your communication skills, but don’t forget that it’s all about being a VIP – a Very Inquisitive Person.

Clarifying intentions is key to effective communication. When someone is speaking, it’s important to actively listen to what they’re saying, and clarify their intentions by asking questions. Doing so not only ensures that you understand their message, but also shows that you care about what they have to say.

Active listening techniques are crucial in asking clarifying questions. When you’re listening to someone, make sure to give them your full attention. This means avoiding distractions and focusing on what they’re saying.

Additionally, try to reflect back on what they’ve said and rephrase it in your own words. This will not only help you better understand their message, but also show that you’re actively engaged in the conversation.

Remember, asking clarifying questions is all about being curious and wanting to understand others better.

Contextual Understanding

Contextual cues such as the tone of the conversation, body language, and even the location can provide important information that can help you understand the meaning behind the words being spoken.

Language nuances, such as idioms and cultural references, can also provide important context that can help you accurately paraphrase what’s being said.

To truly master paraphrasing, you must have a deep understanding of the context in which the conversation is taking place. This involves actively listening to the speaker and paying close attention to the details of the conversation.

By doing so, you’ll be able to accurately convey the message being conveyed without misinterpreting any of the contextual cues.

Once you have a thorough understanding of the context, you can then begin to practice your paraphrasing techniques to ensure effective communication.

Practice Techniques

There are several techniques and exercises that you can use to improve your skills, such as summarizing, reflecting, and clarifying. By using these techniques, you can better understand and restate what others are saying in a way that shows you have truly listened and understood their point of view.

Real life scenarios provide the best opportunities to practice your paraphrasing skills. Applying paraphrasing in everyday situations can help you gain confidence in your ability to communicate effectively. For example, when talking to your friends or family, try to summarize what they are saying or ask clarifying questions.

This will not only help you improve your communication skills but will also show them that you are actively listening and engaging with what they are saying.

In the next section, we will explore how you can use these skills in professional settings.

Paraphrasing in Professional Settings

When communicating with colleagues, clients, or managers, it’s important to paraphrase to ensure that you understand their message correctly. This not only helps to avoid misunderstandings, but it also shows that you’re actively listening and engaged in the conversation.

Here are some tips for successful paraphrasing in workplace scenarios:

– Listen actively and attentively to the speaker’s message. – Use your own words to restate the message while maintaining the original meaning. – Check for understanding by asking questions or clarifying any points that are unclear.

By implementing these strategies, you can improve your communication skills and build stronger relationships with your colleagues.

In the next section, we’ll dive into how to use paraphrasing in personal settings.

Paraphrasing in Personal Settings

By restating what your partner or friend has said in your own words, you show that you’re actively listening and trying to understand their perspective. This can help prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and strengthen bonds.

Paraphrasing is also a common technique used in therapy. Therapists may use paraphrasing to help clients feel heard and validated, and to encourage them to explore their thoughts and feelings in more depth. By restating what the client has said, the therapist can help them gain clarity and insight into their situation.

Similarly, using paraphrasing in personal conversations can help you gain a deeper understanding of your loved ones, and create a stronger, more compassionate connection.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the common mistakes people make while paraphrasing.

When paraphrasing, common pitfalls include using too many of the original words, failing to capture the intended meaning, and not properly citing sources. These errors can hinder effective communication and lead to misunderstandings.

How does paraphrasing affect non-verbal communication?

When you actively listen and use body language while paraphrasing, you show the speaker that you understand and care about their message. This can improve non-verbal communication and build stronger relationships.

Can paraphrasing be used in written communication as well?

Unlock the power of written communication by incorporating the benefits of paraphrasing in writing. Paraphrasing allows for clear and concise messaging while avoiding misinterpretation. Symbolize your intent and engage your audience with this technique.

How can one judge the effectiveness of their paraphrasing skills?

To judge the effectiveness of your paraphrasing, engage in self evaluation and seek feedback mechanisms. Consider whether your paraphrases accurately convey the original message and if they are received positively by others.

Are there any cultural differences to consider while paraphrasing in a diverse setting?

When paraphrasing in a diverse setting, it’s important to be aware of cultural nuances and language barriers. Take the time to understand the cultural context and use clear, simple language to ensure effective communication.

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Matt Abrahams: The Power of the Paraphrase

An expert on public speaking shows how paraphrasing can help you navigate tricky communication situations.

November 19, 2014

A job seeker raises his hand to ask a question | Reuters/Rick Wilking

When you are giving a public presentation, don’t you hate it when you face … the dreaded question. You know the one: the emotionally loaded challenge that serves to undermine everything you presented prior. You had hoped you wouldn’t get it, but here it is. Or, you may face … the obnoxious meeting participant. You know this guy: He thinks he’s Mr. Smarty-Pants and wants everyone to know it. He ruins your meeting by going on long rants that contribute little and waste much.

These two situations can make even the most confident and calm speaker nervous. One powerful way to navigate your way through these two tricky communication situations is to rely on paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is a listening and reflecting tool where you restate what others say in your own words. The most effective paraphrases concisely capture the essence of what another speaker says. For example, at the end of your presentation a questioner asks: “In the past you have been slow to release new products. How soon will your new product be available?” You might paraphrase her question in one of the following ways:

• “You’re asking about our availability.”
• “You’d like to know about our release schedule.”
• “Our release timeline will be … ”

Effective paraphrasing affords you several benefits. In Q&A sessions, for instance, it allows you to:

Make sure you understood the question correctly. After your paraphrase, the question asker has the opportunity to correct you or refine his or her question. There is no sense in answering a question you were not asked.

Think before you respond. Paraphrasing is not very mentally taxing, so while you are speaking your paraphrase you can begin to think of your response.

Acknowledge emotions prior to addressing the issue(s). Occasionally, you may find yourself confronted with an emotionally laden question. In order to be seen as empathetic, and to get the asker to “hear” your answer, you should recognize the emotion as part of your paraphrase. To a questioner who asks, “I get really exasperated when I try to use some of your features. How are you going to make it easier to use your product?” you might say: “I hear that you have emotion around the complexity of our offering.” By acknowledging the emotion, you can more easily move beyond it to address the issue at hand. Please note that you should avoid labeling the emotion, even if the asker does. If someone seems angry, it is better to use terms such as “strong emotion,” “clear concern,” and “passion.” I have seen a number of speakers get into a labeling battle with an audience member when the speaker names a specific emotion that the asker took offense to (e.g., saying an audience member seems frustrated when he is actually angry).

Reframe the question to focus on something you feel more comfortable addressing. I am not recommending pulling a politician’s trick and pivoting to answer the question you wanted rather than the one you got. Instead, by paraphrasing, you can make the question more comfortable for you to answer. The most striking example I have come across was in a sales situation where a prospect asked the presenter: “How come your prices are ridiculously expensive?” Clearly, the paraphrase “So you’re asking about our ridiculous pricing” is not the way to go. Rather, you can reframe the issue in your paraphrase to be about a topic you are better prepared to address. For example, “So you’d like to know about our product’s value.” Price is clearly part of value, but you start by describing the value and return on investment, which will likely soften the blow of the price.

Using paraphrases can also help you in facilitation situations, such as a meeting. In meetings, paraphrasing allows you to:

Acknowledge the participant’s effort. For many people, contributing in meetings can be daunting. There are real consequences for misspeaking or sounding unprepared. By paraphrasing the contributions you get from others, you validate the person’s effort by signaling that you really listened and valued their input.

Link various questions/ideas. You can pull together disparate contributions and questions and engage different participants by relating a current statement to previous ones. For example, you might say: “Your comment about our profitability links to the question a few minutes ago about our financial outlook.”

Manage over-contributors. Someone who over-shares or dominates a meeting with his or her opinions can be very disruptive and disrespectful. If it is your meeting, then the other participants will expect you to manage the situation. If you don’t, you will lose control and potentially credibility. Paraphrasing can help you move beyond the over-contributor while looking tactful. Fortunately, even the most loquacious person needs to inhale once in a while. During a pause, simply paraphrase a meaningful portion of the person’s diatribe and place focus elsewhere — to another person or topic. For example, you might say, “Forrest’s point about manufacturing delays is a good one. Laurie, what do you think?” Or, “Forrest’s point about manufacturing delays is a good one. What other issues are affecting our release schedule?” In both cases, you have politely informed Forrest that he is done, and you’ve turned the focus away from him and back to your agenda.

Beginning a paraphrase can sometimes be tricky, and people often ask me for suggestions for ways to initiate their paraphrases. Try one of the following lines to help you start your paraphrase:

• “So what you are saying/asking is … ”
• “What is important to you is … ”
• “You’d like to know more about … ”
• “The central idea of your question/comment is … ”

Paraphrasing has the power to help you connect with your audience, manage emotions, and steer the conversation. And once you begin to use the technique, you will realize it has the power to help you not only in presentations and meetings, but in virtually any interpersonal conversation.

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3 Benefits of Paraphrasing: The Skill for Learning, Writing and Communicating

Paraphrasing is the underrated skill of reinstating, clarifying or condensing the ideas of another in your own words. By paraphrasing, you can curate credible and well-developed documents, and arguments. But there’s more to paraphrasing than the final result, the process of paraphrasing engages your ability to learn actively, write well, and communicate creatively.

Paraphrasing allows you to share another’s ideas in your own words. This powerful technique is useful in both written and verbal communication, and acts as a tool for conveying information effectively. Paraphrasing is an underrated skill that is beneficial to a variety of individuals from students and writers to employees and business owners. In any setting, sharing information well is the key to good quality work and results. The process of paraphrasing itself also has a number of benefits, making you a better learner, writer and communicator. 

Paraphrasing: The Active Learning Strategy 

Paraphrasing requires you to think about the information you want to convey. You need to understand the meaning in order to reword and restructure the idea, and share it effectively. The process of paraphrasing encourages you to get to the core message, and improves your understanding of the material. In this way, you are actively engaging with the material . Instead of passively reading, you are breaking down the ideas and concepts. Rather than slotting information into your writing, you’re reworking and tailoring it to your needs and your audience. 

Paraphrasing can improve your memory by encouraging you to engage with the information. The 5-step approach to paraphrasing suggests writing your first paraphrase without looking at the original material. This engages your ability to actively recall information from memory, and think of new ways to write it out, rather than simply trying to memorise what you read word for word. After your first draft, you’ll revisit the original material to check if your work conveys the same meaning, this part of the process can further strengthen memory. You’re again revisiting the material in a way that is active and assessing your understanding. Likewise, the practice of paraphrasing improves your ability to convey information, ensuring that it is well-written and tailored to your audience.

This learning method is particularly useful for exams. You’ll learn the material well, developing a deep understanding and continue to refine this as you paraphrase the information. You’ll also be practising your ability to share this information in a way that is well-written, avoids plagiarism and engages your audience. This means, you’ll be able to easily add these ideas into your assignments or exams, having already taken the time to understand the ideas deeply and even practised sharing this information. You’ll be able to show the depth of your learning through paraphrasing, proving you understand the bigger picture and the finer details. 

Paraphrasing: The Technique for Improving Writing Ability

Once you’ve understood the concept well, the process of paraphrasing can improve your writing ability in a variety of ways. You’ll improve your vocabulary by making use of synonyms and identifying key words. You might also switch between word categories, using a noun instead of a verb or changing  adjectives into adverbs. Overtime, this will make you a better writer. Paraphrasing is more than changing a few words and can involve switching between the active or passive voice, this can improve your ability to distinguish between the two. Effective paraphrasing also involves playing around with sentence structure, you might utilise shorter or longer sentences to convey the idea at hand. 

These benefits can still be found even when using paraphrasing tools . You’ll still have to test your understanding by assessing the paraphrase the tool produced. Likewise, you’ll be exposed to new ways of writing things, new words, sentence structures, and organisation. You’ll learn how to pick out the paraphrasing styles that do or don’t work for your writing. Beyond the more technical aspects of writing, paraphrasing can also teach you how to communicate more clearly. You might rearrange the information to emphasise a particular point, or simplify the language to make it accessible to your audience. This improves your ability to clarify the ideas of the original material, and make ideas that might be overly complex, easier to digest. 

Paraphrasing: The Skill for Better Communication 

Finally, paraphrasing can make you a better and more creative communicator. By engaging in the process of paraphrasing, you’re developing your ability to share one idea in a variety of ways. For this to be engaging, you have to get creative. You might play around with the tone, switching between formal, informal, casual, or persuasive. Imagine a business launching a new product, communicating the idea to various internal teams, and customers, each would require a different approach and yet the meaning behind the information would remain the same. 

You might ask questions such as, how can I tailor this information to my audience? How can I bring this aspect of the idea to life? This highlights how paraphrasing can really exercise your ability to communicate creatively. Similarly, paraphrasing can teach you how to share ideas in your own personal way. Whether you’re sharing an idea with a friend, or on social media, you’ll find you can share information in your own personal style while still retaining the original meaning. This can make ideas more accessible and relatable to those in your circle. Additionally, this can prove to be a useful skill in your career, studies or creative endeavours.

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However good you think your listening skills are, the only person who can tell you if you have understood correctly or not is the speaker.  Therefore, as an extension of good listening skills, you need to develop the ability to reflect words and feelings and to clarify that you have understood them correctly. 

It is often important that you and the speaker agree that what you understand is a true representation of what was meant to be said.

As well as understanding and reflecting the verbal messages of the speaker it is important to try to understand the emotions - this page explains how to use reflection effectively to help you build greater understanding of not only what is being said but the content, feeling and meaning of messages.

What is Reflecting?

Reflecting is the process of paraphrasing and restating both the feelings and words of the speaker.  The purposes of reflecting are:

• To allow the speaker to 'hear' their own thoughts and to focus on what they say and feel.
• To show the speaker that you are trying to perceive the world as they see it and that you are doing your best to understand their messages.
• To encourage them to continue talking.

Reflecting does not involve you asking questions, introducing a new topic or leading the conversation in another direction. Speakers are helped through reflecting as it not only allows them to feel understood, but it also gives them the opportunity to focus their ideas. This in turn helps them to direct their thoughts and further encourages them to continue speaking.

Two Main Techniques of Reflecting:

Mirroring is a simple form of reflecting and involves repeating almost exactly what the speaker says.

Mirroring should be short and simple.  It is usually enough to just repeat key words or the last few words spoken. This shows you are trying to understand the speakers terms of reference and acts as a prompt for him or her to continue. Be aware not to over mirror as this can become irritating and therefore a distraction from the message.

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing involves using other words to reflect what the speaker has said. Paraphrasing shows not only that you are listening, but that you are attempting to understand what the speaker is saying.

It is often the case that people 'hear what they expect to hear' due to assumptions, stereotyping or prejudices. When paraphrasing, it is of utmost importance that you do not introduce your own ideas or question the speakers thoughts, feelings or actions. Your responses should be non-directive and non-judgemental.

It is very difficult to resist the temptation to ask questions and when this technique is first used, reflecting can seem very stilted and unnatural. You need to practice this skill in order to feel comfortable.

Reflecting Content, Feeling and Meaning

The most immediate part of a speaker's message is the content, in other words those aspects dealing with information, actions, events and experience, as verbalised by them.

Reflecting content helps to give focus to the situation but, at the same time, it is also essential to reflect the feelings and emotions expressed in order to more fully understand the message.

This helps the speaker to own and accept their own feelings, for quite often a speaker may talk about them as though they belong to someone else, for example using “you feel guilty” rather than “I feel guilty.”

A skilled listener will be able to reflect a speaker's feelings from body cues (non-verbal) as well as verbal messages. It is sometimes not appropriate to ask such direct questions as “How does that make you feel?”  Strong emotions such as love and hate are easy to identify, whereas feelings such as affection, guilt and confusion are much more subtle.  The listener must have the ability to identify such feelings both from the words and the non-verbal cues, for example body language, tone of voice, etc.

As well as considering which emotions the speaker is feeling, the listener needs to reflect the degree of intensity of these emotions.  For example:

Reflecting needs to combine content and feeling to truly reflect the meaning of what the speaker has said.  For example:

“ I just don't understand my boss.  One minute he says one thing and the next minute he says the opposite. ”

“ You feel very confused by him? ”

Reflecting meaning allows the listener to reflect the speaker's experiences and emotional response to those experiences.  It links the content and feeling components of what the speaker has said.

You may also be interested in our pages: What is Empathy? and Understanding Others .

Guidelines for Reflecting

• Be natural.
• Listen for the basic message - consider the content, feeling and meaning expressed by the speaker.
• Restate what you have been told in simple terms.
• When restating, look for non-verbal as well as verbal cues that confirm or deny the accuracy of your paraphrasing.  (Note that some speakers may pretend you have got it right because they feel unable to assert themselves and disagree with you.)
• Do not question the speaker unnecessarily.
• Do not add to the speaker's meaning.
• Do not take the speaker's topic in a new direction.
• Always be non-directive and non-judgemental.

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How to Paraphrase and Summarize Work

Summing up key ideas in your own words.

By the Mind Tools Content Team

Imagine you're preparing a presentation for your CEO. You asked everyone in your team to contribute, and they all had plenty to say!

But now you have a dozen reports, all in different styles, and your CEO says that she can spare only 10 minutes to read the final version. What do you do?

The solution is to paraphrase and summarize the reports, so your boss gets only the key information that she needs, in a form that she can process quickly.

In this article, we explain how to paraphrase and how to summarize, and how to apply these techniques to text and the spoken word. We also explore the differences between the two skills, and point out the pitfalls to avoid.

What Is Paraphrasing?

When you paraphrase, you use your own words to express something that was written or said by another person.

Putting it into your own words can clarify the message, make it more relevant to your audience , or give it greater impact.

You might use paraphrased material to support your own argument or viewpoint. Or, if you're putting together a report , presentation or speech , you can use paraphrasing to maintain a consistent style, and to avoid lengthy quotations from the original text or conversation.

Paraphrased material should keep its original meaning and (approximate) length, but you can use it to pick out a single point from a longer discussion.

What Is Summarizing?

In contrast, a summary is a brief overview of an entire discussion or argument. You might summarize a whole research paper or conversation in a single paragraph, for example, or with a series of bullet points, using your own words and style.

People often summarize when the original material is long, or to emphasize key facts or points. Summaries leave out detail or examples that may distract the reader from the most important information, and they simplify complex arguments, grammar and vocabulary.

Used correctly, summarizing and paraphrasing can save time, increase understanding, and give authority and credibility to your work. Both tools are useful when the precise wording of the original communication is less important than its overall meaning.

How to Paraphrase Text

To paraphrase text, follow these four steps:

1. Read and Make Notes

Carefully read the text that you want to paraphrase. Highlight, underline or note down important terms and phrases that you need to remember.

2. Find Different Terms

Find equivalent words or phrases (synonyms) to use in place of the ones that you've picked out. A dictionary, thesaurus or online search can be useful here, but take care to preserve the meaning of the original text, particularly if you're dealing with technical or scientific terms.

3. Put the Text into Your Own Words

Rewrite the original text, line by line. Simplify the grammar and vocabulary, adjust the order of the words and sentences, and replace "passive" expressions with "active" ones (for example, you could change "The new supplier was contacted by Nusrat" to "Nusrat contacted the new supplier").

Remove complex clauses, and break longer sentences into shorter ones. All of this will make your new version easier to understand .

4. Check Your Work

Check your work by comparing it to the original. Your paraphrase should be clear and simple, and written in your own words. It may be shorter, but it should include all of the necessary detail.

Paraphrasing: an Example

Despite the undoubted fact that everyone's vision of what constitutes success is different, one should spend one's time establishing and finalizing one's personal vision of it. Otherwise, how can you possibly understand what your final destination might be, or whether or not your decisions are assisting you in moving in the direction of the goals which you've set yourself?

The two kinds of statement – mission and vision – can be invaluable to your approach, aiding you, as they do, in focusing on your primary goal, and quickly identifying possibilities that you might wish to exploit and explore.

We all have different ideas about success. What's important is that you spend time defining your version of success. That way, you'll understand what you should be working toward. You'll also know if your decisions are helping you to move toward your goals.

Used as part of your personal approach to goal-setting, mission and vision statements are useful for bringing sharp focus to your most important goal, and for helping you to quickly identify which opportunities you should pursue.

How to Paraphrase Speech

In a conversation – a meeting or coaching session, for example – paraphrasing is a good way to make sure that you have correctly understood what the other person has said.

This requires two additional skills: active listening and asking the right questions .

Useful questions include:

• If I hear you correctly, you're saying that…?
• So you mean that…? Is that right?
• Did I understand you when you said that…?

You can use questions like these to repeat the speaker's words back to them. For instance, if the person says, "We just don't have the funds available for these projects," you could reply: "If I understand you correctly, you're saying that our organization can't afford to pay for my team's projects?"

This may seem repetitive, but it gives the speaker the opportunity to highlight any misunderstandings, or to clarify their position.

When you're paraphrasing conversations in this way, take care not to introduce new ideas or information, and not to make judgments on what the other person has said, or to "spin" their words toward what you want to hear. Instead, simply restate their position as you understand it.

Sometimes, you may need to paraphrase a speech or a presentation. Perhaps you want to report back to your team, or write about it in a company blog, for example.

In these cases it's a good idea to make summary notes as you listen, and to work them up into a paraphrase later. (See How to Summarize Text or Speech, below.)

How to Summarize Text or Speech

Follow steps 1-5 below to summarize text. To summarize spoken material – a speech, a meeting, or a presentation, for example – start at step three.

1. Get a General Idea of the Original

First, speed read the text that you're summarizing to get a general impression of its content. Pay particular attention to the title, introduction, conclusion, and the headings and subheadings.

2. Check Your Understanding

Build your comprehension of the text by reading it again more carefully. Check that your initial interpretation of the content was correct.

3. Make Notes

Take notes on what you're reading or listening to. Use bullet points, and introduce each bullet with a key word or idea. Write down only one point or idea for each bullet.

If you're summarizing spoken material, you may not have much time on each point before the speaker moves on. If you can, obtain a meeting agenda, a copy of the presentation, or a transcript of the speech in advance, so you know what's coming.

Make sure your notes are concise, well-ordered, and include only the points that really matter.

The Cornell Note-Taking System is an effective way to organize your notes as you write them, so that you can easily identify key points and actions later. Our article, Writing Meeting Notes , also contains plenty of useful advice.

4. Write Your Summary

Bullet points or numbered lists are often an acceptable format for summaries – for example, on presentation slides, in the minutes of a meeting, or in Key Points sections like the one at the end of this article.

However, don't just use the bulleted notes that you took in step 3. They'll likely need editing or "polishing" if you want other people to understand them.

Some summaries, such as research paper abstracts, press releases, and marketing copy, require continuous prose. If this is the case, write your summary as a paragraph, turning each bullet point into a full sentence.

Aim to use only your own notes, and refer to original documents or recordings only if you really need to. This helps to ensure that you use your own words.

If you're summarizing speech, do so as soon as possible after the event, while it's still fresh in your mind.

5. Check Your Work

Your summary should be a brief but informative outline of the original. Check that you've expressed all of the most important points in your own words, and that you've left out any unnecessary detail.

Summarizing: an Example

So how do you go about identifying your strengths and weaknesses, and analyzing the opportunities and threats that flow from them? SWOT Analysis is a useful technique that helps you to do this.

What makes SWOT especially powerful is that, with a little thought, it can help you to uncover opportunities that you would not otherwise have spotted. And by understanding your weaknesses, you can manage and eliminate threats that might otherwise hurt your ability to move forward in your role.

If you look at yourself using the SWOT framework, you can start to separate yourself from your peers, and further develop the specialized talents and abilities that you need in order to advance your career and to help you achieve your personal goals.

SWOT Analysis is a technique that helps you identify strengths, weakness, opportunities, and threats. Understanding and managing these factors helps you to develop the abilities you need to achieve your goals and progress in your career.

Permission and Citations

If you intend to publish or circulate your document, it's important to seek permission from the copyright holder of the material that you've paraphrased or summarized. Failure to do so can leave you open to allegations of plagiarism, or even legal action.

It's good practice to cite your sources with a footnote, or with a reference in the text to a list of sources at the end of your document. There are several standard citation styles – choose one and apply it consistently, or follow your organization's house style guidelines.

As well as acknowledging the original author, citations tell you, the reader, that you're reading paraphrased or summarized material. This enables you to check the original source if you think that someone else's words may have been misused or misinterpreted.

Some writers might use others' ideas to prop up their own, but include only what suits them, for instance. Others may have misunderstood the original arguments, or "twisted" them by adding their own material.

If you're wary, or you find problems with the work, you may prefer to seek more reliable sources of information. (See our article, How to Spot Real and Fake News , for more on this.)

Paraphrasing means rephrasing text or speech in your own words, without changing its meaning. Summarizing means cutting it down to its bare essentials. You can use both techniques to clarify and simplify complex information or ideas.

To paraphrase text:

• Read and make notes.
• Find different terms.
• Put the text into your own words.
• Check your work.

You can also use paraphrasing in a meeting or conversation, by listening carefully to what's being said and repeating it back to the speaker to check that you have understood it correctly.

To summarize text or speech:

• Get a general idea of the original.
• Check your understanding.
• Make notes.
• Write your summary.

Seek permission for any copyrighted material that you use, and cite it appropriately.

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Effects of Empathic Paraphrasing – Extrinsic Emotion Regulation in Social Conflict

Maria seehausen.

1 Cluster of Excellence “Languages of Emotion,” Freie Universität, Berlin, Germany

2 Dahlem Institute for Neuroimaging of Emotion, Freie Universität, Berlin, Germany

3 Department of Psychiatry, Charité University Medicine Berlin, Campus Benjamin Franklin, Berlin, Germany

Philipp Kazzer

Malek bajbouj, kristin prehn.

In the present study, we investigated the effects of empathic paraphrasing as an extrinsic emotion regulation technique in social conflict. We hypothesized that negative emotions elicited by social conflict can be regulated extrinsically in a conversation by a listener following the narrator’s perspective and verbally expressing cognitive empathy. Twenty participants were interviewed on an ongoing or recently self-experienced social conflict. The interviewer utilized 10 standardized open questions inviting participants to describe their perception of the conflict. After each of the 10 descriptions, the interviewer responded by either paraphrasing or taking notes (control condition). Valence ratings pertaining to the current emotional state were assessed during the interview along with psychophysiological and voice recordings. Participants reported feeling less negative after hearing the interviewer paraphrase what they had said. In addition, we found a lower sound intensity of participants’ voices when answering to questions following a paraphrase. At the physiological level, skin conductance response, as well as heart rate, were higher during paraphrasing than during taking notes, while blood volume pulse amplitude was lower during paraphrasing, indicating higher autonomic arousal. The results show that demonstrating cognitive empathy through paraphrasing can extrinsically regulate negative emotion on a short-term basis. Paraphrasing led to enhanced autonomic activation in recipients, while at the same time influencing emotional valence in the direction of feeling better. A possible explanation for these results is that being treated in an empathic manner may stimulate a more intense emotion processing helping to transform and resolve the conflict.

Introduction

Emotion regulation research to date has mainly focused on an individualistic point of view emphasizing control mechanisms in the individual, such as attention deployment, cognitive reappraisal, or the willful suppression of emotional expressions (Gross and Thompson, 2007 ; Butler and Gross, 2009 ; Rime, 2009 ). Compared to the abundance and sophistication of the research pertaining to classification schemes on such intrinsic regulation, systematic analysis of extrinsic emotion regulation and especially of controlled interpersonal affect regulation (i.e., the process of deliberately influencing the emotional state of another person, as opposed to non-conscious affect spreading) is still relatively sparse. Rime ( 2009 ), however, points out that an emotional experience is virtually indivisible of a social response, which in turn is bound to shape and modify the original emotion, so that emotion has to be regarded as a fundamentally interdependent process.

Niven et al. ( 2009 ) propose a classification system for controlled interpersonal affect regulation strategies, derived from Totterdell and Parkinson’s ( 1999 ) classification of strategies to deliberately improve one’s affect. Their final classification distinguishes between strategies used to improve versus strategies used to worsen others’ affect, and between strategies that engage the target in a situation or affective state versus relationship-oriented strategies. The technique of empathic paraphrasing, which is investigated in the present study, can be categorized as aiming at affect improvement and engagement within this classification framework. However, it also contains a relationship-oriented component, as empathic paraphrasing communicates interest and commitment in understanding the other’s perspective, thereby implying that their feelings are valid and worth listening to.

Empathy has been conceptualized in many different ways, usually involving a cognitive and an emotional component (Preston and de Waal, 2002 ; Lamm et al., 2007 ; Decety and Meyer, 2008 ). Cognitive empathy means the ability to take the perspective of another person and infer their mental state, while emotional empathy refers to the observer’s affective response to another person’s emotional state (Dziobek et al., 2008 ).

Paraphrasing or active listening (coined by Carl R. Rogers in Client-Centered-Therapy) is a form of responding empathically to the emotions of another person by repeating in other words what this person said while focusing on the essence of what they feel and what is important to them. In this way, the listener actively demonstrates that he or she can understand the speaker’s perspective (cognitive empathy). Rogers described empathy as the ability to sense the client’s private world as if it were one’s own, but without losing the “as if” quality (Rogers, 1951 ). Empathy is communicated through active listening, which in the Client-Centered approach aspires to evoke personal growth and transformation through providing a space of unconditional acceptance for the client. Rogers considered empathy, positive regard, and congruence both necessary and sufficient conditions for therapeutic change (Rogers, 1942 , 1951 ).

This early notion on the importance of empathy for facilitating therapeutic change has gained ample empirical support over the last decades of research. How empathic a therapist is perceived to be has been identified as a critical factor for positive therapy outcome for both psychodynamically oriented and cognitive-behavioral psychotherapies (Bohart et al., 2002 ; Duan and Kivlighan, 2002 ; Orlinsky et al., 2004 ; Marci et al., 2007 ; Elliott et al., 2011 ; Norcross and Wampold, 2011 ). Based on a review of several studies Marci et al. ( 2007 ) describe a significant influence of perceived empathy on mood and general clinical improvement, even when controlling for other factors. Along this line, a meta-analysis conducted by Bohart et al. ( 2002 ) confirms a modest but consistent importance of empathy during psychotherapy. Zuroff et al. ( 2010 ) specifically examined the relationship between patient-reported measures of the three Rogerian conditions (positive regard, empathy, and genuineness) and therapeutic outcome, and found that patients whose therapists provided high average levels of the Rogerian conditions across all patients in their caseloads experienced more rapid reductions in both overall maladjustment and depressive vulnerability (self-critical perfectionism). Farber and Doolin ( 2011 ) conducted a meta-analysis on 18 studies also focusing on the effects of positive regard as defined by Rogers on treatment outcome, and found an aggregate effect size of 0.26, confirming a moderate influence of this factor.

The effectiveness of showing empathy on treatment success has also been assured within the field of medical care. Medical researchers have coined the term clinical empathy , which Mercer and Reynolds ( 2002 ) define as (1) understanding the patient’s situation, perspective and feelings (and their attached meanings), (2) communicating that understanding and checking its accuracy, and (3) acting on that understanding with the patient in a helpful (therapeutic) way. Hence, within the clinical setting empathy entails not only cognitive and affective components but also a behavioral component to communicate understanding to the patient, i.e., through active listening (Davis, 2009 ). Accordingly, the active demonstration of empathy has already been recognized as a crucial component of promoting cooperation in challenging situations within the field of clinical care. Halpern ( 2007 ) stresses that physicians who learn to empathize with patients during emotionally charged interactions can thereby increase their therapeutic impact. By the same token, a growing body of evidence demonstrates that empathic communication effectively helps patients through challenging and fearful situations, ranging from painful dental treatments over psychological problems to pandemic crisis (Cape, 2000 ; Reynolds and Quinn Crouse, 2008 ; Bernson et al., 2011 ). Neumann et al. ( 2009 ) reviewed prior empirical studies on clinical empathy and conclude that clinical empathy is a fundamental determinant of successful medical care, because “ it enables the clinician to fulfill key medical tasks more accurately, thereby achieving enhanced health outcomes ” (Neumann et al., 2009 , p. 344).

In sum, the effectiveness of empathic communication as an extrinsic emotion regulation technique has already gained solid empirical support from psychotherapy and medical research. For the present study, social conflict was chosen as the context to examine the effects of empathic paraphrasing on emotion, for two reasons. Firstly, social conflict is often accompanied by intense emotions such as anger and hurt, and therefore lends itself easily to the investigation of extrinsic emotion regulation, without requiring artificial emotion induction in the laboratory. The setting of real-life social conflict renders it possible to work with “real” emotion, while at the same time concentrating on a non-clinical population. Secondly, empathic paraphrasing is used with vast prevalence within the field of conflict resolution. Paraphrasing is generally applied as one of the most important constitutional elements across all domains of conflict mediation (business mediation, family mediation, community mediation, victim-offender mediation, etc.). Hence, it seems expedient to take a closer look at the emotional effects of a technique so widely used within the context of its most common application.

Social psychology research offers evidence for a connection between dispositional affective empathy as well as dispositional perspective taking and adaptive social conflict behavior (Steins, 2000 ; Gehlbach, 2004 ; de Wied et al., 2007 ). However, there is hardly any research on the effects of being treated in an empathic manner (as opposed to feeling empathy oneself) on conflict behavior. Moran and Diamond ( 2008 ) report positive effects of therapist empathy on parent’s negative attitudes toward their depressed adolescent children. Being treated in an empathic way seems to help parents to also empathize with their children going through a rough time. This is an interesting finding, which contains parallels to social conflict situations and stimulates the question which emotional effects are triggered by being treated empathically, and how these emotional processes aid own empathic reactions toward others.

An interesting train of evidence regarding the socio-cognitive effects of being treated empathically is provided by research on interpersonal mimicry and language matching in social interaction. Numerous studies confirm that non-verbal interpersonal mimicry increases affiliation and positive social judgment as well as pro-social behavior not only toward the mimicker but also toward people not involved in the mimicry situation, indicating that being mimicked not only leads to an increased liking toward the interaction partner, but to an increased pro-social orientation in general (van Baaren et al., 2004 ; Ashton–James et al., 2007 ; Fischer-Lokou et al., 2011 .; Guéguen et al., 2011 ; Stel and Harinck, 2011 ). This is true for the mimickee as well as the mimicker (Stel et al., 2008 ). Maddux et al. ( 2008 ) also report that strategic mimicry in negotiation abets more favorable negotiation outcomes, facilitating both individual and joint gains. This effect was mediated by higher levels of trust toward the mimicker. Ashton–James et al. ( 2007 ) tested several hypotheses on why mimicry promotes pro-social behavior and found that being mimicked during social interaction shifts self-construal toward becoming more interdependent and “other-oriented.” Additionally, mimicry strengthens one’s perception of interpersonal closeness with other people in general.

Correspondingly, language style matching, i.e., similarity in use of function words, has been found to predict relationship initiation and stability (Ireland et al., 2011 ). On a similar vein, according to the interactive-alignment account of dialog, the success of any given conversation depends on the extent of the conversation partners arriving at a common understanding of the relevant aspects of what they are talking about, i.e., a common situation model (Pickering and Garrod, 2004 ). Interlocutors tend to automatically align at different levels of linguistic representation, e.g., through repeating each other’s words and grammar (Garrod and Pickering, 2004 ). This alignment at low-level structure positively affects alignment of interlocutors’ situation models – the hallmark of successful communication – as people who describe a situation in the same way tend to think about it in the same way as well (Markman and Makin, 1998 ; Menenti et al., 2012 ). These findings strongly support the hypothesis that paraphrasing, which involves a certain degree of language matching and bears parallels to mimicry on a verbal level, administrates emotional and socio-cognitive effects on the person being paraphrased.

Regardless the impressive amount of research reviewed above, the specific dynamics of emotional response to empathic paraphrasing are yet largely unclear. Rime ( 2009 ) suggests that socio-affective responses such as comfort and empathy temporarily alleviate a narrator’s negative emotions and generate a deep feeling of relief. However, if no cognitive reframing and re-adjustment of goals, motives, models, and schemas occur, the alleviating effects of socio-affective responses can be expected to be only temporary, because the cognitive sources of the emotional unsettledness have not been transformed. Following this reasoning, the emotional effects of empathic paraphrasing should be expected to be short-lived. On the other hand, Rogers argued that receiving empathy and positive regard are necessary conditions for being able to revise overly rigid structures of the self and assimilate dissonant information and experiences (Rogers, 1942 , 1951 ). Hence, empathic paraphrasing may initiate a cognitive-emotional process progressing in several stages, with emotional alleviation and an increased mental openness and disposition for cognitive restructuring possibly being the first one. In this respect, the present research makes a valuable contribution by moving beyond correlational designs to presenting the first experimental study assessing in detail the emotional effects of empathic paraphrasing in the context of social conflict, hopefully providing a useful basis for further analysis in future studies.

To investigate whether and how empathic paraphrasing in the context of a real-life social conflict extrinsically regulates emotion, we invited participants to an interview in which they were asked to talk about an ongoing or recently self-experienced social conflict with a partner, friend, roommate, neighbor, or family member. The interviewer responded to participants’ descriptions by either paraphrasing (experimental condition following half of the interview questions) or taking notes (control condition). We assessed valence ratings pertaining to participants’ current emotional state as well as skin conductance response (SCR), blood volume pulse (BVP), blood volume pulse amplitude (BVPamp), and heart rate (HR) as indicators of autonomous nervous system (ANS) activity during the interviews. We also recorded the interviews for documentation and analysis.

Psychophysiological and voice parameters have been proven to be reliable indicators for emotional responses (Scherer, 2003 ; Kushki et al., 2011 ). HR is regulated by sympathetic (increase) as well as parasympathetic (decrease) pathways of the ANS (Li and Chen, 2006 ; Kushki et al., 2011 ), and reflects autonomic arousal (Critchley, 2002 ) as well as emotional valence (Palomba et al., 1997 ). BVP is a measure of changes in the volume of blood in vessels and has been associated with affective and cognitive processing (Kushki et al., 2011 ). BVP amplitude has been found to be lower during episodes of increased sympathetic activity (Shelley, 2007 ) and has also been shown to decrease when feeling fear or sadness in several studies (Kreibig et al., 2007 ). SCR depicts changes in the skin’s ability to conduct electricity and is considered a sensitive psychophysiological index of changes in autonomic sympathetic arousal that are integrated with emotional and cognitive states. In addition, SCR reflects vicarious emotional responses to another’s affective state (pain), and is therefore also connected to empathy (Hein et al., 2011 ).

Based on the literature reviewed above, we hypothesized that empathic paraphrasing would lead to a reduction of negative emotion in the situation of talking about the conflict. Specifically, we expected valence ratings to be more positive after paraphrasing. Furthermore, we hypothesized that empathic paraphrasing would lead to lower autonomic arousal, reflected in psychophysiological measures and voice analysis.

Materials and Methods

Participants.

Twenty healthy subjects [10 female; age: mean (M) = 27, standard deviation (SD) = 7.9] participated in this study. All participants were native German speakers, and had recently experienced a potentially ongoing social conflict with a partner, friend, roommate, neighbor, or family member. No conflicts involving physical or psychological violence were included in the study. Due to technical problems, SCR and voice data of four participants as well as BVP data of three participants were lost. Therefore, 20 participants entered the analysis of self-report data, 16 entered voice data analysis and analysis of SCR, and 17 entered analysis of HR and BVP.

The study was carried out in accordance with the Declaration of Helsinki and was approved by the ethical committee of the Charité University Medicine Berlin. All participants gave written informed consent prior to investigation and received payment for participation.

Interview design and procedure

Participants were told that the study investigates emotion in social conflict, especially how emotions develop while speaking about a social conflict. The interviewer further informed participants that she would try to understand their perspective, and sometimes summarize what she understood so far, while at other times take notes to help her memorize certain things and have them present over the course of the interview.

Interviews consisted of 10 standardized open questions (e.g., “What exactly bothers you about the other person’s behavior?”). After the participant answered each question, the interviewer either paraphrased what had been said, or silently took notes (control condition). Following these paraphrasing interventions or control conditions, respectively, participants were asked to rate their current emotional state. In order to avoid confounding effects resulting from the content of the questions, as well as distortions due to emotional processing over the course of the interview, interventions, and control condition were given alternately during the interview. Half of all participants received an intervention (empathic paraphrasing) after the first question, a control intervention after the second question, and so forth; the other half received a control intervention first. All interviews were conducted by the same female interviewer, who had previously received 190 h of training in conflict resolution and has worked on cases in community mediation, business mediation, and family mediation over several years, applying empathic paraphrasing as one of the core techniques of conflict resolution.

Paraphrasing in the present study was implemented in such a way that after each narration the interviewer briefly summarized the facts of the narration and described her understanding of how the narrator felt, and why, and what she understood was important to the narrator regarding the situation described. To confirm the accuracy of her paraphrasing, the interviewer asked if her understanding was correct at the end of each paraphrase. An example of a paraphrase is given in the Appendix.

All interviews were audiotaped. Interview length was 30.16 min on average (SD = 11.03), depending on how extensively participants answered to the questions. Figure ​ Figure1 1 depicts the interview questions as well as a schematic overview of the interview procedure and measurements.

Interview guideline and procedure .

Data acquisition and analyses

Participants were asked to indicate their current emotional state (valence rating) on an eight-point Likert scale ranging from −4 to 4 (“How positive or negative do you feel right now?”) 10 times during the interview, following the interventions and control condition, respectively. Ratings were analyzed with two-tailed t -tests for repeated measures in IBM SPSS Statistics 20.

Skin conductance response and BVP were recorded continuously with a sampling frequency of 40 Hz using a commercial sampling device ( Biofeedback 2000 X-pert , Schuhfried GmbH, Austria) during the entire interview. Both interviewer’s and participant’s voices were recorded using Audacity 1.2.6 with a highly directional microphone (Shure, WH20 Dynamic Headset Microphone, IL, USA).

Skin conductance data was analyzed in LedaLab V3.3.1. Time frame of analysis was 25 s after the onset of the intervention or control condition. Within this interval, SCR was decomposed by continuous decomposition analysis (CDA; Benedek and Kaernbach, 2010 ). For each participant and interval, the maximum phasic activity was computed (with a minimum amplitude of 0.001 μS) and averaged for each participant across all intervals of both conditions).

Blood volume pulse and BVPamp were analyzed for intervals of 23 s after the onset of intervention or control condition using Matlab 7.1 (The Math-Works, Inc., MA, USA). Data were smoothed using a six point Gaussian filter. BVP was further used for extracting HR data through computing the inverse of the distance between successive peaks of the BVP signal in intervals larger than 0.4 s (Kushki et al., 2011 ). Mean SCR between both conditions (paraphrasing interventions and control conditions), BVP, BVPamp (in%), and HR (in beats per minute) were also analyzed with two-tailed t -tests for repeated measures in IBM SPSS Statistics 20. In addition, we compared BVP, BVPamp, and HR during the paraphrasing intervention and the interview question directly following the paraphrase, with a standard time frame of 4 s for the question phase.

Analysis of voice recordings was done with seewave in R statistics (Sueur et al., 2008 ). Using Audacity 1.2.6., intervals of speech for voice analysis were selected manually by listening to the recorded interviews and cutting out participants’ responses to each question – following an intervention or control intervention, respectively.

Behavioral data

Valence ratings following paraphrasing revealed less negative feelings than ratings following the control condition [ t (19) = 3.395, p  = 0.003]. Effect size is d  = 0.76 (Cohen’s d for repeated measures, calculated with pooled means and standard deviations).

Differences in valence ratings over the conditions are shown in Figure ​ Figure2 2 .

Mean valence ratings (with standard error of the mean) after the empathic paraphrasing and control conditions .

Time series plots over the entire course of the interview show a U-shaped trend in valence ratings over time, which is mainly due to ratings following the control condition (see Figure ​ Figure3). 3 ). However, a repeated measures ANOVA including sequence of intervention over time as an additional factor demonstrates that the effect of the intervention remains untouched by sequence [main effect of sequence F (4, 72) = 1.768; p  = 0.145; main effect of intervention: F (1,18) = 11.400; p  = 0.003 interaction intervention × sequence F (4, 72) = 1.489; p  = 0.215].

Mean valence ratings over the course of the interview, averaged over both conditions (A) and split up into paraphrasing and control condition (B) . At each of the 10 trials, 10 subjects received an intervention and 10 received a control intervention.

Psychophysiological data

Two-tailed t -tests for repeated measures show that participants had a higher SCR during paraphrasing than during the control condition [ t (15) = 2.589; p  = 0.021]. Effect size is d  = 0.65 (Cohen’s d ). Complementary results were found in participants’ HR, which was also higher during paraphrasing than during the control condition [ t (16) = 6.491; p  = 0.000; effect size d  = 1.57]. No significant differences between the conditions for BVP were found [ t (16) = 0.22; p  = 0.812]. However, there was a strong trend for mean BVPamp [ t (16) = −2.119; p  = 0.050; effect size d  = 0.51], which was lower during paraphrasing than during taking notes. Comparing BVPamp during paraphrasing with the interview question directly following the paraphrase, we also found that BVPamp is lower during paraphrasing than during the following interview question [ t (13) = 2.381; p  = 0.033; effect size d  = 0.64]. For HR and BVP, no such difference between paraphrase and subsequent interview question was found. Figure ​ Figure4 4 illustrates differences in psychophysiological measures and voice intensity over the two conditions.

Measures of sympathetic activation (mean values with standard error of the mean) . (A) Skin conductance response (SCR; in μS), (B) Heart rate (in beats/minute), (C) Blood volume pulse amplitude (BVPamp in%), and (D) Voice volume (in dB) during empathic paraphrasing and control condition.

Voice analysis data

Mean intensity/volume of participants’ voices was lower when they replied to an interview question following a paraphrase [ t (15) = −2,466; p  = 0.026; effect size d  = 0.62]. There was no difference in mean fundamental voice frequency (F0) between the conditions [ t (15) = 0.583; p  = 0.568]. F0 range and F0 standard deviation did not differ between the conditions, either (see Table ​ Table1). 1 ). However, speech rate and articulation rate showed trends for slower speech following paraphrasing [speech rate t (15) = −1.86; p  = 0.082; articulation rate t (15) = −2.05; p  = 0.059]. Cohen’s d yielded effect sizes of d  = 0.47 for speech rate and d  = 0.51 for articulation rate.

Means (M), standard deviations (SD), t -, p -, and d -values of all parameters in intervention and control condition .

* and ** indicate significant findings .

Table ​ Table1 1 gives an overview of means and standard deviations of all psychophysiological, voice, and self-report parameters over the two conditions.

The aim of our study was to investigate the short-term emotional effects of empathic paraphrasing in social conflict. To achieve this, we conducted interviews on real-life social conflicts currently experienced by our participants. During the interview, paraphrasing was alternated with a control condition (taking notes). Emotional valence ratings were obtained after each intervention and control intervention and psychophysiological and voice recordings were executed continuously during the interviews. Our hypothesis was that paraphrasing would lead to more positive emotional valence and lower autonomic arousal. Viewing the results of our study as a whole suggests that empathic paraphrasing has a regulating effect on a narrator’s emotions, however, this effect seems to be more complex than originally expected. In sum, we found that participants felt better when the interviewer paraphrased their emotions and perceptions of the conflict. At the same time, and contrary to our expectations, SCR, HR, and BVP amplitude indicate higher autonomic activation during paraphrasing. Voice intensity as well as speech and articulation rate of participants on the other hand was lower when answering to a question following a paraphrase.

Effects of paraphrasing on valence

The self-report ratings demonstrate that participants felt better after the interviewer had paraphrased what they had said. Also, the relatively high effect size suggests that this effect is strong and practically relevant. The interview itself also induced valence effects over time, insofar that participants experienced a decline in emotional valence in the middle of the interview, which recuperated toward the end of the interview. However, due to the alternation of intervention and control intervention, which was again alternated in sequence over participants, this trend does not affect the intervention effect.

This self-reported valence effect is consistent with participants’ lower voice intensity after paraphrasing compared to the control condition. Banse and Scherer ( 1996 ) have linked high voice intensity with negative affects or aggressive speaker attitudes, thereby suggesting a conjunction between high voice intensity and negative emotional valence. Conversely, speech and articulation rate are also slightly lower following an intervention, even though these effects are not statistically significant. Speech rate is defined as the number of spoken units (e.g., words/syllables) per unit of time (minute/second). It is calculated across continuous speech segments, which may include pauses, disruptions, or dysfluency. Articulation rate is an analogical measure based only on fluent utterances, excluding pauses, and dysfluency (Howell et al., 1999 ). Speech rate has been demonstrated to increase when experiencing anger or fear compared to neutral emotional states (Scherer, 1995 ; Rochman et al., 2008 ). Hence, the lower speech and articulation rates following paraphrasing also suggest that participants experienced less negative emotion after paraphrasing.

By the same token, HR was higher during paraphrasing than during the control condition, which according to Palomba et al. ( 1997 ) can also be interpreted as a valence effect. HR deceleration has been associated with negative emotional valence during presentation of unpleasant visual stimuli. In social tasks, HR acceleration has been measured in accordance with intensity of emotion, and to a lesser degree, with emotional valence (Palomba et al., 1997 ). Palomba et al. ( 1997 ) found significant differences in HR deceleration between positive, negative, and neutral visual stimuli, with positive stimuli producing the highest and negative stimuli the lowest HR. Hence, self-report data, voice data, and HR analysis all support the conclusion that emotional valence was positively influenced by offering cognitive empathy through paraphrasing. This effect of paraphrasing on valence bolsters Rime’s ( 2009 ) supposition that being treated empathically while socially sharing negative emotion produces a short-term alleviation of these negative emotions.

Interestingly, the positive impact of mimicry on social judgment mentioned in the introduction (i.e., promoting liking toward the mimicker) suggests the generation of positive emotion as a result of mimicry. This was not the case for paraphrasing in our study: valence ratings in the intervention condition center around the neutral. Nevertheless, it is still possible that paraphrasing led to an increased liking toward the interviewer, while overall affect was neutral. Social judgment was not assessed in the present study, hence, no direct comparison with mimicry is possible. However, it would be interesting to compare the effects of mimicry and paraphrasing on emotion in future studies, as well as to study verbal mimicry or matching more extensively in the context of distressing conversations such as social conflict discussions.

Effects of paraphrasing on arousal

Skin conductance response, HR and BVP amplitude indicate a period of higher autonomic arousal while the interviewer paraphrased what participants had said, compared to taking notes on what they had said. Again, effects sizes of physiological measures suggest medium and in the case of HR, very strong, effects. This is surprising, as we presumed that the lower intensity of negative emotion induced by paraphrasing would be accompanied by lower arousal. Instead, paraphrasing apparently enhanced autonomic arousal. Quite conversely to psychophysiological data, the lower voice intensity following the intervention on the other hand suggests a calming effect of paraphrasing on autonomic arousal, as several studies on emotion and voice quality have associated high voice intensity with high sympathetic autonomic arousal emotions (Scherer, 2003 ). This apparent contradiction between voice data and psychophysiological data appears initially confusing, as vocal changes and changes in SCR both originate in mediated variation of HR, blood flow, and muscular tension caused by an arousing event (Duffy, 1932 ; Laver, 1968 ; Schirmer and Kotz, 2006 ).

However, this discrepancy can be explained by the fact that BVP and SCR were recorded while participants listened to the interviewer paraphrasing, whereas voice analysis was done on recordings of participants’ answers to the interviewer’s next question, following the paraphrase. Thus, the autonomic arousal induced by paraphrasing may already have subsided and passed into a calmer state at the time participants answered the next question. This possibility is difficult to double-check for SCR as this parameter is reactive to speech and will thus be higher while participants are talking, even though autonomic sympathetic arousal induced by the intervention might have diminished already. However, we reassessed this hypothesis using BVP, BVPamp, and HR data, comparing the paraphrasing phase with the subsequent question phase and found a confirming result for BVPamp, although not for the other two measures. Participant had a lower BVP amplitude while listening to the paraphrase compared to listening to the interview question asked in direct succession. This indicates a specific effect of paraphrasing on autonomic arousal, which is not induced by speech in general. It should also be noted that voice intensity following paraphrasing is significantly lower than voice intensity following the control condition. Hence, given the assumption made above is correct, participants’ autonomic arousal is first heightened by listening to the paraphrasing, and after a short period of time lowered to a level below the control state. This is a very interesting finding, for which two possible explanations should be considered.

Firstly, it is possible that empathic paraphrasing not only leads to a reduction of negative emotion in participants, but even induces positive emotions, such as happiness and relief about being listened to and validated. This would explain the initial higher autonomic arousal, which would in this case be due to a short-term experience of positive emotions, in accordance with Rime ( 2009 ) dissipating quickly. However, the behavioral data does not support this notion, as the valence ratings remain in the negative range of the scale even after paraphrasing, only approximating the neutral zero-point. Also, it should be noted that empathic paraphrasing is distinctly different from everyday forms of volunteering empathy or forms of social sharing of emotion as referred to by Rime. Paraphrasing does not offer sympathy or emotional empathy, but instead takes a purely cognitive road by demonstrating that the listener can understand the narrator’s perspective. It does not seem likely that this technique should have the same emotional effects as common social sharing responses such as offering sympathy.

Therefore, as an alternative explanation of our results, it is more conceivable that demonstrating cognitive empathy through paraphrasing temporarily leads to a heightened focus on and increased processing of negative emotion, which might eventually have a resolving effect on these emotions. This explanation seems probable considering the nature of paraphrasing, which entails repeating emotional narrations in a pointed way, thereby sharpening and clarifying the emotional experience. In a study on the relationship between therapist pre-session mood, therapist empathy, and session evaluation, Duan and Kivlighan ( 2002 ) found that intellectual empathy (demonstrating an understanding of the client’s perspective, i.e., empathic paraphrasing) was positively correlated with client-perceived session depth (power and value of the session), but not correlated with perceived session smoothness (comfort and pleasantness of the session). In a way, paraphrasing confronts people with what they are feeling, and thus can stimulate a deeper processing of negative emotion (depth), which temporarily involves higher autonomic arousal and may even be perceived as trying and hard work (smoothness), but eventually abets resolution of the emotional conflict. It however seems unlikely that this process advances automatically without fueling cognitive work such as reappraisal and re-adjustment of goals and schemas. Yet, the clarifying focus on one’s own emotion, accompanied by the non-judgmental stance of empathic paraphrasing might strongly push this process forward. This notion is in line with Rogers’ original claim to evoke personal growth and transformation in the client through empathic paraphrasing, thereby achieving therapeutic change (Rogers, 1942 , 1951 ).

Also, considering the findings from mimicry and language matching research, which have demonstrated that being treated empathically on basal levels such as facial expression and language style promotes attitude and behavior change, it seems plausible that empathic paraphrasing may foster socio-cognitive processes in a similar direction. As paraphrasing contains a deliberate effort to verbally align with the narrator, it may generate a shared situation model and in this way promote successful communication. It would be interesting to consider if empathic paraphrasing, as it bears a certain resemblance to mimicry on a verbal level, can also stimulate pro-social behavior in the person being paraphrased; for instance a greater willingness to open up for the other party’s perspective on the conflict. This would strongly support the idea of paraphrasing stimulating a clearance of negative emotion.

There seems to be wide consensus between psychotherapists of different disciplines that psychotherapy benefits from an optimal level of arousal in the client, similar to the Yerkes–Dodson law, which posits an inverse U-shaped correlation between arousal and performance in complex tasks (Bridges, 2006 ). Markowitz and Milrod ( 2011 ) argue that emotional arousal is central for engaging the client in psychotherapy and making the therapeutic experience meaningful. They claim that the therapist’s ability to understand and respond empathically to negative emotional arousal should be considered the most important one of the common factors of psychotherapy. The therapist provides support and at the same time acts as a model, teaching the client to tolerate, verbalize, and integrate their feelings. Thus, negative feelings diminish and lose toxicity. In a similar vein, the traditional concept of the “corrective emotional experience” by Alexander and French ( 1946 ) describes the transformation of painful emotional conflicts as re-experiencing the old, unsettled conflict but with a new ending. This notion, which has gained ample empirical support, holds that processing emotional conflicts within a safe and empathic environment is necessary for therapeutic change (Bridges, 2006 ).

A resembling road is also pursued by acceptance and mindfulness-based interventions. Research on acceptance-based and mindfulness-based therapy has shown that accepting and mindfully observing negative emotions (instead of trying to suppress them) leads to the dissolution of these emotions (Eifert and Heffner, 2003 ; Arch and Craske, 2006 ; Hayes-Skelton et al., 2011 ). Czech et al. ( 2011 ) cite several experimental studies which have demonstrated that acceptance of negative emotion decreases distress and increases willingness to engage in challenging tasks. Empathic paraphrasing may have similar effects, as it essentially applies the principles of mindfulness and acceptance from the outside – through a listener who takes on an accepting role, thereby prompting the narrator in the same direction. Offering cognitive empathy through paraphrasing draws attention to emotions, non-judgmentally describes and accepts them, and is thus very similar to acceptance-based and mindfulness-based therapy. The central difference might be the locus of initiation of these processes, which in the case of empathic paraphrasing comes from somebody else. Comparing the effects of mindfulness and empathic paraphrasing and investigating the potential consequences of this difference on emotion processing and emotion regulation could be an interesting research focus for future studies.

Limitations of the present study

A potential short-coming of the present study pertains to the nature of the control condition, which consisted of taking notes silently. It could be argued that, as only the experimental condition involved speech, the differences found might be due to a general effect of being spoken to, rather than to an isolated effect of empathic paraphrasing. However, it should be noted that within a social conflict situation, the content of a reply to emotional descriptions can never be perceived as completely neutral, and any control condition involving speech will induce emotional effects of its own, e.g., irritation or even anger caused by inapplicable verbal comments of the interviewer following participants’ emotional disclosure. The present control condition was deliberately chosen for providing a neutral baseline against which the effects of empathic paraphrasing can be tested before moving on to other modes of comparison.

An aligned point of concern might be that it cannot be ascertained how the control condition was perceived by participants. For instance, even though they were informed that the note-taking simply served the purpose of bolstering the interviewer’s memory during the conversation, some participants may still have worried about the notes containing subjective judgment. This would most likely induce stress and add an emotional bias to the control condition. In this case, however, one would expect an increase in autonomic responses during the control condition, which did not occur. Still, considering these shortcomings of the control condition, the results need to be reproduced with varying kinds of control conditions involving speech before they can be viewed as definite.

It should also be mentioned that this study focused exclusively on short-term emotional reactions to paraphrasing, in order to obtain a constitutional data base illustrating the regulatory effect of this communicational technique. Our results suggest that in addition to influencing immediate emotional valence, paraphrasing sets in motion an initially arousing process of coping with negative emotions associated with the social conflict, which eventually may lead to resolving these emotions. However, as we did not assess longitudinal measures pertaining to the emotions associated with the social conflicts in question, this conclusion has to remain speculative until backed up by further research.

Finally, the relatively small sample size of the study makes it prone to distortions from individual variations and gender differences, e.g., in emotion expression. Again, replication of the results based on larger groups of study participants is called for.

Conclusion and directions for future research

The present study provides first experimental evidence that offering cognitive empathy through paraphrasing extrinsically regulates emotion in social conflict. Paraphrasing led to less negative feelings in study participants, while at the same time inducing higher autonomic arousal, which subsided after a short period of time. A possible explanation for these findings is that empathic paraphrasing stimulates an increased and focused processing of negative emotion in social conflict, and thus may contribute to resolving these emotions.

Future studies investigating the emotional effects of demonstrating cognitive empathy may further scrutinize the short- and long-term effects empathic paraphrasing has on arousal, and test the hypothesis that paraphrasing induces a cognitive-emotional process which facilitates the resolution of negative emotion in social conflict. Also, it would be interesting to investigate the dynamics of this process more closely and identify factors necessary for its successful development. Presently, we are working on a neuroimaging paradigm designed to overcome some of the above mentioned shortcomings and further explore the effects of empathic paraphrasing on the disposition to consider other people’s perspective in social conflict.

Conflict of Interest Statement

The authors declare that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest.

Acknowledgments

This study was financially supported by the Cluster of Excellence “Languages of Emotion” at Freie Universität Berlin which is funded by the DFG (German Research Foundation), and by the Open-Access publication fund of the DFG and the Freie Universität Berlin.

Example of a paraphrasing sequence

Interviewer: “What is worst for you about this situation?”

Narrator: “The worst thing is not knowing what happens now, well, this uncertainty. I mean, there is a problem, I have to make sure the rent is being paid, because in the end I am responsible, because I am in the rental agreement…and then – not being able to deal with that situation, not being able to act, because I just don’t know what is going to happen. The worst…now I am not so sure anymore, what was worst about it – well, also interpersonally it was very disappointing, because after all I took care of everything, voluntarily, and…I mean, when she is acting this way now, that is also a lack of recognition for what I do, what I accomplish. For my whole courtesy. What aggravates things is that is was clear from the beginning that she does not do so well financially, but urgently needed an apartment, and I let her move in with me to help her. And that is something that is…not being trampled under her feet…but you notice that there is a lack of recognition. Well, I think this second issue is worse than the first one.”

Interviewer: “So it is a combination, is it? For one, this thing, that in some way your existence is on stake here, that you are saying, this uncertainty is hard to bear – that you do not know how the rent is going to come around in the future. And then also the interpersonal issue, that you are saying you are disappointed of her, because you helped her, and in return you get this now, right? Especially the lack of recognition, the interpersonal treatment is what is worst – did I understand that correctly?”

Narrator: “Yes.”

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In this example, the paraphrase allows us to find out that the speaker is concerned that Bill is avoiding him. While this is not what he said initially, the paraphrase revealed what his real meaning was.

Alternately, the speaker could have responded by saying: "Yes, I'm concerned and not at all sure what to do about it." This would also have revealed more about the message that the speaker was trying to communicate.

Here's another example:

In this case, the listener took the wrong meaning for what the speaker said, but when they checked their understanding by paraphrasing, the speaker corrected their understanding.

Remember... use paraphrasing to check your understanding.

You can learn how to paraphrase when you use Communication University.

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7 Active Listening Techniques For Better Communication

It's time to start having more intentional conversations

Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of The Anxiety Workbook and founder of the website About Social Anxiety. She has a Master's degree in clinical psychology.

Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do," have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk,  "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong," is one of the most viewed talks of all time.

• How to Improve

Active listening is a communication skill that involves going beyond simply hearing the words that another person speaks. It's about actively processing and seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind them. It requires being a mindful and focused participant in the communication process.

Active listening techniques include:

• Being fully present in the conversation
• Showing interest by practicing good eye contact
• Noticing (and using) non-verbal cues
• Asking open-ended questions to encourage further responses
• Paraphrasing and reflecting back what has been said
• Listening to understand rather than to respond
• Withholding judgment and advice

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD explains, "Active listening requires de-centering from one’s fixed position to be fully present with another. It helps people feel more understood and strengthens relationships as it signals a willingness to sit with the other’s perspective and empathy for their situation instead of singular focus on oneself."

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In communication, active listening is important because it keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way. It also makes the other person feel heard and valued. This skill is the foundation of a successful conversation in any setting—whether at work, at home, or in social situations.

Romanoff continues, "Ultimately, it shows respect and value for the other person’s needs, concerns, and ideas as the listener is actively signaling the other person matters to them."

When you practice active listening, you are fully engaged and immersed in what the other person is saying.

7 Active Listening Techniques

The word "active" implies that you are taking some type of action when listening to others. This involves the use of certain strategies or techniques. Here are seven active listening techniques to consider.

1. Be Fully Present

Active listening requires being fully present in the conversation. This enables you to concentrate on what is being said. Being present involves listening with all your senses (sight, sound, etc.) and giving your full attention to the speaker.

"Being fully present involves the skill of tuning into the other person’s inner world while stepping away from your own. This is a power skill in deeply connecting and sitting with another’s emotions," says Romanoff.

To use this active listening technique effectively, put away your cell phone, ignore distractions, avoid daydreaming, and shut down your internal dialogue. Place your focus on your conversation partner and let everything else slip away.

2. Pay Attention to Non-Verbal Cues

As much as 65% of a person's communication is unspoken. Paying attention to these nonverbal cues can tell you a lot about the person and what they are trying to say. If they talk fast, for instance, this could be a sign that they are nervous or anxious. If they talk slowly, they may be tired or trying to carefully choose their words.

During active listening, your non-verbal behaviors are just as important. To show the person you're truly tuned in, use open, non-threatening body language. This involves not folding your arms, smiling while listening, leaning in, and nodding at key junctures.

It can also be helpful to pay attention to your facial expressions when active listening so that you don't convey any type of negative response.

3. Keep Good Eye Contact

When engaged in active listening, making eye contact is especially important. This tells the other person that you are present and listening to what they say. It also shows that you aren't distracted by anything else around you.

At the same time, you don't want to use so much eye contact that the conversation feels weird. To keep this from happening, follow the 50/70 rule. This involves maintaining eye contact for 50% to 70% of the time spent listening, holding the contact for four to five seconds before briefly looking away.

4. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Asking "yes or no" questions often produce dead-end answers. This isn't helpful during active listening as it keeps the conversation from flowing. It also makes it difficult to truly listen to the other person because there isn't much you can gain from a short, non-descriptive response.

Instead, ask open-ended questions to show that you are interested in the conversation and the other person. Examples of open-ended questions you may use when active listening include:

• Can you tell me a bit more about that?
• What did you think about that?
• What do you think is the best path moving forward?
• How do you think you could have responded differently?

The key to open-ended questions is to have a framework of curiosity about the other person. It signals genuine interest – making the other person feel valued and enables you to better understand them," adds Romanoff.

Open-ended questions encourage thoughtful, expansive responses, which is why they are often used by mental health therapists.

5. Reflect What You Hear

After the person has spoken, tell them what you heard. This active listening technique ensures that you've captured their thoughts, ideas, and/or emotions accurately. It also helps the other person feel validated and understood while keeping any potential miscommunications to a minimum.

One way to reflect what you've heard is to paraphrase. For example, you might say, "In other words, what you are saying is that you're frustrated" or "I'm hearing that you're frustrated about this situation." Summarize what you've heard and give the person the opportunity to say whether you've captured their meaning or intent.

If you'd like to better understand something the person has said, ask for clarification. But don't focus so much on insignificant details that you miss the big picture.

6, Be Patient

Patience is an important active listening technique because it allows the other person to speak without interruption. It also gives them the time to say what they are thinking without having to try to finish their sentences for them.

Being patient involves not trying to fill periods of silence with your own thoughts or stories. It also requires listening to understand, not to respond. That is, don't prepare a reply while the other person is still speaking. Also, don't change the subject too abruptly as this conveys boredom and impatience.

During active listening, you are there to act as a sounding board rather than to jump in with your own ideas and opinions about what is being said.

7, Withhold Judgment

Remaining neutral and non-judgmental in your responses enables the other person to feel comfortable with sharing their thoughts. It makes the conversation to a safe zone where they can trust that they won't be shamed, criticized, blamed, or otherwise negatively received.

Ways to be less judgmental when listening include:

• Expressing empathy for the person or their situation
• Learning more about different people and cultures
• Practicing acceptance of others
• Recognizing when you may be judging the other person, then stopping those thoughts

Active Listening Example

What does active listening look like? Here is an example of a conversation in which several different active listening techniques are used.

Lisa : I'm sorry to dump this on you, but I had a fight with my sister, and we haven't spoken since. I'm upset and don't know who to talk to.

Jodie : No problem! Tell me more about what happened. (open-ended question)

Lisa : Well, we were arguing about what to do for our parents' anniversary. I'm still so angry.

Jodie : Oh that's tough. You sound upset that you're not speaking because of it. (reflecting what was heard)

Lisa : Yes, she just makes me so angry. She assumed I would help her plan this elaborate party—I don't have time! It's like she couldn't see things from my perspective at all.

Jodie : Wow, that's too bad. How did that make you feel? (another open-ended question)

Lisa: Frustrated. Angry. Maybe a bit guilty that she had all these plans, and I was the one holding them back. Finally, I told her to do it without me. But that's not right, either.

Jodie : Sounds complicated. I bet you need some time to sort out how you feel about it. (withholding judgment)

Lisa : Yes, I guess I do. Thanks for listening—I just needed to vent.

Why Active Listening Is Important

Getting into the habit of active listening can have positive impacts in many key areas of your life. It can affect your relationships, your work, and your social interactions.

In Relationships

Active listening helps you better understand another person's point of view and respond with empathy. This is important in all types of healthy relationships , whether with a spouse, parent, child, another family member, or friend.

Being an active listener in your relationships involves recognizing that the conversation is more about the other person than about you. This is especially important when the other person is emotionally distressed.

Your ability to listen actively to a family member or friend who is going through a difficult time is a valuable communication skill. It helps keep you from offering opinions and solutions when the other person really just wants to be heard.

Active listening at work is particularly important if you are in a supervisory position or interact frequently with colleagues. It helps you understand problems and collaborate to develop solutions . It also showcases your patience, a valuable asset in the workplace.

In some cases, active listening while on the job can help improve workplace safety. For instance, if you are in the healthcare field, engaging in active listening can help reduce medical errors and prevent unintentional patient harm.

During Social Situations

Active listening techniques such as reflecting, asking open-ended questions, seeking clarification, and watching body language help you develop relationships when meeting new people . People who are active and empathic listeners are good at initiating and maintaining conversations.

Active listening helps others feel more emotionally supported. This can be beneficial when interacting with a person who has social anxiety . According to research, emotional support impacts the left dorsolateral prefrontal cortex of the brain, resulting in decreased feelings of distress for socially anxious individuals.

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Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares the value of listening to others, featuring psychiatrist Mark Goulston.

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Ways to Improve Active Listening

We've all been in situations where our "listeners" were distracted or disinterested. Or maybe you want to improve your own active listening skills so you don't do this to others.

Here are a few ways to be a better active listener yourself, or to encourage others to do the same:

• Encourage your own curiosity . The more curious you are about something, the easier it becomes to want to know more. This naturally causes you to ask more questions and to seek to understand, which are two of the core foundations of active listening in communication.
• Find a topic that interests you both . This works particularly well when engaging in small talk as you get to know one another. If you both have passion for the topic, it becomes easier to stay fully engaged in the conversation.
• Practice your active listening skills . Like with any skill, being good at active listening takes some practice. Be patient with yourself as you go through the learning process . Continuing to practice these skills may just inspire the person you're conversing with to do the same. By seeing you demonstrate active listening, they might become a better listener too.
• Understand when exiting the conversation is best . If you're talking with another person and they are clearly uninterested in the conversation, it may be best to end that conversation respectfully. This can help keep you from feeling annoyed and unheard.

If you find that you are having trouble with listening, you might benefit from professional treatment. Other options include engaging in social skills training or reading self-help books on interpersonal skills.

Keep in Mind

Active listening is an important social skill that has value in many different settings. Practice its many techniques often and it will become second nature. You'll start to ask open-ended questions and reflect what you've heard in your conversations without much (if any) thought.

"Ultimately, active listening helps the speaker feel more understood and heard—and helps the listener have more information and understanding. On both ends of active listening—people feel more connected and collaborative which is why it is such a vital tool when it comes to communication," says Romanoff.

If you find active listening techniques difficult, consider what might be getting in your way. Are you experiencing social anxiety during conversations or do you struggle with attention ? Getting help for these types of issues can help you improve your active listening skills, making you a better listener overall.

Frequently Asked Questions

Active listening helps you build trust and understand other people's situations and feelings. In turn, this empowers you to offer support and empathy. Unlike critical listening, active listening seeks to understand rather than reply. The goal is for the other person to be heard, validated, and inspired to solve their problems.

The three A's of active listening are attention, attitude, and adjustment. Attention entails being fully tuned in to the speaker's words and gestures. The proper attitude is one of positivity and open-mindedness. Adjustment is the ability to change your gestures, body language, and reactions as the speaker's story unfolds.

Reflection is the active listening technique that demonstrates that you understand and empathize with the person's feelings. In mirroring and summarizing what they've said, they feel heard and understood.

There are numerous ways to improve your active listening skills. One is to watch skilled interviewers on talk and news shows. Another is to research active listening techniques online and try them often in your everyday conversations, noting the speakers' reactions and looking for areas that need improvement.

Topornycky J, Golparian S. Balancing openness and interpretation in active listening . Collect Essays Learn Teach. 2016;9:175-184.

Pennsylvania Department of Health. Unit 6: Effective oral communication . FEMA Effective Communication .

Schulz J. Eye contact: Don't make these mistakes . Michigan State University, MSU Extension.

Dean M, Street Jr RL. A 3-stage model of patient-centered communication for addressing cancer patients' emotional distress . Patient Educ Counsel . 2014;94(2):143-148. doi:10.1016/j.pec.2013.09.025

Jahromi VK, Tabatabaee SS, Abdar ZE, Rajabi M. Active listening: The key of successful communication in hospital managers . Electron Physician . 2016;8(3):2123-2128. doi:10.19082/2123

Jones SM, Bodie GD, Hughes S. The impact of mindfulness on empathy, active listening, and perceived provisions of emotional support . Communic Res . 2016;46(6):838-865. doi:10.1177/0093650215626983

Nishiyama Y, Okamoto Y, Kunisato Y, et al. fMRI study of social anxiety during social ostracism with and without emotional support . PLoS One . 2015;10(5):e0127426. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0127426

Colorado State University Global. What is active listening? 4 tips for improving communication skills .

Pennsylvania State University. Active listening . 

University of California, Berkeley. Active listening . Greater Good Science Center.

By Arlin Cuncic, MA Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of The Anxiety Workbook and founder of the website About Social Anxiety. She has a Master's degree in clinical psychology.

Paraphrasing in Counselling

Table of Contents

In essence, paraphrasing is a micro skill that allows counselors to create an authentic bond with their clients  Together with encouraging and summarizing, paraphrasing plays a crucial role in therapeutic communication, making the client feel understood and listened to.  In other words, paraphrasing in counseling is what makes the client say, “ Finally, someone who understands what I’m going through.” Without this essential ingredient, counseling sessions would be nothing more than dull and impersonal exchanges of ideas.

What is the difference between reflecting and paraphrasing in Counseling?

Paraphrasing and reflecting are close synonyms for most people, both playing a crucial role in any form of communication.

Although paraphrasing and reflecting are fundamental counseling communication skills [1], these two processes can have slightly different connotations in a therapeutic context.

In essence, reflecting is like putting a mirror in front of your clients, helping them gain a better sense of the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors they experienced in a situation that has meaning for them.

Of course, this does not mean you have to parrot their message; simply highlight the link between different ideas and emotions and how one influences the other.

When reflecting, it is vital to match the client’s tone and even body language so that he/she knows that you’ve received the message and the feelings that accompany his/her story.

On the other hand, paraphrasing is about capturing the essence of their story with a brief statement that emphasizes the underlying emotional vibe.

This technique is particularly useful when clients know how ideas and emotions can merge to create a subjective experience, but you want them to feel understood and listened to.

In a way, we could argue that paraphrasing is a brief version of reflecting.

Let’s look at a brief example of paraphrasing in counseling:

Client: I had a huge fight with Andrew last night. At some point, he stormed out and didn’t come back ‘til morning. I tried calling him all night, but his phone was switched off. I was worried sick and thought he did something stupid. This whole thing was like a nightmare that I could not wake up from.

Therapist : It seems this unpleasant event has put you through a lot of fear and anxiety.

Now let’s take a look at reflecting:

Therapist : I can only imagine how terrifying it must have felt to see your partner storm out after a huge fight without telling you where he is going or when he’ll be back.

As you can see, both processes require active listening. But while paraphrasing is a short statement that highlights the emotional tone of the situation, a reflective response captures “the vibe” of the story, along with other essential details.

How do you paraphrase?

Start by listening.

Whether the purpose is to paraphrase or reflect, listening is always the first step.

Through active listening, counselors gain a better sense of what their clients have experienced in a particular situation. Active listening means looking beyond the surface and trying to connect with the client on an emotional level.

To achieve this level of emotional depth, counselors listen with both their ears and their hearts. That means putting themselves in their clients’ shoes and zeroing in on the emotional aspect of the experience.

Focus on feelings and thoughts rather than circumstances

When we listen to another person’s story, the most visible aspects are related to the actual events that he or she has gone through.

But details like names, dates, locations, or other circumstantial issues are less relevant than how the person interpreted and consequently felt in a particular situation.

When it comes to paraphrasing, counselors are trained to look beyond circumstances and identify why a client has chosen to talk about a particular event.

In almost every case, the reason is a set of emotional experiences.

Capture the essence of the message

Although people can experience a wide range of emotions in a given situation or context, there’s always an underlying feeling that defines how they react.

That underlying emotional vibe is the “golden nugget” that counselors are looking to capture and express through paraphrasing.

If done right, paraphrasing in counseling creates an emotional bridge that sets the foundation for authentic and meaningful interactions. This will encourage clients to open up and share their struggles.

Offer a brief version of what has been said

The last step is providing a concise version that highlights the emotional tone of the story.

Once this message reaches the client, it creates a sense of understanding that builds trust and authentic connection.

Long story short, paraphrasing is a valuable tool for cultivating empathy and facilitating therapeutic change.

How does paraphrasing help in communication?

Cultivating clarity (on both sides).

Any form of communication, whether it’s a therapeutic process, a negotiation, or a casual chat between friends, involves exchanging ideas.

And when people exchange ideas and opinions, there’s always the risk of confusion and misunderstanding.

By paraphrasing what the other person has shared, not only that you cultivate empathy, but you also let him/her know that the message has been received and understood correctly.

Research indicates that paraphrasing in counseling helps clients clarify their issues. [2] The more clients understand the inner-workings of their problems, the better they can adjust their coping strategies.

In a nutshell, paraphrasing eliminates ambiguity and paves the way for clarity.

Facilitating emotional regulation

One of the main functions of paraphrasing is to build empathy between two or more people engaged in conversation.

But the effects of paraphrasing on emotions extend way beyond empathy and understanding.

One study revealed that empathic paraphrasing facilitates extrinsic emotional regulation. [3] People who receive empathy through paraphrasing feel understood, and that prompts them to engage in a more intense emotional regulation process.

What starts as extrinsic emotional regulation slowly becomes intrinsic emotional regulation. This is the reason why someone who’s going through a rough patch can feel better by merely talking to a person who listens in an empathic manner and doesn’t necessarily hand out solutions or practical advice.

Paraphrasing can be a vital skill in heated arguments where two people have opposing views that result in emotional turmoil.

If one of them manages to exercise restraint over their intense emotional reactions and tries to paraphrase what the other shares, it could change the whole dynamic of the conversation.

What is the role of paraphrasing in listening?

As we discussed throughout this article, paraphrasing is one of the critical aspects of active listening.

It’s what turns a passive individual who listens only to have something to say when it’s his/her turn to speak into an active listener who understands and resonates on an emotional level.

Furthermore, paraphrasing is a means by which we provide valuable feedback on the topic of discussion, keeping the conversation alive.

It is also the tool that allows therapists to build safe spaces where clients feel comfortable enough to unburden their souls by sharing painful experiences and gaining clarity.

To sum up, paraphrasing in counseling is a vital micro skill that creates an authentic connection, providing clients with the opportunity to experience a sense of understanding.

Knowing there is someone who resonates with your emotional struggles makes your problems seem less burdensome.

Reflecting and Paraphrasing

Part of the ‘art of listening’ is making sure that the client knows their story is being listened to.

This is achieved by the helper/counsellor repeating back to the client parts of their story. This known as paraphrasing .

Reflecting is showing the client that you have ‘heard’ not only what is being said, but also what feelings and emotions the client is experiencing when sharing their story with you .

This is sometimes known in counselling ‘speak ‘as the music behind the words .

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It is like holding up a mirror to the client; repeating what they have said shows the client they have your full attention. It also allows the client to make sure you fully understood them; if not, they can correct you.

Reflecting and paraphrasing should not only contain what is being said but what emotion or feeling the client is expressing.

Let’s look at an example:

Client (Mohammed): My ex-wife phoned me yesterday; she told me that our daughter Nafiza (who is only 9) is very ill after a car accident. I am feeling very scared for her. They live in France, so I am going to have to travel to see her, and now I have been made redundant, I don’t know how I can afford to go.

Counsellor: So, Mohammed, you have had some bad news about your little girl, who has been involved in an accident. You are frightened for her and also have worries over money now you have lost your job.

Client: Yes, yes ... that’s right.

Notice that the counsellor does not offer advice or start asking how long Mohammed and his wife have been separated, but reflects the emotion of what is said : ‘frightened' and 'worries'.

Reflecting and paraphrasing are the first skills we learn as helpers, and they remain the most useful.

To build a trusting relationship with a helper, the client needs not only to be ‘listened to' but also to be heard and valued as a person.

"Reflecting and paraphrasing should not only contain what is being said but what emotion or feeling the client is expressing."

Definition of Reflection in Counselling

Reflection in counselling is like holding up a mirror: repeating the client’s words back to them exactly as they said them.

You might reflect back the whole sentence, or you might select a few words – or even one single word – from what the client has brought.

I often refer to reflection as ‘the lost skill’ because when I watch counselling students doing simulated skill sessions, or listen to their recordings from placement (where clients have consented to this), I seldom see reflection being used as a skill. This is a pity, as reflection can be very powerful.

When we use the skill of reflection, we are looking to match the tone, the feeling of the words, and the client’s facial expression or body language as they spoke .

For example, they might have hunched their shoulders as they said, ‘I was so scared; I didn’t know what to do.’

We might reflect that back by hunching our own shoulders, mirroring their body language while also saying ‘I felt so scared; I didn’t know what to do.’

Using Reflection to Clarify Our Understanding

We can also use reflection to clarify our understanding, instead of using a question.

For example, suppose the client says:

‘My husband and my father are fighting. I’m really angry with him.’

For me to be in the client’s frame of reference, I need to know whether ‘him’ refers to the husband or the father. So I might reflect back the word ‘ him ’  with a quizzical look.

The client might then respond:

‘Yeah, my dad. He really gets to me when he is non-accepting.’

So you can get clarification in this way. You can adjust where you are to make sure that the empathic bond is strong and that you are truly within the client’s frame of reference.

"When we use the skill of reflection, we are looking to match the tone, the feeling of the words, and the client’s facial expression or body language as they spoke".

Definition of Paraphrasing in Counselling

Paraphrasing is repeating back your understanding of the material that has been brought by the client, using your own words.

A paraphrase reflects the essence of what has been said .

We all use paraphrasing in our everyday lives. If you look at your studies to become a counsellor or psychotherapist, you paraphrase in class.

Maybe your lecturer brings a body of work, and you listen and make notes: you’re paraphrasing as you distill this down to what you feel is important.

How Paraphrasing Builds Empathy

How does paraphrasing affect the client-counsellor relationship?

First of all, it helps the client to feel both heard and understood. The client brings their material, daring to share that with you.

And you show that you’re listening by giving them a little portion of that back – the part that feels the most important. You paraphrase it down.

And if you do that accurately and correctly, and it matches where the client is, the client is going to recognise that and to feel heard: ‘ Finally, somebody is there really listening, really understanding what it is that I am bringing.’

This keys right into empathy, because it’s about building that empathic relationship with the client. And empathy is not a one-way transaction .

..."Empathy [is] the ability to ‘perceive the internal frame of reference of another with accuracy and with the emotional components and meanings which pertain thereto as if one were the person, but without ever losing the 'as if' conditions." Carl Rogers (1959, pp. 210–211)

In other words, we walk in somebody’s shoes as if their reality is our reality – but of course it’s not our reality, and that’s where the ‘as if’ comes in.

I’ve heard this rather aptly described as ‘walking in the client’s shoes, but keeping our socks on’!

Empathy is a two-way transaction – that is, it’s not enough for us to be 100% in the client’s frame of reference , understanding their true feelings; the client must also perceive that we understand .

When the client feels at some level that they have been understood, then the empathy circle is complete.

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What is effective communication?

Effective communication skill 1: become an engaged listener, skill 2: pay attention to nonverbal signals, skill 3: keep stress in check, skill 4: assert yourself, effective communication.

Want to communicate better? These tips will help you avoid misunderstandings, grasp the real meaning of what’s being communicated, and greatly improve your work and personal relationships.

Effective communication is about more than just exchanging information. It’s about understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. As well as being able to clearly convey a message, you need to also listen in a way that gains the full meaning of what’s being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood.

Effective communication sounds like it should be instinctive. But all too often, when we try to communicate with others something goes astray. We say one thing, the other person hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration, and conflicts ensue. This can cause problems in your home, school, and work relationships.

For many of us, communicating more clearly and effectively requires learning some important skills. Whether you’re trying to improve communication with your spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers, learning these skills can deepen your connections to others, build greater trust and respect, and improve teamwork, problem solving, and your overall social and emotional health.

What’s stopping you from communicating effectively?

Common barriers to effective communication include:

Stress and out-of-control emotion.  When you’re stressed or emotionally overwhelmed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. To avoid conflict and misunderstandings, you can learn how to quickly calm down before continuing a conversation.

Lack of focus.  You can’t communicate effectively when you’re multitasking. If you’re checking your phone , planning what you’re going to say next, or daydreaming, you’re almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. To communicate effectively, you need to avoid distractions and stay focused.

Inconsistent body language.  Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

Negative body language.  If you disagree with or dislike what’s being said, you might use negative body language to rebuff the other person’s message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don’t have to agree with, or even like what’s being said, but to communicate effectively and not put the other person on the defensive, it’s important to avoid sending negative signals.

When communicating with others, we often focus on what we should say. However, effective communication is less about talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the emotions the speaker is trying to convey.

There’s a big difference between engaged listening and simply hearing. When you really listen—when you’re engaged with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations in someone’s voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the emotions they’re trying to communicate. When you’re an engaged listener, not only will you better understand the other person, you’ll also make that person feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.

By communicating in this way, you’ll also experience a process that  lowers stress and supports physical and emotional well-being. If the person you’re talking to is calm, for example, listening in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the person is agitated, you can help calm them by listening in an attentive way and making the person feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening in an engaged way will often come naturally. If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.

Tips for becoming an engaged listener

Focus fully on the speaker.  You can’t listen in an engaged way if you’re  constantly checking your phone or thinking about something else. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-moment experience in order to pick up the subtle nuances and important nonverbal cues in a conversation. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their words over in your head—it’ll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.

Favor your right ear.  As strange as it sounds, the left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for both speech comprehension and emotions. Since the left side of the brain is connected to the right side of the body, favoring your right ear can help you better detect the emotional nuances of what someone is saying.

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns.  By saying something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me.” Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if you’re forming what you’re going to say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial expressions and know that your mind’s elsewhere.

Show your interest in what’s being said.  Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure your posture is open and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh huh.”

Try to set aside judgment.  In order to communicate effectively with someone, you don’t have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to fully understand them. The most difficult communication, when successfully executed, can often lead to an unlikely connection with someone.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ)]

Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is,” or “Sounds like you are saying,” are great ways to reflect back. Don’t simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim, though—you’ll sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead, express what the speaker’s words mean to you. Ask questions to clarify certain points: “What do you mean when you say…” or “Is this what you mean?”

Hear the emotion behind the words . It’s the higher frequencies of human speech that impart emotion. You can become more attuned to these frequencies—and thus better able to understand what others are really saying—by exercising the tiny muscles of your middle ear (the smallest in the body). You can do this by singing, playing a wind instrument, or listening to certain types of high-frequency music (a Mozart symphony or violin concerto, for example, rather than low-frequency rock, pop, or hip-hop).

The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better relationships at home and work.

• You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
• You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message—patting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Improve how you  read nonverbal communication

Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to take age, culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.

Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let eye contact go, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a person.

Improve how you  deliver nonverbal communication

Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words rather than contradict them. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will feel confused or suspect that you’re being dishonest. For example, sitting with your arms crossed and shaking your head doesn’t match words telling the other person that you agree with what they’re saying.

Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you’re interacting with.

Avoid negative body language. Instead, use body language to convey positive feelings, even when you’re not actually experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body language to signal confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets, but in many cases you’ll also help to calm the other person as well. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you’ll be able to know whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other person’s signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or introduction to a loved one’s family, for example, it’s important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure.

Communicate effectively by staying calm under pressure

Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Ask for a question to be repeated or for clarification of a statement before you respond.

Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make you seem more in control than rushing your response.

Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your response is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk losing the listener’s interest. Follow one point with an example and then gauge the listener’s reaction to tell if you should make a second point.

Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your body language relaxed and open.

Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop talking, even if it leaves a silence in the room. You don’t have to fill the silence by continuing to talk.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When a conversation starts to get heated, you need something quick and immediate to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, you can safely take stock of any strong emotions you’re experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately.

Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or stomach tight? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you “forgetting” to breathe?

Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.

Bring your senses to the rescue. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses—sight, sound, touch, taste, smell—or movement. For example, you could pop a peppermint in your mouth, squeeze a stress ball in your pocket, take a few deep breaths, clench and relax your muscles, or simply recall a soothing, sensory-rich image. Each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find a coping mechanism that is soothing to you.

[Read: Quick Stress Relief]

Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve stress when communicating . When you or those around you start taking things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or an amusing story.

Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that the other person cares much more about an issue than you do, compromise may be easier for you and a good investment for the future of the relationship.

Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm down. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Find your space for healing and growth

Regain is an online couples counseling service. Whether you’re facing problems with communication, intimacy, or trust, Regain’s licensed, accredited therapists can help you improve your relationship.

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost your self-esteem and decision-making skills. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.

To improve your assertiveness

Value yourself and your options. They are as important as anyone else’s.

Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights of others.

Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It’s  okay to be angry , but you must remain respectful as well.

Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when needed.

Learn to say “no.” Know your limits and don’t let others take advantage of you. Look for alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.

Developing assertive communication techniques

Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other person’s situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. “I know you’ve been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as well.”

Escalating assertion can be employed when your first attempts are not successful. You become increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining consequences if your needs are not met. For example, “If you don’t abide by the contract, I’ll be forced to pursue legal action.”

Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to help build up your confidence. Or ask friends or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them first.

More Information

• Effective Communication: Improving Your Social Skills - Communicate more effectively, improve your conversation skills, and become more assertive. (AnxietyCanada)
• Core Listening Skills - How to be a better listener. (SucceedSocially.com)
• Effective Communication - How to communicate in groups using nonverbal communication and active listening techniques. (University of Maine)
• Some Common Communication Mistakes - And how to avoid them. (SucceedSocially.com)
• 3aPPa3 – When cognitive demand increases, does the right ear have an advantage? – Danielle Sacchinell | Acoustics.org . (n.d.). Retrieved May 22, 2022, from Link
• How to Behave More Assertively . (n.d.). 10. Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions.  International Journal of Listening , 28(1), 13–31. Link

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Home » Modules » Effective Communication » Effective Communication High School » Active Listening and Paraphrasing

Listening: The Key to 2 Way Communication

Some important facts about listening:

• the average person speaks anywhere from 125 to 175 words per minute.
• we have the ability to listen to around 300 to 450 words per minute.
• often our brain does not fully engage in listening as it can multitask and do so many other things while we can still appear like we are listening.

To demonstrate how quickly communication can break down play a quick game of “broken telephone”

Students sit in a circle; the teacher whispers a message (be sure to include lots of descriptive detail) to the first student and then the same message is whispered from one student to the next; the final student says the message out loud; it is often dramatically different from the original message. This game can also further demonstrate the pitfalls of “ Trouble Talk “, specifically rumours and gossip. Relay that this is what happens each day when people believe things others supposedly said without hearing it first hand.

Brainstorm with students all the possible factors that may lead to poor of faulty communication.

Active listening:, active listening is the skill of fully concentrating on what is being said rather than passively hearing the message. it involves not only concentrating on what is being said, but also understanding, responding, and remembering what has been said. it is a skill that can be learned and developed with practice., to demonstrate the importance of active listening try this simple activity with students..

Have students draw a simple design on a piece of paper. Pair students up and without showing their drawing, have them take turns giving instructions on how to replicate the design.

Do this once where the receiver can only listen and not ask questions and then a second time where the the receiver can ask questions after each instruction. Compare the designs. Switch roles.

Brainstorm with students all the possible factors that helped them best recreate the drawing.

Good communication is not only about expressing yourself but also actively listening and working to understand what the other person is saying. Learning and practicing these healthy communication skills will prepare you for the times when communication with someone is most important.

Active Listening is a skill that needs to be taught and practiced.

Introduction to Mindful Listening

This video gives great tips and an intro to breaking the ice and having a good conversation.

Brainstorm with students what active listening means., what does it look like, what does it sound like, what does it feel like.

Paraphrasing:

Paraphrasing is when a person reads or actively listens to a message and is able to clearly express it back in their own words (written or spoken).  In a paraphrase, the original ideas or meaning are maintained, but the wording has to be your own.  Like active listening, paraphrasing is a skill that needs to be taught explicitly, practiced, and developed.

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How to Manage a Cross-Functional Team

• David Burkus

Start by getting clear on how you’ll communicate.

Cross-functional teams — those with people from different departments who have varied expertise — are becoming more common, as is the rise of project-based work arrangements.  Early in your career, you may even find that your first “real” leadership role is managing a newly formed, cross-functional team for a specific and short-term project. There are a few key actions new leaders can take to get their team off to a great start.

• Establish goals and roles. Each member has different knowledge, skills, abilities, and past experiences. As the team leader, it’s important to establish the scope of the project quickly, deliberate on the tasks required, and facilitate a discussion around who on the team would be best suited for different tasks. Resist the urge to assign tasks to whomever volunteers first, instead think who fits the task best.
• Set communication norms. Just as your team members will bring different knowledge, skills, and abilities, they’ll also bring their own unique work and communication preferences. Take some time during the initial project kickoff to discuss those work and communication preferences. Failure to establish collaboration norms tells teammates they can work and communicate however they want, making it more likely for messages to get missed.
• Build safety and candor. To generate ideas and solve problems, we need to lower inhibitions and create a culture where each member can be more honest and less guarded. To encourage this openness, new leaders often call for candor in meetings, but doing so before building psychological safety is a mistake. As a leader, it’s your responsibility to establish that level of safety. You can do this by signaling your own openness to feedback or expressing doubt in your own ideas.
• Celebrate milestones and small wins. Milestones don’t just track progress; they serve as an early warning signal that a pivot might need to be made. These milestones will also give the team early wins to celebrate and help them feel a sense of accomplishment. Celebrating small wins can boost morale and foster a sense of collective appreciation

A couple years into your career, you’ll find a few different opportunities to step up and practice your leadership skills. Sometimes it will be preparing and running a team meeting. Other times it may be volunteering for a new task the team requires.

• David Burkus is an organizational psychologist and best-selling author of five books, including Best Team Ever . For more information, visit his website .

Partner Center

From Gen Z to boomers: How to give critical feedback at work

Generational expectations about workplace norms differ widely. so you may need to adjust how you give constructive criticism..

You have a slew of options in how you deliver critical feedback at work. And depending on your generation, what you deem acceptable may vary.

We heard from you, our readers, who had a lot to say about our recent story exploring Gen Z’s expectations for workplace feedback . Some of you think Gen Z needs to grow up and stop complaining — after all, you and your colleagues managed just fine. Others applauded Gen Z’s demand for more constructive delivery and pointed out that all generations want feedback that is timely, collaborative and balanced, even if the youngest are perhaps becoming the most vocal. And some believe good management practices apply to all generations.

With four generations (Gen Z, millennials, Gen X and boomers) making up the majority of the U.S. workforce, communication and behavioral norms may vary. Learning how to work with colleagues who have different views is key to success at work, experts who study multigenerational workforces say. When it comes to critical feedback, which can be tricky no matter who’s giving or receiving it, navigating differing expectations becomes especially important.

“The whole reason we want to understand generational differences, especially in critical feedback, is because we want the message to land as well as possible,” said Giselle Kovary, a generational expert and head of learning and development at Optimus SBR. “It’s less about what you want to say and more about how they need to hear it.”

Here are some expert tips for giving and receiving critical feedback.

Know your audience

To better understand someone and communicate the message effectively, consider a worker’s norms.

Resist the idea that how you expect to give and get feedback is the same for everyone else, said Megan Gerhardt, a professor at Miami University and author of “Gentelligence: A Revolutionary Approach to Leading an Intergenerational Workforce.” Instead, think about how a person might expect to give or receive feedback and work backward. That way you can deliver criticism in a way that will be heard and absorbed.

For boomers, respect their experience and expectations around formal processes, said Jake Aguas, a Biola University professor and author of “Generation Z and the Covid-19 Crisis.” Gen X is likely to need transparent, direct communication with an emphasis on autonomy. Millennials normally think about inclusivity and may expect a more informal coaching or mentorship approach. And members of Gen Z want to feel they can play a role in finding the solution as well as personal investment from the person giving them feedback, he said.

More on Gen Z at work

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• Gen Z workers demand flexibility, don’t want to be stuffed in a cubicle

That might mean changing the strategy depending on generation. For boomers, for example, Gerhardt suggests leading with curiosity, using phrases such as, “Can you help me understand why things are done this way?”

“My favorite analogy is think about it like you’re traveling,” she said. “You’re aware you’re going to a different culture … with different norms and views. When you interact, you work harder to make sure misunderstandings don’t occur.”

Prepare beforehand

Plan what you want to say, how to deliver it and the intended outcome. Whatever you do, just don’t wing it, Kovary said.

Homing in on your emotional intelligence skills can be helpful here, Aguas said. Be aware of yourself and how others may react to you. You can practice delivering feedback to friends and family members of different generations by asking them how they view a particular workplace procedure or how they might react if you offered a specific critique. Remember not to judge their answer, he said.

Develop a relationship

Establish a supportive relationship before you have to deliver critical feedback.

If the only time a colleague or employee hears from you is to hear what they’ve done wrong, the feedback could be taken much more harshly than intended, experts agree. Acknowledging someone’s experience, perspectives and efforts can go a long way in creating a connection and a relationship of mutual respect. That may make it easier for someone to hear critical feedback, as they’ll know the intention is good, Gerhardt said.

Managers and employees can also proactively set expectations by telling each other how they give or expect to receive feedback, Aguas said, such as explaining that they need a weekly one-on-one or hope to check in every couple of days.

Make it a two-way street

Approach every conversation with the expectation that you may also have to receive feedback.

No conversation should be one-way, even if you’re prepared to deliver specific points, Kovary said. Prepare to actively listen. Read between the lines, notice body language, validate the other person’s experience and paraphrase what was said back to ensure you’re understanding correctly.

If you’re on the receiving end, you may have to give feedback even if the door isn’t necessarily open for it. Aguas suggests taking a non-threatening approach by simply knocking on the metaphorical door.

“The number one thing I’ve seen work among all generations is to ask for permission,” Aguas said. “It could be as simple as, ‘I had a thought,’ or ‘I see something differently, and I’d love to share with you if you’re open to that.’”

Showing you intend to partner can make a difference, as all workers want respect, connection, agency and autonomy at work, Gerhardt said.

Ask when needed

Sometimes we don’t get feedback when we need it. In those cases, it’s on us to speak up.

For some, giving negative feedback is hard, and they may need a little push. So if you’re not getting enough feedback, you can frame it in a way that’s digestible, Kovary said. For example, you could say, “On a scale from 1 to 10, how did I perform? And what would I have needed to do to be a 10?”

Managers can also solicit feedback from the people who report to them: “How can I support you in your work? What activities do I do that engage you most often? Have there been things I’ve done that diminished or broke our trust?”

In all cases, detach the feedback from the person and focus on the work, Kovary advises.

Don’t make it personal

Before you get upset at critical feedback, pause, breathe and take a second to think.

Oftentimes, the intention of a person delivering feedback may be entirely different from its impact. Just because it’s delivered in a way you don’t like, don’t take it personally, experts advise.

“Feedback is like a piece of gum,” Aguas said. “You pop it in your mouth, you chew on it, and then you move on.”

If you’re getting feedback that rubs you the wrong way, ask clarifying questions, Gerhardt said. Sometimes getting that additional context can change how you perceive that feedback, she said. Consider: “Can you help me understand what the goals of this feedback are?” “Can you help me understand how this feedback compares to other people at my career stage?”

Don’t jump to conclusions, as generational norms may muck up the intended message. It can also help to be vulnerable in how you’re taking the feedback. You can also ask for a few days to think before you respond to ensure you remove your emotions from the issue, Gerhardt said.

If you’re giving feedback, start and end at a place of understanding. Begin with the idea that this moment presents an opportunity, and end by checking that you’re on the same page, she added.

Leave room for improvement

Most importantly, recognize that there’s always room for improvement.

You should strive to ensure feedback is specific, measurable, action-oriented, timely and results-focused, Kovary said. And we should aim to be more open to receiving it. Those are things all generations can do better, she said.

“It doesn’t have to be as it always has been,” Gerhardt said.

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• From Gen Z to boomers: How to give critical feedback at work April 22, 2024 From Gen Z to boomers: How to give critical feedback at work April 22, 2024
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The Science of Siblings

Got brothers or sisters warm sibling bonds help boost happiness as you age.

Allison Aubrey

Credit: Lily Padula for NPR

The Science of Siblings is a new series exploring the ways our siblings can influence us, from our money and our mental health all the way down to our very molecules. We'll be sharing these stories over the next few weeks.

Many of us have up and down relationships with our siblings. And those relationships can be most intense during adolescence.

I remember as a teenager all the ways my older sister reminded me she was in charge, like when she got her driver's license and insisted that I sit in the back seat when we picked up her friend, Pam, who got to sit up front. It was annoying.

But once we were out of the house in our 20s, our relationship evolved. We began to see each other as equals and friends. She still likes to take charge, though I admire her for that now because she's good at it. And somewhere along the way she became my biggest cheerleader, supporting me in my career and parenting. Our shared values and experiences have brought us close in middle age.

Turns out this bodes well for my and my sisters' emotional health. Researchers have found that a warm, close bond with a sibling in early adult life is predictive of greater resilience later in life, with less loneliness, anxiety and depression.

"I think it speaks to the salience of the sibling tie," says Megan Gilligan, associate professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri.

Gilligan and her colleagues analyzed survey data from hundreds of participants in the Family Transitions Project , a decades' long study of family relationships. They found people who reported higher levels of warmth and connection with their sibling at age 23, had lower levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms at age 41. "And we found the reverse, too," Gilligan says.

People who felt conflict in a sibling relationship at age 23, were more likely to report anxiety and other negative emotions at mid-life. The findings are published in The Journal of Family Psychology.

There tends to be a turning point in sibling relationships, typically around the age of 23. "The relationships shift," Gilligan says. And even though we never forget those early dynamics, the relationships tend to become more stable.

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• How do you get siblings to be nice to each other? Latino families have an answer

Given all the important relationships people have over a lifetime, with partners, children, friends and colleagues, the importance of sibling relationships can sometimes be hidden in plain sight. It's easy to take siblings for granted, but Gilligan says the "clear pattern" that emerged from her research demonstrates how early sibling relationships can influence emotional well-being into middle age and beyond. "It validates the importance of these ties," she says.

Another study that examined sibling relationships in later life found the significance of these relationships endures into retirement age. When researchers studied a sample of 608 older adults, aged 65 years – on average – they found that people who reported warm relations with siblings were less lonely.

Sibling conflict was tied to feelings of depression, anxiety and loneliness. "Siblings are serving as a source of social support, decreasing these mental health [struggles]," Gilligan says.

And some bonds are tighter than others. Researchers found sisters had warmer relationships compared to those between brothers or between brothers and sisters.

Even if you're not best friends, sibling relationships can be strengthened. The key is to talk things through. Here are three tips to help.

Get your feelings out in the open.

It's easy to fall back into old dynamics, or be triggered by events from childhood. And if parents had favorites that can make the relationship harder.

Most siblings experience ups and downs in their relationships. "It's not a good strategy to let it go," Gilligan says. Instead it's best to acknowledge the past history and family dynamics and try to work through them. Just as in your relationships with friends or a spouse, our sibling relationships take nurturing and commitment.

Shots - Health News

Blended families are common. here are tips to help stepsiblings get along, give your siblings some grace..

We tend to be more reactive with our siblings. A disagreement may take us back to the rocky relationships that are typical in childhood. But as adults, it's important to step back and see a situation from your sibling's point of view, even if that takes time and patience. "Everything looks different from different perspectives," says Ellen Lange r, a psychology professor at Harvard, who studies mindfulness. Bickering is common in close relationships, Langer says, so it's helpful to be curious about your sibling's point of view, rather than judgmental. Understanding their perspective may help you understand their choices and actions.

Establish clear lines of communication

Caring for aging parents can be a big source of conflict for grown siblings. If you haven't been in the habit of relying on each other, the growing needs of parents can require time and commitment. "The division of care is one of the biggest sources of conflict," Gilligan says. Suddenly, you may need to be in constant contact. "And the reality for most families is that it's never going to be equal," she says. One way to reduce conflict is to set up a daily text or weekly FaceTIme call to make a plan and get on the same page. Being proactive in anticipating needs can help with planning and reduce stress.

More from the Science of Siblings series:

• In the womb, a brother's hormones can shape a sister's future
• These identical twins both grew up with autism, but took very different paths
• thrive as you age
• Science of Siblings